University of Virginia Library

SOLILOQUY OF A LOW THIEF.

My name is Jim Griggins. I'm a low thief.
My parients was ignorant folks, and as poor as the
shadder of a bean pole. My advantages for gettin'
a eddycation was exceedin' limited. I growed up
in the street, quite loose and permiskis, you see, and
took to vice because I had nothing else to take to,
and because nobody had never given me a sight at
virtue.

I'm in the penitentiary. I was sent here onct before
for priggin'a watch. I served out my time, and
now I'm here agin, this time for stealin' a few insignificant
clothes.

I shall always blame my parients for not eddycatin'
me. Had I bin liberally eddycated I could,
with my brilliant native talents, have bin a big
thief — I b'leeve they call 'em defaulters. Instead

of confinin' myself to priggin' clothes, watches,
spoons and sich like, I could have plundered princely
sums — thousands and hundreds of thousands of dollars
— and that old humbug, the law, wouldn't have
harmed a hair of my head! For, you see, I should
be smart enough to get elected State Treasurer, or
have something to do with Banks or Railroads, and
perhaps a little of both. Then, you see, I could
ride in my carriage, live in a big house with a free
stun frunt, drive a fast team, and drink as much gin
and sugar as I wanted. A inwestigation might be
made, and some of the noosepapers might come down
on me heavy, but what the d—I would I care about
that, havin' previously taken precious good care of
the stolen money? Besides, my “party” would
swear stout that I was as innersunt as the new-born
babe, and a great many people would wink very
pleasant, and say, “Well, Griggins understands what
he's 'bout, HE does!”

But havin' no eddycation, I'm only a low thief —
a stealer of watches and spoons and sich — a low
wretch, anyhow — and the Law puts me through
without mercy.

It's all right, I s'pose, and yet I sometimes think
it's wery hard to be shut up here, a wearin'
checkered clothes, a livin' on cold vittles, a sleepin'
on iron beds, a lookin' out upon the world through
iron muskeeter bars, and poundin' stun like a galley
slave, day after day, week after week, and year after
year, while my brother thieves (for to speak candid,
there's no difference between a thief and a defaulter,
except that the latter is forty times wuss) who have
stolen thousands of dollars to my one cent, are
walkin' out there in the bright sunshine — dressed
up to kill, new clothes upon their backs and piles
of gold in their pockets! But the Law don't tech
'em. They are too big game for the Law to shoot
at. It's as much as the Law can do to take care of
us ignorant thieves.

Who said there was no difference 'tween tweedledum
and tweedledee? He lied in his throat, like a
villain as he was! I tell ye there's a tremendous
difference.

Oh that I had been liberally eddycated!