University of Virginia Library

LINES

THERE WAS A FIRE WITHIN MY BRAIN!

There was a fire within my brain!
I did not mean to give thee pain.
I looked, I spoke—I know not what—
I loved, and felt—that thou did'st not;
And I was mad—perhaps was weak,
The consciousness is on my cheek
In blushes hot as molten lead,
And tears I blush as hot to shed.
God! that I could not hide my shame!
But needs must bare my heart of flame
To hearts so cold and minds so tame.
Aye think me weak, and smile with those
Who saw and jested with my woes.
Such still has been, such still must be
The doom, the meed of Misery,
When Misery permits the crowd
To guess the woe it strives to shroud.
That night indeed—it was not long—
I had no sense of right or wrong;
That night indeed—thank God 'tis past!
How could the reckless madness last
And I be breathing here!
Henceforth I shut within my breast
A ghastly and eternal guest—
Its deep and dark despair.
And thou and God alone shall know
The inextinguishable woe,
Intense, unmitigated pain
Which weighs on sense, and soul, and brain.
Oh, I will carry on my brow,
A smile like that thou wearest now,
As careless and as gay
As if this heart were brimmed with mirth—
And had no cares upon the earth
Which earth could not allay.
Yet if the smile I'll strive to wear,
Should sometimes wither to a sneer,
If what I look and what I say,
Have aught that's bitter in its play,
Forgive it and forget—
And think I speak not as I feel—
I would not pain, but must conceal
And cannot kill regret.
Aye think me weak, and yet—and yet—
What eyes have seen these eyelids wet,
Though I have wept as guilt might weep
When Hell reveals itself in sleep.