University of Virginia Library

The pleasaunt and fine conceited Comœdie of two Italian Gentlemen, vvith the merie deuises of Captaine Crack-stone.

Actus prima.

Scena prima.

Enter Fortunio and Captain Crack-stone, Fortunio shewing very sad countenance.
Fortunio.
He that discloseth to a freend the secrets of his minde:
Dooth rob him selfe of libertie, besides we dayly finde,
That others councels wil by such in euery eare be blowen:
As haue no power when time requires, to smother all their owne
Heauie and sad thow seest I am, but why my hart is sore:
Of curtesie content thy selfe and aske me that no more.

Crack-stone.
Heauie in deed and as heauie as lead,
Either it is some of these same bremy quauers, or some kinde of pricksong that runnes in his head.
Heare you Maister Fortunio, by the honor of a Soldier, by the glorye of a Captain:
By all the Poleaxes and tormenters, that theise hands haue slain,
Doo but scoure your minde to mee, and shut vp your greef:
Either Ile finde you some ease, or you shalbe hangd for a theef.
You knowe I am a good fellowe, nothing venture nothing haue,
If I had not put my carcas to the Iibbet, I had not been thus braue.
So now, if you venture not to shewe some trusty body your minde:
It will be very long ere the dresser you finde.
And so peraduenture you shall neuer be sped:
For when the Cooke is out of the way, you must goe supperlesse to bed.

Fortunio.
How findeth he redresse, that breakes his minde vnto a foole?
Or what is learnd, where folly sets the wiser sorte to schoole?
Yet sith he braues it with the best, in euery company:
And knowes where euery gallant loues, and sees the remedy,
I will not stick to let him knowe the secrets of my hart:
And make him partner of my pain, and priuie to my smart.
Doo you knowe Victoria?

Crack-stone.
Doo not I knowe her? what think yee?
As though ere a proper gentlewoman in Naples were out of quaintance with mee?

Fortunio.
Her haue I seen of late, and often by her windowe past:
From which shee let a letter fall, which taking vp in hast,
I read, and found within describde the frantique fits of looue:
Whether it were for mee, or any els I cannot prooue.
Whether she faine and baite her hookes the simple to beguile:
Cannot be found, till wit by line haue measured euery wile.
I knowe she loued Fedele once, before he went to Spain:
And meanes perhaps to loue him still, sith hee's returnd again.
Doo thou but sift him for my sake, and haunt out his desire:
And doutles thou shalt haue of mee, thy Captains pay for hire.

Crack-stone.
If this be all Sir, let mee alone,
About your businesse you may be gone.
I will feele Signior Fedeles minde very cunningly:
And return you an answer of this gear presently.

Fortunio.
Gramercie, be trustye.

Crack-st.
As trusty as steele:
I haue no fault but one, I am somwhat short in the heele.

Fortunio.
Mi raccommando.

Exit.
Crack-st.
Basilus Codpeece for an olde Manus,
You shall not haue her at rack and maunger I trowe:
Somwhat by this for mine owne proportion I knowe.
When two bones are at strife for a dog, it is commonly seen:
That the third comes and takes it, and wipes their mouthes cleen.
I mean as you see mee in this braualitie:
To be a suter to Victoria with all profigalitie.
I brought Butter and Cheese hether to vittaile the Camp a great while:
Many times I would nick them of their measure, and the Soldiers beguile.
Like a crafty knaue, by this meanes I got so much gain:
That I bought this apparell of a Captain that was slain.
And wearing the same abroad as you see:
The Soldiers all the town ouer, make a Captain of mee.
One calles mee Captain Cheese, an other Captain Crust:
An other braue Crack-stone, take which name ye lust.
The Gentlemen are euery one glad of my company:
Because I haue such a wilde worme in my hed, as makes them all mery.
The women they loue mee, Victoria is cheefe:
But shee hath been somwhat strange of late, therfore to be breefe,
I thought some strawes were in the pad, that shee lookt so coy:
But now haue at her again, with a fresh hed in my toy.
I will first vnderproyn Sir Fedele his minde to vnderstand:
See good luck, his Schoolmaister and her Maid are at hand.
As bothe of them freendly togither doo walke:
I will sneke into a corner and hearken to their talke.

step aside.

Scena secunda.

Enter Pedante the Parasite, attired in a gown and cap like a Schoolmaister, and with him Attilia.
Attilia.
I Pray you maister Schoolmaister let me be gone:
I haue haste on my way, Ile be at home again anone.

Pedante.
Sweet hart and bag pudding goe you so swiftly?
Haue with you then, doo ye lack any company?

Attilia.
In faith Sir no.

Pedante.
I pray you tell me one thing before you parte,
I think you be somwhat wetherwise by your arte.
Doo you knowe me by acqaintance, or gesse you by aime?
That you hit so right on my office in stead of my name?

Attilia.
I haue seen you before if I am not beguilde:
You haue been Schoolmaister to maister Fedele euer since he was a childe.

Pedante.
True sweet hart, but I pray thee be not angry with mee:
But giue me leaue a little while to mooue a question to thee.
What is your name, and where doo you dwell?

Attilia.
Softe, there lay a strawe, that will I not tell.
Alas poor Attilia, what meanes he by this?
If I stay with him long, my mistres Victoria her seruant wil misse.
About your busines good Sir, I pray you get you away:
I purpose not to tell you my name this day.

Pedante.
Be not so strange faire Lady, I knowe your name very well,
And the name of your mistres, and the place where you dwell.

Attilia.
If you doo, much good doo it you, I can tary no longer:

Pedante.
Then I perceiue I shall be driuen to try who is the stronger.
I shall tell you one thing if it please you to stay:

(stop her.
Attilia.
Speak your minde quickly, a woord and away,

Pedante.
Bee not angry I beseech you, to hear that is true,
You are the fairest Creature that euer I did view.

Attilia.
What followes of this?

Pedante.
I like you, and looue you, before all the Creatures that euer I knew,

Attillia.
What ill luck is this? I see nothing that makes me to loue and like you.

Pedante.
You might if you tride me, for I come of the smiters:

Attilia.
Great barkers are none of the greatest biters.

Pedante.
Good mistres Attilia, because you haue haste:
I will talke with you more, when your busines is past.
If I can be spared from my Maister so long, soon at night:
I will resorte to your house, and lay my meaning wide open before your sight.

Attilia.
Farwel Sir Pedante, look you be not too quick:

Exit.
Pedante.
What a drunken wooer am I that gaue her neuer a licke,
This falles out pat for my Maister Fedele, and comes in the nick.
By cogging and counterfaiting looue, as you see:
If Attilia be so mad, as to like and looue mee,
By her all the Iugling of her mistres I shall knowe:
And finde whether any new cōmers, haue set my Maister beside the cushin or no.

Crack-stone.
This is as excrement for my proposition as can be desirde,
Soon at night like the Schoolmaister will I be attirde.
First come, first seru'd, if the maid be so freendly to let mee in:
Then Sa Sa Sa, the battaile will beginne.
With that Magnaniminstrelsie and mercy, that in mee dooth floe:
Ile make a conflict of the Mistres, and let the maid goe.
Farewell seely Schoolmaister. this Iniunction is not found in his Aduerb I trowe.

Exit.
Pedante.
These tidings wilbe ioyfull to my maister I am sure,
Who for loue of Victoria suffers many a sharp shower:
Enter Fedele.
Loe where he comes walking by him selfe alone,
With his head full of thoughts, and his hart full of mone.
Rowse vp your wittes Sir, what are you a sleep?
Neuer be so base minded to a woman to creep.
See, see, your cap on your head, good manners forgot,
Now you are come to your owne swinge, you knowe me not.
Doo your dutie to your maister, good nurture is best:
In via virtutis non progredi, regredi est.

Fedele.
Alas my care so closeth vp my sight:
That all is lost, wherin I should delight.

Pedante.
You knowe that it may be said of me, which was said of Vlisses,
Multorum hominum mores qui vidit et vrbes.
Therfore if you desire mee your cares to releeue:
The best counsell I can, to you I will giue.

Fedele.
You knowe Victoria is the cause of all my secret smart:
Victoriaes beautie is the worme, that gnawes me to the hart.
What counsaile now?

Pedante.
Did not I teach you long agoe out of tragicall Seneca:
His golden saying, duo omnium malorum foemina?
Did I not cause you with your pen in the margent of your book, to marke that place:
And yet will you be tooting on a beautifull face?
Which no otherwise vanisheth, and away dooth goe:
Then water, that neuer returnes to the spring, from whence it did flowe.
Beautie is so tickle a foundation to bear any frame:
And looue so vncertain, that it throwes the house on his hed that built the same.
Wherupon I gaue you a good lesson of olde:
Euery letter therof would be written in Golde.
Quod iuuat exiguum est, plus est quod lædit amantes:
They knowe what I mean that are versificautes

Fedele.
If this colde comfort in my need, be all that I shall haue:
Out of my sight. No succour at thy handes I mean to craue.

Pedante.
Adultus Iuuenis tandem custode remoto:
Cereus in vitium flecti, monitoribus asper.
The right course of the world, now he runnes vpon wheeles:
Had I knowen this when you were a boy, I would haue hamperd your heeles.
It were a good deed to set all your fortune at euen and od:
And let you alone till you are beaten with your owne rod.
But the looue that I bear to you euery day:
Will not suffer me to see this good witte cast away.
Some tidings I haue for you, therfore be not afraid:
I am growen in acquaintance with Victoriaes maid.
By whome I trust in the end to knowe:
What Suters to her Mistres resorte too and fro.
If no body els do followe the game:
The spark that you left in her brest, will break out in a flame.

Fedele.
Thankes good Pedante, get thee home and leaue me heer a space:
To trye if I may meet with faire Victoria in this place.

Pedante.
I knowe where to prick that the vain may bleed:
See how faire he dooth speak, when his humour I feed.
This passeth Prosodia, Sintaxis and all,
Tis the way to my profit to stoop to his call.

Exit.
Fedele.
Heer was I wunt to meet with her, and heer I mean to walke:
And sound her meaning if I may, by moouing her to talke.

Victoria setteth open the Casement of her windowe and with her Lute in her hand playeth, and singeth this dittie.
Victoria.
Speake.

Fedele.
Oh greedy looue that neuer feeleth glut,
How haue I boasted of Victoriaes grace?
With feare at last from fauour to be shut,
And lose the light of such a shining face?
Shall neither teares, nor toyle, nor broken sleep:
Haue force inough a Ladies looue to keep?

Victoria.
And hath Fortunio now forgot the way.
Which by my windowe learnd of late to walke:
See the disturber of my peace this day,
Fedele comes to proffer mee some talke.
Sith hee is heer, his patience I will prooue:
Whome for Fortunios sake I cannot looue.

Fedele.
I serue a Mistres whiter then the snowe,
Straighter then Cedar, brighter then the Glasse:
Finer in trip and swifter then the Roe,
More pleasant then the Feeld of flowring Grasse.
More gladsome to my withering Ioyes that fade:
Then Winters Sun, or Sommers cooling shade,
Sweeter then swelling grape of ripest wine,
Softer then feathers of the fairest Swan:
Smoother then Iet, more stately then the Pine,
Fresher then Poplar, smaller then my span.
Clearer then Beauties fiery pointed beam:
Or Ysie cruste of Christalles frosen stream.
Yet is shee curster then the Beare by kinde,
And harder harted then the aged Oke:
More glib then Oyle, more fickle then the winde,
Stiffer then Steele, no sooner bent but broke.
Loe thus my seruice is a lasting sore:
Yet will I serue although I dye therfore.

Enter Victoria.
Victoria.
Now must I either fode him off with fained curtesie:
Or els be coy in talke, to rid mee of his company.
Sir Fedele well met, and so farwell, I must away:
My busines is such as will not suffer me to staye.

Shee offreth to departe & he stayeth her.
Fedele.
Mistres Victoria: let vs haue one woord before yee goe,
Oh looue, oh death, between you bothe, vouchsafe to rid my woe.

Victoria.
A wunder sure it is to see, how gentlemen complain:
What cark, what care, what hell on earth, for women they sustain.
Your peace is war, your sleep is watching, and your ease is toyle:
Your life is death, your mirth is mone, and your successe a foyle.
These woordes are vsde for ornaments to beautifie your stile:
And these I think you followe, poore Victoria to beguile.

Fedele.
If for your sake alone, more then for any other dame:
I were not thus tormented, then, I graunt I were too blame.
But sith your golden graces are the cause of all my greefe:
Giue eare and credit to my plaint, and yeeld me some releefe.

Victoria.
If this be true, why did you part? and stay so long in Spain:
Delay breeds losse, either I thought you would not come again.
Or els that change of company would alter your delight,
And absence put me out of minde, that shut me out of sight.
Did not I say, that your departure would my death procure?

Fedele.
You did.

Victoria.
And could you make me then to feele so sharp a showre?

Fedele.
Need hathe no lawe, the matter toucht my land and life so neer:
That I was forste against my will, to stay no longer heer.
But sith I haue dispatcht, according to mine owne desire:
Loe heer I am to serue you still, in bitter frost, or fier.

Scena tertia,

Enter Attilia, Maid to Mistresse Victoria, with Pamphila, Maid to Mistres Virginia, and Medusa the Enchantresse with her box of enchantments vnder her arme.
Victoria.
Departe Fedele for this time, come to me soon at night,
I will consider better of your plaint and heauie plight.
My maid and other company dooth prease into this place:
It were not good to make them all, acquainted with your case.

Fedele.
A thousad thankes, this in your ear, let that the token bee,

Exit.
Victoria.
I knowe your meaning Sir, farwell, referre the rest to mee.
Alas poore soule, he little knowes, how colde a sute he hathe,
He must be dallied with a while, for fear of after scathe.

Attilia.
And must you seek Fedele out?

Pamphila.
I must.

Attilia.
But to what end?

Pamphila,
To craue of curtesie, that he would stand my Mistres freend.

Attilia.
Mistres Virginia:

Pamphila
The same.

Attilia.
In what matter I pray.

Pamphila
Thats counsaile vnto you, I must not euery thing bewray.
And yet by her, so bitter is the taste of looue, I finde:
That gall were sweeter to the mouth, and better to the minde.

Atillia.
I haue the Hare on foot.

Pamphila
But knowe you where Fedele is?

Attilia.
Him at his house, or walking in the street you shall not misse.

Pamphila
Farewell, I will goe seek him straight.

Exit.
Attilia.
Yet finde him not too soon:
Alas poore soule, her sute is colde before it be begun,
Loe heer the common fault of looue, to followe her that flyes:
And flye from her that makes pursuite, with loud lamenting cryes.
Fedele looues Victoria, and shee hath him forgot:
Virginia likes Fedele best, and hee regardes her not.

Medusa.
O foolish looue, and loouers that look not to theire state,
But swimme against the tide, and then repent when tis too late.
If wee could learne to seek to them, that vnto vs doo sue:
The match were made, and wee should haue no cause at all to rue.
When wee be coy, and holde our freendes aloofe at cap and knee:
The Mart is marde, and euery eye our folly then dooth see.

Victoria.
What talke you there Attilia?

Attilia.
No hurt at all to you.

Victoria.
What newes?

Attilia.
Good, sweet, and ioyfull newes, Mistres I bring you now.

Victoria.
Hast thou met with Fortunio?

Attilia.
Not so.

Victoria.
Then what's the newes?

Attilia.
As I was walking through the streets alone:
Deuising how to finde a remedie to cure your mone,
I met Medusa with her box and trinckets as you see:
Whose cunning shortly shall deuise, the way to set you free.

Victoria.
No way without Fortunio.

Attilia.
Fortunio you shall haue:
Be not afraid therfore in this: this womans aide to craue.
Shee can enchant, and woorke wunders, by Magicks learned art:
Shee can with woordes, with charmes and hearbes, giue you Fortunioes hart.
Make much of her.

Victoria.
Ah foole, I knowe that looue is such a passion of the minde:
As neither Ayrye Sprites can rule, nor force of Magick binde.

Attilia.
Yet trye her cunning, sith that I haue brought her into place,

Victoria.
Medusa, will thy drugges procure a pining loouer grace?

Medusa.
Mistres, they will.

Victoria.
Open thy box and let me see thy store:
Let me haue that shall pleasure me, Ile pay thee well therfore.

Medusa.
Heer is an Egge of a black Hen, a quill pluckt from a Crowe,
Who with this pen writes on this Egge, a charme yt I doo knowe
And names the party whome they like: the same shall looue again,
What think you of this remedye?

Attilia.
This remedye is vain.
Look farther yet into your box, some other medicin prooue:
Because my Mistres cares not for the single iuice of looue.
She craueth more, shee must enioy the party shee desires:

Victoria.
Fye, holde thy peace.

Attilia.
Els hath shee not the thing that shee requires.

Medusa.
Loe heer a spoonfull of a Virgins milke,
Incorporated with a peece of dowe:
Powdred with cinders of fine Spanish Silke,
And steeped in the licquor of a Slowe.
On thone side write Venus and Cupids name:
On thother his that loou'd, then take the same
And broyle it on the coales vnto a crust,
Basting it well with hony dropes and oyle:
Giue it to him you looue, to kindle lust,
And then your sute shall neuer suffer foyle.
This will so binde the gallant whome you choose:
That he shall nere him selfe heerafter loose.

Attilia.
All this is to no purpose, yet me thinks you are too wide:
What pleasure can my Mistres haue so long as he is tied?

Victoria.
Shee meanes not tied in hand or foot, but bound to be my slaue:
In all the seruices and duties that I mean to craue.

Medusa.
Heere are two hartes, the one was taken out of a black Cat:
The other from a Pigion: heer is the blood of a Batte.
Heere is a peece of Uirgin waxe, heers an inchaunted Bean,
To make you goe inuisible,

Victoria,
You knowe not what I mean.

Attilia.
These thinges are prety, but they are not for my Mistres fit,
For if she be inuisible, I pray what profits it?
She shall beholde the man, whome shee delighteth moste to see:
But beeing hid: she neuer can enioye his companye.
Yet shewe vs more.

Medusa.
Heer's thinges will make men melt in fittes of looue,
A wanton Goates braine, and the Liuer of a purple Dooue.
A Cockes eye, and a Capons spurre, the left legge of a Quaile:
A Goose bill, and a Ganders tung, a mounting Eagles tayle.
But sith they must be taken in thincreasing of the Moone:
Before the rising of the Sun, or when the same is down.
And closely wrapt in Uirgin parchement on a Fryday night:
I will not trouble you with these.

Victoria.
Of more lets haue a sight.

Medusa.
Heer is the Image of a man, made out in Uirgin waxe,
Which beeing prickt, or toasted in the flame of burning Flaxe.
Hee that you looue shall come and throwe him selfe before your feet:
More humble then a Lambe, to doo what you shall think is meet.

Victoria.
O that is it.

Attilia.
This is it must doo my Mistres good:
By Images it must be wrought, Looue is a holy Rood.

Medusa.
Wee must withdrawe our selues aside, and woork it out of sight:

Victoria.
Enter my house, the Sun is set, & now begins the night.

Exeunt
The first Act beeing ended, the Consorte of Musique soundeth a pleasant Galliard.