The Amazoniad Or, Figure and Fashion: A Scuffle in High Life. With Notes Critical and Historical, Interspersed with Choice Anecdotes of Bon Ton. Second Edition, with Additions [by J. W. Croker] |
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| 2. | SECOND CANTO. |
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 | The Amazoniad |  |
SECOND CANTO.
ARGUMENT.
INVOCATION—Doctor Y—.—His condescesstion and pious resignation in coming to this Country— Irruption of the Goths and Vandals into the Castle—They are chaced away by the prowess of Sir Charles, a gentle Knight—The Poet regrets the disgrace of some distinguished Characters—Rejoicings for the Victory—The Court determines to go to the Theatre—Catalogue of the Party and Order of their going—Company in the Boxes described—Battle commences—The military skill of Dennira commended— Her wise precaution in taking possession of the field of Battle in the disputed Box at the first opening of the Box Doors—Judicious disposition of her forces— Determined hostility of both Parties—Philothemis commences the attack—Great uproar.
The Blade of spirit, and the lively Belle,
To all the lounging, simp'ring, idle Crew,
That yawn and languish still for something new,
Or gape, like Oysters, in the Tide of Time,
For what it brings, the Author sends his Rhyme.—
Think not, dear Ladies, think not, gentle Squires,
That malice prompts him, or resentment fires;
Nor, while he paints, by wand'ring Fancy led,
Apply the Cap to any private Head;
Like wise Ulysses he for knowledge strayed,
And various Scenes and Characters survey'd.
Tho' living forms imagination warm,
Beshrew my heart if I intend you harm!
I seize the Harp, I call the ready Muse,
What Bard a Theme so tempting could refuse?
What Knights and Sages, from Britannia borne,
What peerless Dames a Russell's Court adorn!
See the Green Cloth forgotten cates expand.
On Castle Guard, to chear the Captain's toil,
And light each Ensign's features, with a smile.
While courteous Knights I consecrate to fame
And sing the triumphs of each courtly Dame.
Dear to the sovereign of the tuneful nine,
His sapient ear, may letter'd Y**** incline.
Could my poor Muse, like thee, O! Y****s indite
At once prescriptions and addresses write,
I should not then, thro' many a street and lane,
With strolling minstrels pour an abject strain:
My song might hope to reach a viceroy's ear,
Smooth chaplains sing, and future bishops hear.
Grac'd with square cap, and aldermanic gown,
In solemn token of thy twofold station,
High plac'd in P*an's hall, and corporation:
Oh, could he light, like F**ns, his visage up,
And tinge his features in a double cup;
For thee the poet to the pipe should dance.
Mean time from us, indulgent sage, receive
Such humble honours as the land may give:
Thrice welcome from the joys that Bedford yields,
To deep potations and potatoe fields:
Thrice welcome, to the land of drizzling fogs,
Bulls, blunders, Galilœans, and mad dogs.
Oh pious soul, in meek submission, he
Bows to high heaven's omnipotent decree:
Oh say, what station shall his wand'rings close?
In what snug corner shall his age repose?
Whether his talents Providence may call,
To shine the ranger of Lock Hospital;
Or president of Digital collection.
For thee the College honours due prepare,
Install thee high in their professor's chair;
Diplomas they in pill-boxes bestow,
And hemlock garlands wreath, to crown thy brow.
For thee, they meditate such civic feast,
As sons of Pœan only can digest:
For thee, with castor oil, their sallads brew,
With asafœtida enrich the stew:
With manna, squills, they mix nectarious hoard,
And draughts of ether circle round the board.
For thee, mephitic gas in clouds shall roll,
And vital air shall impregnate the bowl:
For thee ****** but turn my muse, recount the fray,
The ladies chide thee for thy long delay.
Vandals, and Alans, Lombards, Goths, and Huns;
Delicious climes invite the savage mind;
They come like locusts, warping on the wind.
An uncouth deluge o'er the castle spread,
A desperate Town Clerk these invaders led:
Grocers and cooks were there, a rabble rout,
With sturdy vintners, as their liquor stout;
There fierce attornies struck with wild affright
The peer insolvent and the bankrupt knight;
For Castle suppers they so keen were set,
Ev'n cutlers came, their appetite to whet.
Not more tumultuous take their noisy way
Voters to hustings, on election day.
With greater rage the Poddle never rose,
With filth and foam redundant as it goes,
And swept the cates and delicates away.
The Castle dames in tender accents moan'd,
The Castle chaplains in the spirit groaned.
Then bold Sir C*****s was roused with holy zeal,
The wounded honour of the state to feel;
Sir C*****s, distinguish'd for equestrian feat,
From horsemanship yet aching in his seat;
For there had Y**** his healing hand apply'd,
And loss of skin, diachylon supply'd
Not greater zeal the christian knight inflam'd
At Acre, when the Corsican he tam'd.
Th' enchanted spear he seized with puissant hand,
And drove th' unhallow'd crew from holy land.
Some that ev'n regal drawing-rooms had grac'd.
Merchants themselves are chac'd incongruous thought,
From scenes where thousands have been sold and bought.
Accomplish'd Scriv'ner, is thy worth unknown?
Art thou excluded? let the Viceroy look,
Mark thine establishment, thy Gallic cook.
'Tis piteous, Oh! thee G******th I bewail.—
Are brilliant buckles then of no avail?
Thy mein so sweet, demeanour so polite,
Thy wig so flaxen, and thy face so white!
Dress and address like thine might well comport
With silken circles in the crowded court.
Ev'n F****ng was rejected, form'd by fate,
A Tuscan column to sustain the state;
Th' attorney's pen is with a laurel twin'd!
He bids discordant aims in one agree,
Captain, philosopher, and agent he:
Now great tactician marches to the Park,
Now, like Sir Isaac, solves some problem dark,
Now lifts his eye to count the starry host,
Now pores discreetly on a bill of cost:
The range of science there his cares enlarge,
He swells the catalogue, augments the charge.
Trophies are rais'd, the vaulted roofs rebound:
And while the victors revell'd in delight,
A galaxy of lamps emblaz'd the night.
In solemn pomp, their triumphs to declare,
Now, for the theatre the crowd prepare.
Say, Muse, their names then known, who first, who last,
To Crow-Street, with the Castle Spectre past.
Brings with him “airs from heav'n and blasts from hell.”
Pale tho' he glares, yet him you never meet
Burst from his cerements in a winding sheet.
Nor yet with saucer eye the crowd he daunts,
In silks and sattins drawing-rooms he haunts.
His wardrobe lilac velvets can afford,
The star-bright buttons, and the studded sword;
Far other weeds than deck the shadowy host,
Or furnish out the toilet of a Ghost:
With plumage nodding, and with fans display'd,
The gay seducer led the cavalcade.
When thro' the streets his daily walk he takes,
Each female heart with tender tumult akes,
The Balconies are throng'd with fond delight,
And ladies call the youth the pavement knight.
A coat of blazon on his back he bears.
Then came Sir C******, by nature form'd in sport,
The harmless Zany of a merry court.
O heav'n-taught chamberlain, so born and bred,
With grace to light the ladies up to bed;
To see their secrets with no tell-tale eye;
Lay on their rouge, and their cosmetics buy:
Some forty birth-days added let him see,
And what Polonius was, shall V***** be.
Next good Sir G*****, ordained Sir C******'s aid,
In doing nothing, (as by Teague 'tis said).
In second childhood, of a green old age,
In years like Nestor, but not quite as sage.
His own anility of ceaseless noise.
There H--- was found, from the seraglio drawn
By love of Novelty and love of Lawn.
No fairer youth the Bosphorus survey'd,
No fairer youth with Saint Sophia stray'd;
Soft was his speech, seducing were his airs,
Most meet for bedchambers or state affairs.
His predecessor was no vulgar Scot,
Called from the Castle to a fairer lot,
With thrifty grace the lawn unstain'd to keep,
Saint Peter fed, but L****** shears his sheep.
Cares truly pastoral his mind employ,
Fines to demand and tenants to destroy;
To plant potatoes, watch and ward maintain;
For sleep is murder'd thro' the fair domain:
Should midnight prowlers sacrilege commit,
With bell and book he'll send them to the pit.
And warriors arm'd protect the hallow'd ground.
C*******h, entitled by paternal strain,
To tell th' Exchequer, nor to tell in vain,
Was there, more proud of Ensign's novel rank,
Than were he made Director of the Bank.
Next M******* who bewails, with tearful eye,
That dying Prelates will not wholly die.
May'st thou no second disappointment know,
But live to bury Limerick or Raphoe:
Then might'st thou shine in mitred carriage borne,
And grace lawn sleeves, as thee lawn sleeves adorn.
Intent to seize our blunders as they rise,
The vanity, the stupid admiration,
And aukward flattery, of our foolish nation;
And food purvey for hourly ridicule,
From tones and gestures of each Irish fool.
Now simp'ring, now with sly sardonic grin,
That spoke the movements of contempt within,
Came S--- F--- tempting to the view,
Of Sphynx the features, with an Æthiop's hue.
A bouncing charmer, fit to deal with man,
And wrestle fairly on the Spartan plan.
With these a bevy of alluring Dames,
'Twould ask a Maro's muse to sing their names.
Cornets and Chaplains, shallow, pert and vain,
The living lumber of a Viceroy's train.
All these and more in state to Crow-Street haste,
The swinish many wonder'd as they past:
They had not seen a cavalcade so gay;
Henchmen, and Pages, Footmen all a-row,
With gentlemen at large, a goodly show;
Coaches and chariots, gorgeous liveries,
Oh 'twas a sight to rennovate sore eyes.
In every Box, above, below, around,
Beauty and fashion, all was fair and fine,
The muslins flutter and the jewels shine.
Some of the Names the muses can rehearse,
The rest to mem'ry dead, are lost to verse.
There like horn'd beetle, **** they spy,
With sharp proboscis and with staring eye.
Bulky and huge, beside her sate my Lord,
With chops yet wat'ring from the sumptuous board.
Large as some porpoise cast upon the strand,
Or Tityus stretching o'er a length of land.
A slobbering bib around his neck was dight,
Drops to receive, that savoury smells excite.
Behold their hope, the C***** too advance,
With arts of dress, imported new France.
No youth exists of base or noble race,
So nice a judge of muslin and of lace.
No youth a neck-cloth ties with air so smart,
But dear he purchased that important art.
On Gallic shores a Virtuoso taught,
The precious secret fifty Pieces bought.
Her Cards awhile fair M---h resigns
And ancient J--- from the Austrian lines,
And fam'd in annals of the four great Kings.
With air affected, and with soften'd tone,
She too was there with spirit all her own,
Who lisps invectives with so mild an air,
The bitter words might seem a lover's prayer:
Who twice a wife, and yet almost a maid,
By foolish trust in outward form betray'd;
To lose at cards, the memory contrives,
Of short discomforts matrimony gives.
And buxom *****, with a jolly grace,
Beside her sister shows a lion face.
And homely M***n lab'ring to support
Th' imposing airs that suit a place at Court;
To chace the goody from her air and gait
For statesmen's wives should ever keep their state.
For ten Olympiads from the sun conceal'd.
Silks, velvets, tabbinets, were all display'd,
Points, lace, fringe, embroidery, and brocade.
All hues that in a bed of tulips glow,
And garments more than Monmouth-Street can show.
Raptur'd he gaz'd—joy elevates his crest—
A lively dress he singled from the rest.
Pea-green the coat—the vest was saxon blue—
The sattin small-cloths were of sable hue.
With golden clocks the gazer's eye delight.
His stuccoed head would make a Stoic smile,
Of pins an armoury—of curls a pile.
His downy chin the pummice double smooth'd,
Precipitate the pang from creepers sooth'd.
But why should I attempt in humble rhymes,
To paint the finery of other times?
Of H---d stem Stuarta there appears,
A noble virgin of twice twenty years.
Old R--- too that night her cards resigned,
Of manners vulgar, but of jolly mind.
She too was there, who left each wond'ring guest,
To seek Viceregal notice at the feast.
To pick cold bones with Van and quality:
Her husband bowing cries, (poor civil man)
“My lady wife is fled to lady Van.”
The mendicant of peerage there they found,
In snows of age, with youthful vices crown'd,
Who kept no promise, serv'd no useful end,
Spent princely fortunes, never had a friend.
There too, with solid everlasting grin,
And all the phlegm of Holland, Van was seen,
A sober youth—but haste! what dire alarms,
Prelusive sound a symphony for arms.
Lament, and menace, now all ears engage.
No trivial causes hostile fury move,
No vulgar combatants their valour prove.
Precedence, potent cause, to warfare brings,
Ambitious Females, and contending Kings.
She knew how much by vigilance is gained.
Scarce her Videts the doors had open found,
She came and seized on the disputed ground.
In books of tactics, and reports she saw
“Possession makes eleven points of law,”
For conversant was she, with modern entries,
And puzzled Lawyers, with black letter ventries.
Her plumy females in the van appear,
Her garrison battalions guard the rear.
The silken general wisely stay'd away,
But sent his lady to partake the fray;
No dame like her can shake the guiding rein,
Or tame the courser on the dusty plain:
To thee, Dennira, scarce she yields in charms,
And scarcely yields pre-eminence in arms.
Sate with her flank supported by a post.
A countenance imposing to the foes.
Nor waited long—for hostile tongues are heard,
And fierce Philothemis in force appear'd.
In ancient days, as 'tis by Homer sung,
The Trojan Bands came on, with clam'rous tongue.
Th' assailants war proclaim, in wrathful tones,
“Where is the Box-keeper? say where is Jones?
“Turn out the bold intruder with disgrace;
“We'll teach the lady to usurp a place.”
Never before such balanc'd forces met,
For warlike Rubbers so complete a set.
Nor proud Dennira to the claim will yield,
Nor will Philothemis resign the field.
The fair each moment in their anger rose,
Words lead to words, and blows elicit blows.
The Gods above, tho' far from sight remov'd,
With shrilly cat calls aid the din they lov'd.
The powers of discord ruled in frantic mood;
And stern Erinnys dipt her torch in blood.
Let not the author be misunderstood—He means no unclean allusion to the professional pursuits and applications of the Doctor, as though the poet of his praise should be put in sudden motion by the operation of a C*****r Pipe, that would be a silly, preposterous, unsavoury and misplaced joke, a joke a posteriori—minus aptus acutis naribus horum hominum.
“With submissive resignation to the sovereign comp- “troller of events,” could the pious M--- say more when he was appointed at last to the twice promised and long expected Bishopric? I am happy at having an opportunity of congratulating this evangelic character, on the reward of his patience and long suffering,
Gathering Digitalis or Fox glove—The apothecaries of Dablin assemble for the purpose, at a certain time of the year, and repair to a pass in the mountains called the Scalp, where the plant is found.
As there was a great round of cabinet dinners, on a certain late change, to drink success to the new administration, so, there was a great round of medical, surgical, and apothecarial dinners, to welcome the Doctor to Ireland, and drink a feverisb spring, a sickly summer, and aguisb autumn,—pia vota! they had all the good things above enumerated, with many other dainties prepared according to the London Art of Cookery—Pbarmacopœia Londinensis.
“Poured never from her frozen loins, to pass
“Rbene or the Danaw, when her barbarous sons
“Came like a deluge on the south, and spread
“Beneath Gibraltar to the Lybian sands.”
Milton.
Sir Cbarles Vernon blunted the edge of their appetite, not with a billet doux, but billet amer, or lettre de cachet, apprising them that at the Castle they would be considered as persons of an agreeable absence—Anglice, their room would be more pleasing than their company.
The Dutchess insisted that Sir C****** should attend her on horse-back on an excursion. He remonstrated, and declared on the faith of a true knight, he had never rode in his life. Her Grace answered, it was time he should begin.— No excuse would be admitted. He was set on a fiery charger.—But this adventure deserves a separate poem.
“Who can be wise, amazed, temperate, and furious, loyal, and neutral in a moment?—No man.” Shakespeare.
This is a just anticipation, generally adopted, and indicatory of the public sense of this accomplished and polite attorney's high deserts and pretensions. He is not yet knighted, but he has long been the companion of the great and noble. He is truly a consequential man. The term scrivener seems to have been admitted for the sake of the rhyme, not in contempt of this most important attorney.
A Belle Esprit of an uncommon ease and elegance in his manners. He had fair pretensions to be received at the Castle by prescription, as he was formerly a member of the Irisb Parliament and must have dined at the alphabet dinners.
The admirable Creighton of the Attorney's Corps. I have seen him preside at a court martial with real dignity.
The Secretary is considered as the domestic genius, the Lar or household God of the Castle, therefore, the crowd is with peculiar propriety made to follow him, particularly as there was a great demand for places at this juncture.
I need not dwell on the character here introdnced, not to know him would argue my Reader unknown, no visitant at the Castle, no inmate of polite houses—But if this poem should fall into the hands of the vulgar and ignorant, contrary to my intentions, I will condescend to refer them for further information to a publication, called Familiar Epistles, and ascribed to one hundred different authors.
Ulster King at Arms, a necessary person on this occasion to marshal the triumphal procession, to proclaim the victory over the Gotbs and Vandals, and to declare war with them according to the terms and stipulations of the red and black lists and Joyeuse Entree of the Castle. Sir C********* keeps his shop of honours and College of arms in the house formerly occupied by Mrs. Mayne, better known by the name of Sally M`Laine.
The term Grace here most happily admits of a double sense to denote not only the elegance of manner, but the purity of intention, with which this carpet knight, dubb'd with un-hack'd rapier, performs his various and confidential carnival functions.
So Grey in his Elegy—
“His listless length at noon tide would he stretch,“And pore upon the brook that babbles by.”
Commentators conjecture that this passage is descriptive of a young Abbe of fair hopes, who had formerly a situation in the Embassy to Constantinople. Quere—Whether lawn here means lawn Sbifts or lawn Sleeves? Perhaps the young gemman may make a shift to combine them.
That the reader may comprehend this passage, I must inform him that on various turnpike gates and—posts in the vicinity of Dublin a programma or affiche has appeared, denouncing death and destruction to all “who may trespass on the demesne late the propetty of Mr. Maber, and now the residence of the Lord**** &c.” and apprising them that men in arms are stationed all night in said demesne! I do not find that other Noblemen and Gentlemen in the County of Dublin are driven to adopt similar measures.
There was in former ages, when Pigs were Swine, a certain Sir Henry who had a finger in the Treasury pie. In his accounts was a certain Hiatus valde deflendus. I would recommend the history of the business to Mr. Cobbet.
Omnia suspendens naso adunco, is the motto of these witty Ladies, who cut and carve the foolish, blundering Irish, at an unmerciful rate.
More foolish in nothing than in their indiscriminate Hospitality to Strangers, who laugh at them and their disregard of their own country.
That fiction is the soul of Poetry, the honest Author in the abundance of his love for Truth, must acknowledge, that it is only by poetic licence that he has made Major B. and Sir C. inseparable companions in the Viceregal train.—Truth is, let them scent and essence themselves, as they will, they are in bad odour with the bonny Lass. Sir C. has incurred her incurable displeasure by his pious love of Castle etiquette, and manful resistance to the dancing propensity of the fair and noble Lady, in defence of ancient ceremonial. She seems to regard him much as Sancbo did the dread Doctor, with his wand, or rather as a kind of male Duenna, stationed to be a restraint on mirth, a damper of pleasures. She looks upon him, as a man of an agreeable absence, whose presence may well be dispensed with at the private parties where mirth and jollity—
“Trip it, as they go,“On the light fantastic toe.”
Poor B. poor C. virtuous martyrs to the righteous love of forms. Ye are laid under an interdict—no coach allowed to carry you—ye are excluded from the private parties, amerced of the joyous suppers, forced to wear livery; but to us— “Quis talia fando temperet a Lachrymis?”
Before the introduction of wigs, (a fashion which has conduced much to cleanliness) the use of white precipitate was well known to ladies who were blest with fine heads of hair.
It is a most delectable story how the company were invited on a long notice, by my Lady J—y—how they all expected a ball and supper, took their measures accordingly, and sent off their carriages and servants, desiring them to return at three in the morn—How Lady J—y marched off to Lady Van's ball, to see the Duchess, and left her caro sposo to bow the company out of the house supperless as well as he could.
Commentators are in great doubt who is meant by Van, some think Vanhomrigh, others Vansittart, some Vanneck, some Vanbutchell, some Vandeput, &c. &c.
I am in doubt as to the person here meant, perhaps it may mean some wealthy merchant, or thriving haberdasher, perhaps some clerk in a public office, who possesses a comfortable opacity of intellect, and a moderate knowledge of vulgar arithmetic.
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