The Works of Peter Pindar [i.e. John Wolcot] ... With a Copious Index. To which is prefixed Some Account of his Life. In Four Volumes |
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THE PROUD OLD MAID. |
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 | The Works of Peter Pindar [i.e. John Wolcot] |  |
THE PROUD OLD MAID.
A winking, hobbling, crabbed, proud old maid,
Whose charms had felt a heavy cannonade
From Time's strong batt'ry—to whose lofty nose
A rotten reputation was a rose,
Liv'd in a country town—there spit her spite,
And dwelt on scandal's stories with delight.
Whose charms had felt a heavy cannonade
From Time's strong batt'ry—to whose lofty nose
A rotten reputation was a rose,
Liv'd in a country town—there spit her spite,
And dwelt on scandal's stories with delight.
Proud of her name (though poor) indeed was she;
In genealogies, an epicure;
Knew, to a hair, each person's pedigree,
From that of splendor, to the most obscure.
In genealogies, an epicure;
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From that of splendor, to the most obscure.
Madam Georgina Howard was her name;
An appellation always carrying fame,
As ev'ry Howard kins with Norfolk's duke;
Moreover, ev'ry Campbell of our Isle,
Cobbler, or chimney-sweeper, claims Argyle;
And eke to Queensb'ry doth a Douglas look;
An appellation always carrying fame,
As ev'ry Howard kins with Norfolk's duke;
Moreover, ev'ry Campbell of our Isle,
Cobbler, or chimney-sweeper, claims Argyle;
And eke to Queensb'ry doth a Douglas look;
Boasting a certain portion of that blood,
Not to be wash'd away by Noah's flood.
Not to be wash'd away by Noah's flood.
Cousin of Norfolk, would she often name,
When conversation ask'd for no such kin;
Cousin of Norfolk, then untimely came;
Nay, by the head and shoulders was lugg'd in.
When conversation ask'd for no such kin;
Cousin of Norfolk, then untimely came;
Nay, by the head and shoulders was lugg'd in.
This lady, on a certain darksome night,
From cards returning by a lantern's light;
The lantern by her servant Betty held,
Who walk'd before this dame, to show the way;
When thus it happen'd, sadly let me say,
Such is th' unhappiness of blinking Eld—
From cards returning by a lantern's light;
The lantern by her servant Betty held,
Who walk'd before this dame, to show the way;
When thus it happen'd, sadly let me say,
Such is th' unhappiness of blinking Eld—
As her two eyes so dim could only stare,
And therefore wanted cleaning and repair;
Against some head, her poking head she popp'd—
Dash'd with confusion, suddenly she stopp'd,
Drew back, and bent for once her rusty knee—
‘I beg your pardon, sir,’ said she:
And therefore wanted cleaning and repair;
Against some head, her poking head she popp'd—
Dash'd with confusion, suddenly she stopp'd,
Drew back, and bent for once her rusty knee—
‘I beg your pardon, sir,’ said she:
Then follow'd Mistress Betty.—‘Bless us, Bet,
‘Tell me, who was the gentleman I met;
‘Whose face I bounc'd so hard against with mine?’
Bet could not for her soul the laugh resist—
A gentleman!—a jack-ass, ma'am, you kiss'd;
I hope you found Jack's kisses very fine.’
‘Tell me, who was the gentleman I met;
‘Whose face I bounc'd so hard against with mine?’
Bet could not for her soul the laugh resist—
A gentleman!—a jack-ass, ma'am, you kiss'd;
I hope you found Jack's kisses very fine.’
‘An ass!’ with anger swelling, screech'd the dame—
‘An ass!—Lord! Betty, I shall die with shame!
Give me a knife—I'll spoil the rascal's note:
Give me a knife—I'll run and cut his throat.
Betty, don't say a word on't—that, alas!
I curtsied, and ask'd pardon of an ass!
‘An ass!—Lord! Betty, I shall die with shame!
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Give me a knife—I'll run and cut his throat.
Betty, don't say a word on't—that, alas!
I curtsied, and ask'd pardon of an ass!
| The Works of Peter Pindar [i.e. John Wolcot] | |