 | Artemus Ward, his book ; with many comic
illustrations |  |
THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED.
You hav perhaps wondered wharebouts I was for
these many dase gone and past. Perchans you
sposed I'd gone to the Tomb of the Cappylets, tho I
don't know what those is. It's a popler noospaper
frase.
Listen to my tail, and be silent that ye may here.
I've been among the Seseshers, a earnin my daily
peck by my legitimit perfeshun, and havn't had no
time to weeld my facile quill for “the Grate Komick
paper,” if you'll alow me to kote from your
troothful advertisement.
My success was skaly, and I likewise had a narrer
scape of my life. If what I've bin threw is “Suthern
hosspitality,” 'bout which we've hearn so much,
then I feel bound to obsarve that they made two
much of me. They was altogether too lavish with
their attenshuns.
I went amung the Seseshers with no feelins of
annermosity. I went in my perfeshernal capacity.
I was actooated by one of the most Loftiest desires
which can swell the human Buzzum, viz: — to giv
the peeple their money's worth, by showin them Sagashus
Beests, and Wax Statoots, which I venter to
say air onsurpast by any other statoots anywheres.
I will not call that man who sez my statoots is humbugs
a lier and a hoss thief, but bring him be4 me
and I'll wither him with one of my scornful frowns.
But to proseed with my tail. In my travels
threw the Sonny South I heared a heap of talk
about Seceshon and bustin up the Union, but I
didn't think it mounted to nothin. The politicians
in all the villages was swearin that Old Abe (sometimes
called the Prahayrie flower) should'nt never be
noggerated. They also made fools of theirselves in
varis ways, but as they was used to that I didn't
let it worry me much, and the Stars and Stripes continued
for to wave over my little tent. Moor over, I
was a Son of Malty and a member of several other
Temperance Societies, and my wife she was a Dawter
the infloonz and pertectiun of all the fust families.
Alas! I was dispinted. State arter State seseshed
and it growed hotter and hotter for the undersined.
Things came to a climbmacks in a small town in Alabamy,
where I was premtorally ordered to haul
down the Stars & Stripes. A deppytashun of redfaced
men cum up to the door of my tent ware I
was standin takin money (the arternoon exhibishun
had commenst, an' my Italyun organist was jerkin
his sole-stirrin chimes.) “We air cum, Sir,” said
a millingtary man in a cockt hat, “upon a hi and
holy mishun. The Southern Eagle is screamin
threwout this sunny land — proudly and defiantly
screamin, Sir!”
“What's the matter with him,” sez I, “don't his
vittles sit well on his stummick?”
“That Eagle, Sir, will continner to scream all
over this Brite and tremenjus land!”
“Wall, let him scream. If your Eagle can
amuse hisself by screamin, let him went!” The
men anoyed me for I was Bizzy makin change.
“We are cum, Sir, upon a matter of dooty —”
“You're right, Capting. It's every man's dooty
to visit my show,” sed I.
“We air cum —”
“And that's the reason you are here!” sez I,
larfin one of my silvery larfs. I thawt if he wanted
to goak I'd giv him sum of my sparklin eppygrams.
“Sir, you're inserlent. The plain question is,
will you haul down the Star-Spangled Banner, and
hist the Southern flag!”
“Nary hist!” Those was my reply.
“Your wax works and beests is then confisticated,
& you air arrested as a Spy!”
Sez I, “My fragrant roses of the Southern clime
and Bloomin daffodils, what's the price of whisky in
this town, and how many cubic feet of that seductive
flooid can you individooally hold?”
They made no reply to that, but said my wax figgers
was confisticated. I axed them if that was
ginerally the stile among thieves in that country, to
which they also made no reply, but sed I was arrested
They was by this time jined by a large crowd of
other Southern patrits, who commenst hollerin
“Hang the bald-headed aberlitionist, and bust up
his immoral exhibition!” I was ceased and tied to
a stump, and the crowd went for my tent — that
water-proof pavilion, wherein instruction and amoosment
had been so muchly combined, at 15 cents per
head — and tore it all to pieces. Meanwhile dirty
faced boys was throwin stuns and empty beer bottles
at my massiv brow, and takin other improper
liberties with my person. Resistance was useless,
for a variety of reasons, as I readily obsarved.
The Seseshers confisticated my statoots by smashin
them to attums. They then went to my money
box and confisticated all the loose change therein
contaned. They then went and bust in my cages,
lettin all the animils loose, a small but helthy tiger
among the rest. This tiger has a excentric way
of tearin dogs to peaces, and I allers sposed from
his gineral conduck that he'd hav no hesitashun in
servin human beins in the same way if he could git
boysterrusly when I see that tiger spring in among
the people. “Go it, my sweet cuss!” I inardly
exclaimed, “I forgive you for bitin off my left
thum with all my heart! Rip 'em up like a bully
tiger whose Lare has bin inwaded by Seseshers!”
I can't say for certain that the tiger serisly injured
any of them, but as he was seen a few days
after, sum miles distant, with a large and well selected
assortment of seats of trowsis in his mouth, and
as he lookt as tho he'd bin havin sum vilent exercise,
I rayther guess he did. You will therefore perceive
that they didn't confisticate him much.
I was carrid to Montgomry in iuns and placed in
durans vial. The jail was a ornery edifiss, but the
table was librally surplied with Bakin an Cabbidge.
This was a good variety, for when I didn't hanker
after Bakin I could help myself to the cabbige.
I had nobody to talk to nor nothin to talk about,
howsever, and I was very lonely, specially on the
first day; so when the jailer parst my lonely sell I
put the few stray hairs on the back part of my hed
sweet auburn ringlets) into as dish-hevild a state as
possible, & rollin my eyes like a manyyuck, I cride:
“Stay, jaler, stay! I am not mad but soon shall be
if you don't bring me suthin to Talk!” He brung
me sum noospapers, for which I thanked him kindly.
At larst I got a interview with Jefferson Davis,
the President of the Southern Conthieveracy. He
was quite perlite, and axed me to sit down and state
my case. I did it, when he larfed and said his gallunt
men had been a little 2 enthoosiastic in confisticatin
my show.
“Yes,” sez I, “they confisticated me too muchly.
I had sum hosses confisticated in the same way onct,
but the confisticaters air now poundin stun in the
States Prison in Injinnapylus.”
“Wall, wall, Mister Ward, you air at liberty to
depart; you air frendly to the South, I know.
Even now we hav many frens in the North, who
sympathise with us, and won't mingle with this
fight.”
“J. Davis, there's your grate mistaik. Many of
amung us was fussin about you and meddlin
with your consarns intirely too much. But J.
Davis, the minit you fire a gun at the piece of drygoods
called the Star-Spangled Banner, the North
gits up and rises en massy, in defence of that banner.
Not agin you as individooals, — not agin the
South even — but to save the flag. We should indeed
be weak in the knees, unsound in the heart,
milk-white in the liver, and soft in the hed, if we
stood quietly by and saw this glorus Govyment
smashed to pieces, either by a furrin or a intestine foe.
The gentle-harted mother hates to take her naughty
child across her knee, but she knows it is her dooty
to do it. So we shall hate to whip the naughty
South, but we must do it if you don't make back
tracks at onct, and we shall wallup you out of your
boots! J. Davis, it is my decided opinion that the
Sonny South is makin a egrejus mutton-hed of
herself!”
“Go on, sir, you're safe enuff. You're too small
powder for me!” sed the President of the Southern
Conthieveracy.
“Wait till I go home and start out the Baldinsvill
Mounted Hoss Cavalry! I'm Capting of
that Corpse, I am, and J. Davis, beware! Jefferson
D., I now leave you! Farewell my gay Saler
Boy! Good bye, my bold buccaneer! Pirut of
the deep blue sea, adoo! adoo!”
My tower threw the Southern Conthieveracy on
my way home was thrillin enuff for yeller covers.
It will form the subjeck of my next. Betsy Jane
and the progeny air well.
| Artemus Ward, his book ; with many comic
illustrations | |