University of Virginia Library

Once in a certain Family,
Where Idleness was disesteem'd;
For antient Hospitality,
Great Plenty, and Frugality,
'Bove others famous deem'd:
No useless Thing was kept for show,
Unless a Paraquete, or so;
Some poor Relation in an Age,
The Chaplain, or my Lady's Page:
All Creatures else about the House,
Were put to some convenient Use.
Nay, ev'n the Cook had learnt the knack,
With Curs, to save the Charge of Jack;
So train'd 'em to her purpose fit,
And made 'em earn each bit they eat.
Her ready Servants knew the Wheel,
Or stood in awe of Whip and Bell,
Each had his Task, and did it well:
Tho for their Labour well they sped,
They far'd like those were better bred,
No Chaplains cou'd be higher fed:
Fine season'd Dishes fit their Maws,
Swimming with curious sav'ry Sauce;
The Dripping-Pan, no Dainty was.
Plates heap'd with Fragments they devour,
The Footman just had lick'd before,
Wou'd make a Poor-man's Mouth run o'er.
High season'd Olio's, sav'ry Meats,
With many fine delicious Bits,
Became their daily Fare:
Sometimes a Capon's half-pick'd Rump,
At which a hungry Priest would jump,
Would happen to their Share:
Till full, and wanton, they'd retire,
And bask, and play before the chearful Fire.
One proling Cur, of little use,
That stragling went about the House,
Bark'd at the Door, a milking ran,
Lazy and proud, as any Serving-man:
Was good for nothing that I know,
But poor and saucy, like abundance more,
That still at Dinner-time would go,
And cringe, and hanker at the Kitchin Door.
And if the Cook but turn'd her back,
He'd many a sleeveless Errant make,
For Hunger, and his Belly's sake:
Tho, like a Thief, by stealth he came,
His Stomach could digest the Shame.
And thus he squeez'd himself one day,
In a submissive Fawning way,
He took occasion thus to say:
‘I wonder, Gentlemen, that you
‘This servile Life will undergo;
‘Your Ancestors were better bred,
‘In noble Sports their Lives they led,
‘And from their Master's Board were fed:
‘They brought home Game to load the Spit,
‘And ne'er to turn it would submit:
‘While you for Whips and Spurns must look,
‘At ev'ry Fart that wrings the Cook.
‘Tho, pardon me, so plain I speak,
‘I do it for our kindred sake.
‘'Tis true—You may do what you please;
‘But e'er I'd lead a Life so base,
‘(For I don't covet any Place)
‘I'd starve about the House in Peace.
This said—the Cook came in at last,
And seeing him amongst the rest,
She call'd him very gentle to'er,
And stroak'd the smooth submissive Cur:
Who soon was hush'd, forgot to rail,
He lick'd his Lips, and wag'd his Tail,
Was over-joy'd he shou'd prevail
Such Favour to obtain.
Among the rest he went to play,
Was put into the Wheel next day,
He Turn'd, and Eat as well as they,
And never Speech'd again.

Those Lords of deep reaches,
With popular Spheeches,
That dang'rous Chimæra's inveigh,
Were they put into Place
(As we judg is the Case)
Who'd sneak, or be tamer than they?
But since we incline
To thwart the Design,
And let 'em unheeded rail on;
His Lordship may speak
A fresh Speech ev'ry Week,
And take a fresh Wh*re ev'ry Moon.

There's none 'twill offend,
Tho he misses his End;
Or if his Pretensions are double:
He may humour the Mob
With another such Job,
There's some slight Amends for the Trouble.