Hudibras Redivivus or, a Burlesque poem on the times. The Second Edition. To which is added, An Apology, and some other Improvements throughout the Whole [by Edward Ward] |
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| I. | CANTO I. |
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 | Hudibras Redivivus |  |
3
CANTO I.
The Doctor looking proudly dull
Between his Devil and his Fool,
Whose Number being now compleat
To carr' on his Batavian Cheat;
Andrew, with wide extended Jaws,
Began a hideous bawling Noise,
Whose Yellings were no sooner heard,
But such a Crowd of Fools appear'd,
That plainly shew'd how silly Brother
By Instinct does attract another.
So among Wolves, when one's distrest,
By Howling he alarms the rest,
Who in a Fury fly with speed,
To help their Fellow in his Need.
Between his Devil and his Fool,
Whose Number being now compleat
To carr' on his Batavian Cheat;
Andrew, with wide extended Jaws,
Began a hideous bawling Noise,
Whose Yellings were no sooner heard,
But such a Crowd of Fools appear'd,
That plainly shew'd how silly Brother
By Instinct does attract another.
So among Wolves, when one's distrest,
By Howling he alarms the rest,
4
To help their Fellow in his Need.
No sooner had the gaping Zany
Turn'd Fool, but there appear'd a many
Boys left their Hustle and Trap-ball,
And scowr'd, at Merry Andrew's Call.
Fat Ale-wives, and their Campaign Wenches,
Forsook their Brothel Doors and Benches.
Porters, whose Shoulders were opprest
With Burthens, stood to hear a Jest.
Each bulky Dray-man stopp'd his Dray,
To take a Hau, Hau, by the way.
Young Vagabonds, and stroling Women,
Lame Mumpers, and disabled Seamen,
Some scratching in their lousy Rags,
Some hobling on their wooden Legs;
All scamper'd with what speed they cou'd,
T' encrease the growing Multitude.
Turn'd Fool, but there appear'd a many
Boys left their Hustle and Trap-ball,
And scowr'd, at Merry Andrew's Call.
Fat Ale-wives, and their Campaign Wenches,
Forsook their Brothel Doors and Benches.
Porters, whose Shoulders were opprest
With Burthens, stood to hear a Jest.
Each bulky Dray-man stopp'd his Dray,
To take a Hau, Hau, by the way.
Young Vagabonds, and stroling Women,
Lame Mumpers, and disabled Seamen,
Some scratching in their lousy Rags,
Some hobling on their wooden Legs;
All scamper'd with what speed they cou'd,
T' encrease the growing Multitude.
When the Fool's noisy Acclamation
Had gain'd a num'rous Congregation
Of tatter'd Mortals, only fit
To laugh at Merry Andrew's Wit,
The fulsome Di'logue then began
Betwixt the Master and the Man,
And now and then, to please the Mob,
The Devil laughing bore a Bob,
Whose antick Garb and charcoal Face,
Was to the Farce a wond'rous Grace;
For things uncommon, tho' uncouth,
Will best an English Rabble sooth,
Because they're oft inclin'd to change,
Not for what's better, but more strange,
Nor are the Frape alone, we see,
Bewitch'd to this Variety;
For Rakes of Honour, Lordly Beaus,
Too oft neglect the beauteous 'Spouse,
And with a greater Gust pursue
The homely Face, because it's new.
Nay, 'tis a Fashion grown of late,
To chuse Religon by its Date;
For many, thro' a stupid Zeal
To Novelty or Common-weal,
Renounce the old Church, and the true one,
To become Changelings to a new one.
Had gain'd a num'rous Congregation
Of tatter'd Mortals, only fit
To laugh at Merry Andrew's Wit,
5
Betwixt the Master and the Man,
And now and then, to please the Mob,
The Devil laughing bore a Bob,
Whose antick Garb and charcoal Face,
Was to the Farce a wond'rous Grace;
For things uncommon, tho' uncouth,
Will best an English Rabble sooth,
Because they're oft inclin'd to change,
Not for what's better, but more strange,
Nor are the Frape alone, we see,
Bewitch'd to this Variety;
For Rakes of Honour, Lordly Beaus,
Too oft neglect the beauteous 'Spouse,
And with a greater Gust pursue
The homely Face, because it's new.
Nay, 'tis a Fashion grown of late,
To chuse Religon by its Date;
For many, thro' a stupid Zeal
To Novelty or Common-weal,
Renounce the old Church, and the true one,
To become Changelings to a new one.
6
After the Crowd of gaping Fools
Had with stale Quibbles, Puns, and Bulls,
Borrow'd long since from Smithfield Drolls,
Been for a little Time accosted,
'Till Andrew's Stock was quite exhausted.
The Doctor then commands his Black
To op'n his Medicinal Pack,
From whence, before a Word he speaks,
A little Globe he nicely takes
Betwixt his Finger and his Thumb,
The Wonder of all Christendom,
Altho' no bigger than a Crum;
Then looking very stern and dread,
He bridles up his jolter Head,
And thus a Lecture does he give
Upon his Pill diminitive,
Speaking his Merits in the Proem,
That's Audience might the better know him.
Had with stale Quibbles, Puns, and Bulls,
Borrow'd long since from Smithfield Drolls,
Been for a little Time accosted,
'Till Andrew's Stock was quite exhausted.
The Doctor then commands his Black
To op'n his Medicinal Pack,
From whence, before a Word he speaks,
A little Globe he nicely takes
Betwixt his Finger and his Thumb,
The Wonder of all Christendom,
Altho' no bigger than a Crum;
Then looking very stern and dread,
He bridles up his jolter Head,
And thus a Lecture does he give
Upon his Pill diminitive,
Speaking his Merits in the Proem,
That's Audience might the better know him.
From all the Corners of the Earth;
From East and West, from South and North;
From sultry Climates, where the Heat
Will make the coldest Pebble sweat;
And from those Icy frigid Zones,
Where Waters are congeal'd to Stones;
From that strange Land incognita,
Where none but me e'er found the Way;
From Spain, France, Italy, and Holland,
Portugal, Sweedland, Denmark, Poland;
From Blenheim, where we won the Day
O'er Lewis and Bavaria;
From Rammelies, that famous Town,
Where greater Wonders still were done.
Geneva too, I should have hinted,
Where Bibles for the Saints are printed,
In whose fam'd University
I lately took my last Degree.
From Utrick also, where I liv'd,
And many Honours there receiv'd.
From these, and sundry other Places,
Where Arts and Learning shew there Faces,
As Hospitals for the Afflicted,
By Popes and Kings long since erected;
Where Surgery and Physick flourish,
And are apply'd with Skill, to cherish
The needy Sick, who else must perish,
Where I my self have long been fam'd
For Cures too many to be nam'd.
From all these Places am I come,
And other Parts of Christendom,
To give m' Assistance now at Home,
And, by G---d's Blessing, to impart
The hidden Pow'r of Physick's Art;
Which, by long Study, I have found
Amongst the Secrets under Ground,
Drawing such Min'ral Vertues forth
From the dark Caverns of the Earth,
That will restore the Blind to Sight,
And make the Cripple walk upright,
Repair Consumptive Lungs decay'd,
And to the Living raise the Dead,
Provided they'll be rul'd by Reason,
And take my Nostrum in due Season.
From East and West, from South and North;
From sultry Climates, where the Heat
Will make the coldest Pebble sweat;
7
Where Waters are congeal'd to Stones;
From that strange Land incognita,
Where none but me e'er found the Way;
From Spain, France, Italy, and Holland,
Portugal, Sweedland, Denmark, Poland;
From Blenheim, where we won the Day
O'er Lewis and Bavaria;
From Rammelies, that famous Town,
Where greater Wonders still were done.
Geneva too, I should have hinted,
Where Bibles for the Saints are printed,
In whose fam'd University
I lately took my last Degree.
From Utrick also, where I liv'd,
And many Honours there receiv'd.
From these, and sundry other Places,
Where Arts and Learning shew there Faces,
As Hospitals for the Afflicted,
By Popes and Kings long since erected;
8
And are apply'd with Skill, to cherish
The needy Sick, who else must perish,
Where I my self have long been fam'd
For Cures too many to be nam'd.
From all these Places am I come,
And other Parts of Christendom,
To give m' Assistance now at Home,
And, by G---d's Blessing, to impart
The hidden Pow'r of Physick's Art;
Which, by long Study, I have found
Amongst the Secrets under Ground,
Drawing such Min'ral Vertues forth
From the dark Caverns of the Earth,
That will restore the Blind to Sight,
And make the Cripple walk upright,
Repair Consumptive Lungs decay'd,
And to the Living raise the Dead,
Provided they'll be rul'd by Reason,
And take my Nostrum in due Season.
The first rare Med'cine I present ye,
Alas! is but the least of twenty.
Behold with Wonder, 'tis, you see,
Not half the Bigness of a Pea,
Yet is it of such mighty Force,
That tho' you're stronger than a Horse,
In spite of Sleep, Heat, Cold, or Passion,
'Twill have its usual Operation;
And to the Patients Ease and Wonder,
Will rumble in their Guts like Thunder;
That is, suppose you have about ye,
Either within ye, or without ye,
Twenty Distempers, Pains, or Ailings,
Scabs, Buboes, Nodes, Humps, Bumps, or Swellings,
Gout, Dropsy, Scurvy, Phtisick, Stone,
Or other Ail in Flesh or Bone;
Aches in Shoulders, Head, or Heart,
Legs, Thighs, or some remoter Part,
Whether Invet'rate and Nocturnal,
Or less Luctif'rous and Diurnal.
This little Pill will cause, most surely,
In Nature such a Hurly Burly,
That ev'ry time, when by Extrusion,
It causes downward an Effusion,
'Twill op'rate where you're most opprest,
And carr' off one Disease at least;
Root out the Dregs of your Debauches,
And leave you all as sound as Roaches;
Refine ye, renovate ye, clean ye,
And purge off all Distempers in ye;
Giving to either He or She
A Stool for ev'ry Malady,
And not one Motion more or less,
As near as Human Art can guess;
For 'tis a Pill that ne'er does fail
To operate from Head to Tail;
And is, I will be bold to tell you,
If justly priz'd, of greater Value
Than any Secret ever found
Beneath the Stars above the Ground,
By all the Medicinal Knowledge
Of Gresham or Physicians Colledge.
Alas! is but the least of twenty.
9
Not half the Bigness of a Pea,
Yet is it of such mighty Force,
That tho' you're stronger than a Horse,
In spite of Sleep, Heat, Cold, or Passion,
'Twill have its usual Operation;
And to the Patients Ease and Wonder,
Will rumble in their Guts like Thunder;
That is, suppose you have about ye,
Either within ye, or without ye,
Twenty Distempers, Pains, or Ailings,
Scabs, Buboes, Nodes, Humps, Bumps, or Swellings,
Gout, Dropsy, Scurvy, Phtisick, Stone,
Or other Ail in Flesh or Bone;
Aches in Shoulders, Head, or Heart,
Legs, Thighs, or some remoter Part,
Whether Invet'rate and Nocturnal,
Or less Luctif'rous and Diurnal.
This little Pill will cause, most surely,
In Nature such a Hurly Burly,
That ev'ry time, when by Extrusion,
It causes downward an Effusion,
10
And carr' off one Disease at least;
Root out the Dregs of your Debauches,
And leave you all as sound as Roaches;
Refine ye, renovate ye, clean ye,
And purge off all Distempers in ye;
Giving to either He or She
A Stool for ev'ry Malady,
And not one Motion more or less,
As near as Human Art can guess;
For 'tis a Pill that ne'er does fail
To operate from Head to Tail;
And is, I will be bold to tell you,
If justly priz'd, of greater Value
Than any Secret ever found
Beneath the Stars above the Ground,
By all the Medicinal Knowledge
Of Gresham or Physicians Colledge.
With this small Dose did I recover
Three Eastern Kings, when given over;
In two Days time I made 'em leap
And dance, that scarce before could creep;
Who, to reward my skilful Pains,
Gave me three Medals hung in Chains,
Too rich and weighty to be worn;
Besides, such foppish Pride I scorn;
Gravity, Learning, and Discretion,
Better adorn a good Physician.
Three Eastern Kings, when given over;
In two Days time I made 'em leap
And dance, that scarce before could creep;
11
Gave me three Medals hung in Chains,
Too rich and weighty to be worn;
Besides, such foppish Pride I scorn;
Gravity, Learning, and Discretion,
Better adorn a good Physician.
Popes, Cardinals, and lofty Prelates,
Old Fryars, Nuns, Monks, Punks, and Zealots;
High German Princes, Spanish Dons,
C'zars, Sultans, Chams, and Prestor Johns.
Dukes, Lords, and mighty Men of Wealth,
Has this small Pill restor'd to Health,
When no dull Oxthodox Physician
Could help 'em in their sad Condition.
Thought I, a Pill of so much Fame
Ought not to want a learned Name,
Therefore for mighty Cures 't 'as done,
I call it my Panpharmacon;
Whence you may find, that hear me speak,
I'm not a Stranger to the Greek.
A thousand other Virtues still
Could I ascribe to this small Pill:
But fulsome Praise begets a Loathing;
Too much of one thing's good for nothing.
Old Fryars, Nuns, Monks, Punks, and Zealots;
High German Princes, Spanish Dons,
C'zars, Sultans, Chams, and Prestor Johns.
Dukes, Lords, and mighty Men of Wealth,
Has this small Pill restor'd to Health,
When no dull Oxthodox Physician
Could help 'em in their sad Condition.
Thought I, a Pill of so much Fame
Ought not to want a learned Name,
Therefore for mighty Cures 't 'as done,
I call it my Panpharmacon;
Whence you may find, that hear me speak,
I'm not a Stranger to the Greek.
A thousand other Virtues still
Could I ascribe to this small Pill:
12
Too much of one thing's good for nothing.
Next, I present ye with my Plaister,
That heals and cures the worst Disaster;
Hernia's, King's Evils, knotty Tumors,
Sores owing to a Flux of Humors,
Hard Swellings, Ringworms, Tetters, Cankers,
Nodes, Buboes, Ulcers, Scabs, or Shankers,
Wens, Whitloes, Bruises, Inflammations,
Horns, Corns, kib'd Heels, and Dislocations,
Fractures, Distortions, Strains, and Sprains,
Old Aches, and all sorts of Pains,
By this my never-failing Plaister,
Are cur'd as sure as G---d's in Gloc'ster:
Clap it but on the Part aggriev'd,
You'll in an Instant be reliev'd,
And then you'll say you're not deceiv'd.
That heals and cures the worst Disaster;
Hernia's, King's Evils, knotty Tumors,
Sores owing to a Flux of Humors,
Hard Swellings, Ringworms, Tetters, Cankers,
Nodes, Buboes, Ulcers, Scabs, or Shankers,
Wens, Whitloes, Bruises, Inflammations,
Horns, Corns, kib'd Heels, and Dislocations,
Fractures, Distortions, Strains, and Sprains,
Old Aches, and all sorts of Pains,
By this my never-failing Plaister,
Are cur'd as sure as G---d's in Gloc'ster:
Clap it but on the Part aggriev'd,
You'll in an Instant be reliev'd,
And then you'll say you're not deceiv'd.
If Surgeons, wanting Skill or Care,
(For many such we know there are)
By their ill Treatment, should occasion
A Gangreene or Mortification,
This instantly the Danger stops,
Altho' the Patient's past all Hopes;
And will, I boldly dare maintain,
Where e'er 'tis us'd, that Credit gain,
Which vain Pretenders cannot chuse
But, thro' their Ign'rance, daily lose;
Tho' I confess, as Times now go,
'Tis something difficult to know
The skilful Doctor from the Quack:
But if you'd shun that gross Mistake,
Try me but in the worst Condition,
And I, you'll find, am the Physician.
(For many such we know there are)
By their ill Treatment, should occasion
A Gangreene or Mortification,
13
Altho' the Patient's past all Hopes;
And will, I boldly dare maintain,
Where e'er 'tis us'd, that Credit gain,
Which vain Pretenders cannot chuse
But, thro' their Ign'rance, daily lose;
Tho' I confess, as Times now go,
'Tis something difficult to know
The skilful Doctor from the Quack:
But if you'd shun that gross Mistake,
Try me but in the worst Condition,
And I, you'll find, am the Physician.
One Virtue more, upon the Faith
Of Man, this exc'lent Plaister hath:
It cleans and heals infallibly
Green Wounds i' th' twinkling of an Eye,
By Cannon-Ball, or Pistol-shot,
Contusion inward, Thrust, or Cut,
Given by Hatchet, Scythe, or Sword;
Squeeze of a heavy Log or Board,
Rent of a Tenter-hook or Nail,
Bruise of a Faulshion or a Flail;
Unlucky Blow upon the Noddle
Given by Shovel, Tongs, or Ladle,
When Man or Wife, thro' Provocation,
Shall use such Weapons in their Passion.
All broken Heads, and bloody Snouts,
In Quarrels gain'd at drunken Bouts:
All Kicks and Cuffs, Thumps, Bumps, and Pinches,
Given by Bullies to their Wenches.
Besides, it is a Plaister rare
For all new Marry'd Men to wear;
Let 'em but to their Reins apply 't,
And they'll perform with more Delight
The Nuptial Bus'ness of the Night:
'Twill reinforce the Veins and Muscles,
And strengthen the Spermatick Vessels;
Make the good Man so much inclin'd
To love, and so excessive kind,
That, least his 'Spouse should find a Nack
Of Jilting his prolifick Back,
He'd soon abound with such a Clutter
Of Children, that would make him mutter
To find them Milk, and Bread, and Butter.
Of Man, this exc'lent Plaister hath:
It cleans and heals infallibly
Green Wounds i' th' twinkling of an Eye,
By Cannon-Ball, or Pistol-shot,
Contusion inward, Thrust, or Cut,
Given by Hatchet, Scythe, or Sword;
Squeeze of a heavy Log or Board,
Rent of a Tenter-hook or Nail,
Bruise of a Faulshion or a Flail;
14
Given by Shovel, Tongs, or Ladle,
When Man or Wife, thro' Provocation,
Shall use such Weapons in their Passion.
All broken Heads, and bloody Snouts,
In Quarrels gain'd at drunken Bouts:
All Kicks and Cuffs, Thumps, Bumps, and Pinches,
Given by Bullies to their Wenches.
Besides, it is a Plaister rare
For all new Marry'd Men to wear;
Let 'em but to their Reins apply 't,
And they'll perform with more Delight
The Nuptial Bus'ness of the Night:
'Twill reinforce the Veins and Muscles,
And strengthen the Spermatick Vessels;
Make the good Man so much inclin'd
To love, and so excessive kind,
That, least his 'Spouse should find a Nack
Of Jilting his prolifick Back,
He'd soon abound with such a Clutter
Of Children, that would make him mutter
To find them Milk, and Bread, and Butter.
15
This Plaister, I can make appear,
Is daily sent for far and near,
To help decrepit crazy Leachers,
And old decay'd F---k T---s,
Who've brought their Loyns to strength'ning Plaisters
By holding forth to H---y S---s.
Is daily sent for far and near,
To help decrepit crazy Leachers,
And old decay'd F---k T---s,
Who've brought their Loyns to strength'ning Plaisters
By holding forth to H---y S---s.
Strange Wonders have I often done
By this Restorative alone.
An Indian Princess, in my Travel,
Was troubl'd so with Stone and Gravel,
That all Folks thought she would have dy'd,
'Till I most artfully apply'd
This Plaister to a certain Place,
Most proper in so bad a Case;
By which such present Ease was given,
That she cry'd out, she was in Heaven!
Well might she breathe forth this Expression,
For by my pow'rful Application,
I made her void a Stone, in fine,
Almost as big as both of mine;
Which when she'ad done, she did arise
From her rich Couch, and kiss'd me twice;
Gave me a Jewel for a Token,
Worth more than yet I ever spoke on.
By this Restorative alone.
An Indian Princess, in my Travel,
Was troubl'd so with Stone and Gravel,
That all Folks thought she would have dy'd,
'Till I most artfully apply'd
This Plaister to a certain Place,
Most proper in so bad a Case;
By which such present Ease was given,
That she cry'd out, she was in Heaven!
Well might she breathe forth this Expression,
For by my pow'rful Application,
I made her void a Stone, in fine,
Almost as big as both of mine;
Which when she'ad done, she did arise
From her rich Couch, and kiss'd me twice;
16
Worth more than yet I ever spoke on.
Once, when I'd travell'd from Majorquy
With Don Sabastine, into Turky,
B'ing much perswaded by a Couple
Of Bassa's at Constantinople,
We walk'd to the Grand Seignior's Court,
Where he and all his Train resort,
But found him roaring on the Wrack,
With a strange Weakness in his Back,
Got, I suppose, by's Carnal Sins
Amongst his Nest of Concubines.
Thought I, what tho' this mighty Man
Is a profess'd Mahometan,
And Tooth and Nail maintains that Libel,
The Alch'ran 'gainst the Holy Bible,
Yet Christians ought to do no less
Than help the Heathen in Distress;
Therefore, within my self, said I,
He shall not in this Mis'ry lie;
Tho' he's a Turk, I'll give him Ease,
Let Turks use Christians as they please.
So step'd into his Presence-Room.
Most mighty Prince, said I, I'm come
To cure your Grievance in a Minute,
Or I'll be hang'd by this Day Se'ennight.
With that he gave a gracious Nod,
Bidding me do whate'er I wou'd,
And did so kind a Smile impart,
That shew'd him glad with all his Heart.
When thus the Grand and Mighty Turk
Had giv'n me leave to go to work,
This Plaister only I apply'd
Above his Rump from Side to Side,
Which in a Moment's Time reliev'd him
Of all the wracking Pains that griev'd him,
Whilst those about him stood amaz'd,
And on the Christian Doctor gaz'd,
As if I'd been some Angel, sent
From Heav'n to ease his Punishment:
With that the Seignior humbly bow'd,
I'm well, says he, by all that's good;
Then rising from his Royal Chair,
He thank'd me for my Skill and Care,
And from his own left Side he drew,
And gave to me in publick View,
This Bucks-horn handl'd Scymiter,
Which, to my Honour, now I wear;
Besides, a Purse of Gold, I'm sure,
That at my Lodgings cost me more
Than six full Hours to tell it o'er.
A thousand Wonders more than these,
This Salve has done beyond the Seas,
Besides the mighty Cures at Home,
And other Parts of Christendom;
But that I hate to tire your Patience
With long impertinent Relations.
With Don Sabastine, into Turky,
B'ing much perswaded by a Couple
Of Bassa's at Constantinople,
We walk'd to the Grand Seignior's Court,
Where he and all his Train resort,
But found him roaring on the Wrack,
With a strange Weakness in his Back,
Got, I suppose, by's Carnal Sins
Amongst his Nest of Concubines.
Thought I, what tho' this mighty Man
Is a profess'd Mahometan,
And Tooth and Nail maintains that Libel,
The Alch'ran 'gainst the Holy Bible,
Yet Christians ought to do no less
Than help the Heathen in Distress;
Therefore, within my self, said I,
He shall not in this Mis'ry lie;
Tho' he's a Turk, I'll give him Ease,
Let Turks use Christians as they please.
17
Most mighty Prince, said I, I'm come
To cure your Grievance in a Minute,
Or I'll be hang'd by this Day Se'ennight.
With that he gave a gracious Nod,
Bidding me do whate'er I wou'd,
And did so kind a Smile impart,
That shew'd him glad with all his Heart.
When thus the Grand and Mighty Turk
Had giv'n me leave to go to work,
This Plaister only I apply'd
Above his Rump from Side to Side,
Which in a Moment's Time reliev'd him
Of all the wracking Pains that griev'd him,
Whilst those about him stood amaz'd,
And on the Christian Doctor gaz'd,
As if I'd been some Angel, sent
From Heav'n to ease his Punishment:
With that the Seignior humbly bow'd,
I'm well, says he, by all that's good;
Then rising from his Royal Chair,
He thank'd me for my Skill and Care,
18
And gave to me in publick View,
This Bucks-horn handl'd Scymiter,
Which, to my Honour, now I wear;
Besides, a Purse of Gold, I'm sure,
That at my Lodgings cost me more
Than six full Hours to tell it o'er.
A thousand Wonders more than these,
This Salve has done beyond the Seas,
Besides the mighty Cures at Home,
And other Parts of Christendom;
But that I hate to tire your Patience
With long impertinent Relations.
Thirdly, Observe this little Paper,
Which, without Flatt'ry, Boast, or Vapour,
Contains, I justly may assert,
The very Miracle of Art;
That is, my Pulvis Mineralis,
Prepar'd from Hodge Podge Infernalis.
We Men of Learning, and of Skill,
Sometimes in crabbed Words must deal;
For should we talk in Terms more plain,
How would th' illit'rate Vulgar then
Know we're more learn'd than other Men.
Which, without Flatt'ry, Boast, or Vapour,
Contains, I justly may assert,
The very Miracle of Art;
That is, my Pulvis Mineralis,
Prepar'd from Hodge Podge Infernalis.
We Men of Learning, and of Skill,
Sometimes in crabbed Words must deal;
19
How would th' illit'rate Vulgar then
Know we're more learn'd than other Men.
But as to this Vermatick Powder,
More fam'd in Wales, than Owen Tudor,
For curing those that are afflicted
With Worms, to which they're much addicted;
Gen'rated chiefly from the Lees
Of stinking Leeks, and toasted Cheese.
This very Med'cine, I assert, is
Worth the whole Indies for its Virtues;
For what avails the greatest Wealth
To him that cannot purchase Health;
But note, that either Man or Woman,
Marry'd or not, reserv'd or common,
Breeding or kibbed, sick or lazy,
Maids, Jades, or Thornbacks, crank or crazy,
Green-sickness Wenches, young or old Boy,
From swaddl'd Infant, to the tall Boy;
All Ages, Sexes, Rich or Poor,
If troubled with the Worms, I'm sure
This Powder is a speedy Cure.
If, I confess, implys a Doubt,
When not one Mortal lives without;
For Worms, as says the famous Harvey,
Are Epidemick as the Scurvy,
And destroy more, upon my Word,
Than Famine, Pestilence, or Sword.
More fam'd in Wales, than Owen Tudor,
For curing those that are afflicted
With Worms, to which they're much addicted;
Gen'rated chiefly from the Lees
Of stinking Leeks, and toasted Cheese.
This very Med'cine, I assert, is
Worth the whole Indies for its Virtues;
For what avails the greatest Wealth
To him that cannot purchase Health;
But note, that either Man or Woman,
Marry'd or not, reserv'd or common,
Breeding or kibbed, sick or lazy,
Maids, Jades, or Thornbacks, crank or crazy,
Green-sickness Wenches, young or old Boy,
From swaddl'd Infant, to the tall Boy;
All Ages, Sexes, Rich or Poor,
If troubled with the Worms, I'm sure
This Powder is a speedy Cure.
20
When not one Mortal lives without;
For Worms, as says the famous Harvey,
Are Epidemick as the Scurvy,
And destroy more, upon my Word,
Than Famine, Pestilence, or Sword.
Pale languid Looks, and fainting Fits,
False and Voratious Appetites,
Vomiting, Looseness, Trembling, Griping,
Laziness, and immod'rate Sleeping,
Want of Digestion, craving Drowth,
Dull Eyes, dry Lips, and feav'rish Mouth,
Unsav'ry Belches after Drinking,
Foul Stomach, and a Breath that's stinking,
All these are Symptoms, that will tell ye
You've crawling Insects in your Belly,
Nor is it there alone, we know,
That these destructive Vermin grow.
But also in the Tail and Head,
That these intestine Monsters breed.
This makes young Wenches so unsettl'd,
When the Worm bites, their Rumps are nettl'd.
So Maggots, that in Brains lie lurking,
Who, like to Ants, are always working,
Prey on the Fibres by degrees,
As hungry Vermin nibble Cheese,
'Till, to the Patient's great Abuse,
They've let th' Immagination loose;
Which wanting Bounds, confounds, we see,
The Judgment, and the Memory.
This is the Cause of Mens Distractions,
And all their wild and wicked Actions.
Therefore, if you would guard your Senses
Against these dreadful Consequences,
Take this my Powder, and 'twill clean ye
From all those knawing Plagues within ye,
And purge off those Vermatick Juices,
And slimy Dregs, thro' Nature's Sluces,
That breed these Vermin, which we find
So daily fatal to Mankind.
False and Voratious Appetites,
Vomiting, Looseness, Trembling, Griping,
Laziness, and immod'rate Sleeping,
Want of Digestion, craving Drowth,
Dull Eyes, dry Lips, and feav'rish Mouth,
Unsav'ry Belches after Drinking,
Foul Stomach, and a Breath that's stinking,
All these are Symptoms, that will tell ye
You've crawling Insects in your Belly,
Nor is it there alone, we know,
That these destructive Vermin grow.
But also in the Tail and Head,
That these intestine Monsters breed.
This makes young Wenches so unsettl'd,
When the Worm bites, their Rumps are nettl'd.
21
Who, like to Ants, are always working,
Prey on the Fibres by degrees,
As hungry Vermin nibble Cheese,
'Till, to the Patient's great Abuse,
They've let th' Immagination loose;
Which wanting Bounds, confounds, we see,
The Judgment, and the Memory.
This is the Cause of Mens Distractions,
And all their wild and wicked Actions.
Therefore, if you would guard your Senses
Against these dreadful Consequences,
Take this my Powder, and 'twill clean ye
From all those knawing Plagues within ye,
And purge off those Vermatick Juices,
And slimy Dregs, thro' Nature's Sluces,
That breed these Vermin, which we find
So daily fatal to Mankind.
Once in my Travels, I remember,
Thro' China, in the Month December,
The King of Tunquin's eldest Daughter,
By eating Trash, and drinking Water,
Was troubl'd with such griping Pains
About her Bowels and her Reins,
That not her Father's best Physician
Could judge the Cause of her Condition;
At last, she hearing of the Fame
Of Doctor Mendax, that's my Name,
Sent to my Inn two Maids of Honour,
To beg that I would wait upon her.
With that I posted to the Court,
Rev'renc'd by all the nobler Sort;
And when I'd felt her Pulse, and view'd her,
I gave her but one Dose of Powder,
Which in six Minutes time, or less,
Caus'd her to void, I do profess,
A Worm so like a Female Child,
That all the gazing Courtiers smil'd;
Whose monst'rous Figure you may see
Portray'd in Parey's Surgery.
Thro' China, in the Month December,
The King of Tunquin's eldest Daughter,
By eating Trash, and drinking Water,
22
About her Bowels and her Reins,
That not her Father's best Physician
Could judge the Cause of her Condition;
At last, she hearing of the Fame
Of Doctor Mendax, that's my Name,
Sent to my Inn two Maids of Honour,
To beg that I would wait upon her.
With that I posted to the Court,
Rev'renc'd by all the nobler Sort;
And when I'd felt her Pulse, and view'd her,
I gave her but one Dose of Powder,
Which in six Minutes time, or less,
Caus'd her to void, I do profess,
A Worm so like a Female Child,
That all the gazing Courtiers smil'd;
Whose monst'rous Figure you may see
Portray'd in Parey's Surgery.
Dutch Fro's in Numbers have I cur'd
Of Gripings scarce to be endur'd;
B' infusing this in Drams of Nantz,
I've cleans'd their Wombs, and scowr'd from thence
Whole Nests of Suterkins at once.
Of Gripings scarce to be endur'd;
23
I've cleans'd their Wombs, and scowr'd from thence
Whole Nests of Suterkins at once.
On Rich and Poor about this Town,
Strange Wonders has this Powder done,
And by its Medicinal Strength,
Has brought forth Worms ten Foot in Length,
Whose true Description you may see
In my renown'd Epitome
Of Clark's Vermatick History.
Strange Wonders has this Powder done,
And by its Medicinal Strength,
Has brought forth Worms ten Foot in Length,
Whose true Description you may see
In my renown'd Epitome
Of Clark's Vermatick History.
Therefore, if you would healthy be,
With this small Paper you may free
Your Selves and Children in your Arms,
From these destructive Swarms of Worms,
Who else like Canibals will treat ye,
Destroy ye first, and after eat ye.
With this small Paper you may free
Your Selves and Children in your Arms,
From these destructive Swarms of Worms,
Who else like Canibals will treat ye,
Destroy ye first, and after eat ye.
My last rare Med'cine, and the best,
Fam'd thro' the World above the rest,
Is to all Courts and Kingdoms known
By th' Name of my Orvieton.
Within this Pot such Virtues dwell,
Too num'rous for my Tongue to tell;
And if its Worth I can't explain,
I'm sure no Mortal living can:
'Tis richer than a Mine of Gold,
Tho' 'tis but for a Trifle sold.
'Tis ev'ry Med'cine you can name,
And will for ever be the same:
'Tis neither bitter, sharp, nor fulsome,
But toothsome, and divinely wholsome,
Yet after all 'tis but a Balsam;
But such I'd have the World to know,
That no Dispensary can show;
For this has more Ingredients in it,
Than I could name by this Day Se'ennight,
And has more Gifts, or Virtues rather,
Than all their Med'cines put together.
Fam'd thro' the World above the rest,
Is to all Courts and Kingdoms known
By th' Name of my Orvieton.
Within this Pot such Virtues dwell,
Too num'rous for my Tongue to tell;
24
I'm sure no Mortal living can:
'Tis richer than a Mine of Gold,
Tho' 'tis but for a Trifle sold.
'Tis ev'ry Med'cine you can name,
And will for ever be the same:
'Tis neither bitter, sharp, nor fulsome,
But toothsome, and divinely wholsome,
Yet after all 'tis but a Balsam;
But such I'd have the World to know,
That no Dispensary can show;
For this has more Ingredients in it,
Than I could name by this Day Se'ennight,
And has more Gifts, or Virtues rather,
Than all their Med'cines put together.
In the first place, 'tis known of old
To expel Poysons hot or cold,
As Arsnick, Vitriol, Antimony,
Tho' working ne'er so vi'lent on ye;
Mercury crude or sublimated,
Dulcify'd or precipitated,
From Herbs or Insects drawn or bruis'd,
Given mix'd, simply, or infus'd;
Cantharides or Aqæ Fortis,
No matter what destructive sort 'tis:
This inwardly apply'd, will cure
The dying Patient in an Hour,
Or else will I be found to forfeit
My All, and leave my self with bare Feet;
And that's much more, my Servants know,
Than some Physicians have to show.
To expel Poysons hot or cold,
As Arsnick, Vitriol, Antimony,
Tho' working ne'er so vi'lent on ye;
Mercury crude or sublimated,
Dulcify'd or precipitated,
25
Given mix'd, simply, or infus'd;
Cantharides or Aqæ Fortis,
No matter what destructive sort 'tis:
This inwardly apply'd, will cure
The dying Patient in an Hour,
Or else will I be found to forfeit
My All, and leave my self with bare Feet;
And that's much more, my Servants know,
Than some Physicians have to show.
All Bites of Serpent, Snake, or Adder,
Nute, Scorpion, Slow-worm, Toad, or Spider,
Pelonga, Noy, or Cockatrice,
That darts her Venom with her Eyes;
Of Basalisk, or Salamander,
Whose Coldness damps the burning Cinder;
Of Crocadile, or Aligator,
Or any other hurtful Creature,
That are by Nature Serpentine,
Or to that Hellish Brood a kin:
Sting of a Hornet, Bee, or Wasp,
Nat, Bug, Tarantula, or Asp;
Wound of a poyson'd Launce or Dart,
Chew'd Bullet, tho' in any Part,
This Pot of Balsam, I'll maintain it,
By th' Herbs, Drugs, Oils, and Spices in it,
Will cure, to th' Patient's Heart's Desire,
As sure as Water quenches Fire:
Warm it but o'er a Candle's Flame,
So outwardly apply the same,
And if you find it does not do
The wond'rous Cures I promise you,
Then I'll be hang'd, and my Horse too.
Nute, Scorpion, Slow-worm, Toad, or Spider,
Pelonga, Noy, or Cockatrice,
That darts her Venom with her Eyes;
Of Basalisk, or Salamander,
Whose Coldness damps the burning Cinder;
Of Crocadile, or Aligator,
Or any other hurtful Creature,
That are by Nature Serpentine,
Or to that Hellish Brood a kin:
Sting of a Hornet, Bee, or Wasp,
Nat, Bug, Tarantula, or Asp;
26
Chew'd Bullet, tho' in any Part,
This Pot of Balsam, I'll maintain it,
By th' Herbs, Drugs, Oils, and Spices in it,
Will cure, to th' Patient's Heart's Desire,
As sure as Water quenches Fire:
Warm it but o'er a Candle's Flame,
So outwardly apply the same,
And if you find it does not do
The wond'rous Cures I promise you,
Then I'll be hang'd, and my Horse too.
The King of Siam, by his Queen
Poyson'd, because behind the Skreen
She found he 'ad us'd some am'rous Sport
With a fair Lady of his Court;
Tho' swell'd as big, I dare rely on't,
As Elephant, or Guild-Hall Giant,
So that his Sides, in spite of Chaffing,
Burst out, you must not think with Laughing;
Yet did this Balsam, I assure ye,
(The same that I expose before ye,)
In half an Hour his Health recover,
And made him full as sound as ever;
For which I gen'rously was paid;
And if in Siam I'd have stay'd,
He would have given me a Pension
Too tempting, and too large to mention.
Craz'd Lovers, poor dejected Varlots,
Old starving Bawds, discarded Harlots,
Moaping Enthusiastick Priests,
Mad Athiests, and despairing Deists;
Ambitious States-men disappointed,
Old Bankrupt Traders quite disjointed;
Young spendthrift Beaus, by Friends rejected,
Maids got with Child, and then neglected,
When poyson'd by themselves in Passion,
Mov'd by the Devil's Instigation;
This Antidote, upon my Word,
Has not alone their Health restor'd,
But brought 'em to their perfect Sense,
As all the World can Evidence.
Poyson'd, because behind the Skreen
She found he 'ad us'd some am'rous Sport
With a fair Lady of his Court;
Tho' swell'd as big, I dare rely on't,
As Elephant, or Guild-Hall Giant,
So that his Sides, in spite of Chaffing,
Burst out, you must not think with Laughing;
Yet did this Balsam, I assure ye,
(The same that I expose before ye,)
27
And made him full as sound as ever;
For which I gen'rously was paid;
And if in Siam I'd have stay'd,
He would have given me a Pension
Too tempting, and too large to mention.
Craz'd Lovers, poor dejected Varlots,
Old starving Bawds, discarded Harlots,
Moaping Enthusiastick Priests,
Mad Athiests, and despairing Deists;
Ambitious States-men disappointed,
Old Bankrupt Traders quite disjointed;
Young spendthrift Beaus, by Friends rejected,
Maids got with Child, and then neglected,
When poyson'd by themselves in Passion,
Mov'd by the Devil's Instigation;
This Antidote, upon my Word,
Has not alone their Health restor'd,
But brought 'em to their perfect Sense,
As all the World can Evidence.
Therefore, if you preserv'd would be
From all these Ills and Dangers free,
Win it, and wear it, buy it, take it;
Such Health you'll find in this small Packet,
That in the worst Distress, will never
Fail ye, but make you live for ever:
All for a trivial Sum I sell ye,
So small, that I'm asham'd to tell ye,
For 'tis not Money that I value;
I travel for the Good o' th' Poor,
And scorn to ask a Farthing more
Than one small Six-pence for the four;
And four such Med'cines, I am sure,
So safe, so excellently pure,
So well prepar'd, so truly good,
Were never us'd since Noah's Flood.
You that neglect, will wish you'd had 'em:
You're welcome, Sir. Your Servant, Madam.
From all these Ills and Dangers free,
28
Such Health you'll find in this small Packet,
That in the worst Distress, will never
Fail ye, but make you live for ever:
All for a trivial Sum I sell ye,
So small, that I'm asham'd to tell ye,
For 'tis not Money that I value;
I travel for the Good o' th' Poor,
And scorn to ask a Farthing more
Than one small Six-pence for the four;
And four such Med'cines, I am sure,
So safe, so excellently pure,
So well prepar'd, so truly good,
Were never us'd since Noah's Flood.
You that neglect, will wish you'd had 'em:
You're welcome, Sir. Your Servant, Madam.
| Hudibras Redivivus | |