 | The Honest Whore, With The Humours of the Patient Man, and the Longing Wife |  |
SCENA 7.
Enter Candido, his wife, George, and two Prentices in the shop: Fustigo enters, walking by.Geor.
See Gentlemen, what you lack? a fine Holland,
a fine Cambrick, see what you buy.
1. Pr.
Holland for shirts, Cambrick for bands, what ist you lack?
Fust.
Sfoot, I lack em all, nay more, I lack money to buy
em: let me see, let me looke agen: masse this is the shop;
What Coz! sweet Coz! how dost ifayth, since last night
after candlelight? we had good sport ifayth, had we not?
and when shals laugh agen?
Wi.
When you will, Cozen.
Fust.
Spoke like a kind Lacedemoniā: I see yonders thy husband.
Wi.
I, ther's the sweet youth, God blesse him.
Fust.
And how ist Cozen? & how? how ist thou squall?
Wi.
Well, Cozen, how fare you?
Fust.
How fare I? troth, for sixpence a meale, wench, as
wel as heart can wish, with Calues chaldrom and chitterlings,
besides I haue a Punck after supper, as good as a roasted Apple.
Cand.
Are you my wiues Cozen?
Fust.
A am, sir, what hast thou to do with that?
Cand.
O, nothing but y'are welcome.
The Deuils dung in thy teeth: Ile be welcom whether
thou wilt or no, I: What Ring's this Coz? very pretty
and fantasticall ifayth, lets see it.
Wife
Puh! nay you wrench my finger.
Fust.
I ha sworne Ile ha't, and I hope you wil not let my
othes be crackt in the ring, wil you? I hope, sir, you are not
mallicolly at this for all your great lookes: are you angry?
Cand.
Angry? not I sir, nay, if she can part
So easily with her Ring, tis with my heart.
Geo.
Suffer this, sir, & suffer all, a whoreson Gull, to—,
Can.
Peace, George, whē she has reapt what I haue sown,
Sheele say, one grayne tastes better of her owne,
Then whole sheaues gatherd from anothers land:
Wit's neuer good, till bought at a deare hand.
Geo.
But in the meane time she makes an Asse of some body.
2. Pren.
See, see, see, sir, as you turne your backe, they
doe nothing but kisse.
Cand.
No matter, let 'em: when I touch her lip,
I shall not feele his kisses, no nor misse
Any of her lip: no harme in kissing is.
Looke to your businesse, pray, make vp your wares.
Fust.
Troth Coz, and well remembred, I would thou
wouldst giue mee fiue yards of Lawne, to make my Punkt
some falling bands a the fashiō, three falling one vpon another:
for that's the new editiō now: she's out of linnen horribly
too, troth, sha's neuer a good smock to her back neyther,
but one that has a great many patches in't, & that I'm
faine to weare my selfe for want of shift to: prithee put me
into holesom napery, & bestow some cleane commodities
vpō vs.
Wife
Reach me those Cambricks, & the Lawnes
hither.
Cand.
What to doe wife? to lauish out my goods
vpon a foole?
Fust.
Foole! Sneales eate the foole, or Ile so batter your
crowne, that it shall scarce go for fiue shillings,
2. Pr.
Do you heare sir? y'are best be quiet, & say a foole tels you so.
Fust.
Nailes, I think so, for thou telst me.
Can.
Are you angry sir, because I namde the foole?
Trust me, you are not wise, in mine owne house;
If youle needs play the madman, choose a stage
Of lesser compasse, where few eyes may note
Your actions errour; but if still you misse,
As heere you doe, for one clap, ten will hisse.
Fust.
Zwounds Cozen, he talks to me, as if I were a scuruy
Tragedian.
2. pren.
Sirra George, I ha thought vpon a deuice, how to
breake his pate, beat him soundly, and ship him away.
Geor.
Doo't.
2 Pre.
Ile go in, passe thorow the house,
giue some of our fellow Prentices the watch-word when
they shal enter, then come & fetch my master in by a wile,
and place one in the hall to hold him in conference, whilst
we cudgell the Gull out of his coxcombe.
Geor.
Doo't: away, doo't.
Wife
Must I call twice for these Cambricks & lawnes?
Cand.
Nay see, you anger her, George, prithee dispatch.
2 pr.
Two of the choisest pieces are in the warehouse use sir.
Cand.
Go fetch them presently.
Exit 1. prentice.
Fust.
I, do, make haste, sirra.
Cand.
Why were you such a stranger all this while,
being my wiues Cozen?
Fust.
Stranger? no sir, I me a natural Millaner borne.
Can.
I perceyue still it is your naturall guize to mistake
me, but you are welcom sir, I much wish your acquaintāce.
Fust.
My acquaintance? I scorne that ifayth; I hope my
acquaintance goes in chaines of gold three and fifty times
double: you know who I meane, Coz, the posts of his gate
are a paynting to.
Enter the 2. Prentice.
2. Pren.
Signior Pandulfo the Marchāt desires conference
with you.
Can.
Signior Pandulfo? Ile be with him straight.
Attend your mistris and the Gentleman.
Exit.
Wife
When do you shew those pieces?
Fust.
I, when doe you shew those pieces?
Omn.
Presently sir, presently, we are but charging thē.
Fust.
Come sirra, you Flat-cap, where be these whites?
Geo.
Flat-cap? heark in your eare sir, yare a flat foole, an
Asse, a gull, & Ile thrum you: do you see this cambrick sir?
Sfoot Coz, a good iest, did you heare him? he told
me in my eare, I was a flat foole, an Asse, a Gull, and Ile
thrumb you: doe you see this Cambrick sir?
Wi.
What, not my men, I hope?
Fust.
No, not your men, but one of your men ifayth.
1. Pr.
I pray sir, come hither, what say you to this? here
an excellent good one.
Fust.
I marry, this likes me well, cut me off some halfe score yards.
2. Pr.
Let your whores out, yare an impudent coxcomb,
you get none, & yet Ile thrum you. A very good Cambrick sir.
Fust.
Agen, agen, as God iudge me: Sfoot, Coz, they
stand thrūming here with me all day, & yet I get nothing.
1. Pr.
A word I pray sir, you must not be angry, prentices
haue hote blouds, young fellowes, What say you to this
piece? looke you, tis so delicate, so soft, so euen, so fine a
thrid, that a Lady may weare it.
Fust.
Sfoot I thinke so, if a Knight marry my Punck, a
Lady shall weare it: cut me off 20. yards: th'art an honest lad.
1. Pr.
Not without mony, gull, & ile thrū you to.
Omn.
Gull, weele thrum you.
Fust.
O Lord, sister, did you not heare something cry
thrum? zounds your men here make a plaine Asle of me.
Wi.
What, to my face so impudent?
Geor.
I, in a cause so honest, weele not suffer
Our masters goods to vanish monylesse.
Wife
You will not suffer them.
2. Pr.
No, and you may blush,
In going about to vex so mild a brest,
As is our masters.
Wi.
Take away those pieces.
Cozen, I giue them freely.
Fust.
Masse, and Ile take em as freely.
Om.
Weele make you lay em down agen more freely.
Wi.
Help, help, my brother wilbe murdered.
Enter Can.
Cand.
How now, what coyle is here? forbeare, I say.
Geor.
He cals vs Flatcaps, and abuses vs.
Can.
Why, sirs? do such examples flow from me?
Wi.
They are of your keeping sir, alas poore brother.
I fayth they ha pepperd me, sister: looke, doost not
spin? call you these Prentices? Ile nere play at cards more
whē clubs is trump: I haue a goodly coxcomb, sister, haue I not?
Cand.
Sister and brother, brother to my wife.
Fust.
If you haue any skill in Heraldry, you may soone
know that, break but her pate, and you shal see her blood
and mine is all one.
Can.
A Surgeon, run, a Surgeon: Why then wore you
that forged name of Cozen?
Fust.
Because its a common thing to call Coz, and mingle
now adayes all the world ouer.
Cand.
Cozen! A name of much deceyt, folly and sin,
For vnder that common abused word,
Many an honest tempred Cityzen
Is made a monster, and his wife traynd out
To foule adulterous action, full of fraud,
I may well call that word, A Cities Bawd.
Fust.
Troth, brother, my sister would needs ha me take
vpon me to gull your patience a little: but it has made
double Gules on my coxcomb.
Wife
What, playing the woman? blabbing now you foole?
Cand.
O, my wife did but exercise a iest vpon your wit.
Fust.
Sfoot, my wit bleeds for't, me thinks.
Cand.
Then let this warning more of sence afford.
The name of Cozen is a bloudy word.
Fust.
Ile nere call Coz agen whilst I liue, to haue such
a coyle about it: this should be a Coronation day; for my
head runnes Claret lustily.
Exit.
Enter an Officer.
Can.
Go with the Surgeon to haue great respect.
How now, my friend, what, do they sit to day?
Off.
Yes sir, they expect you at the Senate-house.
Can.
I thāk your paines, Ile not be last man there.
Exit Off.
My gowne, George, goe, my gowne. A happy land,
Where graue men meet each cause to vnderstand,
Whose consciences are not cut out in brybes,
To gull the poore mans right: but in euen scales,
Peize rich & poore, without corruptions veyles.
Come, wheres the gowne?
Ge.
I cannot find the key sir.
Cand.
Request it of your mistris.
Come not to me for any key.
Ile not be troubled to deliuer it.
Cand.
Good wife, kind wife, it is a needfull trouble,
but for my gowne.
Wife
Mothes swallow downe your gowne:
you set my teeth an edge with talking on't.
Cand.
Nay prythee, sweet, I cannot meet without it,
I should haue a great fine set on my head.
Wife
Set on your coxcomb: tush, fine me no fires.
Can.
Beleeue me (sweet) none greets the Senate-house,
without his Robe of reuerence, that's his Gowne.
Wife
Wel, then y'are like to crosse that custome once,
You get nor key, nor gowne, and so depart:
This trick will vexe him sure, and fret his heart.
Exit.
Cand.
Stay, let me see, I must haue some deuice,
My cloke's too short: fy, fy, no cloke will doo't:
It must be something fashioned like a gowne,
With my armes out: oh George, come hither George,
I prythee lend me thine aduice.
Geor.
Troth sir, were it any but you, they would break open chest.
Cand.
O no, breake open chest! thats a Theeues office:
Therein you counsell me against my bloud:
'Twould shew impatience that, any meeke meanes
I would be glad to imbrace. Masse I haue got it:
Go, step vp, fetch me downe one of the Carpets,
The saddest colourd Carpet, honest George,
Cut thou a hole ith middle for my necke,
Two for mine armes, nay prithee looke not strange.
Geor.
I hope you doe not thinke sir, as you meane.
Cand.
Prithee about it quickly, the houre chides me:
Warily George, softly, take heed of eyes,
Exit George.
Out of two euils hee's accounted wise,
That can picke out the least; the Fine imposde
For an vn-gowned Senator, is about
Forty Cruzadoes, the Carpet not 'boue foure.
Thus haue I chosen the lesser euill yet,
Preseru'd my patience, foyld her desperate wit.
Geor.
Here, sir, heer's the Carpet.
Enter George.
O well done, George, weele cut it iust ith midst:
Tis very well I thanke thee, helpe it on.
Ge.
It must come ouer your head, sir, like a wenches peticoate.
Cand.
Th'art in the right, good George, it must indeed.
Fetch me a nightcap: for Ile gyrd it close,
As if my health were queazy: 'twill show well
For a rude carelesse night-gowne, wil't not thinkst?
Ge.
Indifferent wel, sir, for a night-gowne, being girt & pleated.
Cand.
I, and a night-cap on my head.
Ge.
Thats true sir, Ile run & fetch one, & a staffe.
Exit Ge.
Cand.
For thus they cannot chuse but conster it,
One that is out of health, takes no delight,
Weares his apparell without appetite,
And puts on heedles rayment without for me.
Enter Geo.
So so, kind George, be secret now: & prithee do not laugh
at me till Ime out of sight.
Geo.
I laugh? not I sir.
Cand.
Now to the Senate-house:
Me thinks, Ide rather weare, without a frowne,
A patient Carpet, then an angry Gowne.
Exit.
Ge.
Now looks my M. iust like one of our carpet knights,
only hee's somwhat the honester of the two.
Enter Candidoes wife.
Wi.
What, is your master gone?
Geo.
Yes forsooth, his backe is but new turnd.
Wi.
And in his cloke? did he not vexe and sweare?
Geor.
No, but heele make you sweare anon: no indeed,
hee went away like a lambe.
Wife
Key sinke to hell: still patient, patient still!
I am with child to vexe him: prythee George,
If ere thou lookst for fauour at my hands,
Vphold one Iest for me.
Geor.
Against my master?
Wi.
Tis a me ere iest in fayth: say, wilt thou doo't?
Geor.
Well, what ist?
Wi.
Heere, take this key, thou knowst where all things lie,
Put on thy masters best apparell, Gowne,
Chayne, Cap, Ruffe, euery thing, be like himselfe,
And 'gainst his comming home, walke in the shop,
Fayne the same cariage, and his patient looke,
'Twill breed but a iest thou knowst, speake, wilt thou?
Geor.
'Twill wrong my masters patience.
Prythee George.
Geor.
Well, if youle saue me
harmlesse, and put me vnder couert barne, I am content to
please you, prouided it may breed no wrong against him.
Wi.
No wrong at all: here take the Key, be gone:
If any vex him, this: if not this, none
Exeunt.
| The Honest Whore, With The Humours of the Patient Man, and the Longing Wife | |