LETTERS FROM KALEIDAVILLE
IN
THE OLD PURCHASE.
LETTER I.
Dear Charles,—You insist that I am an incorrigible
skeptic, and seem inclined to deliver me over to the secular
arm. “What!” say you, “shall we disbelieve the evidence
of the senses, and the testimony of reputable citizens?”
“What,” you triumphantly ask, “can be more satisfactory
than experiments, such as the citizens of Somewhersburg
have lately witnessed?—men, and even young women (!) rendered
incapable of speaking! and a very mercurial dancing
master arrested at the mere will of the mesmerist, and
made to stand as if petrified, in the act of cutting a pigeon-wing!”
You tell me, also, that your judges, lawyers, and even
clergymen, begin to be convinced that phrenology and mesmerism
“have something in them;” and that at your special
desire the clairvoyant was led to Kaleidaville, where she
saw, in a kind of a place, a remarkable looking gentleman
with something like a feather or something else in his fingers,
or somewhere near him;—in which very lucid description
you at once recognized your humble servant,—and
that without doubt the lady saw me writing a letter!
Very near the truth this, Charles, for on the identical
night I certainly was “in a kind of place,” being at a phrenological
lecture; and at the earnest request of the company,
I did consent to sit for my phrenology! It is certainly a
most delightful art, and does one as well as a flattering mirror.
Whether the head-fumbler had previously ascertained
my character, or whether struck with my appearance and
port, is uncertain: but he made so decided a hit, as to draw
forth the applause of the company, and
tickle my vanity not
a little. And then the said lecturer did unhesitatingly declare,
what every body already knew, that my developments
showed the author, and that I certainly must have written
one book at least, and would doubtless write another! Your
clairvoyant came very near seeing a feather, or something
like one.
But notwithstanding this admission, and that I did then
and there see some marvellous sights with my own natural
eyes; as, for example, several interesting young men nailed
to the wall, by the tips of their forefingers, with their eyes
open and yet asleep; also three or four magnetized personages
go off quick as a percussion cap, the instant their bumps
were judiciously touched by a proper wand; and, although
I did moreover distinctly see a “set to,” in which the combatants
could not hit each others' faces, while they did most
desperately aim to do so, coming indeed so near, that one of
the parties did flinch—(which, by the way, was contrary to
rule, as the youngsters were supposed to know nothing of the
external world all the time)—and, although a very modest
young lady did prophesy in her sleep—(modest, I say, because
she only did such things in company when not exactly
herself)—and did prescribe medicines, and visit the fixed
stars, and disclose more wonders than the man in the great
moon-hoax ever saw; and, although Mr. John Smith, whom
all know, and deacon Goodman, and the Rev. Persuasive
Creditworthy, all testified to the unimpeachable character of
the illuminati, and all by acclamation voted the whole no
humbug—I remain a skeptic! and as to this subject, like
Gibbon on another, entrench myself behind the skeptic's
“impregnable barrier—suspicion.”
The fact is, I seemed so tickled and looked so stupid and
silly during the search after my developments, that the wise
man never discovered my doubting-organ—a real Mont
Blanc amidst my other pigmy cranial protuberances—for I
have felt it myself: hence I am a born doubter, even as
many are natural believers of these modern wonders; and
like them I merit neither praise nor blame for my propensity,
as I cannot help it.
Nor am I quite so unphilosophical as you hint; because,
in accordance with the Baconian rule, if I find one cause
sufficient to account for the phenomena, I am excused from
looking for others. But this cause I do find in man's perverse
love of imposition, whether in its active or passive
sense; for in certain matters men love no less to be deceived
than to deceive: and in such cases the deceivers and
deceived will, on the one side, scruple at no contrivance and
artifice, and, on the other, will yield readily to any specious
trickery. This holds, all the way from popish miracle down
to mormonism and mesmerism, including cures from galvanized
rings and watch-keys, and magnetized cough-drops,
and by water processes both hot and cold. At all events,
Charles, I find it easier to admit the belief of trickery than
to call absurdity and impossibility, truth: and so, if you will
call me incorrigible, I answer—feel my organ.
As to your reiterated argument that the brain is the special
seat and house of the soul, I doubt. If I believe at all
here, I rather incline to say with Professor Bush that “the
soul is not like a bird in a cage but water in a sponge.” In
this way, it is manifest that the soul can more conveniently
on some occasions be absorbed; although it is possible that
men of little souls have the article confined to the head.
Time was when qualities both moral and intellectual
were deemed resident in different quarters or parts of the
body, as for instance in the breast and bowels; and popular
opinion was then equally good authority and guide for systems
of mental and moral developments from exterior signs.
Nay, to this very hour we all speak of good hearts morally,
as of sound heads intellectually; and my own consciousness
persuades me, not infrequently, by certain motions and emotions
within my chest and parts adjacent, which movements
both precede and follow certain mental states, that my spiritual
part is as really present there, as in my head. This,
too, is countenanced by the popular mode of praising generous
men by naming them “all heart and soul”—“whole-souled
fellows”—and “fellows that feel all over.”
Hence, I do verily believe that a system of moral and
mental philosophy, indicated by external signs, may be constructed,
as ingenious, as honest, and equally popular, truth-like,
and successful as the reigning system. The new one
shall rest on the shape, size, tension, relaxation, flaccidity of
the chest, and the size of the breast, the palpitation of the
heart; and it shall set forth what food and exercise shall
have the proper tendency to the development of the signs,
and by consequence to the development of a good conscience,
and the largest charity. At first sight, the proposed system
is not a whit more worthy of contempt, than the old, which is
built on the shape of a skull, or the size of its swellings, or
the hardness and softness of the bone: and as to seeming
facts, the new would, in three months, outnumber the other
system.
Science would, perhaps, fumble for its data, even more
in the dark than it does now; but the great advantage would
arise that we should be delightfully tickled into the knowledge
of our virtues and—vices.
However, I must not get too deep, lest, being dubbed philosopher,
I lose the credit of obeying my natural bumps.
In my next, expect, Charles, some narrations showing the
influence of imagination; in which will be seen that the
truth in here at Kaleidaville, is strange as your fiction out
there at Somewhersburg.
