Once Upon a Time there were Two Kings | ||
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ACT I.
Scene First.
—The Port of Rantipolis, the Capital City of the Kingdom of Rumantica—Periwigulus, King of Rumantica, Courtiers, Guards, and Populace discovered.Enter Perfidius, who advances and kneels to the King.
Per.
Hail, Periwigulus! Brave news I bring!
Prince Brutus greets Rumantica's great King.
King.
Thou comest from the Isles of Peace, which are,
In these disjointed times, the seat of war.
Per.
The war is ended; up the tyrant blown;
His crown is crack'd; his throne is overthrown.
Prince Brutus fell on him without more fuss,
And, to conclude, the victory fell on us.
King.
Great news! for bringing which this chain receive;
Upon the quay we're all on the qui vive.
When may we hope to see our son?
Per.
Before
The sun you see goes down he'll be ashore.
(gun fires at a distance)
King.
That signal!
Enter an Officer.
Officer.
Sire, the royal fleet's in sight!
King.
Run to the ramparts—bid as quick as light
The cannonier to fire the cannon there;
And let the cannon bid the trumpet blare;
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The kettle to the ophicleide without;
The ophicleide inform the fifes and drums
That they should play “the conquering hero comes.”
Music—The Fleet is seen approaching the port—cannon, shouts. The barge of Prince Brutus appears, steps are placed, and the Prince lands with his Suite.
King.
Welcome! thrice welcome! our victorious son,
Who for his father a new crown hath won.
Prince.
Father, you go much farther than is fair;
The crown I've won I mean myself to wear.
King.
How?
Prince.
On my head! how else d'ye think I'd wear it?
King.
Ha! have a care! don't joke, for I can't bear it!
I am a King who stands no nonsense! none!
So don't attempt upon my words to pun,
Or you will find you're one of those rash fools
Who cut their fingers jesting with edged tools.
Prince.
(aside)
So sharp with me! I'll soon be blunt with you,
And make you cut, and in a hurry, too.
Music—Princess Carpillona and Dandelina are conducted as prisoners from the galley.
King.
Who's yon fair foreigner?
Prince.
A captive maid,
Whom I made captive, and am much afraid
That she's returned the compliment—for oh,
I feel all over—somehow—I don't know!
King.
A prisoner possessed of such great charms
Is very dangerous to take—in arms.
Prince.
Soon, as my wife, I'll take her, sir, in mine.
King.
Thy wife! then comes she of a royal line?
Prince.
She is a princess, distantly related
To the usurper I have spifflicated;
And who deposed her father years ago,
King Placid, called the Easy.
King.
Say you so?
Humph! then, if she consent, we do approve.
Prince.
If she consent! She'd better, or, by Jove—
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Swear'st thou? Irreverent boy! Peace! thou hadst best.
The licence of thy tongue must be suppressed.
I shall consult the lady's pleasure first.
Prince.
(aside)
If I don't soon boil over I shall burst!
King.
Approach, fair Princess, and dismiss your fear;
Say, can you love our son, Prince Brutus, here?
Princess.
Love Brutus!
King.
Well enough to wed him?
Princess.
I?
King.
Many would jump to do so.
Princess.
Jump! oh, my!
Rather than marry Brutus bid me jump
From off yon tower, into the ocean plump;
Or walk through Smithfield on a market morn,
And take the air upon a bullock's horn;
Or print a kiss on the unmuzzled mug
Of the black bear, that ate the lady's pug;
Or the big boa constrictor's cage inhabit,
Who took a blanket for a large Welsh rabbit;
Or in a bone-yard with some knacker dwell,
And madly play upon the bones, like Pell!
Things that to hear them told have made me freeze—
And I'll much sooner do it, if you please.
King.
As far as maiden delicacy may
Permit a timid maid her mind to say,
I think, from what she hints, we can discern
Your passion does not meet with much return.
Prince.
My passion!—oh, my passion she shall feel!
Slave! on your marrow-bones for mercy kneel!
King.
She shall not kneel to thee!—thy slave!—how thine?
The army thou hast conquered with is mine!
Thou art my officer—my servant—son;
And all is mine that's in my service won.
Therefore my slave this beauteous maid must be,
And I at once make free to make her free!
You're your own mistress, and need fear no master!
Princess.
O, sire! to you I feel I'm bound but faster.
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(aside)
My prisoner, too! With fury how I frizzle!
Out of his prey the tiger who would chizzle,
The tiger up may chop!
King.
What's that you mutter?
Mind how you quarrel with your bread and butter.
My will is law!—to cross it have a care,
Or, in my rage, I may cut off my heir
With less e'en than the fifth part of a crown;
So gulp your luckless passion quickly down,
And henceforth love this maid but as a brother.
Prince.
(aside)
Wouldn't this make a Quaker kick his mother?
King.
(to Princess)
We have not yet heard what thy name is, dear one.
Princess.
My name is Carpillona.
King.
What a queer one!
Princess.
What's in a name? Yours, sir, is Periwigulus,
But can that make you any more ridiculous?
King.
Certainly not! (aside)
As wise as she is fair!
If I were not turned eighty, I declare
I'd offer her my hand; but at my age,
To offer her my arm will be more sage.
(aloud)
Come, Princess, to our palace; you shall be
Our guest—your most obedient servant we.
Princess.
I have a most obedient servant here—
My faithful nurse and foster-mother dear.
To follow me will you give her the freedom?
King.
Bring fifty nurses with you if you need 'em!
Son Brutus, bear what we have said in mind,
Or at our death we'll leave thee but—behind.
March—Exeunt King, Princess, Dandelina, and Attendants.
Prince.
I'll make all right before I'm left behind!
The time is apt this business up to wind,
And set up for myself against my father.
Perfidius!
Per.
Prince, you appear ruffled!
Prince.
Rather!
Harkye, the King, my governor, must lay down
This very night the burden of his crown.
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He always does, sir, when he goes to bed,
And puts a nightcap on his royal head.
Prince.
Don't to misunderstand my words pretend.
Perfidius, I consider you my friend;
You must give me a hand that crown to gain.
Per.
His Majesty has, with this golden chain,
Attached me to him, before all beholders!
It would lay double guilt upon my shoulders,
And dye me of the deepest black ingratitude,
If I assumed to him a hostile attitude.
Prince.
Serve me, and I will pay thee for thy pains,
When I am king, by loading thee with chains;
About our person thou shalt have the head post,
Choose which thou wilt—the lamp-post, door-post, bed-post!
First favourite, we'll upon thee put the pot,
And make thee our Great Grand High Lord—knows what.
Per.
Upon your honour?
Prince.
Bright as pewter platter!
Per.
That puts a different colour on the matter.
The black ingratitude it softens down;
I only do one benefactor brown
To give the royal purple to a greater;
To pause, were to myself to be a traitor.
I'm yours, sir! body, soul, and—pantaloons.
Prince.
Go, sound the troops, then—horse, foot, and dragoons;
Offer them double pay and treble rations!
Placard the town with flaming proclamations!
Spare not for promises, by bushels make 'em,
When we are king, 'tis time enough to break 'em.
Duet—Brutus and Perfidius—“Pop goes the Weasel.”
Per.
Promise I'll on promise heap,
Easy 'tis to make 'em—
Prince.
When the time arrives to keep,
Easier still to break 'em.
Per.
“First catch your hare”—for that your tools
Amuse with hopes of fees well;
Prince.
But, having caught it, let the fools
Asleep catch a weasel!
Prince.
Father's reigned quite long enough,
Mizzle now I'll make him—
Per.
He's a king who us will huff,
If we do not take him.
Prince.
He fancies he's uncommonly keen,
A bargain he would me sell;
But when he thinks it's “all serene,”
Pop goes the weasel!
(Exeunt Prince and Perfidius)
Per.
Promise I'll on promise heap,
Easy 'tis to make 'em—
Prince.
When the time arrives to keep,
Easier still to break 'em.
Per.
“First catch your hare”—for that your tools
Amuse with hopes of fees well;
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But, having caught it, let the fools
Asleep catch a weasel!
Prince.
Father's reigned quite long enough,
Mizzle now I'll make him—
Per.
He's a king who us will huff,
If we do not take him.
Prince.
He fancies he's uncommonly keen,
A bargain he would me sell;
But when he thinks it's “all serene,”
Pop goes the weasel!
Scene Second.
—Interior of a Pavilion in the Royal Gardens—Pages enter and place a regal chair at back.Enter King and Princess Carpillona, attended.
King.
Sweet Carpillona—while our Court you grace,
This poor pavilion we are proud to place
At your disposal; call for what you please,
My pages shall all serve you on their knees.
To you I turn them over.
Princess.
Can it be?
Turn over all your pages, sir, to me!
I couldn't have a title to for ages,
The dedication of so many pages.
King.
I've told the cook to serve up a collation,
Would make the Lord Mayor lick the Corporation.
Princess.
A dinner far surpassing my desert.
King.
If you don't take it, I shall feel quite hurt.
Princess.
How have I merited so much affection?
King.
Your features bring back to my recollection
A spouse I loved—a child I lost.
Princess.
Ah me!
A daughter?
King.
No, a son.
Princess.
Then I'm not he!
No matter—pray proceed as you've begun,
Tell me the story of your wife and son.
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I will, although my sorrow it revives.
I was the husband of two lovely wives.
Princess.
Two at a time!
King.
No, one after the other.
My first Queen of Prince Brutus was the mother.
My second bore me a most beauteous boy.
But short—
Princess.
The child?
King.
No; short the mother's joy.
Stolen, while she slumbered, from her fond embrace,
Some demon put a cat in the child's place!
She bit the Queen, and on that fatal night
She died—
Princess.
The cat?
King.
The Queen, of the cat's bite!
Princess.
Was e'er catastrophe to equal that?
King.
We hunted for the child—
Princess.
And hanged the cat?
King.
Of course! but never found it to this day!
Princess.
The cat you hanged?
King.
The child they stole away.
Princess.
Take comfort, then, perhaps 'tis living still.
King.
In that fond hope, though faint, I've made my will.
Should he turn up—
Princess.
He's safe to be a trump!
And out of joint put his half brother's—hump.
King.
Half-brothers! they must halve my kingdom too!
Princess.
Will two half sovereigns be full change for you?
King.
If both be good.
Princess.
But should one be a bad one?
King.
If't comes to pass, the pass will be a sad one—
Shouts, crash, uproar, without.
Princess.
Hark! what is passing now! By all that crashing,
I fear already there's a case of smashing!
Enter Officer.
Officer.
My liege, they cry “to arms!” and some queer blades
Are blocking up the streets with barricades!
We shall not know the city in a minute,
They're making such a revolution in it!
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A revolution! Oh, the fact's too plain!
The son is breaking out before the reign
Is over of his father—though so near up,
He couldn't wait with decency to clear up;
But I will prove myself a brave old fellow,
And brave this tempest—without an umbrella!
Enter Prince Brutus and others, armed with blunderbusses, &c.
King.
Unnatural son! for natural thou wert ne'er!
Dost thou so hunger for our empty chair
That thou would turn us out when, turned fourscore,
Time has so nearly wheeled it to death's door?
Prince.
Why should you look upon with such alarms
A son who comes to you with open arms?
King.
O, stab me with thy weapons, not thy puns.
These arms of thine befit but sons of guns!
Why do they threaten here a parent's life?
Prince.
Because you've seized your heir apparent's wife.
Give up my slave, and the new crown I've won,
And you may keep your old one.
King.
May I? done!
Princess.
Done! Did you say done? Oh, then, I'm done too!
King.
I couldn't help it! How could I? could you?
Princess.
And will you give me up to that great brute?
King.
(corrects her)
Brut-us.
Princess.
Without “us!”
King.
With us don't dispute!
The bargain's struck; be a good child, don't fret;
As the bard says, “We may be happy yet.”
Prince.
Well! Is that foolish girl still contumacious?
King.
Quite the contrary.
Princess.
(aside)
Oh, my goodness gracious!
Prince.
Oho! she's to her senses come at last!
Then we'll be generous and forgive the past.
Let her prepare forthwith to be our bride,
To-morrow shall the nuptial knot be tied!
Princess.
(aside)
The nuptial knot be tied! O Fate, than what
Worse can betide me if the nuptial's not?
March—Exeunt King, Prince, and all but Princess.
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Princess.
My faithful nurse! my dear old foster-mother,
Now we're at last alone with one another.
Take thou that easy chair, while I sit here
And pour my sorrows in thy friendly ear.
Dan.
Alack, my child, while those sad tears I see
No chair can be an easy one to me.
Music—She seats herself—The chair turns round, Dandelina disappears, and in her place is seen the Fairy Amazona, dressed precisely like Dandelina.
Fairy.
(aside)
I'll take your place, then—turn about's fair play;
I grieve to turn so good a nurse away!
But I've turned nurse; for, a good turn to do,
There's nothing a good fairy won't turn to.
(aloud and imitating Dandelina's voice)
Speak, child, I'm listening.
Princess.
(sitting)
I can't for crying!
Fairy.
Things look a little black, there's no denying,
But when they're at the worst perhaps they'll mend.
Princess.
But what, alas, will be the worst, dear friend?
Before I'll be the wife of Brutus made,
I'll to my bosom take this truer blade!
(drawing dagger)
Fairy.
That point is one I trust you'll never press.
Princess.
Then shew me some way out of this sad mess.
Fairy.
I will. There's one!
Music—The scene opens and shews
Scene Third.
—The Brink of a Precipice—Moonlight—The entrance to a Pine Forest—A large bank.Princess.
(as the scene opens)
The parting walls recede!
“Where there's your will there is a way” indeed.
What may this mean? are you a fairy, nurse?
Or, mercy on me! are you something worse?
Fairy.
(appearing in a brilliant Amazonian costume)
Fear not! I'm not your nurse, fair Carpillona,
But a true friend—the Fairy Amazona.
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On hostile eyes it has such magic powers,
The Prince you fear would not know you from Adam,
Or, more correctly, Eve.
Princess.
But oh, dear madam,
You will not leave me here? for still I think
I stand upon a precipice's brink!
Fairy.
You do, I own; but hold fast that bouquet;
'Twill guard and guide you safely on your way
Through yonder forest to the verdant meads,
In which his flocks the sage Sublimus feeds.
Go, look him up! and tell the dear old codger
You've come to be a boarder and a lodger;
Mention my name and he'll at once believe you,
And with his wife, like their own child receive you.
Air—Amazona—“Cheer, boys, cheer.”
'Twill guard and guide you safely on your way
Through yonder forest to the verdant meads,
In which his flocks the sage Sublimus feeds.
Go, look him up! and tell the dear old codger
You've come to be a boarder and a lodger;
Mention my name and he'll at once believe you,
And with his wife, like their own child receive you.
Cheer, child, cheer! those magic flowers retaining,
Fearless the dark and tangled forest roam;
Cheer, child, cheer! the verdant valley gaining!
There you'll find friends out as well as at home.
Should hostile eyes behold you on your journey,
Press that bouquet, culled by a cunning elf,
Its power will, like a power of attorney,
Save you the trouble of appearing yourself.
Cheer, child, cheer, &c.
(Exit Fairy)
Fearless the dark and tangled forest roam;
Cheer, child, cheer! the verdant valley gaining!
There you'll find friends out as well as at home.
Should hostile eyes behold you on your journey,
Press that bouquet, culled by a cunning elf,
Its power will, like a power of attorney,
Save you the trouble of appearing yourself.
Cheer, child, cheer, &c.
Princess.
So strange does everything around me seem,
I can't help fancying I'm in a dream.
But if my way lie through yon forest deep,
I'd best be walking through it in my sleep.
If fays speak truth I needn't care a rush
For any beast that may be in the bush.
I bear a charm that parry an attack would
Of the most savage article in Blackwood.
Air—Carpillona—“The Heather Bell.”
I can't help fancying I'm in a dream.
But if my way lie through yon forest deep,
I'd best be walking through it in my sleep.
If fays speak truth I needn't care a rush
For any beast that may be in the bush.
I bear a charm that parry an attack would
Of the most savage article in Blackwood.
I'm free to wander o'er the hill,
To pass the forest through I'm free;
To go, in short, just where I will,
I feel myself at liberty.
A cottage home I go to share,
And through the wood my way I'll wind;
I needn't fear a boar or bear,
Or any creature of that kind!
So with a merry mountain lay,
I'll to the verdant valley go;
Like Cockney out for holiday—
Beyond the sound of bells of Bow!
To pass the forest through I'm free;
To go, in short, just where I will,
I feel myself at liberty.
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And through the wood my way I'll wind;
I needn't fear a boar or bear,
Or any creature of that kind!
So with a merry mountain lay,
I'll to the verdant valley go;
Like Cockney out for holiday—
Beyond the sound of bells of Bow!
Happy go lucky! I'll take wing,
E'en while no pinions me can stay;
Nor anxious watch, lest some one spring
On me in some uncivil way.
These flowers were plucked by fairy stream,
And will so change my face and form,
That greater pluck from them I seem
To pluck to face the coming storm!
So with a merry, &c.
E'en while no pinions me can stay;
Nor anxious watch, lest some one spring
On me in some uncivil way.
These flowers were plucked by fairy stream,
And will so change my face and form,
That greater pluck from them I seem
To pluck to face the coming storm!
So with a merry, &c.
Prince.
(without)
This way; I spied a petticoat, I swear!
Princess.
O mercy! worse than any boar or bear,
Fierce Brutus comes! Oh, now or never, gilliflowers,
Save me, and prove you're not a bunch of silly flowers.
Music—Her dress changes to that of a peasant—Part of the bank changes to a Cow—a milking pail and stool rise near her.
Enter Prince Brutus, Perfidius, and Soldiers.
Prince.
Here she is!—no, she isn't! Naught, I vow,
But an old country woman and her cow.
Princess.
(aside)
Old! My kind nosegay, then, has worked a wonder—
I'll take the hint.
Prince.
What a confounded blunder!
Harkye! old Bess of Bedlam! Have you seen
A Princess pass this way?
(she curtsies to him several times but doesn't answer)
Speak! what d'ye mean
By all that bobbing? Find your tongue and wag
That, or I'll find and tear it out, vile hag!
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Good, noble gentleman, your pardon, pray!
But I can't hear a single word you say.
I am stone deaf.
Prince.
Deaf! hang the stupid dunny!
Per.
Yes, let us—on this tree.
Prince.
It would be funny;
But I've no time to stop and see her sprawl.
Per.
Suppose we send her rolling like a ball
Down yonder precipice?
Prince.
Still more amusing,
But in the meantime I should risk the losing
All chance of catching this ungrateful rover.
Per.
'Twon't take a minute, sir, to lift her over
That bit of rock.
Prince.
Then lift her, and be swift.
Princess.
Colly, my cow, just give that calf a lift.
Music—As Perfidius attempts to seize Princess the Cow tosses him over the rock—Thunder and lightning—Prince Brutus and party fly in terror—Princess runs into the wood, Cow sinks, and scene changes to
Scene Fourth.
—The Verdant Valley—On one side the cottage ornée of Sublimus—A brook runs along the centre, in which Chloe and Phillis are fishing.Chloe.
I think we've well performed our morning task, it
Has furnished us of fish a pretty basket.
If I'd not managed so many to settle,
There might have been, of fish, a pretty kettle.
Air—Chloe—“La Donna è mobile.”
Has furnished us of fish a pretty basket.
If I'd not managed so many to settle,
There might have been, of fish, a pretty kettle.
Here to the melody
Of Signor Verdi,
So often heard I—
Fish under hedges,
And sometimes all the day
Without a nibble,
Hear dribble, dribble,
The brook through the sedges;
And see the little
Perch, dace, and tittle-
—Bats come and twittle
About their trails there.
Pleasures so innocent,
Who would be changing
For the bush-ranging,
Washing and dishing?
Of those, love of Tin has sent
Rambling creation
On speculation,
In nugget gold-fishing,
Where dirty diggers
Toiling like niggers,
Who fail to cut figures,
Cut throats in despair.
Of Signor Verdi,
So often heard I—
Fish under hedges,
And sometimes all the day
Without a nibble,
Hear dribble, dribble,
The brook through the sedges;
And see the little
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—Bats come and twittle
About their trails there.
Pleasures so innocent,
Who would be changing
For the bush-ranging,
Washing and dishing?
Of those, love of Tin has sent
Rambling creation
On speculation,
In nugget gold-fishing,
Where dirty diggers
Toiling like niggers,
Who fail to cut figures,
Cut throats in despair.
Enter Sublimus.
Sub.
Girls, where's your mother?
Pastora sings without “Under the Greenwood Tree.”
Chloe.
Coming at a wish.
Sub.
She is—and all alive O! like your fish.
Enter Pastora from cottage.
Sub.
Now, my co-partners, in this blest retreat,
Hath not old custom made this life more sweet
Than t'other? Don't it beat, for sport and use,
The royal game, as it is called, of goose?
Pas.
I wouldn't change it. Happy is your grace.
Can snap your royal fingers in the face
Of fickle Fortune in so sweet a style.
Sub.
See! I have nearly made this basket while
Our daughters here are catching fish for dinner.
Pas.
And I have been a most industrious spinner;
So hand me over all the fish you can,
And I'll go fry 'em in the frying pan.
Sub.
Ennobling sight! upon a Queen to look
Who from her throne can thus come down to cook!
Pas.
Example bright! to see a King forsaking
The craft of Courts for that of basket-making.
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Not to say anything of two Princesses
Catching the fish their royal mother dresses!
Sub.
What has become of Corin, by-the-bye?
Pas.
He's found, perhaps, some other fish to fry.
Sub.
He has been absent longer than he ought.
Pas.
He's absent, probably, from want of thought.
Sub.
I don't know what's come to the boy of late.
Pas.
What he'll come to it's hard to calculate.
Sub.
He won't be quiet in the verdant valley,
But out of bounds the silly youth will sally
Into the wild woods, against brutes much wilder
Drawing his bow.
Pas.
I wish he'd draw it milder.
Sub.
Well, thank the stars! he never draws the long one!
He's truth itself! and that praise is a strong one.
Phil.
He comes!
Chloe.
No! some young woman, I declare!
Sub.
What a fair stranger!
Pas.
What a strange affair.
Enter Princess, as a peasant girl.
Princess.
Pray pardon this intrusion, but I'm told
This is “the Verdant Valley.”
Pas.
To behold
This scene and doubt it, child, would prove that you
Are what the vulgar would call verdant too.
Princess.
Another question, then, to ask I'm bound—
Where is an ancient shepherd to be found
They call Sublimus?
Sub.
That's what they call me—
My wife, my daughters, and my house you see.
Princess.
You, sir, a shepherd! and those ladies fair
Your wife and daughters—all so rich and rare!
I should have thought you gentlefolks!
Pas.
My dear,
All things and folks are gentle you see here.
Lo, here the gentle lark, with gentle lay,
Gently salutes the gentle dawn of day;
The gentle shepherd with his gentle fair
Here tend their gentle flocks with gentle care,
Or gently stray among the gentle trees,
'Mid gentle flowers that woo the gentle breeze.
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To be ungentle would be ungenteel.
Princess.
“Com' è gentil!”—such exquisite gentility
Induces me to say, with all humility,
That, if you please, I'm come to board and lodge here.
Sub.
The deuce you are! (aside)
She comes some artful dodge here.
Pas.
And pray by whom, miss, are you recommended?
Princess.
A dame by whom I have been much befriended,
The Fairy Amazona.
Sub.
Amazona!
As our friend, also, we are proud to own her,
And place full confidence in her discretion.
Pas.
What is your name, young woman, and profession?
Princess.
My name is Carpillona. I profess
Nothing at all.
Pas.
Then you'll perform no less.
I'm not displeased to light upon one such—
Young people now-a-days profess so much.
Chloe.
Then you can't brew or bake?
Phil.
Or spin or churn?
Princess.
No; but I shall be very glad to learn.
Sub.
She can't speak fairer—nor more fair appear,
And so, fair maid, you're fairly welcome here.
We'll teach you to tend sheep—
Chloe.
For fish to angle—
Phil.
Milk cows, feed chickens—
Pas.
Cook, and wash, and mangle.
And not to sell your mangle, mind, to pay
For a piano you're not born to play.
Oh, there be misses, I have here and there heard,
Play in a style that quite out Erard's Erard.
Pray you avoid it—
Chloe.
Corin comes.
Sub.
At last!
Phil.
How fast he runs!
Pas.
I fear he'll get too fast!
Music—Enter Corin, with a young roe on his shoulders.
Sub.
Why, Corin! What a heat the boy is in!
Sirrah, where have you all the morning been?
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Hunting.
Pas.
(crosses)
What's that you've on your shoulder got?
Cor.
A roe, that with an arrow I have shot—
I know my father is so fond of venison.
Sub.
Such pious care demands a father's benison!
Chloe.
Here's a young person come with us to live.
(introducing Princess)
Cor.
(starting)
Oh, murder!
All.
(but Princess)
What's the matter?
Cor.
Pray forgive
The sudden transport—something went right through
My heart—
Princess.
(aside)
And something went right through mine, too.
Pas.
You've got the rheumatism, I've no doubt,
Rambling those nasty cold damp rocks about.
I've known a pic-nic in such horrid chasms
Give the whole party an attack of spasms;
Of course they laid it to the lobster salad,
But I am certain when, in book or ballad,
You authors praise such spots in words ecstatic,
That for romantic we should read rheumatic.
Princess.
(aside)
If mine of rheumatism was a touch,
I don't think I should mind it very much.
Cor.
(aside)
Whate'er the pain, I caught it from that face,
And feel 'tis like to be a chronic case.
Princess.
(aside)
Though of young noblemen I've seen so many,
This noble young man's handsomer than any.
Cor.
(aside)
Take all the black and blue eyed beauties round,
She'd beat 'em black and blue, I'd bet a pound!
Pas.
But, bless me, I've been talking, and forgot
I'd never put the dumplings in the pot!
And here's the fish to fry, the cloth to lay.
Come, help me, girls, or we shan't dine to-day.
And, Corin, mind, now, if you feel that pain
About the region of your heart again,
I've got some opodeldoc, and desire
You'll rub your side with it before the fire;
If that will not at once the mischief master,
I shall insist upon a mustard plaster.
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Pas.
If once it gets into your bones,
With a rubdum rum rheumatic kino,
It grinds 'em worse than grinding stones,
With a rubdum rum rheumatic kino.
Prin., Cor., Sub.
Sad disaster! Mustard plaster!
Won't do much good, I know!
All.
The cloth go/come and lay,
Or we shan't dine to-day.
With a rubdum Kitty Katty Kino,
Kitty Katty, Kitty Katty Kino!
Exeunt Pastora, Chloe, Phillis, and Princess, into cottage.
Cor.
(aside)
A mustard plaster! Oh my heart! I vow
Something much hotter's drawing it just now
Towards that rustic beauty! Sir, pray who
Is our new lodger?
Sub.
Sir, what's that to you?
Cor.
I beg your pardon, sir, if I'm to blame,
I simply wished to know the lady's name!
Sub.
'Tis Carpillona—so upon that score
Pray don't be simply wishing any more,
Cor.
(aside)
Oh, Carpillona! I am a gone 'coon!
You are the medicine, I am but the spoon!
(Exit)
Sub.
Humph! If my Latin I've not quite lived out,
I think old Ovid something says about
A pain that very difficult to curb is,
And “Nullis medicabilis est herbis.”
That's his disease, and one that 'twould be curst hard
To cure with opodeldoc or with mustard.
Rubbing his side won't touch the peccant part;
'Tis a confirmed affection of the heart.
And young miss seems as poorly as young mister;
“Aye, there's the rub,” and a perpetual blister
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The boy is only my adopted son;
And if I suffered him this girl to wed,
I might bring—heaven knows what upon my head.
Well, as they both were sent by the same fairy,
She's bound to get us out of this quandary;
So I'll write to her by next magic post.
Re-enter Pastora from house.
Well, is the dinner ready, wife?
Pas.
Almost—
But I've to shew you such a curious thing;
That strange young woman's given me a ring
To buy her better clothes—such as we wear.
And I suspect her habits need repair;
For I'm afraid, and so I think will you be,
She couldn't honestly come by this ruby.
(shews a ring)
Sub.
This ruby! Bless my stars! can such things be?
Pas.
Can you cast any light on what you see?
Sub.
You make me stare, to think, by any light,
That you can on this ruby cast your sight,
And keep the natural ruby of your cheeks,
While mine are blanched like almonds!
Pas.
What wild freaks
Are these, sir? Blanched like almonds! For what reasons?
Here we are out of reach of plots and treasons;
When all is done, you look but on a ring.
Sub.
Look in it, madam! when I touch this spring,
Up, you perceive, the jewel flies, and shews—
Pas.
A miniature!—ah! sure one knows that nose.
Sub.
'Tis mine—so were those curls ere sorrow brought
My gray hairs to a wig!—too dearly bought
At such a price! And oh, my precious eyes!
In them again I feel the waters rise.
Pas.
I too!—for oh, if mine believe I may,
This ring you gave me on our wedding day!
And round the neck 'twas fastened of our daughter,
When the poor infant perished in the water!
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How came that strange young woman by a jewel
Which conjures up such recollections cruel?
Pas.
She says she found it.
Sub.
She must all declare—
Enter Princess from cottage.
Pas.
She comes; we'll make her tell us when and where.
Duet—Pastora and Sublimus—“Oh, tell me when, and tell me where.”
Oh, tell me when, and tell me where
You found this ruby ring so rare,
Or into trouble this affair
Is likely you to bring;
For it has given us both a shock,
To think a girl, in such a frock,
Not only at our door should knock,
But come with such a ring!
Princess.
Madam, my story in few words is told;
When quite a baby—only six months old—
I had the great misfortune to be washed—
Sub.
Misfortune! to be washed?
Pas.
You would say squashed.
Princess.
No, washed, ma'am, overboard and drown'd.
Pas.
And drown'd!
Sub.
Where?
Princess.
In the water.
Pas.
How, then, above ground,
Have we the pleasure of your conversation?
Princess.
I was indebted for resuscitation
To fishermen for carp, who threw a net in;
But thought all fish whatever they could get in.
They took me for a carp at first—but that
As they had saved me—one must not carp at;
And, as they couldn't either sell or cook me,
Back to the palace, I am told, they took me.
Sub.
How came you on the water?
Princess.
O'er a lake
My parents their escape were forced to make.
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And a big billow roll'd o'er little me.
Pas.
Who were your parents? speak!
Princess.
The King and Queen
Of the Pacific Isles they once had been;
But too pacific, of their throne were tricked out,
By a usurper—now in his turn kicked out.
Pas.
It is! it is! with joy I shall go wild!
Sub.
Away disguise! behold us here, my child!
Princess.
Us, madam! Sir! Oh, you don't mean—
you can't—ah!
Sub.
I am King Placid!
Pas.
I, Queen Dominanta!
Princess.
(embracing them)
Ma! Pa!
Sub.
O, nature!—wondrous is thy power!
I feel—it must be past the usual hour
At which we dine; and this sweet child, my dear,
Has not had bit or sup since she's been here.
Enter Phillis and Chloe from cottage.
Phil. and Chloe.
Dinner's on table.
Pas.
They, too, must be told.
Daughters, your eldest sister here behold!
Chloe.
Our eldest sister!
Phil.
Who was food for fishes!
Pas.
Now to return the compliment she wishes,
And feed on some of them.
Chloe.
Oh, this is prime!
Sister, you have just come in pudding time.
Princess.
(kissing them)
I have supped full of happiness so sweet,
I only feel that all you I could eat,
Nor have for pudding left the smallest corner.
Where is my brother?
All.
Brother!
Sub.
(to Pastora)
We must warn her.
Princess.
Yes! Brother! Oh, I long to kiss him too!
Pas.
Kiss him! ahem! No, darling, that won't do.
He's not your brother, save by our adoption,
Therefore, to kiss him you have not the option.
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Nor does he know our real names or quality,
So don't imprudently upset our polity.
Pas.
You've only to remember just at present
You're a Princess, and he is but a peasant.
Princess.
(aside)
Not my own brother! Well, it's curious, though
I almost think I like him better so.
Quintette—Princess, Pastora, Sublimus, Chloe, Phillis—“Summer Flowers.”
Princess.
With joy the hours too fast will fly!
Pas.
Our darling cast up high and dry!
All.
O, such a happy family
Who wouldn't pay to view?
Princess.
Would I four pairs of arms had got,
To hug at once the whole dear lot!
But, as it happens I have not,
My best with these I'll do.
Papa! mamma!
With joy the hours, &c.
(Exeunt into cottage)
Scene Fifth.
—A Willow Glen.Enter Corin, with paper in his hand.
Cor.
There runs a rustic rhyme, that “Exercis
Is the best thing as is for rheumatis,”
And, therefore, I have run like wild to-day,
To try if I could make mine run away;
But I'm not better—nay, I'm rather worse,
For I have had a fit of writing verse.
And that's a symptom there is no mistaking—
'Tis love alone has set my heart an aching.
Song—Corin—“O give me the girl.”
Is the best thing as is for rheumatis,”
And, therefore, I have run like wild to-day,
To try if I could make mine run away;
But I'm not better—nay, I'm rather worse,
For I have had a fit of writing verse.
And that's a symptom there is no mistaking—
'Tis love alone has set my heart an aching.
O give me the girl with the blue dress on
Papa calls Carpillona;
She's stole my heart—away it's gone,
Or of no use to the owner!
Ye rocks and trees, I'll sing to you
About sweet Carpillona.
The Bona Roba's stole my heart—
A downright robber!—boner!
A gem she is without a flaw,
As beautiful as Venus,
The fairest flower I ever saw
Of the Bella-Dona genus.
O give me the girl, &c.
Papa calls Carpillona;
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Or of no use to the owner!
Ye rocks and trees, I'll sing to you
About sweet Carpillona.
The Bona Roba's stole my heart—
A downright robber!—boner!
A gem she is without a flaw,
As beautiful as Venus,
The fairest flower I ever saw
Of the Bella-Dona genus.
O give me the girl, &c.
Her voice to me is sweeter far
Than the finest-toned Cremona,
Her eyes are each a large loadstar,
And draw like a loadstone—Ah!
I love her more than Romeo
Did Juliet of Verona,
Who'd look as black as any crow
Beside fair Carpillona!
O give me the girl, &c.
Than the finest-toned Cremona,
Her eyes are each a large loadstar,
And draw like a loadstone—Ah!
I love her more than Romeo
Did Juliet of Verona,
Who'd look as black as any crow
Beside fair Carpillona!
O give me the girl, &c.
Hang there, my verse, in witness of my love!
Oh, Carpillona, throughout every grove,
With tender compositions, such as these,
I'll paper all the trunks of all the trees,
And on their barks I'll carve thy dear initial,
And register my vows with care official,
Deep as my love, to make 'em last the longer—
As bark is strengthening, it may make 'em stronger.
Cut, Corin, cut! and carve on ev'ry tree
A large, a capital, expressive C.
Music—He carves the letter C on the bark of a tree—The Fairy Amazona appears—She waves her lance over Corin's head, and he falls asleep on a bank.
Fairy.
Sleep, thou fond shepherd, by this haunted stream,
And of thy lovely Carpillona dream;
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Aqua Marina from her ocean cave!
(waves her lance—Music—Aqua Marina appears)
Aqua.
'Gainst wind and tide, all up the stream, and in it,
I've floated in the third part of a minute.
Fairy.
Thanks for your speed. This youth, of course, you know?
Aqua.
Corin, the younger son of King—
Fairy.
Just so.
He's fallen deep in love, as I intended,
With a young Princess, whom you once befriended.
Aqua.
Ah! I remember, in my arms I caught her
When I went to the Lakes for change of—water!
Fairy.
An angry planet threatens them to part—
Aid me to baffle it.
Aqua.
With all my heart!
If to pay me a visit you consent,
For here I feel out of my element.
Fairy.
Agreed!
Aqua.
We'll gently down the river fall
To my marine pavilion—Seaweed Hall.
Music—She waves her wand—Water Nymphs appear, and encircle Corin, who sinks, and the scene changes to Seaweed Hall, the marine abode of Aqua Marina.
Grand Ballet by Coralina and Sea Nymphs.
Tableau.
END OF ACT FIRST.
Once Upon a Time there were Two Kings | ||