The Poetical Works of Thomas Moore Collected by Himself. In Ten Volumes |
 | I, II. |
| III, IV. |
| V. |
| VI, VII. |
 | VIII, IX. |
|
|
|
HOW TO WRITE BY PROXY. |
| 1. |
| 2. |
|
|
|
| X. |
 | The Poetical Works of Thomas Moore |  |
278
HOW TO WRITE BY PROXY.
Qui facit per alium facit per se.
'Mong our neighbours, the French, in the good olden time
When Nobility flourish'd, great Barons and Dukes
Often set up for authors in prose and in rhyme,
But ne'er took the trouble to write their own books.
When Nobility flourish'd, great Barons and Dukes
Often set up for authors in prose and in rhyme,
But ne'er took the trouble to write their own books.
Poor devils were found to do this for their betters;—
And, one day, a Bishop, addressing a Blue,
Said, “Ma'am, have you read my new Pastoral Letters?”
To which the Blue answer'd—“No, Bishop, have you?”
And, one day, a Bishop, addressing a Blue,
Said, “Ma'am, have you read my new Pastoral Letters?”
To which the Blue answer'd—“No, Bishop, have you?”
The same is now done by our privileg'd class;
And, to show you how simple the process it needs,
If a great Major-General
wishes to pass
For an author of History, thus he proceeds:—
And, to show you how simple the process it needs,
279
For an author of History, thus he proceeds:—
First, scribbling his own stock of notions as well
As he can, with a goose-quill that claims him as kin,
He settles his neckcloth—takes snuff—rings the bell,
And yawningly orders a Subaltern in.
As he can, with a goose-quill that claims him as kin,
He settles his neckcloth—takes snuff—rings the bell,
And yawningly orders a Subaltern in.
The Subaltern comes—sees his General seated,
In all the self-glory of authorship swelling;—
“There, look,” saith his Lordship, “my work is completed,—
“It wants nothing now, but the grammar and spelling.”
In all the self-glory of authorship swelling;—
“There, look,” saith his Lordship, “my work is completed,—
“It wants nothing now, but the grammar and spelling.”
Well used to a breach, the brave Subaltern dreads
Awkward breaches of syntax a hundred times more;
And, though often condemn'd to see breaking of heads,
He had ne'er seen such breaking of Priscian's before.
Awkward breaches of syntax a hundred times more;
And, though often condemn'd to see breaking of heads,
He had ne'er seen such breaking of Priscian's before.
However, the job's sure to pay—that's enough—
So, to it he sets with his tinkering hammer,
Convinc'd that there never was job half so tough
As the mending a great Major-General's grammar.
So, to it he sets with his tinkering hammer,
280
As the mending a great Major-General's grammar.
But, lo, a fresh puzzlement starts up to view—
New toil for the Sub.—for the Lord new expense:
'Tis discover'd that mending his grammar wo'n't do,
As the Subaltern also must find him in sense!
New toil for the Sub.—for the Lord new expense:
'Tis discover'd that mending his grammar wo'n't do,
As the Subaltern also must find him in sense!
At last—even this is achieved by his aid;
Friend Subaltern pockets the cash and—the story;
Drums beat—the new Grand March of Intellect's play'd—
And off struts my Lord, the Historian, in glory!
Friend Subaltern pockets the cash and—the story;
Drums beat—the new Grand March of Intellect's play'd—
And off struts my Lord, the Historian, in glory!
| The Poetical Works of Thomas Moore | |