Canidia, or the Witches :: :: University of Virginia Library

Quere, If Toad-stools be Plants?
Quere, If Flora ben't one of mine Aunts?
Generatio non est ab Idæis,
Gentes non miscent cum Judæis.
Homo est Arbor Inversa,
Est Res valdè Controversa.
Ignis datur Inexstinguibilis,
Pontifex-præsumitur Infallibilis.

Phago and Clodios were Platter-Scowrers,
Marriot and Wood were the greatest Devourers.
We us'd a Roguish Trick full bold,
To make Wives hot, and Husbands cold.
Priapism or Frigidity,
Come by Jealousie or Timidity.
From hence sprang Cuckolds new and old,
So many as can ne're be told;
Poor Creatures, meerly bought and sold.

The poor Greek Slave with aking Heart,
Chain'd to the Mill, sang a doleful Part.
Αλει μολη, αλει, και γαρ Πιττακος αλει, Πρωτευων,
Μεγαλας Μυτιληνας Βασιλευων.
Grind Mill, grind, for Pittacus unkind,
As we by woful Experience find,
The famous Mytilenians doth Grind.

Virgil told an Egregious Lye,
That Dido did for Æneas dye:
When 'twixt him and the Tyrian Queen,
A Hundred years did Intervene.
Nor did Æneas to Africk come,
But fled an Exile to Latium.
Campana Sacra Sponte Tinnit,
Aliquando Equus Pictus Hinnit,
There must be more than ordinary in it.

Σωη και ψυχη, by Romes Ladies, Omnia Græcè,
To our Dames now French is as easie;
Concumbunt Græcè, if that will please ye.
If not, 'tis a bon Fashion,
To borrow the Pox from every Nation.
No Fashion can be a Load,
The Reins may run, à la Mode.

Within a place call'd Pluto's Cave,
Is bred many an Ignorant Slave;
But there is never a Witch or Knave.
Indians have neither Arts nor Letters,
But they all Reverence their Betters.
In Greece Learning most did spring,
But no true love to Prince nor King:

All Frauds and Lyes, and crafty Feats,
Perjury, and all sorts of Cheats.
The plainest Natures are the best,
There's little Truth in all the rest.

Were I not what I am, I would be Just;
But as I am, be Cruel I must.
Yet I condemn that which I hate,
And praise every True hearted Mate.
Right from Wrong I do distinguish,
But still the Right I do relinquish.
Devils and Witches are both of a condition,
And undergo the same suspicion.

We prompt Mortals to be base,
To bring them to our Cursed case.
To be Companions in Sin and Woe,
Is the best Remedy we know:
Therefore we corrupt High and Low,
Strive to bring all to our Bow.
This is the best course we can take,
For all together to Merry make.

Lanificii Causa fuit Seditio,
Est Principii Petitio.
Lightning, Thunderbolts and Stones,
Consume Marrow, and break Bones.
To abrogate Laws you must not hope,
Till you come to move for't with Neck in Rope.
The Soul of the World, above and beneath,
When was it ever heard so much as to breath?

Odores, they say, are tot, quot Sapores;
But who can Cant all the sorts of Amores.

Go, enquire farther at the Isles of Azores,
Or else to be sure, at Corvos and Flores.
Ανθρωπος εστι Πολιτικον Σωον,
Κακου Κορακος Κακον Ωον.
Did ye never mind how Sol Fumat,
And more often how Luna Despumat.
They're both drunk with Vapors and Fumes,
Cleer the Air with Winds and Perfumes.

Oleo, they say, Mare Turbatur,
Et Oleo Mare Tranquillatur.
A Cobler is a good Translator,
Search in the large Maps of Mercator.
Mariners, Merchants, if you please,
When you go to Sea, carry good store of Ease.
But of late better Medicines swim all in a Lunch,
To lay Storms, Infuse them in a Bowl of Punch.
Is the Sea Common and for all Free,
Or must some be forc'd to lie by the Lee.

Some may better steal an Ox, than others a Lamb,
Come aloft Jackanapes with a Whim Wham.
Hiccius, Doxius, Hocus, Pocus,
John a Styles, or John an Okus.
Some may better steal a Horse, or take a Pledge,
Than others can look over a Hedge;
Set a blunt Razor an Edge.
Down with the Woods on both Cheeks,
Dress fine, and play with us at Barly-Breaks.

Some have the Poor, some Pandora's Box,
Feed poor Slaves with Bits and Knocks.
Split your Ships on Shelves and Rocks,
Frequent the Stews, and get the Pox.

Stellæ pascuntur Humoribus,
Vulgus impletur Rumoribus.
The Beggars stand præ foribus,
Pigme give way, Cede Majoribus.

Succulæ Stellæ, when will they be Wean'd?
When will the Common-Shore be Clean'd?
Moon, Moon, all Hail to Thee,
Tell me who my Husband shall be,
By the Doctrine of Triangles, or Rule of Three?
Tell me, if Mushrooms be Plants?
If Magpies or Partridges feed upon Ants?
There comes a Lion, my Heart pants,
Beware of false Bonds and Counterfeit Grants;
A cheating Scrivener never custom wants.

Venus vix tangit Occupatos,
Carriots are not half so good as Potato's.
Tell me Friar Campanella,
Which is Tramontana Stella?
Tell me, what is Deceptio Visûs,
Or what is Sardonicus Risus?
What Creature's that, that never Pisses,
And what Serpent that never Hisses,
And what Projector always Misses?

There are those that live by Smells,
There are those that believe no Hells.
How do Angels understand one another,
Who did the false Oracles smother?
Ars Longa, Vita Brevis,
Durus Labor, Cura Levis;
A Giant strong, Southampton Bevis.
Stop Rivers, Winds and Tides,
Take Garters and Shoe-strings from the Brides.

Be chaste, as Lucretia, Ladies kind,
A Lustful Tarquin you shall find.
O poor Clients, have a care,
Justice is sold as Publick Ware;
London is a great Fare.
It will Irritare Crabrones,
To discover Nocturnal Religiones;
When the Candles are out, they Bill like Pigeons.

He that carries a Calf, will carry a Bull,
It was the Practise of an old Trull.
Vinum Opinionem parit certum Amorem,
Vinum Cos habet Saporem, Odorem, & Colorem.
Beauty, Wisdom, and Riches to spare,
Make a Composition most Rare,
A Looking-Glass Boys, for Ordure and Lotium,
Ganimede's Tapster at Plato's Symposium.
He'l tell you Tales, that's as Drunk as an Ass,
Therefore, in Vino veritas.

Does the Soul fall in Tropick Cancer,
Or rise in Capricorn? I stay for an Answer.
Describe a Lion by his Claw,
Measure Hercules by his Paw.
What think you of a Tell-tale Daw,
Who can keep the Turk in Aw.
Has the Soul Wings?
Answer me to these Idle Things.

Such Stuff as our Grave Sophies bring,
Burn 'um well, 'till they cry, Save the King.
Old Asiatick Pride,
Was more than all the World beside:
But now this Proverb is denied,
In Europe swells the highest Tide.

And there our Practise lies most,
And there we chiefly rule the Rost;
Thither we flock, 'tis the Richest Coast.

There's a private Hole or Vent,
In the corner of the Firmament;
To keep out Air, tight and snug,
Carefully stopt with a Leaden Plug:
To this blind Cell Jove oft comes groaping,
When weary, leaves the Gods a Tooping,
Having from his Companions stole,
He opes this peeping, listning Hole.

There hearkens t'ev'ry Mortals Voice;
How some condole, and some rejoyce.
The Subject of every Theme,
How they bless, curse, and blaspheme.
One cries for War, another for Peace,
Others for Power, Riches, and Ease:
Every one for what they please,
In Health, Pain, or Disease.

Some for Fair Weather, Some for Foul,
Sometimes Sing, and sometimes Howl.
When he hath tir'd his patient Ears,
With contrary Vows and Fears;
He fairly puts the Plug in's place.
Returns to his Companions apace:
Forgetting all business and care,
Leaves all to Fate's well or ill Fare.

'Tis brave for us, when ev'ry Soul
We have such Freedom to controul:
Never regards the Tears or cries
Of Wretches, tho they Sacrifice.

In vain the Heavens with Groans are rent,
Hecatombs, and Incense spent:
His heart does not the least resent,
At any Offering, Bribe, or Complement.

No Troubles are by him regarded,
Nor any Services rewarded.
Let Mortals shift, every Man,
And take their Fortunes as they can.
Thus he makes it his Recreation,
To let all run at Random in this fashion.
The World's well govern'd, all this while,
The rest o'th' Gods can't choose but smile.

Where there's much Variety
Of Questions, there's told many a Lye;
'Tis best to give 'um the Go by.
Of what Order, if there be any,
Are Questionarii & Curtesani?

Quindecemviri of the Coram.
Augurs as good as e're came before 'um.
Of our Profession, none so good
To tell Stories of Robin Hood.
These are our Collegues and Brothers,
Vestals are our Sisters and Mothers;
We delight in Rogues and Whores above others.

Tell us if Phœnicians were greatest Traders,
Or Goths and Vandals the greatest Invaders?
At Plato his Symposium,
Did the best Sophies come?
Where Hercules Pillars stand?
Remov'd into the American Strand.

Where or how, when or which way,
Supreme Power in the People lay?
How the cunning Tribunes got it;
Or to whom they did allot it?
If the Senate had forgot it,
If the Commons were not besotted?

It put the Emperors out of breath,
To get the Power of Life and Death.
Whither the Roman State were Fools,
To be governed by Edge Tools?
The Greeks and Romans by stealth,
Drove most to a Commonwealth.
May all the Eastern Folk well fare,
For they their Princes love and fear.

Why the Athenian Minerva chose
The Owls, rather than the Tatling Crows?
Because these howling Birds of Night
Conceal Mysteries, play Least in sight:
The other Gossips fly about,
Tell Tales too much among the Rout.
Tongues ne'rely still, never give out,
Till they be cut quite out.

If Camelions live by the Air,
How does it with the Salamander fare?
The Ostridge digests Iron and Stones,
Just as the greedy Dogs do Bones.
Where are the Fragments of the Ark?
Mars met with Venus in the dark.
Find me out Constantine's Donation?
What's the Grand Signior's Occupation?

Shew me the Original of Lex Regia?
And of the Peoples Privilegia?
Who drew the Charter of the People?
Who laid the first Stone of Paul's Steeple?
The Thunder thumping Claps are Ominous,
That Roar in Homer's Τον δ' απομειβομενος.
And the huge Noise breaks all the Glasses,
Of Πολοφλοισβοιο Θαλασσης.
Frighted all the Lads and Lasses,
Sunk all the Galliots and Galliasses.

'Tis a true Rule, pro Quartanâ,
Nunquam pulsatur Campana.
'Tis true, at Plato's Great Year,
All things will be cheap or dear.
If Mules use to bring forth Mules,
'Tis not yet resolv'd in Schools.
Which is best, Salt upon Salt,
(Ask an Ale-Conner) or Malt upon Malt?

Pick up the Sybils Leaves as you go,
Tack them together all in a Row:
Sell them to Augurs at high Rates,
To busie all their Empty Pates,
And teach us to understand the Fates.
Lampon, a famous Priest of Greece,
Used to Swear by the Geese.

Who is the Cato of the Time?
What is Theologick Wine?
Shall he be reck'ned among the Flashes,
That pist upon his Fathers Ashes?
Or she that drove her Coach the rather,
Over the Dead Corps of her Father?

Vespasian, for Piss and Whores,
Exacted Tribute of the Boors:
But what had he in his Head,
That took Taxes from the Dead?
Why not for every Maiden-Head?
A Juicy Virgin among the Senes,
Was a Tenure ad-purgandos Renes.

The Sight of Crœsus Deadly Stroke,
The Organs of his Sons Tongue broke.
Pigeons and Crows are excellent Setters,
When taught to and fro to carry Letters.
In Egypts Continent and Isles,
We found a whole Town of Crocodiles.
Palamede's invented Dice;
So Rich Estates are lost in a Trice:
But pardon 'um, they shall lose 'um no more,
For I see Poverty stand at the Door.

With Numens the World was once well stor'd,
When Thirty thousand were ador'd.
Roman Weddings were sure to hold,
When Man and Wife each other bought and sold.
A Woman with Child desires more Lust;
But Brutes keep their Seasons true and just.
Brutes never yet offer'd at Male Coition,
Nor after Conception, at Repetition:
But Rationals are of another Condition,
And too oft taken upon Suspicion;
Now Lawyers, ye may come with a Prohibition.

Heathens Gods and Goddesses we adore,
That us'd to play Rogue and Whore.
Drunkard, Buffoon, Pimp and Pander,
So our unlucky Wits do wander.

To imitate each Vice-Commander,
Pig and Capon, Goose and Gander.
Parricides, Incests, Rapes,
By their favour make Escapes.

Poets and Mimicks went a Imping,
Jupiter and Mercury go a Pimping,
The rest follow with Vulcan Limping.
We wait with Charms at their Altars,
And at the Gallowses with Haltars.
We dance stark naked at their Meetings,
Bacchus, Venus, Flora's Greetings,
Where we enjoy our Ducks and Sweetings.

'Twas I, that so like a Fool,
Climb'd Apollo's Threefoot-Stool.
And such as I, mad, mad we grew,
Farm'd false Oracles to the Crew.
We had the luck to come off Blew,
For our Responds were never True.
Just like the Augurs Divination,
Speaking like Bagpipes by Inspiration.

Epsam, Dullidge, Tunbridge Waters,
Produce to Ladies, Sons and Daughters;
If not, Lords will shew so much favour,
To make it worth a Womans Labour.
Try Fortunes, you may safer venture thither,
Than to Delphos, or Memphis, or you don't know whither.
Here you advance your Fames,
Better than at the Olympick Games.

Rich Bribes flow to filthy Sots,
The Panders thrive by the Venerean Rots.

The basest Parasites in Scarlet stand,
The Diamonds sparkle from the bloody Hand.
To these Arabia her Odours breaths,
India her Silk and Spice bequeaths.
So the Fool the Wise commands,
And goes away with all the Lands.

How did Phocas, that cruel Beast,
Advance the Papal Interest?
Then began that Fatal Theme,
When he made the Priest Supreme.
Zachary shifted Pepins Throne,
And set Charles Martel in his Room:
Many a Battel for him he fought,
And to Rome great Treasures brought.
Which the Gallick Liberties wrought,
Pragmatick Sanctions come to nought.

There are such cunning Tricks and Juglers,
Such extraordinary Smuglers;
'Twixt Papal and Imperial Sides,
That one by turn each other Rides:
And all our Wits can never find,
From all Points, how they turn and wind.
But still in them we have a Hand,
And over them no small Command.

Who hope up the Great Turk's Design,
To take the Town of Constantine?
And with it famous Greece and Thrace,
To th' European Kings Disgrace.
We bewitcht the rich Whore-sons to part with their Wealth,
Till the Turks got it all by stealth.
From thence the Eastern Eagle fled,
For want of her warm Nest, is dead.

The Western long before was out of Breath,
By Goths and Vandals pin'd to Death.

For we had laid those Rods in Piss,
And in they broke, when we did Hiss.
For Genserick, Attila, Alarick,
And every thing that was Barbarick.
I gave them leave with Sword and Fire,
To over-run the Roman Empire.
I brought Saracens from the Levant,
In Spain and Africa to Rant,
Without the help of John a Gaunt.

There never was a Richer Prey,
In all the vast America.
I farther led them such a Dance,
Over all Germany and France.
'Twas I that gave a large Commission.
To the Spanish Inquisition.
Furthermore, I put a Bar
To that costly Holy War.
I am ready upon all occasions,
To bring in Barbarous Invasions.
And every day I cut out Works,
For my Journey-men, Tartars and Turks.