University of Virginia Library

JEAN SAIPYSAPLES.

WRITTEN FOR MR. J. GALLACHER.

(Spoken.)—Now, Jean lay soughin' awa' fu' soun'ly in a corner o' the office till about gray daylight, when she began to rax and gaunt before her een were open; and finnin her bed rather harder than ordinar', she began to glawm about her, and soon faund there was something wrang. Syne she tried if her memory could gi'e her ony insight, but it could bring her nae far'er than creepin' into the washing boyn, wi' the bladder in her bosom, aye takin' a blink now and then at the claes on the rails, and a' after that was but mist and darkness, a confused jumble. Seein' she had got a ravelt hesp to redd by her yesterday's wark, she cries, “Mysie, brang ye in the claes frae the green?” But, gettin' nae answer frae her dochter, and hearin' a wheen outlandish giggles o' laughin' mixt wi' keelie slang, oaths and curses, she raised her head frae the hard oak bench she was lyin' on, and got a glance o' her new neebors, wha had been brought in through the nicht, and were standin' and sittin' round the big half-burnt fire. “Guid watch owre us!” quo' Jean to hersel', “what can be the meanin' o' a' this? I've surely ta'en a towt o' the nicht-mare, and if I could but turn mysel' on my side, I wad get quat o' it.” Wi' that, she gied a row to get on her side, but put rather mair force till't than folk can do in the nicht-mare; sae she row'd owre the side o' the bench, an fell wi' a soss on the breast o' an Irish sailor, wha was lyin' on the floor. “Black spot on ye, ye owld hag; what do ye main, murthering people in cowld blood, in bed?—Gemmini, but I've a mighty notion to stove in the timbers of ye'r owl' crazy hull.” Sae when Jean faun she was within range o' the grapples o' an Irish sailor, the thocht o' the nicht-mare took wing; and she was beginning to tak' her excuse for her unseemly intrusion, when ben cam' an officer, wha calmed the coleshangie, and gied Jean an explanation o' her situation, advisin' her to ha'e patience till the bailie open'd the court, and he had nae doubt that she would be gye easy dealt wi'. It was a wearisome mornin' to Jean to sit sae lang amang sic a clamjamphry o' ruffians till the court opened; but at length, when her patience was worn to a hair, the hour chappit, and in cam' the bailie; and poor Jean's heart was duntin' wi' houp and fear when she was ca'ed ben to the court. Though she wasna in vera good order, she had made hersel' as snod as she could, and, wi' a decent beck, she entered.

Bailie.

—What is your name?

Jean.

—Deed, Sir, that's what I canna vera weel tell, as I'm no sure whether I e'er heard it or no.

Bailie,
laughing.

—Many appear here who have too many names, and

you, it seems, have too few: it, therefore, appears difficult to determine which of the two cases looks worst. Is there no name you go by?

Jean.

—Jean Saipysaples, please your honour.

Bailie.

—Little better than none! Such a name does, by no means, favour your case; but rather awakens stronger suspicion concerning your respectability.

Jean.

—I ha'e heard that I should ha'e anither name; but, bein' a foundlin', I was shankit aff to shift for mysel', as soon as I could do a han's turn in the place I was sent to (and that was the laird o' Glencruise's), where I was kepit slaisterin' and washin' day after day; sae the servants gied me the name o' Jean Saipysaples, and, no heedin' to take ony ither name, it just continued. But though it be a daft-like name—as lang's a body's honest, it sairs but little what the name be. There's my auld mistress, Mrs. Grubb, the lady o' Glencruisie, had a dochter baptized the ither Sabbath day, and to gar her look mair genteel, as she said, she gat her christened Margaretta Barbarina Julietta Alexina Sophietta Albertina Sarah Maria Victoria Grizzel Grubb. Now, if that wean hasna a far waurfaurt name than Jean Saipysaples, I'se leav't to your honour to judge. And yet Mrs. Grubb, for as refined a lady as she is, says it's a name that may gar the best o' the land tak' notice o' her yet, and gar a' the poets in the kintra round write sangs about her.

Bailie.

—There is truly but little in names, if the names be not fictitious. But as for women, in your line of business, carrying bladders of whisky with them to their lawful avocations, there are certainly strong objections. We have a striking proof of this in your own case. You were so much overcome by it, that the clothes were stolen with which you were intrusted; and the officers were taken off their dutie in search of the thief. The prosecution of the delinquent will cost both trouble and expenses, and all this would have been saved had you been in sobriety. So that, when all circumstances are taken into consideration, the crime of drinking to excess appears very heinous.

Jean.

—I maun e'en allow that its no good when the maut gaes aboon the meal; but how can a body work in cauld, blae, frosty weather like this, without something to warm their heart? If we hadna a cordial to bear us through, the town o' Glasgow wad be a' laid up thegither with the typhus fever or the cholera, for faut o' bein' keepit clean; and I'm sure a bladder's a far mair convenient and kindly thing to slip into a body's bosom than a bottle. But since ye hae gotten the impudent cutty that took awa the claes, I couldna say ye were owre sair on her, though she gat a quarter in Bridewell for't.

Bailie.

—I'm afraid, Mrs. Saipysaples, that will have to be your destination; her appointment must come from a higher court than this. “Saffs,” quo' Jean, “are ye speakin' that way o' ane that ne'er wrangt man, woman, or wean, a' her life?”

But just at this moment, in comes her dochter Mysie, wi' a letter in her han', accompanied by an officer, who delivered it to the bailie: the bailie soon brak' it open and read it to himsel'.

Bailie,
looking earnestly at Jean.

—I have received a letter, Mrs. Saipysaples, from Bailie Goodfellow, which has so much changed my opinion concerning your character, that I hereby dismiss you from this court, with this caution,—Take care in future not to keep too intimate acquaintance with whisky bladders.

When Jean heard this, she gied the bailie a curtchie, as laigh as she had been gaun to dance carcuddy, and left the court singin'—