Poems and Songs by Thomas Flatman. The Fourth Edition with many Additions and Amendments |
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A Character of a BELLY-GOD
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 | Poems and Songs |  |
152
A Character of a BELLY-GOD
Catius and Horace.Horace.
Whence Brother Case, and whither bound so fast?
Ca.
O, Sir, you must excuse me, I'm in hast,
I dine with my (Lord Mayor) and can't allow
Time for our eating Directory now:
Though I must needs confess, I think my Rules
Would prove Pythagoras and Plato Fools.
Hor.
Grave Sir, I must acknowledge, 'tis a crime
To interrupt at such a nick of time;
Yet stay a little Sir, it is no Sin;
You're to say Grace ere Dinner can begin;
Since you at food such Virtuoso are,
Some Precepts to an hungry Poet spare.
153
I grant you Sir, next pleasure ta'n in eating
Is that (as we do call it) of repeating;
I still have Kitchin Systems in my mind,
And from my Stomach's fumes a Brain well lin'd.
Hor.
Whence, pray Sir, learnt you those ingenuous Arts,
From one at home, or hir'd from foreign parts?
Ca.
No names Sir (I beseech you,) that's foul play,
We ne'r name Authors, only what they say.
1.
‘For Eggs chuse long, the round are out of fashion,‘Unsavoury and distasteful to the Nation:
‘E're since the brooding Rump, they're addle too,
‘In the long Egg lyes Cock a doodle-doo.
2.
‘Chuse Coleworts planted on a soil that's dry,‘Even they are worse for th' wetting (verily.)
3.
‘If Friend from far shall come to visit, then‘Say thou wouldst treat the Wight with mortal Hen,
‘Do n't thou forthwith pluck off the cackling head,
‘And impale Corps on Spit as soon as dead;
‘For so she will be tough beyond all measure,
‘And Friend shall make a trouble of a pleasure.
154
‘O then she'l eat most admirably tender.
4.
‘Mushromes that grow in meadows are the best;‘For ought I know, there's Poyson in the rest.
5.
‘He that would many happy Summers see,‘Let him eat Mulberries fresh off the Tree,
‘Gather'd before the Sun's too high, for these
‘Shall hurt his Stomach less than Cheshire Cheese.
6.
‘Aufidius (had you done so't had undon ye)‘Sweetned his morning's draughts of Sack with Honey;
‘But he did ill, to empty veins to give
‘Corroding Potion for a Lenitive.
7.
‘If any man to drink do thee inveigle in,‘First wet thy whistle with some good Metheglin.
8.
‘If thou art bound, and in continual doubt,‘Thou shalt get in no more till some get out,
‘The Muscle or the Cockle will unlock
‘Thy Bodies trunk, and give a vent to nock.
‘Some say that Sorrel steept in Wine will do
‘But to be sure, put in some Aloes too.
155
9.
‘All shell-fish (with the growing Moon increast)‘Are ever, when she fills her Orb, the best:
‘But for brave Oysters, Sir, exceeding rare,
‘They are not to be met with every where.
‘Your Wain-fleet Oysters no man will prefer
‘Before the juicy Grass-green Colchester.
‘Hungerford Crawfish, match me, if you can,
‘There's no such Crawlers in the Ocean.
10.
‘Next for your Suppers, you (it may be think)‘There go's no more to't, but just eat and drink;
‘But let me tell you Sir, and tell you plain,
‘To dress 'em well requires a man of brain:
‘His Palate must be quick, and smart, and strong,
‘For Sauce, a very Critick in the Tongue.
11.
‘He that pays dear for Fish, nay though the best,‘May please his Fishmonger, more than his Guest,
‘If he be ignorant what sawce is proper,
‘There's Machiavel in th' Menage of a Supper.
12.
‘For Swines-flesh, give me that of the Wild Boar,‘Pursu'd and hunted all the Forrest o're;
156
‘And when he finds no Acorns, grunts at Jove.
‘The Hampshire Hog with Pease & Whey that's fed
‘Sty'd up, is neither good alive nor dead.
13.
‘The tendrels of the Vine are Sallads good,‘If when they are in season understood.
14.
‘If Servants to thy Board a Rabbet bring,‘Be wise, and in the first place carve a Wing.
15.
‘When Fish and Fowl are right, and at just age,‘A Feeders curiosity t' asswage,
‘If any ask, who found the Mystery?
‘Let him enquire no further, I am he.
16.
‘Some fancy Bread out of the Oven hot:‘Variety's the Glutton's happiest lot.
17.
‘It's not enough the wine you have be pure,‘But of your Oyl as well you ought be sure.
18.
‘If any fault be in the generous Wine,‘Set it abroad all night, and 'twill refine,
‘But never strein't, nor let it pass through Linen,
‘Wine will be worse for that, as well as Women.
157
19.
‘The Vintner that of Malaga and Sherry‘With damn'd ingredients patcheth up Canary,
‘With segregative things, as Pigeons eggs,
‘Strait purifies, and takes away the dregs.
20.
‘An o're-charg'd Stomach roasted shrimps will ease,‘The Cure by Lettuce is worse than the Disease.
21.
‘To quicken Appetite it will behove ye‘To feed couragiously on good Anchovie.
22
‘Westphalia Ham, and the Bolognia Sawsage,‘For second or third course will clear a passage,
‘But Lettuce after Meals! fie on't, the Glutton
‘Had better feed upon Ram-ally-Mutton.
23.
‘Twere worth one's while in Palace or in Cottage,‘Right well to know the sundry sorts of Pottage;
‘There is your French Pottage, Nativity broth,
‘Yet that of Fetter-lane exceeds them both;
‘About a limb of a departed Tup
‘There may you see the green herbs boyling up,
158
‘Resembling Whale-Oyl in a Greenland Boat.
24.
‘The Kentish Pippin's best, I dare be bold,‘That ever Blew-Cap Costard-monger sold.
25.
‘Of Grapes, I like the Raisins of the Sun.‘I was the First immortal Glory won,
‘By mincing Pickled Herrings, with these Raisin
‘And Apples; 'Twas I set the world a gazing,
‘When once they tasted of this Hogan Fish,
‘Pepper and Salt enamelling the Dish.
26.
‘'Tis ill to purchase great Fish with great matter,‘And then to serve it up in scanty Platter;
‘Nor is it less unseemly some believe,
‘From Boy with greasie fist drink to receive,
‘But the Cup foul within's enough to make
‘A squeamish creature puke and turn up stomach.
27.
‘Then Brooms and Napkins and the Flanders Tyle,‘These must be had too, or the Feast you spoil,
156
‘And yet how much they cost one in a year!
28.
‘Would'st thou rub Alabaster with hands sable,‘Or spread a Diaper Cloth on dirty Table?
‘More cost, more worship: Come: be a la mode
‘Embellish Treat, as thou would do an Ode.
O learned Sir, how greedily I hear
This elegant Diatriba of good chear!
Now by' all that's good, by all provant you love,
By sturdy Chine of Beef, and mighty Jove;
I do conjure thy gravity, let me see
The man that made thee this Discovery;
For he that sees th' Original's more happy
Than him that draws by an ill-favour'd Copy,
O bring me to the man, I so admire!
The Flint from whence brake forth these sparks of fire,
What satisfaction would the Vision bring?
If sweet the stream, much sweeter is the spring.
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