 | The Discreet Princess ; or, the Three Glass Distaffs |  |
107
Scene First.
—The Council Chamber—The King discovered in Council.King.
Props of our power and pillars of our State,
Supporting of our government the weight,
Like—I may say without offence—like bricks;
To you King Gander turns, when in a fix,
That as you in your wisdoms may think fit,
You may advise him to get out of it.
Min.
My liege, as you sagaciously surmise,
That is exactly what we do advise.
King.
What?
Min.
To get out of it without delay.
King.
But how? By what means? In what kind of way?
1st Councillor.
Ere we decide, perhaps 'twill please your grace
To favour us by stating first the case.
King.
The case?
2nd Coun.
We can't well argue it without
Knowing a little what it is about.
King.
Can't you? Why how, do other councils do
That know no more of anything than you?
Min.
But we are not a common council, sire.
King.
Certainly not!
1st Coun.
And if we might inquire—
King.
Well, it won't make much difference, and so
The case is this. Some nineteen years ago
I prayed for three fine boys my name to bear.
Indulgent fortune granted my fond prayer
By sending me three girls.
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Three graces!
1st Coun.
Goddesses!
Not to be matched in Iliads or in Odysses.
King.
The eldest, Princess Idelfonza, who
Does nothing—
Min.
As a princess ought to do.
King.
The second, Babillarda, fair as young,
But with no end whatever to her tongue.
1st Coun.
But then so musical each word it drops,
It may be called an organ—
King.
Without stops.
The third—Finetta—who one happy morn,
With a full set of wisdom teeth was born,
So shrewd—so prudent—'tis our firm impression,
That all her years have been years of discretion.
Min.
A fact almost to make one doubt her sex.
1st Coun.
A fact to please you, sire; and not perplex.
King.
Granted; but there is yet to state another:
Fate has deprived them of their royal mother;
And when I go, as by my vow I'm bound,
The Paynim foe in Palestine to pound,
Like all the ancient Ganders of my race,
Who shall protect them in their parent's place?
How keep them from believing gay deceivers
Whilst I am pummelling the unbelievers?
Answer me that, ye Councillors, who can.
Min.
My liege, methinks I could propose a plan
On which your Majesty might act with ease.
King.
Which is—?
Min.
To do whatever, sir, you please.
King.
Humph! that idea had occurred to me.
What say you, Baron?
1st Coun.
With humility,
I differ from so learned an authority;
No doubt I shall be quite in a minority—
But still my sense of duty makes me dare,
Dread sire, emphatically to declare
That in a case—permit me the expression—
A case, my liege, affecting the succession,
You're bound to do—not as has been expressed,
Just what you please—but just what you think best;
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Are bound to think what you think best is so.
King.
Courageous Councillor! who ventures thus
To speak his mind, and tell the truth to us!
I'll follow your advice, sir, to the letter,
And let me see the man who dares think better.
Has any one another word to say?
(all shake their heads)
Min.
They answer, nothing—in the usual way.
The Council is unanimous.
King.
And so
Am I. (they rise)
Accept my thanks before you go,
For having, after grave deliberation,
Confirmed me—in my own determination.
(Exeunt all but King)
Though what that is, I have not quite decided.
Kind fortune, who has every gander guided,
Since 'twixt the legs of Jove one saved his life
From old Philemon's hospitable knife,
Be to an anxious father of some use,
And to my goslings prove a—
(Music—The back of the throne opens and discovers Mother Goose)
Mother Goose!
Save me, and hover o'er me with your wings!
What would your gracious figure?
Mother G.
First of kings,
In whom I've ta'en an interest for ages,
Being a special pet of my own pages,
I come to solace your paternal pains,
And with my art supply your lack of brains.
King.
I feel the compliment.
Mother G.
I know you do.
I read your thoughts, and could your mind look through.
If you had one.
King.
I've half a mind, good mother,
But can't quite make it up, some way or other.
Mother G.
Yes! to lock up your daughters in a tower!
As if Dan Cupid hadn't got the power
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Love laughs at locksmiths!
King.
That's a farce.
Mother G.
Mayhap.
There's but one way the tempter to avoid;
Keep head and hand in honest work employed.
Idleness of all evil is the root.
King.
A fact established quite beyond dispute!
I wrote it in my copy book at school;
Mother G.
Then make your daughters copy the same rule.
King.
A brilliant thought! 'tis plain whate'er inviting,
They can't be wronging if they're always writing;
I'll order in, of copy books, a van full,
Hundreds of pens, of ink a mighty can full.
Mother G.
Nay, nay, though goose quills I must needs respect,
Young ladies' hands they sometimes mis-direct.
I'll keep them safer occupation in,
The proper task of spinsters is to spin.
(Music—Waves her crutch—Three Glass Distaffs rise through the stage.)
(presents them)
There is a precious gift for each fair lass.
These distaffs are of fine cut fairy glass;
Though force can make upon them no impression,
They shiver at the slightest indiscretion.
King.
Odds bobs! they're ticklish tools for girls to handle!
Mother G.
But safeguards against violence or scandal.
On your return, if they're produced unbroken,
Of prudence you can't have a surer token.
Farewell! upon my friendship reckon freely.
(music—Mother Goose disappears)
King.
No fairy could behave much more genteelly.
Astounding incident! But quick! time presses;
Ho! some one—summon hither the Princesses.
Enter Scharp.
Scharp.
One Princess comes unsummoned, gracious sir.
King.
'Tis well! if so, you need not summon her.
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Too solid flesh to melt into adieu!
(Exit Scharp)
Enter Finetta.
Fin.
“Adieu!” in time I come, then.
King.
Ah, Finetta!
Or, as thy mother called thee, Pin Basketta!
Thou always comest apropos, my dear.
Fin.
It's apropos de bottes this time, I fear;
For if the news be true about that's bruited,
By glory spurred, you'll speedily be booted
King.
The tidings are authentic, daughter mine,
Like brave Dunois, I'm bound for Palestine.
Fin.
And wherefore off to Palestine thus bustle men?
King.
We go to Palestine to fight the Mussulmen.
Fin.
But why to fight the Mussulmen, in fine?
King.
Because, my love—we go to Palestine.
Fin.
That is no answer, sir, my question to.
What have the Mussulmen, pray, done to you?
King.
What have they done to me?—Good gracious, why?
They have done—Pshaw! what can that signify?
If people stopped to ask why out they fall,
There'd be no fighting in the world at all!
Suffice it that for glory I've a passion—
Besides, “Partant pour la Syrie's” the fashion.
Enter Scharp.
Scharp.
The Princess Babillarda.
Enter Babillarda.
Babil.
Oh, papa!
What's this they tell me—you are going to war?
And not alone—which nobody would mind, sir—
But leaving not an officer behind, sir,
To chat or flirt with—it is much too hard.
Not a young Guardsman to take off his guard—
No Grenadier to form a forlorn hope with—
No Light Dragoon a lady could galope with—
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And when we're toasted, no Hussar to cheer us!
It's too bad—all our beaux off thus to walk too,
And leave us not a single soul to talk to!
I—
King.
Hold your tongue!
Babil.
I can't! I never could!
And is it likely in this case I should!
I've got a thousand things to you to say.
King.
Well, tell me all then—when I'm gone away.
Babil.
But—
Song—Babillarda—Air, “Domino Noir.”
I must to-day, sir, have my say,
Before you go away;
And so I beg you'll stay,
And hear me, pray.
For not a word as yet I've heard
Of what has just occurred,
That doesn't seem absurd, say what you may.
If go you must for glory's sake, sir,
There's no reason you should take, sir,
All the nice young men in town, sir,
Who don't care about renown, sir;
And would rather here at home at soldiers play.
It's folly, quite, to go and fight,
When at your ease you might
Be morning, noon, and night—says Mr. Bright.
And I'd agree with that M.P.,
If folks would let you be!
But then they won't, you see—despite advice:
Yet still, I think, if you'd but send
To them, some “honourable friend,”
Who to practise what he preaches,
Would do nothing but make speeches,
They'd be glad to buy his peace at any price.
Before you go away;
And so I beg you'll stay,
And hear me, pray.
For not a word as yet I've heard
Of what has just occurred,
That doesn't seem absurd, say what you may.
If go you must for glory's sake, sir,
There's no reason you should take, sir,
All the nice young men in town, sir,
Who don't care about renown, sir;
And would rather here at home at soldiers play.
It's folly, quite, to go and fight,
When at your ease you might
Be morning, noon, and night—says Mr. Bright.
And I'd agree with that M.P.,
If folks would let you be!
But then they won't, you see—despite advice:
Yet still, I think, if you'd but send
To them, some “honourable friend,”
Who to practise what he preaches,
Would do nothing but make speeches,
They'd be glad to buy his peace at any price.
King.
Silence!
Fin.
Dear sister! Pray obedient be—
Or, if you can't stop talking—talk to me.
(they go up stage talking aside)
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Scharp.
(announcing)
The Princess Idelfonza!
King.
So! At last—
You haven't made much haste!
Idel.
I can't walk fast—
You know, papa, it puts me in a flurry.
Where are you going, sir, in such a hurry?
King.
To Palestine, to gather laurels!
Idel.
Law!
Why can't you gather laurels here, papa?
Or send somebody—though it cost you double—
To gather 'em and save you all the trouble?
King.
The trouble is a pleasure!
Idel.
Well, I vow,
I can't think trouble pleasure—any how.
King.
You must be taught to think so, daughter. See
Here are three distaffs.
(Finetta and Babillarda come down)
Idel.
There then let them be
King.
Nay, they are presents from a learned friend—
There's one for each—and, girls, you may depend
During my absence you'll find great enjoyment
In this serene and primitive employment.
Babil.
I spin!
King.
Why not? you love to spin a yarn.
Idel.
You'll tell us next our stockings we should darn.
Fin.
Nay, sister, history, and fable show
Princesses used to spin some time ago;
And Babillarda knows such occupation
Is no impediment to conversation.
Babil.
Well, that's some comfort certainly and though—
King.
Let me get one more word in, ere I go,
And then talk till you're tired, if you can.
Idel.
Let me sit down, then, there's a dear good man.
For I am tired. (sits)
King.
Hear me, girls, all three!
Through these glass distaffs you don't clearly see.
They have been made by magic.
Three Princesses.
Magic!
King.
Magic!
And your ends may be tragic.
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Tragic!
King.
Tragic!
If by misconduct you should chance to break 'em!
Babil.
Then what a shame of you to go and make em!
King.
I didn't.
Fin.
No, he told us just before
They're made by magic. Pa's no conjuror!
King.
Not I! But to proceed. They will protect you
Whilst you behave as prudence should direct you.
But if you swerve the least from her dictation,
You'll find 'em brittle as your reputation.
Babil.
Do you suspect us, sir, of—
King.
Heaven forbid!
But I shall treat you just as if I did,
And upon this score to feel quite at ease,
Make you your own “material guarantees,”
By wisely locking up the stable door,
Not after the steed's stolen—but before!
Babil.
What! Lock us up? 'Twill be my death, sir!
Fin.
Pshaw!
Papa's not going, child, to lock your jaw.
With work and books it won't be so distressing.
Idel.
Well, I shan't have to move, and that's a blessing!
Babil.
And where's this hateful prison, pray, to be?
King.
In the Round Tower, which I go to see
Prepared for your reception. You safe in it,
On my own tour I set out the next minute.
Quartett—King, Babillarda, Finetta, and Idelfonza—“Goosey Gander.”
King.
Like a gallant Gander,
Ere hence I wander,
You three
I'll see
Safe in the Tower yonder.
Three Princesses.
If any young man
Drops in unawares?—
King.
There's a policeman
Ready, if he dares!
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Take him by the left leg,
Take him by both legs,
And drop him—down stairs.
All.
Like a gallant Gander,
Ere hence I/he'll wander
You three/Us three
I'll/He'll see
Safe in the tower yonder.
(Exeunt King and Princesses.)
| The Discreet Princess ; or, the Three Glass Distaffs | |