University of Virginia Library

K. APPENDIX K.

[Page 123.]

The following from the pen of Mr. Freneau, amongst several
other satirical essays, in verse and prose, appeared in the papers of
the country, before, and at the close of the revolutionary war.

The following humorous address appeared in the public papers, soon
after the revolutionary war ended. It is the production of the late
Dr. Witherspoon of Philadelphia, and appears in his works.

"SUPPLICATION OF J**** R********.

"To his Excellency Henry Laurens, Esquire, President, and other the
Members of the Honorable the American Congress, &c. &c. &c.

"The humble Representation and earnest Supplication of J. R—,
Printer and Bookseller in New York,

"Respectfully sheweth,

"That a great part of the British forces has already left this city,
and from many symptoms there is no reason to suspect, that the
remainder will speedily follow them. Where they are gone, or going,
is perhaps known to themselves, perhaps not; certainly, however, it
is unknown to us, the loyal inhabitants of the place, and other friends
of government who have taken refuge in it, and who are therefore
filled with distress and terror on the unhappy occasion. That as
soon as the evacuation is completed, it is more than probable, the
city will be taken possession of by the forces of your high mightinesses,
followed by vast crowds of other persons—whigs by nature
and profession—friends to the liberties, and foes to the enemies of
America. Above all, it will undoubtedly be filled with shoals of
Yankies, that is to say, the natives and inhabitants, or as a great
lady in this metropolis generally expresses it—the wretches of
New-England.

"That from several circumstances, there is reason to fear that
the behavior of the wretches aforesaid, may not be altogether gentle
to such of the friends of government as shall stay behind. What
the governing powers of the state of New York may do also, it is
impossible to foretell. Nay, who knows but we may soon see, in
propria persona, as we have often heard of Hortensius, the Governor
of New-Jersey, a gentleman remarkable for severely handling those
whom he calls traitors, and indeed who has exalted some of them
(quanquam animus meminisse horret luctu-que refugit) to a high,
though dependent station, and brought America under their feet, in
a sense very different from what Lord North meant when he first

used that celebrated expression, That your petitioner in particular,
is at the greatest loss what to resolve upon, or how to shape his
course. He has no desire at all, either to be roasted in Florida, or
frozen to death in Canada or Nova Scotia. Being a great lover of
fresh cod, he has had thoughts of trying a settlement in Newfoundland,
but recollecting that the New-England men have almost all the
same appetite, he was obliged to relinquish that project entirely. If
he should go to Great Britain, dangers no less formidable present
themselves. Having been a bankrupt in London, it is not impossible
that he might be accommodated with a lodging in Newgate, and
that the ordinary there, might oblige him to say his prayers, a practice
from which he hath had an insuperable aversion all his life long.
In this dreadful dilemma, he hath at last determined to apply to
your high mightinesses, and by this memorial to lay himself at your
feet, which he assures you, is the true modish phrase for respectful
submission, according to the present etiquette of the court. Being
informed, however, that some of you are Presbyterians, and Religionists,
he has been also at some pains to find out a scripture warrant
or example for his present conduct, and has happily found it
in the advice given by the servants of Benhadad, king of Syria, to
their master, 1 Kings, xx. 31–82. And his servants said unto him,
Behold now, we have heard that the kings of the house of Israel are
merciful kings: Let us, we pray thee, put sackcloth upon our loins, and
ropes upon our heads, and go out to the king of Israel: peradventure
he will save thy life. So they girded sackcloth upon their loins, and
put ropes upon their heads, and came to the king of Israel, and said,
thy servant Benhadad saith, I pray thee let me live. In like manner,
O most mighty and venerable congress-men, your servant, J. R—
saith, I pray you let me live.

"Having thus preferred my petition, I must now entreat leave
to lay before your high mightinesses, sundry reasons, which I hope
will incline you to lend a favorable ear to it, in doing which, I shall
use all possible plainness and candor. 1. In the first place, there
cannot possibly be any danger to the United States in suffering me
to live. I know many of you think and say, that a tory heart acquires
such a degree of sourness and malevolence, in addition to its
native stock, and such a habit of treachery, by breaking through

the most endearing ties of nature, that no good can be expected
from it, nor any dependence placed upon it, let pretences or appearances
be what they will. I remember also, about seven years ago,
a certain person hearing accidentally one or two paragraphs read
from the writings of an eminent controversial divine in this country,
said, That fellow must be a turncoat; it is impossible that he could
have been educated in the profession which he now defends. What
is your reason for that opinion? said another gentleman who was
present—Because, says he, he discovers a rancor of spirit and rottenness
of heart, unattainable by any other class of men. But I
contend that these remarks relate only to the natives of this country,
who like parricides took up arms for her destruction; and to apostates
in religion; neither of which, I am certain, can be applied to
me. I was born, as is well known, in old England; and as for the
accusation of apostacy, I set it at defiance, unless a man can be said
to fall off from what he was never on, or to depart from a place which
he never saw. But what I beg of you particularly to observe is, that
let the disposition to mischief be as great as you please, where the
ability is wanting, there can be no danger. I have often seen the
lions in the tower of London without fear, because there was an iron
grate between me and them. Now it is certain that the tories in
general would do any thing sooner than fight. Many of them became
tories for no other reason than that they might avoid fighting.
The poor chicken-hearted creatures cried out to the potent king of
England, to take them under his wings for protection, which he
endeavoured to do, but they were too short to cover them. Even
the late petition for arms, in which they promised to go without the
lines, and sweep you all away with the besom of destruction, was
but an idle rhodomontade.—It was something like a poor boy shouting
and singing in the dark, to keep himself from being afraid. At
that very time, to my certain knowledge, they would have given the
world for a place to fly to, out of the reach of Washington and Gates.
But I return to myself, egomet sum proximus mihi. I can assure
your high mightinesses, that no danger can arise from me, for I am
as great a coward as King James VIth of Scotland, who could never
see a naked sword without trembling; having been, as it is said,
frightened in his mother's belly, when the fierce barons of that
country came in and killed David Rizzio in her presence. I was
once severely caned by a Scots officer now (if employed) in your
service. Though the gentlemen of that choleric nation have been
very much our friends in the present controversy, I find it is dangerous
to offend them. Buchanan their own historian says, perfervidum
est Scotorum ingenium. Therefore, by the by, or en passant,
for I suppose you are at present best pleased with French phrases, I
would advise every man who regards his own peace, however smooth
and gentle a Scotchman may appear, not to take him against the
hair, as the saying is in their own country, but to remember the
motto that surrounds the thistle, Nemo me impune lacessit. I also
very narrowly escaped a sound beating from a New-England parson,
who was strong enough, without either cane or cudgel, to have
pounded me to a mummy. All this, and much more of the same
kind, I bore with the most exemplary patience and submission.
Perhaps it will be said, that though no danger is to be apprehended
from any deeds, yet I may do harm enough by words and writing.
To this I answer, that I have expended and exhausted my whole
faculty of that kind in the service of the English. I have tried
falsehood and misrepresentation in every shape that could be thought
of, so that it is like a coat thrice turned that will not hold a single
stitch. My friend, Gen. Ro—n told me some time ago in my
own shop, that I carried things so far that people could not believe
one word I said, even though it were as true as the gospel. From
all this I hope it plainly appears that there could be no danger from
me; and therefore as you cannot surely think of being cruel for cruelty's
sake, that you will suffer me to live. 2. Any further punishment
upon me, or any other of the unhappy refugees who shall
remain in New York, will be altogether unnecessary, for they do
suffer and will suffer from the nature of the thing, as much as a
merciful man could wish to impose upon his greatest enemy. By
this I mean the dreadful mortification (after our past puffing and
vaunting) of being tinder the dominion of Congress, seeing and hearing
the conduct and discourse of the friends of America, and perhaps
being put in mind of our own, in former times. You have probably
seen many of the English newspapers, and also some of mine, and
you have among you the few prisoners who by a miracle escaped
death in our hands. By all these means you may learn, with what
infinite contempt, with what provoking insult, and with what unexampled
barbarity, your people have, from the beginning to the end
been treated by the British officers, excepting a very small number,
but above all by the tories and refugees, who not having the faculty
of fighting, were obliged to lay out their whole wrath and malice in the
article of speaking. I remember, when one of the prisoners, taken
after the gallant defence of Fort Washington, had received several
kicks for not being in his rank, he said, Is this the way of treating
a gentleman? The answer was, G—d d—n your blood, who made
you a gentleman? which was heard by us all present with unspeakable
satisfaction, and ratified by general applause. I have also seen one
of your officers, after long imprisonment, for want of clothes food
and lodging, as meagre as a skeleton and as dirty and shabby as a
London beggar, when one of our friends would say with infinite
humour, Look you, there is one of King Cong's ragged rascals. You
must remember the many sweet names given you in print, in England
and America, Rebels, Rascals, Raggamuffins, Tatterdemalions, Scoundrels,
Blackguards, Cowards, and Poltroons. You cannot be ignorant
how many and how complete victories we gained over you, and what
a figure you made in our narratives. We never once made you to
retreat, seldom even to fly as a routed army, but to run off into the
woods, to scamper away through the fields, and to take to your heels
as usual. You will probably soon see the gazette account of the
defeat of Mr. Washington at Monmouth. There it will appear how
you scampered off, and how the English followed you and mowed
you down, till their officers, with that humanity which is the characteristic
of the nation, put a stop to this carnage, and then by a masterly
stroke of generalship, stole a march in the night, lest you should
have scampered back again and obliged them to make a new slaughter
in the morning. Now, dear gentlemen, consider what a miserable
affair it must be for a man to be obliged to apply with humility and
self abasement to those whom he hath so treated, nay, even to beg
life of them, while his own heart upbraids him with his past conduct,
and perhaps his memory is refreshed with the repetition of some of
his rhetorical flowers. It is generally said that our friend Burgoyne
was treated with abundance of civility by General Gates, and yet I
think it could not be very pleasing to him to see and hear the boys,
when he entered Albany, going before and crying "Elbow Room
for General Burgoyne there." Fear and trembling have already
taken hold of many of the refugees and friends of government in
this place. It would break your hearts to hear poor Sam S—, of
Philadelphia, weeping and wailing, and yet he was a peaceable quaker
who did nothing in the world but hire guides to the English
parties who were going out to surprise and butcher you. My brother
of trade, G—, is so much affected, that some say he has lost, or
will soon lose his reason. For my own part, I do not think I run
any risk in that respect. All the wisdom that I was ever possessed
of is in me still, praised be Grod, and likely to be so. A man that
has run the gauntlet of creditors, duns and bailiffs, for years in England,
and has been cudgelled, kicked, and p—d upon in America,
is in no danger of losing his reason by any circumstance whatever,
so long as there is the least prospect of saving his life. I have heard
some people say, that dishonor was worse than death, but with the
great Sancho Panza, I was always of a different opinion. I hope,
therefore, your honors will consider my sufferings as sufficient to
atone for my offences, and allow me to continue in peace and quiet,
and according to the North British proverb, Sleep in a whole Skin.

3. I beg leave to suggest, that upon being received into favour, I
think it would be in my power to serve the United States in several
important respects. I believe many of your officers want politeness.
They are like old Cincinnatus, taken from the plough; and therefore
must still have a little roughness in their manners and deportment.
Now, I myself am the pink of courtesy, a genteel, portly,
well looking fellow, as you will see in a summer's day. I understand
and possess the bienséance, the manner, the grace, so largely insisted
on by Lord Chesterfield; and may without vanity say, I could teach
it better than his Lordship, who in that article has remarkably failed.
I hear with pleasure that your people are pretty good scholars, and
have made, particularly, very happy advances in the art of swearing,
so essentially necessary to a gentleman, yet I dare say they will
themselves confess, that they are still in this respect far inferior to
the English army. There is, by all accounts, a coarseness and sameness

in their expression; whereas there is variety, sprightliness and
figure, in the oaths of gentlemen well educated. Dean Swift says
very justly, "A footman may swear, hut he cannot swear like a
lord." Now we have many lords in the English army, all of whom
when they were here, were pleased to honor me with their friendship
and intimacy; so that I hope my qualifications can hardly be disputed.
I have imported many of the most necessary articles for
appearance in genteel life. I can give them Lavornitti's soap balls
to wash their brown hands clean, perfumed gloves, paint, powder,
and pomatum. I can also furnish the New-England men with rings,
seals, swords, canes, snuff boxes, tweezer cases, and many other such
notions, to carry home to their wives and mistresses, who will be
nation-glad to see them. You are also to know that I import a
great many patent medicines, which may be of use to your army.
It is said that some of them are exceedingly liable to a disorder
called by physicians the rancomania, which is frequently followed
by the two twin diseases of plumbophobia and siderophobia. If they
will but submit to a strict regimen, and take the tincture drops and
pills which I prepare, I am confident the cure in most cases would
be infallible. I have been informed, that a certain person, well
known to your august body, has clearly demonstrated that virtue
and severity of manners are necessary to those who would pull an
old government down, which feat is now happily accomplished; but
that luxury, dissipation, and a taste for pleasures, are equally necessary
to keep up a government already settled. As I suppose you
are fully convinced of this most salutary truth, I take it for granted,
now that you have settled governments in all the states, you are
looking out for proper persons to soften the rigid virtue of the Americans,
and lay them asleep in the lap of self-indulgence. Now, I
am proud to say, that there is not a man on this continent more able
to serve you in this respect, than myself. I have served many of
the British officers in a most honorable station and character, of
which the great Pandarus of Troy was the most ancient example.
If I am happy enough to make my own conversation and manners
the standard of the mode, I believe you will see very powerful effects
of it in a short time. But if after recovering your friendship myself,
I am able also to bring back and reconcile to his country the Rev.
Dr. A—, I believe the system will be perfect. That gentleman,
by his robust form, is well fitted to be an ecclesiastical bruiser, if
such an officer should be needed; and, with all due deference to the
officers of the American army, I should think that a better way of
terminating differences among them in the last resort than sword or
pistol, for many obvious reasons. He has also distinguished himself
by the publication of some poems, on subjects extremely well suited
to the character of a christian clergyman, and very proper for initiating
the tender mind in the softest and most delicious of all arts, viz.
the art of love. Finally, I hope I may be of service to the United
States, as a writer, publisher, collector, and maker of news. I mention
this with some diffidence; because, perhaps, you will think I
have foreclosed myself from such a claim, by confessing (as above)
that my credit as a newswriter is broken by overstretching. But it
is common enough for a man in business, when his credit is wholly
gone in one place, by shifting his ground, and taking a new departure,
to flourish away, and make as great or greater figure than before.
How long that splendor will last is another matter, and belongs to
an after consideration. I might therefore, though my credit is gone
in New York, set up again in the place which is honored with your
residence. Besides, I might write those things only or chiefly, which
you wish to be disbelieved, and thus render you the most essential
service. This would be aiming and arriving at the same point, by
maneauvering retrograde. Once more, as I have been the ostensible
printer of other people's lies in New York, what is to hinder me from
keeping incog. and inventing or polishing lies, to be issued from the
press of another printer in Philadelphia? In one, or more, or all of
these ways, I hope to merit your approbation. It would be endless
to mention all my devices; and therefore I will only say further, that
I can take a truth, and so puff and swell and adorn it, still keeping
the proportion of its parts, but enlarging their dimensions, that you
could hardly discover where the falsehood lay, in case of a strict
investigation. That I may not weary you, I conclude with recommending
myself to your kind countenance and protection; and in
the mean time, waiting for a favorable answer, your petitioner, as in
duty bound, shall ever pray, &c.