University of Virginia Library

ACT I.

SCENE I.

The Curtain rising, discovers a Splendid Pavilion in the Clouds; Juno, Pallas, and Venus at a Card-Table playing at Tredrille; on one Side a Table, with Goblets, &c. Iris, in Waiting. During a Symphony, Venus shuffles and deals. Pallas frets at her bad Cards.
(Juno and Pallas rise in heat, and come forward. Venus sits still, counting and pocketing her gains.)
RECITATIVE.
Pal.
(mistily)
Hang cards!

Juno.
You're out o'luck!

Pal.
As I'm a sinner!
I haven't—since last Christmas—ris'n a winner.

Juno.
That's hard!—So bad a run may well chagrin one:
Venus is quite a dab.

Pal.
Dab!—She's—a keen one;
At all games—plays th'whole game.

Juno.
Aye, aye!

Pal.
Match none has;
For sleight of hand,—will slip an ace—with Jonas.

Juno.
Gambles deep too!

Pal.
Well may—who never loses:
At Putt, poor girls!—sh' as beggar'd the Nine Muses;
Fine as a Queen o'ginger-bread—parades it;
But ne'er has paid the wages of her Maids yet.

Juno.
(laughing)
Like enough—for the Graces,—and 'tis scandalous,
Go mother-naked.

Pal.
(with spleen)
Skin-flint!—so to randle us!
'Twould vex a saint.—

AIR II. Dooralin.
[Turning to Ven. insolently.]

RECITATIVE.
Juno.
(in disapprobation)
Nay—Pallas!

[Venus advances to them, smiling jocosely at Pallas.]
Ven.
(in banter)
Miss,—you're—funny,
Poor dear!—has't lost it' temper with it' money? ha! ha! ha!

Pal.
(exasperated)
Pert chitty face! 'cause leud fops call you—pretty;
You fancy those—patch-clenches—smart—and witty.

Ven.
(gibing)
Pretty—the fools!—do they, indeed?—Ah, tell us.

Pal.
(contemptuously)
Conceited moppet!

Ven.
(waggishly)
Sure, Miss,—you a'n't jealous.

[Takes out a pocket-glass, and views herself affectedly.]
AIR III. Laschi and Galluppi.
Ven.
If I have some—little—beauty—
Can I help it?—No, not I;—
Some good luck too—'tis my duty
Gifts so precious to apply.
Nature—Fortune—gave 'em freely;
And I'll use 'em—quite genteelly.
If the Smarts of the Sky
Cringe, ogle, and sigh,
Whene'er I pass by;
And cry,
Looky there!
What an air!
Gods, how fair!
Pray, why
(To feed your starch'd pride)
Must I go and hide,
'Till you're made a bride?
Who, I?
No, no—If I do, may I die.

RECITATIVE.
Pal.
(incensed)
Don't rouze me, Bold-face!—if your tongue's so flippant,
I'll take y'a chuck—as shall chop off the tip on't.

[Pallas advances upon her; she takes shelter behind Juno.]
Ven.
(in fear, screaming)
I'll swear the peace:—keep at arms-length, Virago!
(To Juno, whimpering)
She'll brain me, Mâm!

Pal.
(in spiteful rage)
—Well, had I don't long a-go.

Ven.
(still whimpering)
Your tongue's no slander—for that, not a button
Care I;—but I can't stand your fist o'mutton.

Juno.
(Aside, chuckling)
Nuts to me, This—I hope, 'twill be a scuffle;
(to them)
My stars! what was't cou'd thus your tempers ruffle?

Pal.
Her gibes,

Ven.
Her rants.

Pal.
Don't snouch then!

Ven.
Don't you hector!

Juno.
(taking each by the hand)
Faults on both sides—sit down—come, I'll direct here.
And Iris!—stir, wench!—fill about the nectar.

Pal.
Venus—your quips would Patient Grisel canker,
Howe'er, shake hands!

Ven.
(giving her hand)
Here, Miss, I bear no rancour.

AIR IV. Touch the Thing, you Bastard.
(All sit, and Iris serves them with Nectar.
Juno
(sings).

(They all drink.)
(Exeunt, merrily singing in Chorus)
The Golden Rule
Is—Push about the Forum.

[Scene closes.
SCENE changes to a Wood.
Enter Momus, in the habit of the Antique Court Jester. Walks to and fro impatiently.
RECITATIVE accompanied.
Mom.
By Jingo! if Erynnis—from the Hesperides,
Steals me the Dragon's Apple—we'll ha'merry days.
Augh!—ho!—oa!— (yawning and stretching)

Court's grown damn'd hum-drum:—Jove, poor Noodle!
Does nought but muddle.—
Juno too—turn'd so—mim, forsooth,
Butter will scarce melt in her mouth.
But th'Apple—yes—I'll throw—that squib among 'em—
Shall stir the humours—as a wasp had stung 'em.

AIR V. Behind the Bush in the Garden.
Mom.
To set at odds
These hair-brain'd Gods,
The turn of a straw or a pin does;
I make them fret,
Take pet,
Curvet,
And fling Heaven out o'the windows.
He, she, foul, handsome, all,
On wires I dance 'em all,
Jove of my puppets but is chief;
Sky, earth, and ocean,
I put in commotion;
I doat on a snug bit o'mischief.

[To him enter running, as from pursuit, Erynnis, holding the Golden Apple in her hand, and habited as an old witch.]
RECITATIVE.
Ery.
Here, Momus, 'tis—at last;—I'm all o'er dripping.

Mo.
Good Hag!—Now quick, to Juno's palace tripping,
Amongst the three Sultanas drop this Pippin.

Ery.
That Dragon! Oh! we've had a-do most hellish,
Burn him!—for Pippins he has spoil'd my relish.

Mo.
No fear;—I'll fool him with some rigma-rol,—
Pat on his back, and scratch his pol.—

Ery.
But I— (in terror)


Mo.
You—must plump down to Hell,—to Pluto;
I've writ a card to him.—

Ery.
(trembling)
Any where,—in tuto.

[The Dragon is heard roaring.]
Mo.
Off! off!

[She takes to her heels, Momus skulks aside.—Enter impetuously the Dragon, searching on every side, during the symphony, to find her—then]—
AIR VI. Francesco.
Dra.
Stop thief! Stop thief!
My Pippin!—Boh!—the varlet!—
Hoh!—I'm out of breath!—
Boh!—Could I clutch that harlot,
Who wrought my grief,
I'd be her death;
Stop thief! Stop thief! Stop thief!

[Momus comes forth, and accosts him familiarly.
Mo.
Ha,—my old friend!—how is't?

Dra.
Saw you that Beldam
Erynnis scamper by?

Mo.
Faith, Sir,—she—seldom
Visits these parts;—yet pass'd—within this half-hour,
Hobbling—to Juno,—with some fruit—you—gave her.

Dra.
She lies,—she stole it:—Gave! give her a halter!
Her due.—The thief!—

Mo.
Stole! ay, an old defaulter.—
Sue out a warrant—

Dra.
Sue!—the Queen has got it,—
I may go whistle—Piqued,—Repiqued,—Capotted!—

Mo.
Pluck up,—talk big to her,—
(Aside)
I'll egg on this hot-head.

AIR VII. DUO. Francesco.

Fluster,
Bluster,
Strut, Sir.—

Dra.
But, Sir,
She'll picker and rail.

Mo.
Why then roar, and whisk your tail.

Dra.
Oh, Sir,
No, Sir,
Fair words—

Mo.
Bare words
Never will prevail.

Dra.
But I may be sent to Jail.

Mo.
Mouthy, mealy!
Can't I bail ye?
Does your courage fail ye?

Dra.
No; but, Sir,
'Twill make a stir,
And Jove may demur.
And Jove may demur.

Mo.
On my word, he won't demur.

Dra.
Since you say
So, I may
Skur away.

Mo.
Skur.
And be sure you put it home t'her:
Servant, Sir.

Dra.
I shall pelt on, 'till I come t'her,
Whip and spur.

Mo.
And be sure, &c. Servant, Sir.

Dra.
I shall pelt, &c. Thank you, Sir.

[Exeunt severally, bowing.
SCENE shifts to Juno's Pavilion.
A knocking; then Juno's bell rings vehemently. Enter Iris running. Juno, Pallas, and Venus, enter on the other side.
RECITATIVE.
Juno.
High time, Miss Lazyboots! where ha' you been lolloping?

Iris.
Sure, Mêm—at the first tinkle—I came galloping.

Juno.
Who rapp'd?

Iris.
Beau Cupid, Mêm, ask'd for Miss Pallas.

(Exit.)
Pal.
For me? the Whelp!—I'd see him to the Gallows.

Ven.
Gallows! Mâm. (rising provok'd)


Pal.
Ay—'twill be his prank conclusive,
As he goes on.

Ven.
(to Juno)
Mâm—she's downright abusive.

AIR VIII. Giordani.
Ven.
(to Pallas)
But ah! Sweet Miss, your temper keep!
Your Peace my Boy shall ne'er invade;
Cupid shall not break your sleep,
You shall still remain a Maid.
All Ever-green
Be Pallas seen!
Laurels her learned brows adorn!
Baleful yew,
Cypress too!
Roses alone ne'er deck that thorn.

RECITATIVE.
Pal.
I'd mince the blinkard—to a salmagondi.

[Enter Iris in a fright to Juno, the Apple in her hand.]
Iris.
Oh! Mêm!

Juno.
Are you bewitch'd, Girl?—What has stunn'd ye?
Hast seen a Ghost—

Iris.
Worse, Mêm—that hag—Erynnis.

Juno.
Got in, d'ye say?—I wou'dn't for five guineas—

Iris.
In troth, I think, that Witch the Devil-in-is.

AIR IX. Sweet, if you love me, &c.

[Exit.
[Juno and Pallas alternately admire the Apple, Venus desiring to look at it.
RECITATIVE.
Ven.
With your leave, Mâm—

[Receives and narrowly examines it.
Juno.
(to Pallas)
Suppose that three shares equal
We make—

Pal.
Oh—that—Erynnis might—not take well.

Ven.
(having surveyed it)
Bless us!—'t has grown—with an Inscription on it.

Pal.
(in gibe)
Have the snails trac'd a tag of some—French sonnet?

Ven.
(nettled)
Nah, Miss; plain English—and to Me directed.
(insulting)
A wind-fall, Ladies!—yet—one can't reject it.
So, poz—I will not have—my goods trisected.

Juno.
(in surprize)
Yours!

Pal.
(with indignation)
Yours!

Ven.
(with provoking calmness)
Mine.

[both take fire.
Pal.
(to Venus, blustering)
By what right?

Juno.
(to ditto, with insolence)
What title?—Fool-y'!

Ven.
(with scorn)
What—when ye hear—will make you both look bluely.
Reads to them distinctly the Inscription, without Recitative.
TO THE FAIREST IN HEAV'N,
BE THIS APPLE GIV'N.

RECITATIVE.
Pal.
(to Juno)
Stand clear, Mâm—let me to her— (to Venus)
Shut your fly-trap,
Your title I'll soon quash else—with a tight rap.

Juno.
(interposing)
I bar blows—yet that Fruit
I'll have,—depend on't;
'Tis mine, (to Venus)
so, give it me—and there's an end on't.

AIR X. Arne.
Juno.
Yield; or beware, lest rage, disdain,
Resentment fire my mind!
The claim my rank, my charms sustain,
Shall never be resign'd.

RECITATIVE.
Pal.
(to Juno)
Nay, Madam!—Sure—my claim's the more undoubted;
So (to Venus)
give it me—and say no more about it.

Ven.
(gently)
Ladies, for Pow'r, Arms, Arts,
I don't dispute ye,
But—all the world (bridling)
gives me the crack for Beauty.

AIR XI. 'Twas you, Sir, &c.

My Title, my Title,
Will need no long recital.
Can you,
Or you,
Dispute the prize?
If not—say who.

Pal.
You Maukin, you Maukin!
What signifies your talking?
Don't name
That claim,
If you be wise,
Before us two.

Juno.
Gads me! Gads me!
Such rank conceit! It mads me.
So pert
A Flirt
Shou'd brave the skies!
What's here to do?

Ven.
My Title, &c.

Pal.
You Maukin! &c.

Juno.
Gads me! &c.

RECITATIVE.
Juno.
You Trapes!

Pal.
You Demi-rep! you hatter'd Dowdy,
Nam'd of a day with us—you're—

Juno.
Oh! No-body.

Ven.
(piqu'd)
Two to one's odds;—but Ladies,—since you crow so,
Let Jove judge.

Juno.
(eagerly)
Done!

Pal.
Done!

Ven.
He's a Virtuoso
In female matters.

Pal.
(to Juno)
Is he?

Juno.
Troth—but so, so.

[Here they are alarm'd by a tumultuous roaring without. A Symphony of Terror and Confusion; at the close bursts in the Hesperian Dragon. Juno and Venus run into a corner affrighted; Pallas undaunted.]
AIR XII. Pantomime Tune.
Drag.
Fe—Fa—Fum!
I smell a rich perfume:
My Pippin's in this room.
I'll have it Crust and Crumb,
Look ne'er so grum.
Fe—Fa—Fum!
If up with her I come,
I'll strike Erynnis dumb,
And make her pelt—my drum!

[Crawls about roaring. Juno and Venus angry, yet terrified.]
RECITATIVE.
Juno.
(from the corner)
Hark y'me, Dragon! you're a saucy fellor!
I'll have ye kick'd down stairs.

Pal.
(in rage)
Vap'ring Ale-swiller!

Juno.
(to Pallas)
Tip him Medusa's Muz!

Pal.
(calling loudly)
Hand here my Ægis!

Dra.
(runs to and fro roaring)
Boh!—I'll indict you all—in Banco Regis. (boh, boh!

[He roars, they scream, Pallas stamps; a rapid Symphony.]
Enter in haste Mercury.
AIR XIII. Duny.
Merc.
O Death and Hell!
Truce with this yell!
'Blood! why d'ye bawl so?
Keep the King's Peace within these walls, ho!
Ladies! you can't think it civil,
In Heaven to play the Devil!
And you—you frosty-face Dragon!
You to keep this bolly-rag on!
Do spare your lungs
This tear away;
Give your poor tongues
One holiday.

RECITATIVE.
Juno.
(strutting up to Mercury)
An' if you go to that—you pert Intruder!
By whose authority are you thus rude here?

RECITATIVE accompanied.
Mer.
Don Jove, our thunder-thumping Caliph,
From doze at Council-Board,
Upstarting with a bounce,
Rapp'd out,—Coxnouns!
Call me my Bailiff!
Scud, Hermes!—fetch me word,
Is Billingsgate transferr'd
To Juno's Malepardus?—By the Lord,
Her Gossips Throats had need be of Bull-leather.
Tell 'em—I'll come—and tolt their Jolls together.

AIR XIV. Philidor.
Quintetto. Finale.
Juno, Venus, Pallas, Dragon, Mercury.
Juno., Ven.
I protest,—'tis this Beast—will not rest./'Tis this Beast—will not rest—I protest.

Pal., Dra.
We've no rest,—not the least,—for this Beast./That's a jest;—I protest—I'm opprest.

Merc.
Silence!—I request you.

Juno., Ven., Pal., Dra.
I protest,/'Tis this Beast,/We've no rest,/That's a jest, &c.

Merc.
Silence!—or I must arrest you.

Juno., Ven., Pal., Dra.
I protest,/'Tis this Beast,/We've no rest,/Boh! I'm opprest. &c.

Merc.
Hush!—cease, you were best.
You're all possest.

Ven.
Grown so furious,
So injurious,
Calls High Dames
Black guard names—

Pal.
Most injurious.

Ven.
And Heaven makes
Quite a jakes.

Dra.
Say, what names?

Ven.
Theft-receivers,

Juno., Ven.
We Three!
Shelter-givers,
Pilf'ring jobbers,
Snacks with robbers.

Dra.
Hear me!

Ven., Pal.
We,—We?/I'd root the whole garden,

Ven., Pal.
We,—We?/For one fardin.

Juno., Pal., Dra.
We receivers—Shelter-givers?/We—Three?/Death and blood!

Juno., Pal., Dra.
Pilf'ring jobbers—Snacks with robbers?/We—Three?/Restore my goods!

Juno., Ven.
We,—We,—We,—We?/We wall-scalers?—We fruit-stealers?/

Juno., Ven., Pal.
We,—We,—We,—We?/We,—We,—We,—We?/I'd root th'whole garden—for one fardin

Juno., Ven., Merc.
We,—We,—We,—We?/We wall-scalers/—We fruit-stealers?/'Twas politeness,—with a witness.

Juno., Pal., Dra.
We wall-scalers?—We fruit-stealers?/We—Three?/For—my—fruit,

Juno., Pal., Dra.
We receivers?—Shelter-givers?/We—Three?/I'll—prosecute.

Juno., Ven., Pal., Dra.
We wall-scalers?—We fruit-stealers?/Reptile—nauseous!/They've my Pippin

Juno., Ven., Pal., Dra.
We receivers,—Shelter-givers?/Worm—audacious!/In their keeping.

Juno., Ven., Dra., Merc.
Yes, receivers,—Shelter-givers./No—No./Peace!—Peace!—Zouns!—cease.

Juno., Ven., Pal., Dra.
Yes, Receivers.—Yes, Receivers./Yes, I'll firk you, and jerk you, and yerk you./Brawling Pagan! Hell-spawn'd Dragon!/No—No—Not—so.

Juno., Ven., Pal., Merc., Dra.
I'll make you fly—or I'll know why./By cock and pie—you vamp or I./Hence to your sty—or, Filth! you die./Jove, by and by,—your suit will try./A lie,—a lie,—just cut and dry.