University of Virginia Library

13. XIII.
A PIECE IS SPOKEN.

A piece hath its victories no less than war.

“Blessed are the Piece-makers.” That is Scripture.

The night of the “comic oration” is come, and
the speaker is arranging his back hair in the stardressing-room
of the theatre. The orchestra is playing
selections from the Gentile opera of Un Ballo in
Maschera, and the house is full. Mr. John F. Caine,
the excellent stage-manager, has given me an elegant
drawing-room scene in which to speak my little
piece.

[In Iowa, I once lectured in a theatre, and the
heartless manager gave me a Dungeon scene.]

The curtain goes up, and I stand before a Salt
Lake of upturned faces.

I can only say that I was never listened to more
attentively and kindly in my life than I was by this
audience of Mormons.

Among my receipts at the box-office this night
were—

20 bushels of wheat.

5 bushels of corn.

4 bushels of potatoes.

2 bushels of oats.

4 bushels of salt.

2 hams.

1 live pig (Dr. Hingston chained him in the box-office).

1 wolf-skin.

5 pounds honey in the comb.

16 strings of sausages—2 pounds to the string.

1 cat-skin.

1 churn (two families went in on this; it is an ingenious
churn, and fetches butter in five minutes by
rapid grinding).

1 set children's under-garments, embroidered.

1 firkin of butter.

1 keg of apple-sauce.

One man undertook to pass a dog (a cross between
a Scotch terrier and a Welsh rabbit) at the
box-office, and another presented a German-silver
coffin-plate, but the Doctor very justly repulsed them
both.