 | Amends for Ladies |  |
Actus secundi
Scæna prima.
Enter Seldome his Wife working as in their shop.Grace.
Hvsband these gloues are not fit for my wearing,
I'le put 'em into the shop and sell 'em, you shall
giue me a plaine paire for them.
This is wonderfull, wonderfull, this is thy sweet care
and iudgement in all things, this goodnesse is not vsuall in
our wiues, well Grace Seldome, that thou art faire is nothing,
that thou art well spoken is nothing, that thou art wittie is
nothing, that thou art a Citizens wife is nothing; but Grace,
that thou art faire, that thou art well spoken, that thou art
wittie, that thou art a Citizens wife, and that thou art honest
I say, and let any mun denie it that can, it is something,
it is something, I say, it is Seldomes something, and for all
the Sunne-shine of my joy mine eyes must raine vpon thee.
Enter Mall with a Letter.
Mall.
By your leaue Master Seldome, haue you done the
hangers I bespake for the Knight?
Seld.
Yes marrie haue I Mistris hic & hæac, i'le fetch 'em to
you.
Exit.
Mall.
Z'oones, does not your husband know my name, if
it had beene some bodie else I would haue cal'd him Cuckoldlie
slaue.
Grace.
If it had been some bodie else perhaps you might.
Mall.
Well I may be euen with him, all's cleere; pritie
rogue I haue long'd to know thee this twelue moneths, and
had no other meanes but this to speake with thee, there's a
letter to thee from the partie.
Grace.
What partie?
Mall.
The Knight Sir Iohn Louall.
Grace.
Hence lewd impudent
I know not what to tearme thee man or woman,
For nature shaming to acknowledge thee
For either; hath produc'd thee to the World
Without a sexe, some say thou art a woman,
Others a man; and many thou art both
Woman and man, but I thinke rather neither
Or man and horse, as the old Centaures were faign'd.
Mall.
Why how now Mistris, what lack yee? are you so
so fine with a poxe? I haue seene a woman looke as modestly
as you, and speake as sinceerely, and follow the Fryars as
zealously, and shee has beene as sound a jumbler as e're paid
for't, t'is true Mris. Fipenie, I haue sworne to leaue this letter.
D'ee heare, you sword and target (to speake in
your owne key) Marie Umbree, Long-Meg,
Thou that in thy selfe (me think'st) alone
Look'st like a rogue and a whore vnder a hedge:
Bawd, take your letter with you and begone,
When next you come (my Husband's Constable)
And Bridewell is hard by, y'aue a good wit,
And can conceiue.
Enter Seldome with hangers.
Seld.
Looke you, heere are the hangers.
Mall.
Let's see them.
Fie, fie, you haue mistooke me quite,
They are not for my turne (b'y mistris Seldome)
Exit.
Enter Lord Provdlie.
Grace.
Heere's my Lord Proudlie.
Lo. Proud.
My Horse Laquey, is my sister Honor aboue?
Seld.
I thinke her Ladiship, my Lord, is not well, and keeps
her Chamber.
Proud.
Al's one, I must see her, haue the other La. din'd?
Grace.
I thinke not my Lord.
Proud.
Then i'le take a pipe of Tobacco heere in your
shop if it be not offensiue, I would be loath to be thought to
come iust at dinner time. Garsoon; fill, sirrah,
What said the Gold-Smith for the money?
Seldome hauing fetch a candle, walk's off at th'other end of the Shop, Lord sits by his wife.
Page.
He said my Lord he would lend no man money
that he durst not arrest.
Proud.
How got that wit into Cheape-side 'tro, hee is a
Cuckold.
Saw you my Ladie to day, what saies shee?
Takes Tobacco
Page.
Marry my Lord, shee said her old husband had a
great payment to make this morning, and had not left her
so much as a jewell.
Proud.
A poxe of her old Cats chops, the teeth shee had,
haue made a transmigration into haire, shee hath a bigger
beard than I by this light.
This custome in vs Cittizens is good,
Lo: whispers to Grace.
Thus walking off when men talk with our wiues,
It shew's vs curteous, and mannerly,
Some count it basenesse, hee's a foole that does so,
It is the highest point of pollicie
Espetiallie when we haue vertuous wiues.
Gr.
Fie, fie, you talke vnciuillie my Lord.
Pr.
Vnciuillie, mew, can a Lord talke vnciuilly? I thinke
you a finicall taffatae pipkin may be proud ile sit so neare it,
vnciuillie mew.
Gr.
Your mothers Cat ha's kitten'd in your mouth sure:
Pr.
Prithee but note yon Felow, do's he not walke & look
as if hee did desire to be a Cuckold?
Gr.
But you doe not looke as if you could make him one,
now they haue dind my Lord.
Enter Lord Feesimple, Maister Wel-tri'd.
Feesi.
God saue your Lordship.
Pr.
How dost thou Coze, hast thou got any more wit yet?
Feesim.
No by my troth I haue but litle money with that
little wit I haue, and the more wit euer the lesse money, yet
as litle as I haue of either: I would giue some thing that I
durst but quarrell,
Welt.
Saue you my Lord.
Gr.
Good Maister Wel-tri'd, you can informe mee, pray
how ended the quarrell betwixt yong Bould, and the other
Gentleman.
Welt.
Why very fairelie my Lord, on honorable tearmes,
Young Bould was iniur'd and did challenge him,
Fought in the field, and the other gaue him satisfaction
Vnder his hand, I was Boulds second, and can shew it heere.
Pr.
T'is strange there was no hurt done, yet I hold
the other Gentleman, farr the better Man.
Welt.
So doe not I.
Pr.
Besides they say the satisfaction that walks in the Ordinaries,
is counter-feit.
Welt.
He lies that saies so, and ile make it good,
And for I know my frend is out of towne,
I say he had full satisfaction,
Nay that which wee may call submission:
That the other sought peace first, and who denies this,
Lord, Knight, or Gentleman, English, French, or Scot,
I'le fight and proue it on him with my sword.
Feesi.
No sweet Maister Well-tri'd, let's haue no fighting
till (as you haue promis'd) you haue rid me from this foolish
feare, and taught mee to endure to looke vppon a naked
Sword.
Welt.
Well and il'e be as good as my word.
Feesi.
But doe you heare Cozen Proudly? they say my old
Father must marrie your sister Honor, and that hee will disinherit
me, and intaile all his Lordships on her, and the heire
he shall beget on her bodie, i'st true or not?
Proudly.
There is such a report.
Feesi.
Why then I pray God he may die an ould Cuckold
lie slaue, oh world what art thou? where is Parents loue?
Yet see (oh fornicator) ould and stiffe,
Not where he should be, that's my comfort yet,
As for you my Lord: I will send to you as soone as I dare
fight and looke vppon steele, which Maister Wel-tri'd I pray
let be with all possible speede.
Pr.
What d'ee this afternoone.
Feesi.
Faith I haue a great mind to see long-megg and he
ship at the Fortune.
Pr.
Nay afaith let's vp and haue a rest at Primero.
Welt.
Agreed my Lord, and toward the Euening il'e carrie
you to the Companie.
Feesi.
Well no more words.
Exeunt Lord Provdly, Lord Fees. Wel-tr.
Grace.
I wonder Sir you will walke so and let anie bodie
fit prating to your wife! were I a man Id'e thrust 'em out ot'h
shop by the head and shoulders.
Sel.
There were no pollicie in that wife, so should I loose
their custome, let them talke them selues wearie, and giue
thee loue tokens still, I loose not by it.
Had I a dame whose eies did swallow youth,
Whose vnchast gulph together did take in
Masters, and Men, the Foot-boies and their Lords,
Making a Gally-moferie in her blood,
I would not walke thus then: but vertuous wife,
He that in chast eares poores his ribauld talke
Begets hate to himselfe, and not consent;
And euen as durt throwne hard against a wall
Rebounds and sparkles in the throwers eies,
So ill words vtter'd to a vertuous Dame,
Turne and defile the speaker with red shame.
Exeunt.
Enter Hvsband and Wife.
Hus.
Z'oones, you are a whore, though I entreat him faire
Before his face, in complement, or so,
I not esteeme him truly as this rush,
Ther's no such thing as friend-ship in the world,
And he that can not sweare, dissemble, lie,
Wants knowledge how to liue, and let him die.
Wife.
Sir I did thinke you had esteem'd of him
As you made shew, therefore I vs'd him well,
And yet not so but that the strictest eie
I durst haue made a witnesse of my cariage.
Husb.
Plague a your carriage, why he kist your hand,
Look't babies in your eies, and wink't and pink't,
You thought I had esteem'd him, S'blood you whore,
Doe not I know, that you doe know you lie,
When did'st thou heare me say and meane one thing?
Oh I could kick you now, and teare your face
And eate thy Breasts like vdders.
Wife.
Sir you may, but if I know what hath deseru'd al this
I am no woman, 'cause he kist my hand, vnwillingly.
Husb.
A little lowder pray.
Wife.
You are a base fellow, an vnworthie man
As e're poore Gentlewoman match't withall,
Why should you make such shew of loue to any
Without the truth, thy beastly minde is like
Some decai'd Tradseman that doth make his wife
Pish, swell and burst, I had rather with thy sword
Be hew'd to peeces, then lead such a life,
Out with it valiant sir, I hold you for
A drawer vpon women, not on men,
I will no more conceale your hollow heart,
But e'ne report you as you are in truth.
Husb.
This is cal'd marriage, stop your mouth you whore.
Wife.
Thy mother was a whore if I be one.
Enter Svbtle.
Hus.
You know ther's companie in the house, sweet friend
What haue you writ your letter?
Sub.
T'is done, deere friend, I haue made you stay too long
I feare you'll be benighted.
Husb.
Fie, no, no,
Madame & sweetest wife farewell, God blesse vs,
Make much of master Subtle heere my friend
kisse her.
Till my returne, which may be ee'n as't happens,
According as my businesse hath successe.
Exit.
Subt.
How will you passe the time, now fairest Mistresse.
Wife.
In troth I know not, wiues without their husbands
Me thinks are lowring daies.
Subt.
Indeed some wiues
Are like dead bodies in their Husbands absence.
Wife.
If any Wife be, I must needs be so
That haue a Husband farre aboue all men,
Vntainted with the humors others haue,
A perfect man, and one that loues you truly,
You see the charge he left of your good vsage.
Subt.
Push, hee's an Asse, I know him, a starke Asse.
Of a most barbarous condition,
False-hearted to his friend, rough vnto you,
A most desembling and persideous fellow,
I care not if he heard me, this I know,
And will make good vpon him with my sword
Or any for him, for he will not fight.
Wife.
Fie seruant, you shew small ciuilitie
And lesse humanitie, d'ee requite
Of mee, that you will vtter to my face
Such harsh, vnfriendly, slanderous iniuries
Euen of my Husband? Sir, forbeare I pray
My eares, or your owne tongue, I am no hous-wife
To heare my Husbands merrit thus deprau'd.
Subt.
His merrit is a halter by this light,
You thinke hee's out of Towne now, no such matter
But gone aside, and hath importun'd me
To trie your chastitie.
Wife.
It cannot be,
Alas he is as free from jealouzie,
And euer was as confidence it selfe,
I know he loues me to, too heartily
To be suspitious, or to proue my truth.
Subt.
If I doe faine in ought, ne're may I purchase
The grace I hope for, and faire Misteris
If you haue any spirit, or wit, or sence,
You will be euen with such a wretched slaue,
Heauen knowes I loue you, as the ayre I draw,
Thinke but how finely you may cuckold him,
And safely too, with me, who will report
To him, that you are most inuincible,
Your Chastitie not to be subdu'd by man.
Wife.
When you know, I'm a whore.
Subt.
A whore, fie, no,
That you haue beene kind, or so, your whore doth liue
In Pict-hatch, Turnebole-streete.
Wife.
Your whore liues there,
Well Seruant leaue me to my selfe a while,
Returne a-none, but beare this hope away,
T'shall be with you, if I at all doe stray.
Exit. Subtle.
Why heer's right wordly friendship, ye are well met;
Oh men! what are you? why is our poore sexe
Still made the disgrac't subiects, in these plaies?
For vices, follie and inconstancie?
When were men look't into with such criticall eies
Of obseruation, many would be found
So full of grosse and base corruption,
Could faine so badly, to expresse them truely;
Some wiues that had a husband now like mine,
Would yeeld their honors vp, to any man,
Farre be it from my thoughts, oh let me stand,
Thou God of marriage and chastitie,
An honor to my sexe, no iniurie,
Compell the vertue of my breast to yeeld,
I'ts not reuenge for any wife, to staine
The nuptiall bed, although she be yok't ill,
Who fals, because her husband so hath done,
Cures not his wound, but in her selfe makes one.
Ex. Wife.
Enter Ingen reading a letter, sits downe in a Chaire and stampes with his foote: to him a Seruant.
Ing.
Who brought this Letter?
Seru.
A little Irish foot-boy, Sir, he staies without for an
answere.
Ing.
Bid him come in Lord.
What deepe dissemblers are these females, all,
How farre vnlike a friend, this Ladie vs'd me,
And heere, how like one mad in loue, she writes:
Enter Maid like an Irish foot-boy with a dart, and gloues in bir pocket, and a handkercher.
So blesse me Heauen, but thou art the prettiest boy
That e're ran by a Horse, hast thou dwelt long
With thy faire Mistris?
Maid.
I came but this morning, Sir.
Ing.
How fares thy Ladie, boy?
Maid.
Like to a turtle, that hath lost her mate,
Drooping shee sits, her griefe Sir cannot speake,
Had it a voice articulate, we should know
How, and for what shee suffers; and perhaps,
(But t'is vnlikely) giue her Comfort Sir,
Weeping shee sits, and all the sound comes from her,
Is like the murmure of a siluer Brooke,
Which her teares truely, would make there about her,
Ing.
Beleeue me boy, thou hast a passionate tong,
Liuely expression, or thy memorie
Hath carried thy lesson well away,
But wherefore mournes thy Ladie?
Maid.
Sir, you know,
And would to God I did not know my selfe,
Ing.
Ah las, it cannot be for loue to me,
When last I saw her shee reuil'd me (boy)
With bitter'st words, and wish't me neuer more
To approch her sight, and for my marriage, now
I doe sustaine it, as a pennance, due
To the desert, that made her bannish me.
Maid.
Sir, I dare sweare, she did presume, no words
Nor dangers, had beene powerfull to restraine
Your comming to her, when she gaue the charge—
But are you married truely?
Ing.
Why my Boy?
Dost think I mock my selfe, I sent her gloues.
Maid.
The gloues she ha's return'd you Sir by me,
And praies you giue them to some other Ladie
That you'll deceiue next, and be periur'd to.
Sure you haue wrong'd her Sir, she bad me tell you,
She ne're thought goodnesse dwelt in many men,
But what there was of goodnesse in the world,
Shee thought you had it all, but now shee sees
The jewell she esteem'd is counterfeit
That, you are but a common man, your selfe,
A traitor to her, and her vertuous loue;
That all men are betraiers and their breasts
As full of dangerous gulphes, as is the Sea,
Where any woman thinking to finde Harbor,
Shee and her honor are præcipitated,
And neuer to be brought with safetie off:
Ah las my haplesse Ladie, desolate,
Distrest, forsaken Virgin.
Ing.
Sure this Boy
Is of an excellent nature, who so newly
As he and they were old familiar friends,
Why weep'st thou gentle Lad?
Maid.
Who hath one teare,
And would not sau't from all occasions,
From Brothers slaughters, and from mothers deaths
To spend it heere, for my distressed Ladie;
But Sir my Ladie did commaund me begg
To see your wife, that I may bare to her
The sad report, what creature could make you
Vntie the hand-fast plighted vnto her.
Enter his Brother like a woman maskt. Ingen kisses her.
Ingen.
Wife, wife, come forth-now Gentle boy, be iudge
If such a face as this being paid with scorne
By her I did adore, had not full power
To make me marrie.
Maid.
By the God of Loue,
Shees a faire Creature, but faith should be fairer.
My Ladie, Gentle Mistresse, one that thought
Shee had some intrest in this Gentleman,
(Who now is onelie yours) Commaunded me
To kisse your white hand, and to sigh and weepe,
And wish you that content she should haue had
In the fruition of her Loue you hold,
She bad me say, God giue you ioy, to both;
Yet this withall (if ye were married)
No one, her foot-steps euer more should meete,
Nor see her face, but in a winding sheete.
Brother.
Ahlas poore Ladie, 'faith I pittie her,
And, but to be i'th same state, could forgoe
Any thing I possesse, to ease her woe.
Maid.
Loues blessing light vpon thy gentle soule,
Men raile at women Mistris, but t'is we
Are false and cruell, ten times more vnkind,
You are smoother farre, and of a softer mind:
Sir, I haue one request more.
Ing.
Gentle Lad, It must be one of a strange qualitie
That I denie thee, both thy forme, and minde.
Than to betray thee to this present life.
Maid.
T'is, that you would vouchsafe to entertaine me,
My feete do tremble vnder me, to beare
My bodie back vnto my vncouth Ladie,
To assure her griefe; what heart so hard, would owe
A tongue, to tell so sad a tale to her?
Ahlas, I dare not looke vpon her eies,
Where wronged loue, sits like the Basilisque,
And sure would kill me for my dire report,
Or rather should not I appeare like death,
holding vp his dart.
When euery word I speak shot through her hart,
More mortallie than his vasparing dart.
Brother.
Let me speake for the Boy.
Ing.
To what end (loue?)
No, I will sue to him, to follow me,
Introth I loue thy sweet condition,
And may liue to informe thy Lady of thee;
Come in drie, drie thine eies, respit thy woe:
The effects of causes, crowne, or ouerthrow.
Enter Lo. Provd. Lo. Feesim. Wel-tri'd, Ma. Seldome, Widd. Bovld pinning in a Ruffe, Wife.
Proud.
S'light, what should be become of her, you sweare
she past not forth of dores, and i'th house she is not?
Widd.
Did you not see her Princox?
Proud.
This same Bawd has brought her letters from
some yonger brother, and she is stole away.
Bould.
Bawd, I defie you, indeed your Lordship thinkes,
you may make Bawds of whom you please, i'le take my oath
vpon a booke, since I met her in the necessarie house i'th
morning, I ne're set eye on her.
Grace.
Shee went not out of dores.
Proud.
Sure shee has an inuisible ring.
Feesi.
Marrie she's the honester woman, for some of their
rings are visible enough, the more shame for them, still say
I, let the pond at Islington be search't: goe to, there's more
aware of.
Proud.
Pish, you are a foole.
Welt.
S'hart call him foole againe.
Feesi.
By this light and I will, as soone as euer you haue
shew'd me the Swaggerers.
Wife.
Her clothes are all yonder my Lord.
Grace.
And euen those same she had on to day.
Proud.
Madam where is your Husband?
Wife.
Rid into the Countrie.
Feesi.
O' my conscience, rid into France with your sister.
Omnes.
Away, away for shame.
Feesi.
Why, I hope she is not the first Ladie that has run
away with other womens husbands.
Welt.
It may be shee's stolne out to see a play.
Proud.
Who should goe with her, man?
Wid.
Vpon my life you'll heare on her at Master Ingens
house, some loue past betwixt them, and we heard that he
was married to day, to another.
Proud.
S'hart, ile go see.
Welt.
Come to the Swaggerers.
Exeunt Feesi. Welt.
Feesi.
Mercy vpon me, a man or a—Lord now?
Omnes.
Heere's a quoile, with a Lord and his sister.
Wid.
Princox, hast not thou pin'd in that Ruffe yet, ah!
how thou fumblest.
Bould.
Troth Madam, I was ne're brought vp to it, t'is
Chamber-maids work, and I haue euer liu'd Gentlewoman.
And beene vs'd accordingly.
Exeunt.
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