The Fourth Volume of the Writings Of the Author of the London-Spy ::

Whoe'er desires to be a fawning Slave,
A wand'ring Fool, yet to be thought a Knave,
A Servile Tool, to be remov'd and Tost,
Without Just Cause from Pillar unto Post;
At least Ten Guineas, let him first take Care
To raise, and next a sliding Rule prepare;
With other Jimcracks by the Board thought proper,
To Gage a Brew-house from the Tun to th'Copper.

When thus equipp'd, and by some bungler Taught,
To use his Tackle as the Bubble ought,
Again, with humble Cringes must he go,
Before their Honours, that the Fool may know,
To what Welsh County or what Town remote,
They're pleas'd to send him when his Gold they've got.

Some starving Walk they doom to be his Fate,
Where needy Ale-wives do Excisemen hate
And with their Verbal Thunder teaz 'em more
Than the Rude Rabble do a Drunken Whore.

Next, for his tedious Journey, he provides
Some founder'd Jade, whose Skeletonian Sides,
Lank Buttocks, bony Hips, and broken Wind
Denote him one of Pharaoh's famish'd Kind:
When thus grown Master of a Spavin'd Beast,
Show'd Fifty times in Smithfield-Rounds at least;
A pair of Boots at Second hand he buys,
To save his Hose from Dust, his Legs from Flies:
Then like a Warrier with an armed Heel,
And by his Side a Scymetar of Steel,
His Dexter Leg does o'er the Saddle fling,
And mounts his Courser with an active spring;
Then takes a Blunderbuss or Musquetoon,
And o'er his Horses Neck supports the Gun:
When, like Don Quixot, that renowned Knight,
He's thus prepar'd to break the Way or Fight,
As Order'd by the Board, he must attend
Some Proud Collector to his Journey's End

To fortify his Bags, as up and down
The Money'd-Upstart rides from Town to Town.
Where at each Stage the Scar-crow to a Thief
Is Valiant made with Pudding, Ale, and Beef;
Shews much Respect to an Imperious T---
Sits like a Mute, and bows at e'ery Word.

When this is over, he assumes his Place,
Which lies remote among some heathenish Race,
Where he lives hated for a little Time,
At last is jossl'd out without a Crime;
Not that he's Careless or Dishonest been,
But must make way to let new Cullies in:
Who only with their Gold fresh Int'rest make,
And Bribe their Ruin with their last poor Stake;
Which by some servile K--- is first receiv'd,
But handed upwards 'tis by most believ'd.

Thus is the Bus'ness of that grand Affair,
Thro' wheedling hangers on, become a Snare;
Who with the pow'rful Petticoat prevail
To snack those Golden Weights that turn the Scale
These by Clandestine tamp'ring can with ease
Turn out, or in, what Officers they please;

Who to Admittance gain, must bleed and pray,
And thus at once both humbly bow and pay.

Therefore beware of those my youthful Friend,
Who mighty Int'rest with the Board pretend;
As Kinsmen, Vallets, and the Lord knows who,
They'll manage well for some, but ill for you.
Be careful how you pull your Money forth;
Give Nothing for it, for it's Nothing worth:
But if, like other Fools, you would be serv'd,
Buy your self in, be soon kick'd out, and starv'd;
May you be Curs'd and for a Soldier sent,
And let that doom become your Punishment.

University of Virginia Library

The mounting of a young Excise-man for the Country, or good Advice to Broken Shopkeepers.