University of Virginia Library

36. XXXVI.

I WUZ a sittin in the Post Offis, day before yesterday,
a cogitatin over the glorious results uv
the Ohio and Pennsylvany elections, and hopin for
an ekally good report from Noo York, thinkin the
while that perhaps ef my hopes wuz realized, and
sich a Constooshnel Dimokrat ez Pendleton or Seymour
shood be elected, I mite, in considerashun uv
my long, and I bleeve valuable services, aspire to
suthin higher, and better, and more profitable than
a Post Offis, sich ez I am at present holdin. I do
not complain, for the posishen hez bin the means
uv establishin a credit upon wich I hev lived thus
far comfortable; but yet I shood prefer a place

where the salary wood be suffishent to give me
enuff so that I cood lay up suthin for old age.
The time is not far off when my individooel exertions
will not supply my wants.

I felt good over the victory, and it seemed to me
ez tho we ought to speak, ez Kentuckians, to our
brethren North, instructin uv em how to hold the
Staits wich they hev won for us. When I deside
upon a pint I alluz act, and so it wuz this time.

I give notis, by Issaker Gavitt, that the Corners
wood assemble at the tootin uv the horn, for the
purpose uv sendin forth the voice uv Kentucky to
the Staits North. The evenin come, the horn wuz
tooted from the steps uv the church, and the entire
Corners wuz there. Deekin Pogram wuz in his
regler seat; Issaker Gavitt wuz in his sainted father's
place, wich hez gone hentz. Kernel McPelter wuz
there, and also the others who make up the male
population uv the Corners, and their wives. It wuz
a glorious meetin, and I wuz a rubbin my hands
and feelin good at the prospeck uv an improvin
occashun, when, to my utter disgust, I saw the door
open, and Joe Bigler, who wuz born to be my pest,
come in, with Pollock, and twenty or twenty-five
niggers, old and young, male and female, white,
yaller, and black, and all uv em took seats together

in the corner uv the church. I knowd by the meek
look uv the niggers, and the eggstreem quietood uv
Bigler hisself, that suthin wuz up, wich would uv
course develop itself. Bigler and Pollock generally
develop.

I opened the meetin by remarkin that the times
wore an auspishus look. The power uv the nigger
in Amerikin politics hed bin demonstrated. The
nigger hed bin so manipulated in Ohio and Pennsylvany
ez to give us these States, which we cood
hold ef we choose. But the Dimocrisy uv Ohio
and Pennsylvany hed a work to do, wich they cannot
neglect with safety. They had declared the
nigger inferior to the Caucashen, wich he undeniably
is, and they must keep him so. The nigger
must be kept jist eggsackly wher he is, to serve ez
a iirritant to Dimocrisy. Ohio gives the niggers uv
that State certain facilities for learnin to reed and
write; accomplishments wich no laborin class wich
is to be guided, controlled, and worked excloosively
by a sooperior class, needs or hez any biznis with.
So soon ez a man begins to reed he begins to hev
an inquirin mind, and begins to feel a dissatisfaction
with his speer. Let Ohio repeel these laws to-wunst,
that the niggers may not —”

“Reverse the arrangement,” sed Joe Bigler, risin,

“and git to be the sooperior uv the white. Is that
it, Perfesser?”

“Not eggsackly that,” returned I, not knowin
wat he wuz drivin at, “but ez Hevin ordained the
niggers to be inferior to us, and serve us, it looks
rather dangerous to —”

“Give him a chance to rise? That's what yoor
gettin at, I see. I am, and always wuz a Dimocrat,
ez yoo know; but I don't shudder from that cause
— not any. I hev faith in the Lord, wich yoo appear
to lack, wich is strange, considerin yoor profeshun.
Ef my colored friends here wuz ordained
by the Almighty to alluz okkepy an inferior position
to us, why, they'll
do it anyhow, onless, indeed, we
degrade ourselves below ther level. Ef I understand
yoor idea, it is that the proud Caucashen is
the only favored race, wich fixes its own posishen
itself, and that all the other races hed places assigned
them, wich Godalmity hevin fixed, they can't
pass. That bein the case, wat's the yoose, Perfesser,
uv our foolin away our time a tryin to strengthen
his laws by any act uv ours? Ef the Almighty
fixed it so, kin we do it any better than he?”

“But spos'n the nigger, ef we don't keep him
down by law, shood rise above us?”

“I shood unanimously conclood that ther hed bin

a mistake in the figgers, and that we wuz, after all,
the sons uv Ham and they the sons uv Japheth.
How wood yoo like that? But that ain't wat ails
us. There, Perfesser, ain't where our danger is.
Dimocrisy, like a man with a tape-worm, carries the
elements uv its own destruckshen. Missegenashun
is wat's sappin the foundashuns uv the party. —
Agreein with you that the nigger's place is fixed,
and that the Dimocrisy coodent git along a minit
without the nigger, I here utter my solemn warning
agin the continyooal lessenin uv the race, becoz
that race is our rock, and onto that we stand.
Wat sense is there in wastin our capital, or ruther
dilutin it?”

“Wat do yoo mean?” askt I, not gettin at the
drift uv wat he wuz drivin at.

“Mean! My meanin is plain. The blacker the
nigger is, the further he is below us; the whiter he
is, the nearer our ekal he is. In this calculashun we
don't take intelligence, or virchoo, or anything of the
kind into account, but perceed upon the hypothesis
that a devilish mean white man is considerable better
than a smart and honest nigger. Therefore, any
drop uv white blood in a nigger's veins makes him
just one drop less objectionable. Look at the specimens
wich I hev brought with me to illustrate my
pint. The light-colored niggers will rise.”

And every cussed one uv em got up, ez ef by
majic, and I saw to-wunst wat he wuz goin for.

“Yoo see, Perfesser, I hev here twenty-two spiled
niggers. Every one uv them ought to hev bin the
son or daughter uv two pure niggers, but they ain't.
This one's mother, for instance,” and he laid his
hand upon the shoulder uv a likely quadroon uv
eighteen years, “wuz wunst the property uv Deekin
Pogram, wich circumstance accounts for her
hevin the Pogram nose and general cast uv countenance
to an alarmin degree, and —”

Ther wuz a piercin shreek heard, and Mrs. Pogram
was carried out faintin, and the Deekin turned
ez red ez a lobster, while Bigler, ez solemn ez a
judge, went on: —

“This girl wuz wunst the property uv Deekin
McGrath, who is, I notis, here to-nite. Melissy,
stand up,” sed he, and a likely mulatto woman ariz.
“You will notis,” sed he, “that Melissy is rather
dark, while her girl, wich yoo see afore yoo, is quite
a half lighter. The race bleached out considerable
on Deekin McGrath's place. I hev, in my recollection,
ten or fifteen more, uv various shades, who hev
the McGrath face, but —”

Mrs. Deekin McGrath, utterin a shreek uv rage,
swung out of the church, while the Deekin to-wunst

assoomed the color uv his fellow Deekin,
Pogram.

“I mite go on; but wherefore? Yoo all see the
pint. I kin show yoo, in this colleckshun, wich I
hev picked up, the pecoolyer feachers uv the Dingeses,
the McPelters, the Bascoms, and every family
around these parts, — that is, the feechers uv the
male members uv em. But sence the emancipashun
I hev notist that this thing hez come to a sudden
endin. I hev notist that sence the niggers hev
owned theirselves, there ain't no more uv this mixter.
Yoo purpose, I suppose, agin redoosin uv em
to their normal condishun, and makin uv em menservants
and maid-servants. Ef this is done, let me
entreet yoo, brethren, to stop the bleachin process.
Ef yoo hev any regard for the Dimocrisy, don't tolerate
it no more. The moment a half-white nigger
is born, yoo can't enslave only half uv him; for
only half comes under the cuss, and only half under
the laws agin niggers. That one half keeps down
to the Ham level, but tother half sores to the Japhet
place in nacher. Yoo can't whale a mulatto with
only half the intensity yoo kin a clear-blooded nigger;
and when they keep bleachin out, and out, and
out, ontil they are almost white, what then? When
a nigger is nine tenths Pogram, and only one tenth

nigger, what then? Kin the Deekin be so deaf to
the voice uv nacher — so bare uv impulse ez to
oppress so much Pogram for the sake uv gettin his
foot on so little nigger? I can't beleeve it. Besides,
when it's all run out — when the nigger don't
show at all — then wat is to prevent em from walkin
off alone, and settin up in biznis for themselves ez
white men? What will become uv the Dimocrasy
then?”

All this time the niggers wuz titterin, and the
white women wuz gaspin for breath, and the men
wuz turnin red and white by turns. I arose to
rebuke him, when Bigler remarkt that he guest
enuff hed bin sed, and that probably the meeting
hed better be adjourned. And the audacious cuss
give us two minutes and a half to get out uv the
buildin.

I wood give my next quarter's salary ef the yellow
fever wood come to the Corners, pervided I
cood be ashoored that Bigler and Pollock wood be
victims.