University of Virginia Library

Scene 1.

Enter Alonso and Gaspar.
Alonso.
Art sure hee'l come?

Gasp.
I'm sure he promis'd me.
But Debtors words are like to whirl-winds, here
And ev'ry where when they should pay. This money
Is worse then bird-lime, or a Tertian Feaver,
And will stick close to their possession
That have it; specially to pay.

Alon.
Then thou
Beleev'st he will not come?

Gasp.
'Ts no point of Faith, Sir,
But I doe think so: send for him to Trucks,
To Passage, or Primero, and hee'l find
Ryals of eight, and Pistolets to play,
Or pawn his plate for't; but to pay your debt,
Tush! 'tis a trisle.

Alo.
What? six thousand Duccats?

Gas.
Faith! were it seven, the Hollanders (hee'l tell you)
This year surpris'd the Flota; and the ships
From th'Indies by the inauspitious blasts
Of the ill-boding North, are still kept off;
And then hee'l kisse away his hand in kindnesse,
With Beso las manos, criado de vuestra merced,
And for these terms expect forbearance.

Alo.
What
Shall I do then? I need my mony, and
Must have it immediatly.

Gas.
Faith get it then
Which way you can; For on my conscience
He will not pay you, 'lesse you fairly set
An Alguazill on's shoulders; clap him up,
And then ne're fear your money.

Alo.
That were base;
Unworthy in me, who have still profess'd
My self his friend, to be the first that should
Shipwrack his Credit, which ith' Cities eye
Shines bright; the chiefest glory of us Merchants
Is Alvarez: no! I do know him honest,
And sure hee'l pay; if not, the sum's not great,
I can forbear't.

Gas.
Six thousand Duccats is
A sum of money, many an honest man
Would wish his patrimony.

Alo.
Say it be,
It is too little to o'repoize the worth
Of Alvarez: For should I once begin,
His other Creditors by my example
Would lay their Actions on him, keep him fast
For ever comming forth.

Gas.
Faith! not much matter,
There let him lie, and keep the pavement warm,
Tell to the silent Walls how he hath wasted
His wealth in riot, and by Drabs contracted
A foul consumption both to corps and purse;
Make the dumb stones his Confessors, they'l melt
Perchance into contrition, and weep
To see him made their Captive.

Alo.
Thou'rt too cruell;
I must not be so, lest that Widows prayers
Whom he hath cherisht, should draw vengeance on me,
And Orphans tears shed for his loss, rise up
In swelling Cataracts to overwhelm me.

Gas.
Consult with reason, Sir: this childish pitie
Is an effeminate passion, shake it off:
Say he hath spent his own rich patrimony,
And others wealth in purchasing a Name
To his posterity; pray tell me Signior,
Will that Name pay his debts? Or will those men
That have been better for his wealth, afford
Him so much kindnesse; 'twere but gratitude
As to content you and an hundred more
He stands engag'd to: Let me rule you, give me
Leave, I'll arrest him in my own Name, so
You may passe blamelesse: pray you do, when others
Have seiz'd on all, you'l wish perchance you'd ta'ne
My foolish counsell.

Alo.
Hold your tongue, I will not
Injure my friend so, I'll first lose it; tell me
What Cash affords your Desk?

Gas.
Ten thousand Duccas.

Alo.
See it told out with expedition;
My daughter's to be married, and must have
That as a part of portion.

Gas.
Married, Cousin?
You'l not be so ignoble to infringe
Your promise to me?

Alo.
'Twas an ill one, better
Broken then kept.

Gas.
Did I for this, when you
Deplum'd of your Estate, to shun the frown
Of envious Fortune, was constrain'd to crosse
The surly Ocean, and so steere your flight
Into the Indies, with a little remnant
Of your left wealth, content your Creditors,
Bring up your daughter only upon hopes
To have her for my pains, as then you know
You did oblige your self, that now another
Must reap my harvest: Let me tell you, Sir,
It is not honest in you.

Alo.
How now Bastard?
Dare you be muttring? Is't not more then I
Am any way oblig'd to, to maintain
Thee in the fashion of a Gentleman,
Make thee my fellow, but thy tainted blood
Thinks to pollute mine? Urge me with a promise
Unjust as that was? You may passe, the doore
Stand open for you, and your Pasports writ,
Take your course, Bastard.

Gas.
You're my Fate, your tongue
Hath power to transform my thoughts, create
Anew my resolutions; I confesse
From you I have my meat; my life depends
On your beneficent Genius: I offend
Ev'n to damnation, should I be ingrate
In my respect to you: I've left my hopes,
Your promise Lethe now hath quite washt-out,
No print of it remains within my breast:
Joyn her in Flymeneall rites with whom,
And when you please; my worst desires shall be,
Heav'ns give her joy.

Alo.
Now thou art honest, Gaspar.
I see thou dost affect me, I'll provide
To solemnize thy nuptials with some One
To thy advancement.

Gas.
Sir, Your bounteous hand
(I know's) too liberall: may I crave his name
That must enjoy my Mistress?

Alo.
Balthasar!
Don Frederiques heire! But stay ! 's Varina's portion
Already told and ticketed?

Gas.
Yes, Sir, and set apart.

Enter Præpontio and Rubio.
Præ.
Save you Sir; or rather as we say in French, Bon jour:
Is my illustrious Mistress stirring yet?

Alo.

She none of the earliest risers: please you walk in and eat an
Olive, tast a cup of Alicant, and by that time she'l come.

Præ.

I thank you, Sir; but my stomack hath not yet digested the
erudities of my last nights Symbolum

Rub.

It might have done, I'm sure you fasted.

Gas.

And has not left picking his teeth yet.

Præ.

Yet if you please, my renowned Uncle, that must be, we will
vouchsafe to warm our palats with a jar of your Monturkie.

Rub.

He means to Fox himself, that he may have Rhethorick to
Court his Mistress: For, Facundi calices quem non fecere disertum, Full
Cups make men eloquent.

Præ.

My diminutive and defective knave, seal your lips.

Rub.

He's afeard I should cozen him of some of the Monturkie he
hopes for.

Alo.

How fares your Uncle?

Præ.

Well, very well; he hath sent my Mistress a copy of his countenance,
and here she comes.

Enter Varina.
Strike me not dead with those bright eyes, retort
Those splendent Sun-beams on your selfe, who only
Can bear such piercing clearnesse.

Gas.
Mark his postures, he'l kisse her shoo-strings.

Rub.

Nay, eat the Rushes she treads on: look how Pythagorically
he gapes? he's turn'd Astronomer!

Gas.

Have you measured the length of her physnomy, or taken the
height of her forehead yet?

Rub.

But Master, you must salute her.

Præ.

Divine, ambiguous, and transparent creature, I salute you with
this b—b—bus: my complements were not cut out according to the
garb of the time; but my words are sufficient interpreters of my internall
affections, and so sweet-heare I love you by this b—b—bus.

Var.

A little of this, Sir, is sufficient.

Præ.

Nay! thou shalt have thy belly full of it, my little Duck.

Gas.

I never heard of a belly full of kisses before.

Præ.

Lend me your hand to feed on!

Rub.

Beware, Mistress, he eat it not, he is sharp set I assure you, he
had nothing but an Eringo root and a clove of Garlick for his collation.

Ala.

Sir, Præpontio, My Necce deserves none of these complements.

Præ.

How, Sir? you are her Uncle, and so your tongue is privileged;
but if another had presum'd to speak so prophane a syllable upon her
merit, mark me, if thunder-thumping Jove had said it, mark me, I would
have pulled him by the fore-top, or lug'd him by the ears.

Alo.
I doubt not of your valour; but my businesse
Urges my hast.

Præ.
And so doth mine.

(He untrusses himself.)
Rub.
He's ready to bewray himselfe.

Alo.
Say, will your Uncle make her a Joynture?

Præ.

Will he? A man of your reverend complexion to demand that
question? Will he? He shall, in spite of his nose, old dotard! or else
I would, as we say in Italian, prove him, At stulti loco, that is to say,
wholly a fool: But he has done it already, Sir,

Look here, Sir.

(Pulls out a sealed parchment.)
Alo.
Why then we will contract you.
You are content, Varina, to have this Gentleman.

Var.
Since you command it.

Alo.
You'll use her kindly, Sir.

Præ.

Curse upon this magnificent corpse else; she shall have her
Moletto's in green Jackets to stoop to her, when she pleases to perfume
the aire with her odoriferous countenance; and her Negro's to
lay their heads for her to tread on.

Rub.

And if you, Master, be not able for night work, and so forth,
send for me, I can do that.

Alo.

Well, I'll trust you with her: Gaspar, let's go.

Præ.

Farewell.
Exeunt Alo. and Gasp.
Come Gentlewoman, me thinks I am as lusty as Nestor in his second
Age.

Rub.

You may believe him, Mistress.

Præ.

It seems to me that your beauty operates with my body, as the
Sun with the year; which makes the year throw off its russet mantle,
and becoming young, to take on its green coat: Now methinkes my
bones, frozen with Age, are dissolved, and distill into my Codpeece.

Rub.

These words are in you, as the Primrose in the midst of Winter,
but the Primrose stinketh not so bad as your breath.

Præ.

Now my former vigours return to my vitals; Atlas was
but a weak Boy, which could not scarce beare up that with his
Shoulders, which with my little finger I am able to sustain: Now
could I with a kick of my heele, strike a Lane through the Alps,
and so make an in-road for dusky Neptune, I tell thee my sweeting,
Adonis, when he was beloved of Venus, was not so beautifull as I am.
Troth thou art supereminently beautifull too: Jove would think it no
disparagement to be a Cuckow, a Swan, a Bull, or any thing, to enjoy
the beatitude of thy sweet society; Great Hercules would to
schoole, and learn to spin again for thy enjoyment. In briefe, Lady, I
love you.

Var.

In brief Sir, though my Uncle pleas to think me worthy of no better
a spouse then your ridiculous self, in serious terms I cannot affect
you; it is not the quaintness of your language that can charm me. If Cupid
have no more powerful darts then what drops from your tongue, he
can wound but little, Sir, it will argue your prudence to desist from this
your enterprise, for my part I had rather be of the society of Danaus
daughters, and torment me in the abissive Hogsheads, then be your bedfellow.
But we poore Orphans being shuffled out of our own estates,
must be disposed of at the pleasure of our Guardians, even to any one.
But, Sir, in short, I shall esteem more highly of a wise man in his shirt,
then of a foole in his richest Trappings: and for my own part, I cannot
love you.

Rub.

Never marry her then, Master: for if you doe, you may
chance be a kinsman to the great Turk, and blazon the Horns for your
Arms.

Præ.

You doe but jest, you speak not heartily?

Var.

You'l finde I am in earnest. Farewell, you know my resolution.

Exit.
Præ.

O Rubio, call her back.

Rub.

Will she come when I call her?

Præ.

Conjure her then.

Rub.

I am no Negromancer, I never studied the black Art in all my
life: But d'you hear Dona Varina I call you, I conjure you to come
unto my Master Don Præpontio. Sure, Master, she's no Devill, for if she
were, she would have risen at my conjuration.

Præ.

But what shall we doe to get her?

Rub.

Faith, Sir, you and I and half a dozen more good fellows will
rifle for her, you shall have Dice will run nothing but sixes.

Exeunt.