The Amazoniad Or, Figure and Fashion: A Scuffle in High Life. With Notes Critical and Historical, Interspersed with Choice Anecdotes of Bon Ton. Second Edition, with Additions [by J. W. Croker] |
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| 1. | FIRST CANTO. |
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 | The Amazoniad |  |
FIRST CANTO.
ARGUMENT.
SUBJECT proposed—Invocation—Arrival of the
Duke and Duchess—Their great popularity—Joy of
the people—To gratify them a play is performed by
command—Liberality of the Manager on the occasion
—Eagerness of the people to obtain places in the
Playhouse—Compared to the eager application for
places on a change of ministry—The crowds in the
lobby besieging and beseeching Mr. M`Nally—
Dennira appears—Description of her person—
Apostrophe to the G******—Dennira's address to
Mr. M`Nally—He at first grants her request—Appearance
of a competitor—Surprize of every body
How rivalship embroils ambitious dames,
Whose valiant deeds eclipse the warlike praise
Of stoutest Amazons in ancient days,
And all that modern bards have sung or said,
Of bright Clorinda and the Gallic maid:
How female bosoms glow with love of place,
The General's truncheon clashing with the mace,
I tell.—Old Father Liffey hears the song;
His echoes shall the martial notes prolong.
And thou, whose waters emblematic crawl
Thro' dirt and darkness to the Castle wall,
Thou Poddle hear; and as they labouring flow,
Thro' many a sewer and aqueduct below,
Delay their march, attentive to the sound,
And irrigate each vault and kitchen round.
The simple mate of rustics on the plain,
Confin'd to themes that rural manners yield;
The match of ploughing in the furrow'd field,
The show of cattle, mighty bulls and boars,
Rams, ewes, and wethers, hoggets, lambs, and stores.
Or if to sing of warriors was her care,
She never rose beyond a country fair.
But how the feuds of polish'd life to sing!
The Poet's fingers tremble on the string.
He feels how rashly he pushed from shore,
In open bark, without a sail or oar.
What hand from ship-wreck shall preserve his fame?
What influence aid him in the daring aim?
The hereditary harp, O M*****, try,
And tune for me prelusive ministrelsy;
Then shall my numbers please each courtly ear,
And ev'n a Duchess shall vouchsafe to hear.
To thee, great arbiter of Elegance
In concerts, sermons, plays, and mazy dance,
The Muse appeals. With powerful aid support
This new attendant on a Viceroy's court.
Whether reclined in the viceregal coach,
Or thron'd more airy in the gilt baroach,
So may lawn sleeves the charity reward.
Meantime let oily Joe the bagpipe sound,
And Ord'nance stores re-echo all around.
Then shall a laureat's name the bard adorn,
And crown of bays by ancient Gorgey borne.
The very stones shall feel my tuneful pow'rs,
And move in ranks to form mortella Tow'rs.
Had prostrate Erin's faded sceptre won:
Our loud acclaims a people's hope confest,
And frantic pleasure hail'd the high-born guest.
With fond delight the partial croud descry
The nose heroic and commanding eye.
With fond delight thro' every line they trace
How Russell virtues animate his face.
Brisk as a fairy, volatile as air,
The bonny Duchess, blithe and debonnair;
Boast of the Highland clans, old Scotia's pride,
In youthful vigour grac'd the Viceroy's side.
Success to the Duchess wherever she goes.
What crowds prest forward as affection led,
And eager eyes with ceaseless gazing fed.
A comedy was ordered “by Command;”
That happy Teague might revel in delight,
And at the Viceroy stare a live-long night;
For, be it mentioned underneath the rose,
All savages are fond of raree shows.
The thrifty Manager, tho' cook profest,
Was poz'd to cater for the scenic feast.
For, sooth to say, full many a barn affords
A better company than tramp his boards.
Then Heaven enlarg'd, O J***s, thy frugal mind,
To glad with bounty all the vassal kind.
He added ten pence to their weekly pay,
And ev'ry spouter had two meals that day.
To work their horses well, and well to feed:
By different maxims human brutes we treat,
Man sorely toils and sparingly should eat.
This sage advice the manager retains,
And meagre diet through the green room reigns.
Than expectation travell'd o'er the town
On flapping wings, and call'd the grave, the gay,
To meet their new chief ruler at the play.
Sure never glow'd in opposition breast,
Such love of place as then the croud possest.
Say, hast thou levied in the changeful hour,
Some party leader, newly call'd to pow'r?
Say, hast thou marked how visages impart,
The greedy wishes and the throbbing heart?
Say, hast thou stood th' expectant crowd among,
That E******* anti-room, on Fridays throng;
And bar and army seen, and church and state,
With anxious awe their oracle await?
How hope and fear the public bosom storm'd.
Then might'st thou judge what eager, throbbing hearts,
What loud pretensions and what cringing arts,
The great, the little show'd, the high, the low,
The belle, the punk, the citizen, the beau.
There Corcorans, Keenaghans, Mullowneys came,
Burns, Killaughers, Shaughnessys well known to fame,
M`Laughlins, Dempsys, Murphys, Mooneys urged their claim.
Round Macanally prest a mingled croud,
Liberal in promise, in petition loud;
All begging places, for by heaven's decree,
The Castle Spectre of that house was he.
Amid the lobby he majestic stands,
The sheet portentous trembling in his hands:
He hears their claims, their merits he debates,
Inspects the mystic leaf, and sings their fates;
These grief o'erwhelms, those exultation swells.
Thus, on the bank of Styx when Charon stood,
And shades by myriads sought to pass the flood,
Some he rejected, some to pass allow'd,
And grief and joy alternate filled the crowd.
Let all the crowd superior claims allow;
And all confess in that portentous hour,
The sovereign sway of beauty's magic power.
From right to left ye beaus and belles recede,
Her high pretensions let Dennira plead.
What eastern harams brighter charms contain,
Than Liffey's banks can shew, and Erin's plain?
O, happy General, tho' the swarthy east
The prowess of thy conqu'ring arm confest;
How poor were all thy conquests to the last!
In her embrace more treasure he explores,
Than lacs uncounted and unnumbered crores:
Behold her eyes, and mark how dimly shine
Thine emeralds, Gani, and Golconda's mine;
Corn, wine, and oil her beauteous looks expand,
And seem to call us to the promis'd land.
Like Ceres rich, in gladsome triumph borne,
Or Plenty's Goddess, but without a horn:
What pow'r of words her tempting charms may reach,
Firm as an apple, juicy as a peach.
Like the full moon, her face resplendant shows,
Her breasts are hillocks crown'd with living snows.
------ the modest muse no farther pries,
The citadel is kept for soldier eyes.
With smiles that prefac'd ev'ry word she spoke,
From coral lips persuasive accents broke:
“Mac, honest fellow, I the box engage,
“That fronts the Viceroy's and adjoins the stage;
“Flame in the van or sparkle in the rear;
“This post, dear Devil, let thy care defend,
“And I, by Heav'n, for ever am thy friend;
“Thy next review shall own my fostering aid,
“To thy support I'll march a whole brigade.”
Such charms, such accents might a God have caught,
Much more, a man of fleshly substance wrought.
The sheet he view'd, he seized the ready quill,
And mark'd the station at the charmer's will.
The charmer curtsey'd with commanding grace,
And conscious triumph flush'd her lovely face.
But ah, how frail and transient man's delight!
How soon the fairest morn is clos'd in night!
Brief the possession of all human things,
Doubtful the fate of beauties and of kings.
Pass some few days, Dennira shall lament
The hour M`Nally gave his rash consent.
A mighty rival shall dispute the claim.
The stately mace th' astonished crowd confounds.
With winning smile, conciliatory grace,
Then gentle D***r display'd his pleasant face.
His Finger and his Thumb were still in play,
And nasal off'rings strew'd the slimy way.
Symbol of Justice, when the mace they saw,
The crowd retir'd with reverential awe.
Shrill menaces are heard, and words of ire,
With eyes indignant and with cheeks of fire,
A dame advanc'd impetuous to the charge;
In form not ample, but in spirit large.
Thus Tydeus in a narrow compass show'd
What mighty virtues in his bosom glow'd.
An high-born worth her conscious look exprest,
Th' astonished Box-keeper she thus addrest:
“Are Rules of Equity acknowledged here?
“For this Decree, do precedents appear?
“Let a Petitioner re-hearing claim.
“Philothemis my Name, in heaven enroll'd,
“The mace of justice in my grasp I hold.—
“Say, shall the truncheon with the mace contend?
“To Martial Law, shall Courts of Justice bend?
“To back my wishes I Papinian bring,
“He keeps the conscience of our Lord the King.
“His Irish conscience, for the Laws decide,
“He has a conscience on the other side,
“And Erskine keepsit; but what Fate allows
“To Teague and Pat is guarded by my spouse.
“When Æolus the wind in bags confin'd,
“To wise Ulysses he the charge assigned.
“Thus in a purse, our gracious King imparts,
“His seal'd-up conscience to some man of arts.
“Near should it's Keeper be; not day so clear.
“And what disloyal tongue shall dare to say,
“The King can ever from his conscience stray?
“Seditious is the wretch, who would divide,
“The conscience-keeper from the Sovereign's side.
“It tends to raise suspicions most unjust,
“It tends to fill the public with distrust.
“The purse and seal be ever full in view,
“That all may know the people have their due.
“I, as their keeper's half, should near be found
“To Sovereign's Delegate, on Irish ground.
“And she who would exclude me from my place,
“Would Law resist and Government disgrace.
“'Tis contumacy, 'tis contempt of Court.—
“Serjeant at Arms, my dignity support.—
“In such a Cause, I'll make a mighty stir,
“And call in M******, call in Major S***”
As at the appearance of some fiend of Hell,
Pale and aghast poor Macanally stands,
The pen and ink now glided from his hands.—
He tore the sheet, he vanish'd in a fright,
Murmuring, and with him fled the shades of night.
His flight so sudden, all the croud divides,
Perplex'd they range, the Door-keepers their guides.
The House was all before them, where to choose;
But who shall grant them Boxes or refuse;
A while they hesitate, a while they pause,
Then brutal force supplies the place of laws.—
Announc'd the rising of a fatal storm.—
Pease fell in torrents, Goblins danc'd in air,
With flashing Rosin, Stage and Green-Room glare.
Along the lofts ternific thunder roll'd,
The Catcall scream'd, the Bell of Jaffier toll'd.
Untouch'd by any hand the Basses roar,
Masques move, without their heads, along the floor.
From every trap-door Demons rise to view,
And Sisters weird th' infernal Chaldron brew.
Exulting Discord hail'd the loud alarms,
And all the combatants prepare for arms.
Another song shall bid the war proceed.
The River Poddle winds under ground from near the old Episcopal Palace to the Castle, not wholly unlike the course of some, who have been inmates of the aforeaaid Palace.
Mr. A*******, the preceding treasurer of the Ordnance retired on his full salary to make room for him.—The Gentleman is well known as Author of Love in a Blaze.
Imitated from Addison—
“In every stroke, in every line,“See some exalted virtue shine,
“And Albion's happiness we trace
“In every feature of his face.”
The culinary talents of this gentleman have been celebrated by other writers, much yet remains unsung.
Lest commentators should be in doubt an hundred years hence, why ten pence was the precise modicum added, you are to know it was on account of the most current coin at that time—ten penny tokens. The pittance allowed at present to performers in Dublin, is well calculated to qualify them for acting ghosts. The players are not unaptly called Vassal train, to express the sovereign authority exercised by his Most Despotic Highness the Manager.
A kind of Deity much worshipped by the wild Irish, and which is supposed to have the power of looking into futurity and telling fortunes. Its temple is situated between two banking houses and the Irish treasury.
Sheet—A large Chart on which the ichnography of the Boxes is deli eated, and according to which they are engaged from the box-keeper.
“Tendebantque manus Ripæ ulterioris amore.
“Navita sed tristis nunc hos, nunc accipit illos,
“Ast alios longe submotos arcet arenâ.”
Virgil.
Right to left—The author here shews consummate judgment, scit reddere convenientia cuique—when he comes to speak of a General's Lady, and describe the croud making way for her, he employs terms applicable to military evolutions.
I cannot sufficiently admire the discretion of the poet in drawing in the reins of imagination which else might have run away with him at full gallop, into the paradise of Mabomet and all the luxuriance of Asiatic description.—Gauts mountain passes to the hill country.
“Et servare modum, rebus sublata sccundis.
“Turno tumpus erit, magno cum optaverit emptum
“Intactum Pallanta; et cum spolia ista diemque
“Oderit.”
Virgil.
A gentleman of prepossessing looks and manners, of singular urbanity and singleness of heart. It must gratify the public to know, that he has accumulated an estate of four or five thousand a year, through the mere blessing of Providence on disinterested virtue, without any exertion of his own.
There is great beauty in this passage; the character is edmirably preserved. As Dennira had used military terms, so the fair and noble pleader shows much technical knowledge. Wheu a Decree has been obtained, an Injunction goes to put the party in possession. Before a decree is enrolled, a re-hearing is graned on petition. I refer the female reader to Mitford's Chancery practice, for information on this abstruse subject.
Such is the maxim of the law—the King can do no wrong. The argument of the Lady is close and unanswerable. The King can do no wrong, therefore is inseparable from his conscience, ergo, inseparable from the keeper of it, his C*********, ergo inseparable from the C*********'s wife, who is the better half of the C********* ergo, he who separates the C*********'s wife from the King would separate the King and his conscience, or insinuate that they may be separated, and is no good subject.—Q. E. D.
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