University of Virginia Library

A LITERARY SQUABBLE.

The Alphabet rejoiced to hear
That Monckton Milnes was made a Peer;
For in this present world of letters
But few, if any, are his betters:
So an address by acclamation,
They voted of congratulation,
And H, O, U, G, T, and N,
Were chosen the address to pen;
Possessing each an interest vital
In the new Peer's baronial title.
'Twas done in language terse and telling,
Perfect in grammar and in spelling:
But when 'twas read aloud, oh, mercy!
There sprang up such a controversy
About the true pronunciation,
Of said baronical appellation.
The vowels O and U averred
They were entitled to be heard;
The consonants denied their claim,
Insisting that they mute became.
Johnson and Walker were applied to,
Sheridan, Bailey, Webster, tried too;
But all in vain, for each picked out
A word that left the case in doubt.
O, looking round upon them all,
Cried, “If it be correct to call
T, H, R, O, U, G, H, ‘throo,’
H, O, U, G, H, must be ‘Hoo,’
Therefore, there can be no dispute on
The question—we should say ‘Lord Hooton,.’”
U “brought,” “bought,” “fought,” and “sought,” to show
He should be doubled and not O,
For sure if “ought,” was “awt,” then “nought” on
Earth could the title be but “Hawton.”
H, on the other hand, said he
In “cough,” and “trough,” stood next to G,
And like an F was thus looked soft on,
Which made him think it should be “Hofton.”
But G corrected H, and drew
Attention other cases to,
“Tough,” “rough,” and “chough,” more than “enough”
To prove O, U, G, H, spelt “uff,,”
And growled out in a sort of gruff tone,
They must pronounce the title “Huffton,”
N said emphatically “No!”
There is D, O, U, G, H, “doh,”
And though (look there again!) that stuff
At sea, for fun, they nicknamed “duff,”
They should propose they took a vote on
The question, “Should it not be Hoton?”
Besides in French, 'twould have such force,
A lord was of “Haut ton” of course.
Higher and higher contention rose,
From words they almost came to blows,
Till T, as yet who hadn't spoke,
And dearly loved a little joke,
Put in his word and said, “Look there!
‘Plough’ in this row must have its share.”
At this atrocious pun each page
Of Johnson whiter turned with rage;
Bailey looked desperately cut up,
And Sheridan completely shut up;
Webster, who is no idle talker,
Made a sign indicating “Walker!”
While Walker, who had been used badly,
Just shook his dirty dog's-ears sadly.
But as we find in prose or rhyme
A joke made happily in time,
However poor, will often tend
The hottest argument to end,
And smother anger in a laugh,
So T succeeded with his chaff
(Containing as it did some wheat)
In calming this fierce verbal heat.
Authorities were all conflicting,
And T there was no contradicting;
P, L, O, U, G, H, was plow,
Even “enough” was called “enow;”
And no one who preferred “enough”
Would dream of saying “Speed the Pluff!”
So they considered it more wise
With T to make a compromise,
And leave no loop to hang a doubt on
By giving three cheers for “Lord Hough{How}ton!”