University of Virginia Library

ACT I.

SCENE I.

—The Cave of Kabyla, the Lady of the Woods. Roots of trees interlace each other and form a wild and fanciful ceiling; six rudely-formed human figures occupy the side of the scene. Kabyla discovered at a fantastic dressing table making her toilet; a bed with crimson hangings in flat; Cuimoth and Zontoma attending her. As the curtain rises, a Wild Music.
Kab.
How do I look?

Zon.
Oh! lovely as a queen,
Though your complexion seems a shade too green;
This new cosmetic which I bought in town,
Will tone its verdure delicately down. (applies wash)


[During this dialogue, the Attendants of Kabyla are very obsequious.
Cui.
(brushing Kabyla's hair)
Your hair my lady's getting rather dry,
Some of the Russian balsam shall I try?

Kab.
Well, p'rhaps you may—yet no—upon the whole,
Anything Russian's hurtful to the Pole;
The very thought my nervous system shocks,
O! would that mine were like Chubb's—safety locks!
Should I turn grey, I'd bid the world good bye,

Zon.
If you turn grey it would be time to dye.

Kab.
Hast done?

Cui.
I've given the concluding frizzle,

Kab.
Then all of you except Zontamo mizzle.
[Exeunt all except Zontoma and Kabyla, R.
Come hither; look, Zontoma, in my face,
You've been now near a twelvemonth in your place,
Say, can I trust you?

Zon.
Wages overdue
Will prove, my lady, that I've trusted you.

Kab.
Good girl, your sly reproof is rather just,
We will be quits, I'll give you trust for trust.
Now to my tale—

Zon.
Is it a long affair?

Kab.
'Tis fifteen years—

Zon.
La! ma'am, pray take a chair.

[Retires up. Kalyba takes out pocket glass, Zontoma places chair, C. During the above, the curtains of bed, L., are drawn aside and St. George pops out his head.
St. Geo.
This ain't my nursery, that's not old nurse,
I'll listen—they're beginning to converse.

Kab.
Attend, Zontoma, unto what I say;
'Tis fifteen years ago this very day,
I from his mother took an infant son,

(appears affected)
Zon.
Why that's a thing, my lady, daily done.
The law allows it—

Kab.
True, and so in fact
I did but carry out a certain act.
It was St. George I stole when he was teething,

St. Geo.
And I'm St. George! by George it stops my breathing.
I must have had a very lengthy doze,
I'm vastly grown, that fact my clothes disclose.

Kab.
Upon this boy his parents fondly doated,

St. Geo.
(aside)
Well, mi! I've been excessively short coated.

Kab.
To-day the spell which binds him I must break,

St. Geo.
I feel that I'm already wide awake.

Zon.
What made you steal the boy?

Kab.
(rises)
You're very green,
Old maids lead apes in—you know where I mean.
My lease is out to-day, should I not marry
I'm claimed at twelve o'clock by ancient Harry!
This young St. George must fall in love with me,
Having no other woman met you see.

Zon.
That you may say, without appearing vain,

Kab.
I think I'm very clear—

St. Geo.
You're very plain.

Kab.
Those senseless blocks of stone, unhappy wights,
(rises)
I think you know all in their days were knights;
I loved them all, but they were stone to me,
And so I petrified them as you see.
My final chance on young St. George I stake—
Be thou unmesmerised—St. George, awake!

[Music. The curtains draw aside and discovers St. George, who affects to be asleep and afterwards to awake. St. George comes forward; he wears a frock and trowsers with a coral hung round his neck.
St. Geo.
(L. aside)
How to proceed, I'm sure I'm puzzled quite,

Kab.
(aside)
The pretty darling loves me at first sight;
My maiden heart no longer can withstand
Those looks of love, so Georgy, there's my hand.

St. Geo.
I must dissemble, for I freely own
I've no desire to be done in stone. (takes her hand)

I'm yours, sweet maid, but still I needs must tarry,
Is this a dress for “one about to marry?”

Kab.
(produces a wand)
You see this little wand, a perfect treasure,
Which can produce cheap clothing without measure.

[Music. She touches St. George; his dress strips and shews him in a splendid suit of armour. Zontoma places a helmet on his head, and girds on the sword, &c.
Kab.
Thus armed, thro' ev'ry danger you may pass,

St. Geo.
I feel as bold as London's ‘man in brass.’ (crosses to R.)


Kab.
(points off R.)
You see those horses, either you may own,
They once belonged to yonder knights of stone;

St. Geo.
Could you the horses and their riders spare
They're sadly wanted in Trafalgar Square:
The place at present looks extremely queer,
What you would call a pig with but one ear.

Kab.
Yon living charger I design for thee
If you'll consent at once to marry me.

St. Geo.
I do consent, so that you don't object
To grant what modern husbands now expect.

Kab.
Of course, my love! What may your wishes be?

St. Geo.
Oh! a cigar in-doors, and a latch key!

Kab.
The former is a secondary matter,
But there's a deal of mischief in the latter.
Latch keys cause men without restraint to roam;
For there's no knowing when they do get home.
Now then to lunch.

[Music. Strikes rock, R. It opens and shews a redhot room.
St. Geo.
Dear me! How very odd!
Allow me to inspect that wondrous rod.
[Kabyla gives it to him.
It beats Herr Döbler's conjurations hollow.

Kab.
Herr Döbler! Fiddlestick! Come, George!

St. Geo.
I'll follow.

[Music. As Kabyla enters, St. George strikes rock. It closes. Most discordant music heard.
St. Geo.
And now, I think, your ladyship is done.
[Chains fall. Noises, St. George waves wand.
Silence that dreadful rock, Harmonicon.
[Noise ceases.
These finished gentlemen must quit this place.
[Raps one of the figures with the wand; it sounds like stone.
One can't imagine well a harder case.

[Music. St. George touches each figure. Gong. The Six Champions of Christendom appear, and by action express their gratitude. The scene changes at the same time to
THE BRAZEN PILLAR NEAR COVENTRY.

There are your horses, six in number; count 'em;
So quiet that an alderman might mount 'em.
These seven roads, a sort of seven dials,
Will lead you to your several knightly trials!
And when again we altogether meet,
We follow him who boasts the greatest feat.
Are you agreed, Sir Knights?

Knights.
We are, we are.

St. Geo.
Then just one glass of grog and a cigar
Before we part: I own I love the weed.

Kni.
And I. And I.

St. Geo.
Then for the road.

Omnes.
Agreed.

SONG.—ST. GEORGE.
Air—“Hurrah for the road.”
Hurrah! on horseback, off we goes!
Hurrah! the world we will scour;
And if each knight but follows his nose,
We shall do it in half an hour.
So arm in arm we'll go down the street,
Where our coursers are bestow'd,
And the instant we our lunch complete
Then hurrah! hurrah! for the road.

[Exeunt R. and L.

SCENE III.

—Memphis. A throne on L. side. Enter dancers, preceding Ptolemy. Princess Sabra and Court from C. Cymbals, drums, Cannon, &c.
Pto.
Silence! What! can't my majesty walk out,
But after me you raise this horrid rout?
Upon my daughter's nerves I'm sure it jars:
The soldiers all seem bravos or hussars.

Sab.
You're right papa; I dread the cannon's roar:
'Tis the old dose, “the powder, as before.”
A princess now, no matter if it suits her,
Can't move, but some artillery man salutes her.

[Guns, Trumpets, &c.
Enter Messenger, C.
Pto.
Those guns again! (to Messenger.)
Well, Mister! where's the joke?

Mes.
Morocco's king is coming through the smoke.

Pto.
Morocco's king! Oh, how delightful is it
To see two sovereigns one another visit!
And you, my love! are you, too, not delighted,
That the black king should come here unin-whited.

Sab.
I've not the least anxiety to greet him;
He's nothing but black looks for all who meet him.

Mes.
Most beauteous princess! from my master this is.

[gives a letter, and retires.
Sab.
[Shews letter, on which are two large red patches.
How dare he with the wax make two large kisses.
[Opens letter, and shews a black heart with an arrow in it.
What's this? A valentine! He writes in vain;
His doggrel verses not one point contain.
But there's a rule commanded by his betters,
That nothing pointed must be sent in letters.
With one I lov'd, I'd share a second floor;
But I've a horror of a blackymoor.

Pto.
He's rich and liberal, Miss, I understand:
The nigger deals not with a niggard hand.

[Music. During which enter Almidor and train.
Pto.
I bid you welcome, tell me how do you do?

Alm.
I'm Robertish or Bobbish, how are you?
And you my princess, (one offers to take his banjo)

Thank you, you're too good,

Sab.
(aside)
I'd look as black as he does if I could.

Alm.
To you, dear Miss, I sent a billet doux,
My heart you saw there skewered thro' and thro'.
Accept my hand, which here I offer plump,
My hand includes a heart, and that's a trump.

Sab.
I'm flattered by the preference you show,
But to your offer I must answer, no!

Alm.
The presents you've received—

Sab.
Sir, if you'll call,
They'll be left for you in the porter's hall.

SONG.—Almidor.
Air.—“My heart with love is beating.”
My heart with love is beating,
Like Drummer-boys at drill;
And though with coldness meeting,
It keeps tattooing still.
My prospects, Miss, are fairish;
I make my subjects pay.
I swear to “love and cherish,”
If you will say “obey.”

[Trumpet.] Enter St. George, C.
Pto.
A stranger! if to you 'tis all the same,
I'll thank you to oblige me with your name.

St. Geo.
My name's St. George—

Pto.
Indeed! whence do you come?

Alm.
That is, who are you when you are at home?

St. Geo.
Dear England, sire, I quitted to come here,

Alm.
Dear England! yes, I've heard it's rather dear!

Pto.
Why did you leave it?

St. Geo.
I can scarcely say.

Alm.
(sneeringly)
The income tax he didn't want to pay;

St. Geo.
If that I would elude, it's very plain
To England I must ne'er go back again.

Alm.
Nay, there's no knowing, wonders never end!
For Pennsylvania's paid a dividend.
I've also heard—don't let it be repeated,
The bridge at Hungerford will be completed.

Sab.
(aside)
I think that saint's a very charming fellow,
[Sees Almidor watching her angrily.
Ho! ho! King Blacky there is getting yellow.

Pto.
I hope your stay in Egypt won't be short,
If fond of sporting, we can show you sport.
If you would build we'll grant you ground on lease.

St. Geo.
I thank you—we've enough of absentees.

[St. George points to Sabra.
Alm.
Zounds! at the Princess he presumes to point,
Dares he to put a King's nose out of joint.

St. Geo.
Who is that lovely creature in the corner,
The Graces have united to adorn her.

Pto.
The lady you admire, sir, is my daughter,

St. Geo.
Ah! she returns my glance, by George, I've caught her.

Sab.
I've made a conquest! (to Audience)
does'nt he look killing?

[St. George kisses his hand to her.
Alm.
(to Audience)
Well, did you ever see a saucier villain.

Pto.
Let some one blow a trumpet! That will do,
[Two obey.
I said some one—now some one don't mean two.
(sits)
In honor of our guests, great Egypt's King
Will pardon everybody, everything!

[Omnes shout.
Pto.
Come speak! don't let our royal mercy wait—

[The Chancellor of the Exchequer kneels.
Cha.
I've done a grievous wrong, sire, to the state.

Pto.
Our Chancellor of the Exchequer! well—

Alm.
(aside)
If he's like mine, he'll have enough to tell.

Cha.
I have been paying, sire, for money lent—

Pto.
How much, sir, speak?

Cha.
Why, forty-five per cent.

Pto.
What borrow! when you've subjects, sir, to tax!

Alm.
Oh! that's a question which I often ax;
My treasury ne'er a surplus has to brag on,

Pto.
(shaking Chancellor)
Who dared to take this interest?

Cha.
Sire, the Dragon.

Omnes.
The Dragon!

[Private Secretary kneels.
Pto.
What, my own Secretary! don't shake and shiver,
But what you have to say, stand and deliver.
What hast thou done?

P. Sec.
I've given a permission
To any one to practice as physician;
And poisons being sold in box and flaggon,
By a quack doctor—

Alm.
Who's the quack? the Dragon.

Omnes.
The Dragon!

Pto.
(as Privy Purse kneels)
More to be pardoned! This is worse and worse.
Why, who is this? Aha! my Privy Purse!

Alm.
(aside to Ptolemy)
Take my advice, and never trust your riches
Out of the pockets of your royal—small clothes.

Pto.
Your majesty will please to cease this raillery.
(To Privy Purse)
What have you done?

P. Purse.
I've lost my quarter's salary.

Pto.
Ha! ha!
Is that the worst, old boy, you have to tell?

P. Purse.
Oh, no! I've lost your majesty's as well!

Pto.
How lost it? Varlet, speak! or, dash my wig
I'll call police.

P. Purse.
Great sire, at thimble rig.

Pto.
Proceed! At other times you fast can mag on.
Whom did you play with? Ah! I see—the Dragon.

Omnes.
The Dragon?

Ptol.
I'll hear no more. This Dragon must be slaughter'd.
(rises)
Where hangs he out?

Alm.
He must be somewhere quartered.

St. Geo.
That task be mine, sire, by your kind permission.

Pto.
You've seen him?

St. Geo.
At the Chinese exhibition.

P. Min.
To ask fair Sabra's hand he vows he'll come.

Sab.
The brute! I'd rather marry Thomas Thumb.

P. Min.
Then the state's bankrupt, Ma'am!

Alm.
Let the state be—
Hum! for the rest see Walker, letter D—.

Pto.
I'll not be treated in this shameful manner.
What ho! A paint brush, and a snow-white banner
(Music. They are brought. He writes.)
My royal daughter's hand I offer down,
And in addition to it half-a-crown.

[A banner exhibited on which is written, “Half-a-crown and the Princess Sabra's hand to him. who does the Dragon!”
Alm.
What, only half-a-crown! That's rather mean.

Pto.
'Tis Egypt's half crown, when my daughter's queen.
I make this offer unto any one
By whom the Dragon shall be fairly done,

St. Geo.
The lady's hand sure prize enough will be—

(about to take Sabra's hand)
Alm
(interferes)
Hollo! young man, you'll take that after me.

DUETT.
St. George and Almidor.
St. Geo.
I'll thank you to mention, if 'tis your intention,
In that lady's affection my rival to be?
For if it is, sir, I'll only say this, sir,
Consider you're horsewhipp'd this moment by me.

Alm.
The lady has taste, sir, she'll ne'er be disgraced, sir,
By wedding with one who's so horridly vain.
So pray, sir, take warning, or else, some fine morning,
'Twill be pistols for two, so don't do it again.

Both.
Dont, &c.

[At the end of the Duett the people rush on in great alarm, crying out—“The Dragon!”
Pto.
Why has this sudden outcry, pray, arisen?

P. Purse.
The Dragon, sire, will put us all in prison.

Alm.
You're safe enough, and that on legal grounds,
If all your debts are under twenty pounds.

[A noise is heard without. Gong, &c. And enter Dragon. All crowd together in fear, excepting St. George.
Dra.
Insolent crew! Well may ye run away!
That which you owe me wherefore don't ye pay?
The mildest Dragon 'tis enough to vex,
I hold your bills returned—your unpaid cheques.
(to Privy Purse)
The only terms on which I offer quarter,
Is money down, or else your monarch's daughter.

Alm.
You'll find a prior claimant, sir, in me,
I'm in possession as the mortgagee.

Dra.
Sir, your pretensions are of no avail,
For I can boast a tenancy in tail;
And I'm entitled in another manner,
I'll even take my stand upon the banner.

St. Geo.
Pooh! pooh! the offer's made to any one,
By whom the Dragon shall be fairly done.

Dra.
That's an achievement I alone can brag on,
I claim the prize, 'tis I that does the Dragon.

Alm.
The lovely maid was never made for you.

Dra.
What! dare you brave me?

[They swagger.
Dra., Alm.
Cock-a-doodle-doo!

FINALE.

Dragon, Almidor, St. George, and Chorus.
I'll soon let you see
Your bragging's no go, sir;
You shall pay for this raly,
Altho' you're so scaly.

Dra.
As sure as I'm scaly
I'll lay ten to one, sir,
I'll soon make it clear,
That, like Mister Ferguson,
You don't lodge here.

Chorus repeated.