University of Virginia Library

Scene III.

—The Chambers of Horrors as it is.
(The room contains several figures dressed in imitation of clumsy wax-work, their faces very pink and white, blue dots for the beard, eyebrows very distinct, eye-lashes very marked and very far apart. They wear clumsy wigs and palpably false whiskers, and stand about in stiff, constrained attitudes. The clock strikes twelve—the figures gradually appear to wake, (stretching themselves in a jerky way as if they were moved by rusty clock-work. Old Bailey, a waz figure, dressed in chains, comes forward.)
Chorus of Wax Figures.
Air.—“A fosco cielo.” (La Sonnambula.)
(as before.)

Old Bailer.
'Tis now the very witching hour, tis said,
When wax-works yawn, and stretch themselves in bed.
Awake, awake, awake, each waxen mummy!
Quite long enough at “Whist!” you've taken dummy!
Courvoisier—Marat—long enough you've sat
In that old bath of yours—come out of that!

A Lady.
(shocked)
Oh, gracious goodness!

Old Bailey.
Why, you seem distressed!

A Lady.
You know he can't come out—he isn't dressed!
How shall we spend the time 'tween this and day?

Old Bailey.
Let's have a can-can!

A Lady.
Shocking! go away!

Old Bailey.
Suppose we go and worry in the gloom
The decent people in the other room!

All.
Agreed!

Old Bailey.
Come on then—silent as a mouse!

They creep towards entrance (R.), when enter from R, as if pushed violently from behind, wax figures of King John, Richard III., and Queen Mary.
Old Bailey.
Who's this?

King John
A messenger from the other house!
Allow me—I'm King John—that's hump—backed Dick—
This is Queen Mary!

Old Bailey.
(chucking her under the chin.)
Interesting chick!

King John.
They've turned us out of there—they're much the stronger—
They say they cannot stand us any longer.

(Mary cries.)
Old Bailey.
Come, come, don't whimper—dry your tears, my dear—
You'll find yourselves much more at home in here.

King John.
It's very hard! a week has hardly passed
Since I was broken, melted, and re-cast!

A Lady.
You've taken other characters?

King John.
Of course!
For years I've passed as Mr. Wilberforce.
It's hard to saddle one, who saints has passed for,
With all the vices of a part he's cast for?

Old Bailey.
Well, well, we were not always steeped in crime,
(With cup.)
Here's better luck to all of us, next time!
I can remember—though it's long gone by—
When I was Pope—and she was Mrs. Fry!
(Indicating a Lady).
Listen! Of human steps I hear some traces—
Quick, all of you! resume your proper place.

They all resume their original places and attitudes. Then enter Robert (R.), then Gobetto (L.), and finally Bertram (C.)
Trio.—Robert, Bertram, and Gobetto.
Air—From “Le Dieu et la Bayadire.”
Oh, animosity and villanous verbosity,
Perpetual precocity, and fabulous ferocity
And venomous velocity and every other-ocity,
In planning an atrocity or compassing a crime.

Bert.
Cast, I pray, your pretty little eyes on
Folks who slay, and folks who garotte—
And folks who stab, and folks who pison,
A fearful lot—a fearful lot!

Chorus.
—Oh, animosity and villanous verbosity, &c.

Rob.
Is this the spot?

Bert.
It is—here end our tracks!

Rob.
I never saw so large a spot of wax!
(in a great fright)
I don't half like it—please I want to go!

Bert.
(sarcastically.)
I thought you called yourself Diavolo!

(Fetches a brazier from the wing. A scroll is attached to the brazier, and the magic branch (a policeman's staff, is above it.)
Rob.
In spots so dark and damp I'm no believer,
Diavolo would die of a low fever!

Bert.
(pointing to staff).
Observe the magic branch, sir, if you please
Where any one can seize it at his ease.

Rob.
(looking at scroll)
I see some words. My rights, should I exceed them,
If I attempt to—

Bert.
By all means read them.

Rob.
(reads)
“Hail, happy Robert—that must be the name
Of any one who hopes this staff to claim—
In safety you may always be a ranger—
For in all kind of modern high-way danger,
Invisibility it will afford—
If street-rows should be rife, or thieves abroad,
Or beery ruffians, brave with half-and half,
No eye can see the man who bears this staff!”
The very thing! The staff shall soon be mine!

(He attempts to seize the staff, but Bertram stops him.)
Bert.
Stop! There's the contract first to seal and sign—

Rob.
Oh, then I'll sign it now, if you'll reveal it,
There is no lack of wax, in reach, to seal it!
They're all upon the floor, both reds and blacks.

Bert.
That being so, they can't be sealing wax.
These are all statues, raised from time to time,
To people who're remarkable for crime.

Gob.
What beautiful complexions, though, have some here!

Bert.
They're much improved since Madame Rachel's come here!

Rob.
But if their wicked deeds could so unnerve one,
Why give them statues?

Bert.
'Cause they don't deserve one!
That's our strict rule—a rule we never garble—
“Good deeds we write in sand—bad deeds in marble!”

Rob.
You said that they were wax—besides, it's plain!

Bert.
“Wax to receive, but marble to retain.”
Now then, to give them life—

(Prepares to light the brazier.)
Gob.
Poo—how you talk!
Have you the power to make wax figures walk?

Bert.
Walk? I'll do more than that, before I've done
(lights brazier.)
Increase the temperature, and they'll run!
Though dead, they'll move about until they're cool

Gob.
At what heat will they run?

Bert.
A dead heat, fool!
But if they're obdurate, you'll get a welting.

Rob.
(anxiously)
Will they be obdurate?

Bert.
No—see, they're melting?

(Bertram turns a winch behind the brazier, and as he turns the figures come to life. One of the figures, a Lady Abbess, comes forward, and suggests, by action, that they should all give themselves up to enjoyment. The Lady Abbess waves her hand. The wax figures change suddenly to ballet girls, and the scene to—