University of Virginia Library

23. CHAPTER XXIII.

“My morals will appear to you far from rigid,
yet my conduct will fall short of your suspicions.
I am now to confess actions less excusable, and yet
surely they will not entitle me to the name of a
desperate or sordid criminal.

“Your house was rendered, by your frequent
and long absences, easily accessible to my curiosity.
My meeting with Pleyel was the prelude to direct
intercourse with you. I had seen much of the
world, but your character exhibited a specimen of
human powers that was wholly new to me. My
intercourse with your servant furnished me with
curious details of your domestic management. I
was of a different sex: I was not your husband; I
was not even your friend; yet my knowledge of
you was of that kind, which conjugal intimacies
can give, and, in some respects, more accurate.
The observation of your domestic was guided by
me.

“You will not be surprized that I should sometimes
profit by your absence, and adventure to examine
with my own eyes, the interior of your chamber.
Upright and sincere, you used no watchfulness,
and practifed no precautions. I scrutinized every
thing, and pried every where. Your closet was
usually locked, but it was once my fortune to find
the key on a bureau. I opened and found new scope
for my curiofity in your books. One of these was
manuscript, and written in characters which essentially

agreed with a short-hand system which I had
learned from a Jesuit missionary.

“I cannot justify my conduct, yet my only
crime was curiosity. I perused this volume with
eagerness. The intellect which it unveiled, was
brighter than my limited and feeble organs could
bear. I was naturally inquisitive as to your ideas
respecting my deportment, and the mysteries that
had lately occurred.

“You know what you have written. You
know that in this volume the key to your inmost
soul was contained. If I had been a profound and
malignant impostor, what plenteous materials were
thus furnished me of stratagems and plots!

“The coincidence of your dream in the summer-house
with my exclamation, was truly wonderful.
The voice which warned you to forbear
was, doubtless, mine; but mixed by a common
process of the fancy, with the train of visionary
incidents.

“I saw in a stronger light than ever, the dangerousness
of that instrument which I employed,
and renewed my resolutions to abstain from the use
of it in future; but I was destined perpetually to
violate my resolutions. By some perverse fate, I
was led into circumstances in which the exertion
of my powers was the sole or the best means of
escape.

“On that memorable night on which our last
interview took place, I came as usual to Mettingen.
I was apprized of your engagement at your
brother's, from which you did not expect to return
till late. Some incident suggested the design of visiting
your chamber. Among your books which I
had not examined, might be something tending to
illustrate your character, or the history of your family.

Some intimation had been dropped by you in
discourse, respecting a performance of your father,
in which some important transaction in his life was
recorded.

“I was desirous of seeing this book; and such
was my habitual attachment to mystery, that I preferred
the clandestine perusal of it. Such were the
motives that induced me to make this attempt. Judith
had disappeared, and finding the house unoccupied,
I supplied myself with a light, and proceeded
to your chamber.

“I found it easy, on experiment, to lock and
unlock your closet door without the aid of a key.
I shut myself in this recess, and was busily exploring
your shelves, when I heard some one enter
the room below. I was at a loss who it could
be, whether you or your servant. Doubtful, however,
as I was, I conceived it prudent to extinguish
the light. Scarcely was this done, when some one
entered the chamber. The footsteps were easily
distinguished to be yours.

“My situation was now full of danger and perplexity.
For some time, I cherished the hope that
you would leave the room so long as to afford me
an opportunity of escaping. As the hours passed,
this hope gradually deserted me. It was plain that
you had retired for the night.

“I knew not how soon you might find occasion
to enter the closet. I was alive to all the horrors
of detection, and ruminated without ceasing, on
the behaviour which it would be proper, in case of
detection, to adopt. I was unable to discover any
consistent method of accounting for my being thus
immured.

“It occurred to me that I might withdraw you
from your chamber for a few minutes, by counterseiting

a voice from without. Some message from
your brother might be delivered, requiring your prefence
at his house. I was deterred from this scheme
by reflecting on the resolution I had formed, and on
the possible evils that might result from it. Besides,
it was not improbable that you would speedily retire
to bed, and then, by the exercise of sufficient caution,
I might hope to escape unobserved.

“Meanwhile I liftened with the deepest anxiety
to every motion from without. I discovered nothing
which betokened preparation for sleep. Instead
of this I heard deep-drawn sighs, and occasionally
an half-expressed and mournful ejaculation.
Hence I inferred that you were unhappy. The true
state of your mind with regard to Pleyel your own
pen had disclosed; but I supposed you to be framed
of such materials, that, though a momentary sadness
might affect you, you were impregnable to any permanent
and heartfelt grief. Inquietude for my own
safety was, for a moment, suspended by sympathy
with your distress.

“To the former consideration I was quickly
recalled by a motion of yours which indicated I
knew not what. I fostered the persuasion that you
would now retire to bed; but presently you approached
the closet, and detection seemed to be inevitable.
You put your hand upon the lock. I
had formed no plan to extricate myself from the
dilemma in which the opening of the door would
involve me. I felt an irreconcilable aversion to detection.
Thus situated, I involuntarily seized the
door with a resolution to resist your efforts to open
it.

“Suddenly you receded from the door. This deportment
was inexplicable, but the relief it afforded
me was quickly gone. You returned, and I once

more was thrown into perplexity. The expedient
that suggested itself was precipitate and inartificial.
I exerted my organs and called upon you to hold.

“That you should persist in spite of this admonition,
was a subject of astonishment. I again resisted
your efforts; for the first expedient having
failed, I knew not what other to refort to. In this
state, how was my astonishment increased when I
heard your exclamations!

“It was now plain that you knew me to be
within. Further resistance was unavailing and useless.
The door opened, and I shrunk backward.
Seldom have I felt deeper mortification, and more
painful perplexity. I did not consider that the truth
would be less injurious than any lie which I could
hastily frame. Conscious as I was of a certain degree
of guilt, I conceived that you would form the
most odious suspicions. The truth would be imperfect,
unless I were likewise to explain the mysterious
admonition which had been given; but that
explanation was of too great moment, and involved
too extensive consequences to make me suddenly
resolve to give it.

“I was aware that this discovery would associate
itself in your mind, with the dialogue formerly heard
in this closet. Thence would your suspicions be
aggravated, and to escape from these suspicions
would be impossible. But the mere truth would be
sussiciently opprobrious, and deprive me for ever of
your good opinion.

“Thus was I rendered desperate, and my mind
rapidly passed to the contemplation of the use that
might be made of previous events. Some good
genius would appear to you to have interposed to
save you from injury intended by me. Why, I said,
since I must sink in her opinion, should I not cherish

this belief? Why not personate an enemy, and
pretend that celestial interference has frustrated my
schemes? I must fly, but let me leave wonder and
fear behind me. Elucidation of the mystery will
always be practicable. I shall do no injury, but
merely talk of evil that was designed, but is now
past.

“Thus I extenuated my conduct to myself, but
I scarcely expect that this will be to you a sufficient
explication of the scene that followed. Those habits
which I have imbibed, the rooted passion which
possesses me for scattering around me amazement
and fear, you enjoy no opportunities of knowing.
That a man should wantonly impute to himself the
most flagitious designs, will hardly be credited, even
though you reflect that my reputation was already,
by my own folly, irretrievably ruined; and that it
was always in my power to communicate the truth,
and rectify the mistake.

“I left you to ponder on this scene. My mind
was full of rapid and incongruous ideas. Compunction,
self-upbraiding, hopelesness, satisfaction
at the view of those effects likely to flow from my
new scheme, misgivings as to the beneficial result of
this scheme took possession of my mind, and seemed
to struggle for the mastery.

“I had gone too far to recede. I had painted
myself to you as an assassin and ravisher, withheld
from guilt only by a voice from heaven. I had
thus reverted into the path of error, and now, having
gone thus far, my progress seemed to be irrevocable.
I said to myself, I must leave these precincts
for ever. My acts have blasted my fame in
the eyes of the Wiclands. For the sake of creating
a mysterious dread, I have made myself a villain.
I may complete this mysterious plan by some new

imposture, but I cannot aggravate my supposed
guilt.

“My resolution was formed, and I was swiftly
ruminating on the means for executing it, when
Pleyel appeared in sight. This incident decided my
conduct. It was plain that Pleyel was a devoted
lover, but he was, at the same time, a man of cold
resolves and exquisite sagacity. To deceive him
would be the sweetest triumph I had ever enjoyed.
The deception would be momentary, but it would
likewise be complete. That his delusion would so
soon be rectified, was a recommendation to my
scheme, for I esteemed him too much to desire to
entail upon him lasting agonies.

“I had no time to reflect further, for he proceeded,
with a quick step, towards the house. I
was hurried onward involuntarily and by a mechanical
impulse. I followed him as he passed the recess
in the bank, and shrowding myself in that
spot, I counterfeited sounds which I knew would
arrest his steps.

“He stopped, turned, listened, approached, and
overheard a dialogue whose purpose was to vanquish
his belief in a point where his belief was most
difficult to vanquish. I exerted all my powers to
imitate your voice, your general sentiments, and
your language. Being master, by means of your
journal, of your personal history and most secret
thoughts, my efforts were the more successful.
When I reviewed the tenor of this dialogue, I cannot
believe but that Pleyel was deluded. When I
think of your character, and of the inferences
which this dialogue was intended to suggest, it
seems incredible that this delusion should be produced.

“I spared not myself. I called myself murderer,

thief, guilty of innumerable prejuries and misdeeds:
that you had debased yourself to the level of such
an one, no evidence, methought, would suffice to
convince him who knew you so thoroughly as
Pleyel; and yet the imposture amounted to proof
which the most jealous scrutiny would find to be
unexceptionable.

“He left his station precipitately and resumed
his way to the house. I saw that the detection of
his error would be instantaneous, since, not having
gone to bed, an immediate interview would take
place between you. At first this circumstance was
considered with regret; but as time opened my eyes
to the possible consequences of this scene, I regarded
it with pleasure.

“In a short time the infatuation which had led
me thus far began to subside. The remembrance
of former reasonings and transactions was renewed.
How often I had repented this kind of exertion;
how many evils were produced by it which I had
not foreseen; what occasions for the bitterest remorse
it had administered, now passed through my
mind. The black catalogue of stratagems was now
increased. I had inspired you with the most vehement
terrors: I had filled your mind with faith in
shadows and confidence in dreams: I had depraved
the imagination of Pleyel: I had exhibited you to
his understanding as devoted to brutal gratifications
and consummate in hypocrisy. The evidence which
accompanied this delusion would be irresistible to
one whose passion had perverted his judgment,
whose jealousy with regard to me had already been
excited, and who, therefore, would not fail to
overrate the force of this evidence. What fatal
act of despair or of vengeance might not this error
produce?

“With regard to myself, I had acted with a
phrenzy that surpassed belief. I had warred against
my peace and my fame: I had banished myself from
the fellowship of vigorous and pure minds: I was
self-expelled from a scene which the munificence
of nature had adorned with unrivalled beauties, and
from haunts in which all the muses and humanities
had taken refuge.

“I was thus torn by conflicting fears and tumultuous
regrets. The night passed away in this
state of confusion; and next morning in the gazette
left at my obscure lodging, I read a description and
an offer of reward for the apprehension of my person.
I was said to have escaped from an Irish prison,
in which I was confined as an offender convicted
of enormous and complicated crimes.

“This was the work of an enemy, who, by
falsehood and stratagem, had procured my condemnation.
I was, indeed, a prisoner, but escaped, by
the exertion of my powers, the fate to which I was
doomed, but which I did not deserve. I had hoped
that the malice of my foe was exhausted; but I
now perceived that my precautions had been wise,
for that the intervention of an ocean was insufficient
for my security.

“Let me not dwell on the sensations which this
discovery produced. I need not tell by what steps
I was induced to seek an interview with you, for
the purpose of disclosing the truth, and repairing,
as far as possible, the effects of my misconduct. It
was unavoidable that this gazette would fall into
your hands, and that it would tend to confirm every
erroneous impression.

“Having gained this interview, I purposed to
seek some retreat in the wilderness, inaccessible to
your inquiry and to the malice of my foe, where

I might henceforth employ myself in composing a
faithful narrative of my actions. I designed it as
my vindication from the aspersions that had rested
on my character, and as a lesson to mankind on
the evils of credulity on the one hand, and of imposture
on the other.

“I wrote you a billet, which was left at the
house of your friend, and which I knew would, by
some means, speedily come to your hands. I entertained
a saint hope that my invitation would be
complied with. I knew not what use you would
make of the opportunity which this proposal afforded
you of procuring the seizure of my person; but
this fate I was determined to avoid, and I had no
doubt but due circumspection, and the exercise of
the faculty which I possessed, would enable me to
avoid it.

“I lurked, through the day, in the neighbourhood
of Mettingen: I approached your habitation
at the appointed hour: I entered it in silence, by a
trap-door which led into the cellar. This had formerly
been bolted on the inside, but Judith had, at
an early period in our intercourse, removed this
impediment. I ascended to the first floor, but met
with no one, nor any thing that indicated the presence
of an human being.

“I crept softly up stairs, and at length perceived
your chamber door to be opened, and a light to be
within. It was of moment to discover by whom
this light was accompanied. I was sensible of the
inconveniencies to which my being discovered at
your chamber door by any one within would subject
me; I therefore called out in my own voice,
but so modified that it should appear to ascend from
the court below, `Who is in the chamber? Is it
Miss  Wieland ?'

“No answer was returned to this summons. I
listened, but no motion could be heard. After a
pause I repeated my call, but no less ineffectually.

“I now approached nearer the door, and adventured
to look in. A light stood on the table, but
nothing human was discernible. I entered cautiously,
but all was solitude and stillness.

“I knew not what to conclude. If the house
were inhabited, my call would have been noticed;
yet some suspicion insinuated itself that silence was
studiously kept by persons who intended to surprize
me. My approach had been wary, and the silence
that ensued my call had likewise preceded it; a circumstance
that tended to dissipate my fears.

“At length it occurred to me that Judith might
possibly be in her own room. I turned my steps
thither; but she was not to be found. I passed into
other rooms, and was soon convinced that the house
was totally deserted. I returned to your chamber,
agitated by vain furmises and opposite conjectures.
The appointed hour had passed, and I dismissed the
hope of an interview.

“In this state of things I determined to leave a
few lines on your toilet, and prosecute my journey
to the mountains. Scarcely had I taken the pen
when I laid it aside, uncertain in what manner to
address you. I rose from the table and walked across
the floor. A glance thrown upon the bed acquainted
me with a spectacle to which my conceptions of
horror had not yet reached.

“In the midst of shuddering and trepidation, the
signal of your presence in the court below recalled
me to myself. The deed was newly done: I only
was in the house: what had lately happened justified
any suspicions, however enormous. It was
plain that this catastrophe was unknown to you: I

thought upon the wild commotion which the discovery
would awaken in your breast: I found the
confusion of my own thoughts unconquerable, and
perceived that the end for which I sought an interview
was not now to be accomplished.

“In this state of things it was likewise expedient
to conceal my being within. I put out the light
and hurried down stairs. To my unspeakable surprize,
notwithstanding every motive to fear, you
lighted a candle and proceeded to your chamber.

“I retired to that room below from which a door
leads into the cellar. This door concealed me from
your view as you passed. I thought upon the spectacle
which was about to present itself. In an exigence
so abrupt and so little foreseen, I was again
subjected to the empire of mechanical and habitual
impulses. I dreaded the effects which this shocking
exhibition, bursting on your unprepared senses,
might produce.

“Thus actuated, I stept swistly to the door, and
thrusting my head forward, once more pronounced
the mysterious interdiction. At that moment, by
some untoward fate, your eyes were cast back, and
you saw me in the very act of utterance. I fled
through the dark some avenue at which I entered,
covered with the shame of this detection.

“With diligence, stimulated by a thousand ineffable
emotions, I pursued my intended journey.
I have a brother whose farm is situated in the bosom
of a sertile desert, near the sources of the Leheigh,
and thither I now repaired.