The three tours of Doctor Syntax In search of 1. The picturesque, 2. Of consolation, 3. Of a wife. The text complete. [By William Combe] With four illustrations |
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| I. |
| II. |
| III. |
| IV. | CANTO IV. |
| V. |
| VI. |
| VII. |
 | VIII. |
| IX. |
| X. |
| XI. |
| XII. |
| XIII. |
| XIV. |
| XV. |
| XVI. |
| XVII. |
| XVIII. |
| XIX. |
| XX. |
| XXI. |
| XXII. |
| XXIII. |
| XXIV. |
| XXV. |
| XXVI. |
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 | The three tours of Doctor Syntax |  |
CANTO IV.
Bless'd be the man, said he of yore
Who Quixote's lance and target bore!
Bless'd be the man who first taught sleep
Throughout our wearied frames to creep,
And kindly gave to human woes The oblivious mantle of repose!
Hail! balmy power! that canst repair
The constant waste of human care;
To the sad heart afford relief, And give a respite to its grief;
Canst calm, through night's composing hours,
The threat'ning storm that daily low'rs;
On the rude flint the wretched cheer, And to a smile transform the tear!
Who Quixote's lance and target bore!
Bless'd be the man who first taught sleep
Throughout our wearied frames to creep,
And kindly gave to human woes The oblivious mantle of repose!
Hail! balmy power! that canst repair
The constant waste of human care;
To the sad heart afford relief, And give a respite to its grief;
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The threat'ning storm that daily low'rs;
On the rude flint the wretched cheer, And to a smile transform the tear!
Thus wrapt in slumber Syntax lay— Forgot the troubles of the day;
So sound his sleep, so sweet his rest, By no disturbing dreams distrest;
That, all at ease, he lay entranc'd, Till the fair morn was far advanc'd.
At length the hostess thought it wrong
He should be left to sleep so long;
So bid the maid to let him know That breakfast was prepar'd below.
Betty then op'd the chamber door And tripping onwards 'cross the floor,
Undrew the curtains, one by one; When in a most ear-piercing tone,
Such as would grace the London cries, She told him it was time to rise.
The noise his peaceful slumbers broke;
He gave a snort or two—and 'woke.
Now, as the Doctor turn'd his head, Betty was court'sying by the bed:—
“What brought you here, fair maid, I pray?”
“To tell you, Sir, how wears the day;
And that it is my special care To get your Worship's morning fare.
The kettle boils, and I can boast No small renown for making toast.
There's coffee, Sir, and tea and meat, And surely you must want to eat;
For ten long hours have pass'd away Since down upon this bed you lay!”
The Doctor rubb'd his op'ning eyes,
Then stretch'd his arms, and 'gan to rise:
But Betty still demurely stands, To hear him utter his commands.
“Be gone,” he cried, “get something nice,
And I'll be with you in a trice.”
Behold him then, renew'd by rest,
His chin well shav'd, his peruke dress'd,
Conning with solemn air the news, His welcome breakfast to amuse,
And when the well-fed meal was o'er, Grizzle was order'd to the door:
Betty was also told to say, The mighty sum there was to pay:
Betty, obedient to his will, Her court'sy makes, and brings the bill.
Down the long page he cast his eye,
Then shook his head, and heav'd a sigh,
“What! am I doom'd, where'er I go, In all I meet to find a foe?
Where'er I wander to be cheated, To be bamboozled and ill-treated!”
Thus, as he read each item o'er, The hostess op'd the parlour door;
When Syntax 'rose in solemn state, And thus began the fierce debate.
Syntax.—
So sound his sleep, so sweet his rest, By no disturbing dreams distrest;
That, all at ease, he lay entranc'd, Till the fair morn was far advanc'd.
At length the hostess thought it wrong
He should be left to sleep so long;
So bid the maid to let him know That breakfast was prepar'd below.
Betty then op'd the chamber door And tripping onwards 'cross the floor,
Undrew the curtains, one by one; When in a most ear-piercing tone,
Such as would grace the London cries, She told him it was time to rise.
The noise his peaceful slumbers broke;
He gave a snort or two—and 'woke.
Now, as the Doctor turn'd his head, Betty was court'sying by the bed:—
“What brought you here, fair maid, I pray?”
“To tell you, Sir, how wears the day;
And that it is my special care To get your Worship's morning fare.
The kettle boils, and I can boast No small renown for making toast.
There's coffee, Sir, and tea and meat, And surely you must want to eat;
For ten long hours have pass'd away Since down upon this bed you lay!”
The Doctor rubb'd his op'ning eyes,
Then stretch'd his arms, and 'gan to rise:
But Betty still demurely stands, To hear him utter his commands.
“Be gone,” he cried, “get something nice,
And I'll be with you in a trice.”
Behold him then, renew'd by rest,
His chin well shav'd, his peruke dress'd,
Conning with solemn air the news, His welcome breakfast to amuse,
And when the well-fed meal was o'er, Grizzle was order'd to the door:
Betty was also told to say, The mighty sum there was to pay:
Betty, obedient to his will, Her court'sy makes, and brings the bill.
Down the long page he cast his eye,
Then shook his head, and heav'd a sigh,
“What! am I doom'd, where'er I go, In all I meet to find a foe?
Where'er I wander to be cheated, To be bamboozled and ill-treated!”
Thus, as he read each item o'er, The hostess op'd the parlour door;
When Syntax 'rose in solemn state, And thus began the fierce debate.
“Good woman; here, your bill retake,
And prithee, some abatement make;
I could not such demands afford, Were I a Bishop or a Lord:
And though I hold myself as good As any of my brotherhood,
Howe'er, by bounteous Fortune crown'd,
In wealth and honours they abound:
It is not in my power to pay Such long drawn bills as well as they.
The paper fills me with affright;— I surely do not read it right:
For at the bottom here, I see Th'enormous total—one pound, three!”
Hostess.—
“The charges all are fairly made;
If you will eat, I must be paid.
My bills have never found reproaches
From Lords and Ladies in their coaches.
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Is the first Inn throughout the town:
The best of gentry, ev'ry day, Become my guests and freely pay:
Besides, I took you in at night, Half-dead with hunger and affright,
Just 'scap'd from robbers.”
Syntax.—
------ “That's most true,”
And now I'm to be robb'd by you.”
Hostess.—
“Sir, you mistake; and did not I
Disdain rude words, I'd say—you lie.
I took you in last-night, I say.”
Syntax.—
“'Tis true;—and if this bill I pay
You'll take me in again to-day.”
Hostess.—
“I gave you all my choicest cheer,
The best of meat, the best of beer;
And then you snor'd yourself to rest In the best bed—I say the best.
You've had such tea as few can boast,
With a whole loaf turn'd into toast.”
Syntax.—
“And for your beef, and beer, and tea,
You kindly charge me—one pound three!”
Hostess.—
“'Tis cheap as dirt—for well I know
How things with country Curates go:
And I profess that I am loth To deal unkindly with the cloth:
Nay, oft and oft, as I'm a sinner, I've given hungry Clerks a dinner.”
Syntax.—
“And there's a proverb, as they say,
That for the Clerks the Parsons pay;
Which you, I trow, can well fulfil, Whene'er you make a Parson's bill.
Why one pound three, the truth I speak,
Would keep my household for a week.
Dear Mrs. Syntax, how she'd vapour
Where she to read this curious paper!”
Hostess.—
“If that's your living, on my life,
You starve your servants, and your wife.”
Syntax.—
“I wish my wife were here to meet you,
In your own fashion she would greet you:
With looks as fierce, and voice as shrill,
She'd make you, mistress, change your bill.”
Hostess.—
“Think you besides, there's nought to pay
For all your horse's corn and hay?
And ointments too, to cure the ail
Of her cropp'd ears and mangled tail?”
Syntax.—
“I wish the wight would bring the shears
Which dock'd that tail and cropp'd those ears,
And just exert the self-same skill To crop and dock your monstrous bill!
But, I'm in haste to get away, Though one pound three I will not pay:
So, if you'll take one one-half th'amount,
We'll quickly settle the account.
There is your money, do you see? And let us part in Charity.”
Hostess.—
“Well, as a charitable deed,
I'll e'en consent—so mount your steed,
And on your journey strait proceed:
But well you know, where'er you roam, That Charity begins at home.”
| The three tours of Doctor Syntax | |