The Works of Capt. Alex. Radcliffe In one Volume ... The Third Edition Augmented [by Alexander Radcliffe] |
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THE RAMBLE. |
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 | The Works of Capt. Alex. Radcliffe |  |
THE RAMBLE.
While Duns were knocking at my Door,
I lay in Bed with reeking Whore,
With Back so weak and P--- so sore,
You'd wonder,
I lay in Bed with reeking Whore,
With Back so weak and P--- so sore,
You'd wonder,
86
I rouz'd my Doe, and lac'd her Gown,
I pin'd her Whisk, and drop't a Crown,
She pist, and then I drove her down,
Like Thunder.
I pin'd her Whisk, and drop't a Crown,
She pist, and then I drove her down,
Like Thunder.
From Chamber then I went to dinner,
I drank small Beer like mournful Sinner,
And still I thought the Devil in her
Clitoris,
I drank small Beer like mournful Sinner,
And still I thought the Devil in her
Clitoris,
I sate at Muskats in the dark,
I heard a Trades-man and a Spark,
An Atturney and a Lawyer's Clark,
Tell Stories.
I heard a Trades-man and a Spark,
An Atturney and a Lawyer's Clark,
Tell Stories.
From thence I went, with muffled Face,
To the Duke's House, and took a place,
In which I spu'd, may't please his Grace,
Or Highness;
To the Duke's House, and took a place,
In which I spu'd, may't please his Grace,
Or Highness;
87
Shou'd I been hang'd I could not chuse
But laugh at Whores that drop from Stews,
Seeing that Mistris Marg'ret—
So fine is.
But laugh at Whores that drop from Stews,
Seeing that Mistris Marg'ret—
So fine is.
When Play was done, I call'd a Link,
I heard some paltry pieces chink
Within my Pockets, how d'ee think.
I' employ'd 'em?
I heard some paltry pieces chink
Within my Pockets, how d'ee think.
I' employ'd 'em?
Why, Sir, I went to Mistriss Spering,
Where some were cursing, others swearing,
Never a Barrel better Herring,
per fidem,
Where some were cursing, others swearing,
Never a Barrel better Herring,
per fidem,
Seven's the main, 'tis Eight, God dam 'me,
'Twas six, said I, as God shall sa' me,
Now being true you cou'd not blame me
so saying,
'Twas six, said I, as God shall sa' me,
Now being true you cou'd not blame me
so saying,
88
Sa' me! quoth one, what Shamaroon
Is this, has begg'd an Afternoon
Of's Mother, to go up and down
A playing?
Is this, has begg'd an Afternoon
Of's Mother, to go up and down
A playing?
This was as bad to me as killing,
Mistake not Sir, said I, I'm willing,
And able both, to drop a shilling,
Or two Sir:
Mistake not Sir, said I, I'm willing,
And able both, to drop a shilling,
Or two Sir:
Goda'mercy then, said Bully Hec—
With Whiskers stern, and Cordubeck
Pinn'd up behind, his scabby Neck
To shew Sir.
With Whiskers stern, and Cordubeck
Pinn'd up behind, his scabby Neck
To shew Sir.
With mangled fist he grasp'd the Box,
Giving the Table bloody knocks,
He throws—and calls for Plague and Pox
T'assist him;
Giving the Table bloody knocks,
He throws—and calls for Plague and Pox
T'assist him;
89
Some twenty shillings he did catch,
H'ad like t'have made a quick dispatch,
Nor could, Time's Register, my Watch
Have mist him.
H'ad like t'have made a quick dispatch,
Nor could, Time's Register, my Watch
Have mist him.
As Luck would have it, in came Will,
Perceiving things went very ill,
Quoth he, y'ad better go and swill
Canary,
Perceiving things went very ill,
Quoth he, y'ad better go and swill
Canary,
We steer'd our course to Dragon Green,
Which is in Fleetstreet to be seen,
Where we drank Wine—not foul—but clean
contrary.
Which is in Fleetstreet to be seen,
Where we drank Wine—not foul—but clean
contrary.
Our Host, y'cleped Thomas Hammond,
Presented slice of Bacon Gammon,
Which made us swallow Sack as Salmon
Drink water,
Presented slice of Bacon Gammon,
Which made us swallow Sack as Salmon
Drink water,
90
Being o'er-warm'd with last debauch,
I grew as drunk as any Roch,
When hot-bak'd-Wardens did approach,
Or later,
I grew as drunk as any Roch,
When hot-bak'd-Wardens did approach,
Or later,
We broke the Glasses out of hand,
As many Oaths I'd at command
As Hastings, Sabin, Sunderland,
Or Ogle,
As many Oaths I'd at command
As Hastings, Sabin, Sunderland,
Or Ogle,
Then I cry'd up Sir Henry Vane,
And swore by God I would maintain
Episcopacy was too plain
A juggle.
And swore by God I would maintain
Episcopacy was too plain
A juggle.
But oh! the damn'd confounded Fate
Attends on drinking Wine so late,
I drew my Sword on honest Kate
O'th' Kitchin,
Attends on drinking Wine so late,
I drew my Sword on honest Kate
O'th' Kitchin,
91
Which H---'s Wife would not endure,
I told her tho' she look'd demure,
She came but lately I was sure
From Bitching.
I told her tho' she look'd demure,
She came but lately I was sure
From Bitching.
A Club there was in t'other Room,
I bolted in, being known to some,
Such men are not in Christendom
For jesting,
I bolted in, being known to some,
Such men are not in Christendom
For jesting,
They use a plain familiar stile,
Appearing friendly all the while,
Yet never part without a Broil
Intestin.
Appearing friendly all the while,
Yet never part without a Broil
Intestin.
The first as Steward did appear,
A strange conceited Barrister,
Who on all Matters will infer
His Reading,
A strange conceited Barrister,
Who on all Matters will infer
His Reading,
92
A Band 'had on, that's very plain,
A Velvet Coat, a shining Cane,
Some Law, less Wit, and not a grain
Of Breeding.
A Velvet Coat, a shining Cane,
Some Law, less Wit, and not a grain
Of Breeding.
The Company were in a fit
Of talking News about Maestricht,
How that the Prince's leaving it
Was sudden,
Of talking News about Maestricht,
How that the Prince's leaving it
Was sudden,
Quoth he, (because they should say
That he knew less of this than they)
Just such a case I read this day
In Plowden.
That he knew less of this than they)
Just such a case I read this day
In Plowden.
An angry Captain that was there,
Could Indignation not forbear,
'Zounds, sayes he, did Man e're hear
Such Non-sence?
Could Indignation not forbear,
'Zounds, sayes he, did Man e're hear
Such Non-sence?
93
We talk of Sieges, Camps, and Forts,
This Fool's a keeping Country Courts,
With musty Law and dull Reports,
Damn'd long since,
This Fool's a keeping Country Courts,
With musty Law and dull Reports,
Damn'd long since,
Go bolt your Cases at the Fire,
From Plowden, Perkins, Rastal, Dyer,
Such heavy stuff does rather tire
Than please us:
From Plowden, Perkins, Rastal, Dyer,
Such heavy stuff does rather tire
Than please us:
Tell not us of Issue Male,
Of Simple Fee, and Special Tail,
Of Feofments, Judgments, Bills of Sale,
And Leases.
Of Simple Fee, and Special Tail,
Of Feofments, Judgments, Bills of Sale,
And Leases.
Can you discourse of Hand-Granadoes,
Of Sally-Ports and Ambuscadoes,
Of Counterscarps and Pallizadoes,
And Trenches,
Of Sally-Ports and Ambuscadoes,
Of Counterscarps and Pallizadoes,
And Trenches,
94
Of Bastions, blowing up of Mines,
Or of Communication Lines,
Or can you guess the great Designs
The French has?
Or of Communication Lines,
Or can you guess the great Designs
The French has?
The Barrister began to start
To hear such bloody terms of Art,
And did desire with all his heart
A Farewel;
To hear such bloody terms of Art,
And did desire with all his heart
A Farewel;
Till younger Member of the House,
Resenting this as an Abuse,
Thought it convenient to espouse
His Quarrel.
Resenting this as an Abuse,
Thought it convenient to espouse
His Quarrel.
This was a spruce young Squire that
Knew the true Manage of the Hat,
And every morning ty'd Cravat
With Project:
Knew the true Manage of the Hat,
And every morning ty'd Cravat
With Project:
95
One that was sure he knew the Town,
To men of Fringe and Feather known,
'Mongst whom all Law he wou'd disown,
And Logick.
To men of Fringe and Feather known,
'Mongst whom all Law he wou'd disown,
And Logick.
Captain, quoth he, I'll tell you thus:
You are mistaken much in us,
With dint of Sword we can discuss;
'Tis true Sir,
You are mistaken much in us,
With dint of Sword we can discuss;
'Tis true Sir,
You trail'd a Pike, or some such thing,
In Holland, here you huff and ding:
And all the Town (forsooth) must ring
Of you, Sir.
In Holland, here you huff and ding:
And all the Town (forsooth) must ring
Of you, Sir.
I can remember you at Lambs,
Whither you'd come with forty shams;
And swore you wou'd renounce all Games
But Tennis:
Whither you'd come with forty shams;
And swore you wou'd renounce all Games
But Tennis:
86
Last night (such luck ne'r man had yet)
You play'd with Countess at Picquet,
And that she did (by Jesus) get
Twelve Guinnies;
You play'd with Countess at Picquet,
And that she did (by Jesus) get
Twelve Guinnies;
Nay worse—just parting with my Lord,
He fancy'd much your Silver Sword,
And you wear his not worth a Turd—
—A Bawble;
He fancy'd much your Silver Sword,
And you wear his not worth a Turd—
—A Bawble;
But for the Hilt he's like to pay,
For you will have his Iron Grey:
A swifter Nag is not this day.
In stable.
For you will have his Iron Grey:
A swifter Nag is not this day.
In stable.
And all the great design of this
Is but to borrow half a Piece,
Or be excus'd (if Ready miss)
From Clubbing:
Is but to borrow half a Piece,
Or be excus'd (if Ready miss)
From Clubbing:
97
The Captain swell'd, yet did not know
Whether the Youth would fight or no,
Or if 'twere safe to give the Foe
A drubbing.
Whether the Youth would fight or no,
Or if 'twere safe to give the Foe
A drubbing.
Company's here, and for their sake,
Quoth he, some other time I'll take,
For I did never love to make
A Bustle,
Quoth he, some other time I'll take,
For I did never love to make
A Bustle,
Even when you please, quoth Younker, then
I'm every Evening to be seen
'Mongst witty Coffee-drinkers in
Street Russel.
I'm every Evening to be seen
'Mongst witty Coffee-drinkers in
Street Russel.
One that was Doctor, Rook, and Quack,
With whom the Captain us'd to snack,
Because he'd make the first attack
On Bubble.
With whom the Captain us'd to snack,
Because he'd make the first attack
On Bubble.
98
Did think it fit to do him right,
Altho' he knew he would not fight,
Yet Cully he would sore affright
And trouble.
Altho' he knew he would not fight,
Yet Cully he would sore affright
And trouble.
Therefore the Captain's part he took;
Home Lad, quoth he, unto your Book,
If Letters fail, Go Bully-rock
The Carrier,
Home Lad, quoth he, unto your Book,
If Letters fail, Go Bully-rock
The Carrier,
For here you must not vent your stuff,
We understand you well enough:
You must not think to rant and huff
A Warrier.
We understand you well enough:
You must not think to rant and huff
A Warrier.
I knew when Animal and Ens
Was once the chief of your pretence,
But now you think y'ave sprucer Sense
And Knowledge.
Was once the chief of your pretence,
But now you think y'ave sprucer Sense
And Knowledge.
99
When first this Town y'arriv'd unto,
The only Bu'sness y'ad to do
Was to enquire out those that knew
Your Colledge.
The only Bu'sness y'ad to do
Was to enquire out those that knew
Your Colledge.
Certainly Mortal never saw
A thing so pert, so dull, so raw,
And yet 'twou'd put a Case in Law,
If they wou'd,
A thing so pert, so dull, so raw,
And yet 'twou'd put a Case in Law,
If they wou'd,
Then it began to visit Playes,
And on the Women it wou'd gaze,
And looked like Love in a Maze,
Or a Wood.
And on the Women it wou'd gaze,
And looked like Love in a Maze,
Or a Wood.
Into Fop-corner you wou'd get,
And use a strange obstreperous Wit,
Not any quiet to the Pit
Allowing:
And use a strange obstreperous Wit,
Not any quiet to the Pit
Allowing:
100
And when my Lord came in, you'd spy,
If toward you he cast an Eye,
Y'had lucky opportunity
Of bowing,
If toward you he cast an Eye,
Y'had lucky opportunity
Of bowing,
At last you got a swinging Clap,
Which ran upon you like a Tap,
And lay for Cure of this mishap
At Tooting,
Which ran upon you like a Tap,
And lay for Cure of this mishap
At Tooting,
Then you writ Letters of Advice
To Parent, for some fresh supplies,
Pretending to the exercise
Of Mooting:
To Parent, for some fresh supplies,
Pretending to the exercise
Of Mooting:
At length you understood a Dye,
Carry'ing in Fob variety
Of Goads, of Bars, of Flats, of High
And Low-Dyce.
Carry'ing in Fob variety
Of Goads, of Bars, of Flats, of High
And Low-Dyce.
101
But when you hear the fatal doom,
That Father shall remand you home,
It hardly will appear you come
From Studies.
That Father shall remand you home,
It hardly will appear you come
From Studies.
The Youth was just a throwing Glass
Of Wine into the Doctor's Face,
When Barrister took Heart of Grace,
And courage:
Of Wine into the Doctor's Face,
When Barrister took Heart of Grace,
And courage:
Doctor, sayes he, you are a Cheat,
A greater Knave walks not the Street,
A verrier Quack one shall not meet
In our Age.
A greater Knave walks not the Street,
A verrier Quack one shall not meet
In our Age.
Doctors of Physick we indeed
Do most abominably need:
If you are one, that scarce can read
A Ballat,
Do most abominably need:
If you are one, that scarce can read
A Ballat,
102
You serv'd a Doctor,—true, from whom
You stole Receipts, being his Groom,
Or waiting on him in his Room,
As Valet.
You stole Receipts, being his Groom,
Or waiting on him in his Room,
As Valet.
On Serving-men you us'd to cut,
Giving 'em the high Game at Put,
And made the Fellows still run out
Their wages,
Giving 'em the high Game at Put,
And made the Fellows still run out
Their wages,
With Chamberlain you quit old scores,
Ruin the Tapster at all Fours,
And still observe the Carriers hours,
And Stages.
Ruin the Tapster at all Fours,
And still observe the Carriers hours,
And Stages.
T'Apothecary next you go,
To whom your stollen Receipts you show,
That y'ave no Learning he does know,
And small Parts:
To whom your stollen Receipts you show,
That y'ave no Learning he does know,
And small Parts:
103
Yet for Advantage does proclaim
You as the eldest Son of Fame,
And swears your Cures have got a Name
In all Parts.
You as the eldest Son of Fame,
And swears your Cures have got a Name
In all Parts.
Then take your Lodgings at his House,
With care and secrecy to chouse
Those Fools incurable, that thus
Are minded,
With care and secrecy to chouse
Those Fools incurable, that thus
Are minded,
If y'are desir'd to write a Bill,
Your Eyes have a defluxion still,
That if you do but touch a Quill,
You're blinded.
Your Eyes have a defluxion still,
That if you do but touch a Quill,
You're blinded.
'Mongst gilded Books on shelves you squeeze
Old Gallen and Hippocrates,
For such learn'd men (say you) as these
I'll stickle.
Old Gallen and Hippocrates,
For such learn'd men (say you) as these
I'll stickle.
104
Tho' what they were you cannot tell,
Giants they might have been as well,
Or two Arch-Angels, Gabriel,
And Mich'el.
Giants they might have been as well,
Or two Arch-Angels, Gabriel,
And Mich'el.
In short, you are an empty Sawse—
Before this word quite out he draws,
The Doctor struck him cross the Jaws,
God bless us!
Before this word quite out he draws,
The Doctor struck him cross the Jaws,
God bless us!
The Student then propos'd a slap,
Which on Quack's best of Eyes did hap,
With might and main—on Youth fell Cap-
tain Bessus.
Which on Quack's best of Eyes did hap,
With might and main—on Youth fell Cap-
tain Bessus.
I'th' Room was Justice Middlesex,
Who understanding Statute Lex,
Being unwilling to perplex
A Riot,
Who understanding Statute Lex,
Being unwilling to perplex
A Riot,
105
Softly as he could speak, did cry,
(Which no Body observ'd but I)
My Friends, in Name of Majesty,
Be quiet.
(Which no Body observ'd but I)
My Friends, in Name of Majesty,
Be quiet.
The Youngster first desir'd a Truce,
Because Cravat from Neck hung loose,
Captain, quoth he, your Weapon choose,
I'll fight 'ee:
Because Cravat from Neck hung loose,
Captain, quoth he, your Weapon choose,
I'll fight 'ee:
Nay then, thought I, if so it be,
You're very likely to agree,
There's no Diversion more for me,
Good night t'ee.
You're very likely to agree,
There's no Diversion more for me,
Good night t'ee.
And having now discharg'd the House,
We did reserve a gentle Souse,
With which we drank another rouse
At the Bar:
We did reserve a gentle Souse,
With which we drank another rouse
At the Bar:
106
And good Christians all attend,
To Drunkenness pray put an end,
I do advise you as a Friend,
And Neighbour.
To Drunkenness pray put an end,
I do advise you as a Friend,
And Neighbour.
For lo! that Mortal here behold,
Who cautious was in dayes of old,
Is now become rash, sturdy, bold,
And free Sir;
Who cautious was in dayes of old,
Is now become rash, sturdy, bold,
And free Sir;
For having scap'd the Tavern so,
There never was a greater Foe,
Encounter'd yet by Pompey, No
Nor Cæsar.
There never was a greater Foe,
Encounter'd yet by Pompey, No
Nor Cæsar.
A Constable both stern and dread,
Who is from Mustard, Brooms and Thread,
Preferr'd to be the Brainless Head—
O'th' Poople,
Who is from Mustard, Brooms and Thread,
Preferr'd to be the Brainless Head—
O'th' Poople,
107
A Gown 'had on by Age made gray,
A Hat too, which as Folk do say,
Is sirnam'd to this very day
A Steeple;
A Hat too, which as Folk do say,
Is sirnam'd to this very day
A Steeple;
His Staff, which knew as well as he,
The Bus'ness of Authority,
Stood bolt upright at sight of me;
Very true 'tis,
The Bus'ness of Authority,
Stood bolt upright at sight of me;
Very true 'tis,
Those louzy Currs that hither come
To keep the King's Peace safe at home,
Yet cannot keep the Vermin from
Their Cutis.
To keep the King's Peace safe at home,
Yet cannot keep the Vermin from
Their Cutis.
Stand! stand! sayes one, and come before—
You lye, said I, like a Son of a Whore,
I can't, nor will not stand,—that's more—
D'ye mutter?
You lye, said I, like a Son of a Whore,
I can't, nor will not stand,—that's more—
D'ye mutter?
108
You watchful Knaves, I'll tell what,
Yond' Officer i'th May-pole Hat,
I'll make as drunk as any Rat,
Or Otter,
Yond' Officer i'th May-pole Hat,
I'll make as drunk as any Rat,
Or Otter,
The Constable began to swell,
Altho' he lik'd the motion well:
Quoth he, my Friend, this I must tell
Ye clearly,
Altho' he lik'd the motion well:
Quoth he, my Friend, this I must tell
Ye clearly,
The Pestilence you can't forget,
Nor the Dispute with Dutch, nor yet
The dreadful Fire, that made us get
Up early.
Nor the Dispute with Dutch, nor yet
The dreadful Fire, that made us get
Up early.
From which, quoth he, this I infer,
To have a Body's Conscience clear,
Excelleth any costly cheer,
Or Banquets;
To have a Body's Conscience clear,
Excelleth any costly cheer,
Or Banquets;
109
Besides, (and 'faith I think he wept)
Were it not better you had kept
Within your Chamber, and have slept
In Blanquets:
Were it not better you had kept
Within your Chamber, and have slept
In Blanquets:
But I'll advise you by and by,
A Pox of all advise, said I,
Your Janizaries look as dry
As Vulcan:
A Pox of all advise, said I,
Your Janizaries look as dry
As Vulcan:
Come, here's a shilling, fetch it in,
We come not now to talk of Sin,
Our Bus'ness must be to begin
A full Can.
We come not now to talk of Sin,
Our Bus'ness must be to begin
A full Can.
At last, I made the Watch-men drunk,
Examin'd here and there a Punk,
And then away to Bed I slunk
To hide it,
Examin'd here and there a Punk,
And then away to Bed I slunk
To hide it,
110
God save the Queen,—but as for you,
Who will these Dangers not eschew,
I'd have you all go home and spue
As I did.
Who will these Dangers not eschew,
I'd have you all go home and spue
As I did.
| The Works of Capt. Alex. Radcliffe | |