59. LIX.
SHOWS THAT A WAR PLATFORM WON'T DO FOR
THE DEMOCRACY.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
July the 17th, 1864.
It is probable, yes, I may say, tolable sertin,
that P. V. Nasby, wich is preecher uv sed Church,
in charge, may retire frum publik life shortly.
Why? methinks I heer the entire Dimekratik
party, who hev long regarded me as a ornament
2 my secks, and the wun altogether luvly, exclame.
The why is plane to a massive intellek,
wich is me—the good old Dimekratik party is on
the strate rode to destruction, and, to yoose a
raleroad mettyfor, onless it is switcht orf at Shecago,
it 's a goner, and the more it succeeds at
the November eleckshun, the wus is its goneniss!
“Singler!” exclames a patriotic and self-sacrificin
Dimekrat, who hez a post-orifis in his beemin
eye—“singler that success shood rooin us. Wy,
that 's wat we 're goin for.”
Jently, my frend. Uv wat avale is it to elect
a President in sich a way ez 2 make it morally
sertin to be defeetid ever after? Troo, we 'd hev
the post-orfisis; but, with a Ablishn Congris to
watch us, wher 'd be the chancis uv steelin, nessary
to our support?
To eloocydait. The Dimokrasy hev postponed
their convenshun till it is assertaned how Lee vs.
Grant cums out. Ef Lee whales Grant—peece
platform. Ef Grant whales Lee—war platform.
Now the chancis air that Lee will be whipt, for
the tyrent Linkin hez a spite at that grate and
good man. Then we 're a war party, and go into
the campane on the corruptnis uv the Administrashen,
and beet em, and git the post-orifises.
Wat then? Wy this. The war is OUR war;
the taxis is OUR taxis; the drafts is OUR drafts,
and WE wood hev the responsibility instid uv
our enemis. Ez a matter uv coarse, Dimekrats
wood hev to do the volunteerin, for it wood be
their war, and the armies wood hev to be led by
Dimekratik ginerals. Good hevins! Immagin
500,000 Dimekrats under sich ez Micklellan and
Booel! Wat a redoosin uv magoritis—wat a
waste uv votin stock ther wood be!
The troo polisy for us is peese. Ez a peese
party, we are certin uv gettin the support uv
these classis, to-wit:
The stingy cusses, who obgect to payin taxis.
The cowerdly cusses, who air afrade uv bein
draftid.
Every draft and every new tax jest more 'n
adds to our ranks; so fast, indeed, that ef we cood
stop the Methodist, Presbyterian, Lutheran, etc.,
revivals uv religun, and git whisky back to old
prices, so that we cood afford to use it profoosely,
we cood be in good shaip next fall.
By bein a war party we lose all these people,
and taik them out; and, in the name of hevin, wat
wood be left uv us!
Peese is our best and only holt, and, onless the
party taik that dodge, I shel retire, for we can't
win but wunst on war, and then the responsibilities
we 'd hev to assoom wood be 2 much for us.
The Dimekratik intellek is not hefty.
Ez for myself, I 've no feers—I kin git along.
There 's small groseries to be run; and the retailin
uv likker in a striktly Dimekratik community,
where they 'd work jest twelve hours — earnin
enuff to carry em thro the uther 12 at my bar—
has alluz appered to me to be the highth uv
earthly bliss.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
