All the workes of Iohn Taylor the Water-Poet Being Sixty and three in Number. Collected into one Volume by the Author [i.e. John Taylor]: With sundry new Additions, corrected, reuised, and newly Imprinted |
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| THE TRAVELS OF TVVELVE-PENCE. |
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 | All the workes of Iohn Taylor the Water-Poet |  |
66
THE TRAVELS OF TVVELVE-PENCE.
[_]
In this poem footnotes are anchored in the text. Where anchors and footnotes do not correspond, no attempt has been made to match them.
Twelue-pence himselfe declares his wandring story:
Relating how he first was borne and bred,
And how about the world he Trauailed.
If any one (as I dare boldly done)
His Bitth, his breeding, and his Life declare:
Let him appeare, and I dare lay my necke,
He wil be hang'd, or else deserue a checke.
From vast America's rude barbarous bounds,
From rocky barren soyle, and sterill grounds,
Where men did not their Creator know,
And where the Deuil's the God to whom they bow,
There from my Heathen Dam, or mother Earth
With Paines and trauaile, I at first had birth.
A hundred strong men-midwiues, digg'd their way
Into her bowels, to finde where I lay
With Engines, Spades, Crowes, Mattocks, & such matters,
They ripp'd & tore her harmlesse wombe to tatters,
And but they did within the mid-way catch me,
They would haue dig'd to Hell it selfe to fetch me.
At last they found me, mixt with dirt and drosse,
Corruption vnrefin'd, eclipst my Glosse,
And from the Earth I in the fire was tride,
And into Ingots purg'd and purifide.
From Paphlagonia, some my birth doe count,
Neere Sandracugium, a most famous Mount,
And that poore Slaues which were cōdemn'd to die,
Were forc'd to digge for me laboriously,
Whereas the dampish Mines infecting ayre
Kill'd the poore wretches, and so eas'd their care.
Some say that Menes, an Egyptian King,
Me to the shape of Coyne, at first did bring:
But when they saw that people, greedily,
For me did runne into all villany,
The Priests did curse the King, that first inuented
Me, that so many wayes their mindes tormented,
For till they knew me, they affirmed true;
No Enuie, Pride, or Auarice they knew.
Thus with great labour, and the death of men,
I first was borne and afterwards agen
He that to Money did conuert me first,
Was by the Priests and People, bann'd and curst.
With blood and curses I at first began,
And euer since haue beene a curse to man.
Yet for me some excuses may be showne,
The name of Twelue-pence, was as then not knowne,
Diuersity of Coynes o're all the world
Were scatter'd vniuersally, and hurld,
In Courts, in Cities, and in warlike Campes,
E're I was made, they all vs'd other stamps.
There were some Sicles, some Meruiades,
An As, a Drachma, a Sesterties,
Quadrens, Sextanes, Minaes, (it appeares)
Didrachmaes, and Sportulas, and Denieres.
My name at first did from the Romanes come,
(As Cooper saies) they call'd me Solidum,
67
(As 'twere his daily wages) Sollidus,
For though the Times are subiect to mutation,
Yet from Soldafus I haue nomination:
Thus Twelue-pence hath an ancient Warriour bin,
Although men know not when I did begin.
And by experience all the world can tell,
Soldatus doth loue Sollidus so well,
That alwaies euery Souldier is vnwilling,
Long to be kept asunder from a Shilling:
If he doth want me, a moneth, two, or three,
Hee'll grumble, and goe neere to Mutinie.
He hath no mind to draw his Sword and fight,
But (discontented) bids the warres good-night.
When let but Sollidus come to his hand,
Hee'll fight as long as he can goe or stand,
Regarding nor remembring child or wife,
Hee'll hazard and endanger limbe and life.
And thus by way of argument 'tis pend,
A Shilling is a Souldiers loued friend.
A Shilling's much more ancient then a pound,
And in pronouncing giues a better sound:
As for example; which is most mouth-filling
Of fifty pounds, or of a thousand shilling,
A thousand pounds, may make the accent rore,
But twenty thousand shillings soundeth more.
Thus of two sillables I am compacted,
When into one the hounds are all extracted.
The Germane Dollers are my Iuniers farre,
So are the Copesticks of the Brabander.
The Spanish Royall, piece of foure and eight,
On me for my antiquity may waite,
The Floren, Guelder, and French Cardecue
To me are vpstarts, if Records be true,
The Grosh, Potchandle, Stiuer, Doyte, and Sowse,
Compar'd with me, are all scarce worth a Lowse:
Nor can the Atcheson or the Baubee
For my antiquity compare with me.
The halfe Crowne is on horseback mounted hie,
Yet neuer trauail'd halfe so farre as I;
The Scotish Mark's a dang'rous piece of Coyne,
Tis iust a hanging price, if one purloyne,
There is no such hazard in the stealing mee,
I am three halfe pence lower in degree,
And as in pence I for a Iury stand,
I haue eleuen Coynes vnder my command:
And (to grace all the rest) my proper selfe,
Like a Grand Iury-man make vp the Twelfe.
But for men shall not thinke I bragge or prate,
Those whom I doe command 'Ile nominate.
Nine pence (three quarters) with his Harpe befriends me,
And six pence with halfe seruice still attends me,
The foure pence halfe-penny next comes fiddling on,
The Groat my third part doth depend vpon:
The three-pence is a quarter wayter still,
The two-pence is six parts attends my will,
Three-halfe-pence stoops to my commanding sway,
And eight of them at once doth me obey:
The single pence are all my little Cozens,
And doth attend my seruice by the dozens.
Three farthings by sixteens attend in plenty,
And halfe-pence to the summe of foure and twenty,
And last (for Pages) on my State doth waite,
Of dapper farthing tokens forty eight.
But e're I did attaine my shape and forme,
I'abid the brunt of many a furious storme;
For this the world I would haue well to wot,
Mine honour was with paines and danger got.
I past the raging seas and flaming fire:
And gain'd a Face and Crosse for all my hire:
It would almost dissolue a heart of flint,
To be so vs'd as I was in the Mint:
The paines of Purgatory cannot be
But fictions to those things that fell on me.
For what I did endure, had man but felt,
It had (like Kitchinstuffe) haue made him melt.
Then my Tormentors, all at once agrees
From my great heat, to let me coole or freeze,
And dead and cold, me then againe they martyr'd,
Me all in pieces they becut and quartir'd,
Weighing the mangled mammocks, they pronounce
That fiue of me in weight should be an ounce.
Then to the Anuill was I brought in haste,
Whereas with Hammers they did me bumbaste,
And there they neuer left belab'ring mee,
Vntill they brought me to the shape you see.
Thus I mine honour, and my forme did win,
Through many dreadfull dangers I was in.
And though there scarce doth memory remaine,
What I was e're the sixt King Edwards raigne,
Yet long before his time I was in value,
As read in good true written Stories shall you.
My stamp (when Rome did keepe the world in awe)
Was foure swift Steedes that did a Chariot draw,
Which figur'd, that I to and fro should runne
An endlesse Iourney that would ne'r be done.
I am made endlesse, round, which doth portend,
Till the world end, my Iourney ne'r shall end.
And men may plainely in my roundnesse see,
An Emblem of the worlds rotundity.
Round is the Globe, round is the Hemisphere,
Rond runs the Moon and Sun, each month and yeere:
Round ran the Empire from th'Assirian Kings,
Round vnto Persian, Greece, and Rome it flings,
Round to great Britaine, it is come I know,
Whence (hem'd round with the Sea) it cannot goe.
68
Is where'tis guarded by th'Almighties hand.
Round from the North to East, to South and West,
All Arts Laue still runne round, tis manifest.
The Iowes, th'Egyptians, Caldies, Persians,
Deuis'd Arts, and were Astrologians,
And true experience doth approue it thus,
Their knowledge is runne round from them to vs.
The age of man goes round, a child at first,
And like a child returnes vnto his dust.
His body and his limbs, his eyes, his head,
All inround formes are made and fashioned,
The roots, the fruits, the flowers, and the Trees,
All in a round conformity agrees,
Our drinking healths run round, with nimble quicknes,
Vntill at last too many healths brings sickenes:
When store of money to mens hands doe come,
They say they haue receiu'd a good round summe;
And when a man doth take a Knaue vp soundly,
'Tis said, he told him of his faults most roundly.
The Hang-man hangs a Traytor, or a Thiefe,
And is about his businesse round, and briefe.
Round are the dishes where we put our meate,
Our Cups, wherein we drinke, are round compleat:
Round is our Butter, round our Cheeses are,
Roūd are the cloaths which on our backs we weare,
Beasts, fowles and fish, that euery where abound,
Are (for the most part) euery where made round.
Round are all wedding Rings, implying will,
Mens cares runne round, like horses in a mill.
Thus hauing plainely shew'd, why and wherefore
I am made round, now to my taske once more.
About my circle, I a Posie haue,
The Title, God vnto the King first gaue.
The circle that encompasseth my face,
Declares my Soueraignes Title, by Gods grace,
Vpon my other side is, Posvi Devm,
Whereto is added Adivtorem Mevm,
The which last Poesie Annagrammatiz'd,
Wisdome, admit me power, true compriz'd,
Wisdome at first vpon me did bestowe
Such power that for a Shillinh I should goe,
When Wisdome gaue me power, I was then
A seruant, not a Master vnto men.
Now, Power makes me Wisedome force perforce
Improper, like the Cart before the Horse.
For in this Age, so many friends I finde,
My power's before, and Wisedome comes behinde
He that for me and for my kin can rake
Is wise, (although a Coxcombe) for my sake,
He that wants me, shall be esteem'd an Asse,
Although he be as wise as e're man was.
For there's such league one in Triplicity
Sworne firme betwixt the Deuill, the world, and I,
That those who to the one true seruants be,
Are captiue bondslaues vnto all the three.
Great sway vpon the earth to vs is giuen,
Por well we know we ne'r shall come in heau'n,
And all that in vs take delight and mirth,
Their onely heau'n is here vpon the earth.
And couctous they are not, in this case,
Because they couet for no better place;
So much for that: now to my shape againe,
You see my face is beardlesse, smooth and plaine,
Because my Soueraigne was a child 'tis knowne,
When as he did put on the English Crowne.
But had my stamp beene bearded, as with haire,
Long before this it had beene worne out bare;
For why with me the vnthrifts euery day,
With my face downwards do at shoue-boord play ,
That had I had a beard, you may suppose
Th'had worne it off, as they haue done my nose.
Yet doth my bare face sometimes, now and than,
Make a young beardlesse Boy, outface a man,
For any Boy and I, doe both agree,
To outface any man that doth want me
A crosse I beare vpon my other side,
(A glorious figure of true Christian pride)
And with that crosse I any man can crosse,
From wrong to iniury, from harme to losse,
And in me is such working powerfulnesse,
That those that haue me, can both crosse and blesse.
The English and French Armes, the Lyons & flowres,
Shewes France a subiect once to Englands pow'rs,
And when my Master did respire his breath,
His sisters Mary, and Elizabeth
Ordain'd new Twelue-pences with me to ioyne,
But altred not my badge vpon my Coyne,
Except a little, which King Philip did,
Which Queene Elizabeth did soone forbid.
But since the comming of my Soueraigne Iames,
The badge vpon my back more worth proclaimes.
And to mixe state with truth, truth with delight,
Vpon the Armes I carrie, thus I write.
Where the best metals doe grow, the Earth is most barren, which is an Emblem that they that hoord or hide money, are batren of all fruits of goodnesse.
Polidore Virgil. Menes might be first inuentor of Coine in Egypt, yet not of a Twelue pence, but I thinke money was in Cains time, and I am sure that Abraham bought a field for buriall with money.
Polidore Virgil. Menes might be first inuentor of Coine in Egypt, yet not of a Twelue pence, but I thinke money was in Cains time, and I am sure that Abraham bought a field for buriall with money.
In English, I haue put (or placed) God my helper. Ananagram of the Latine Motto of Posui, plac'd into English words, Wisdome admit me Power.
K. Edw. Q. Mary, Q. Elizabeth, and King Iames, all their shillings of equall weight and value, and therefore my twelue-pence hath vpon his backe the Royall Armes here expressed in verse.
Vpon the Kings Armes.
Three
Lyons
Passant (borne by former Kings)
Subdues the Harp , quarters the flowres of France ,
Fourth Lyon Rampant, equall honour brings,
Though hauing power to war, doth peace aduance,
Vnited in great Iames this Royall stile,
King of great Britaine, France, and Irelands Ile.
Subdues the Harp , quarters the flowres of France ,
Fourth Lyon Rampant, equall honour brings,
Though hauing power to war, doth peace aduance,
69
King of great Britaine, France, and Irelands Ile.
Thus Readers, hauing printed for your reading,
My birth, my rising, my estate, and breeding:
My Badge, my face, my Crosse, my Annagram,
How mighty in my great command I am,
Now will I tell some trauels I haue had,
Some (as I remember) I'le recite,
Should I name all, 'twere almost infinite.
My birth, my rising, my estate, and breeding:
My Badge, my face, my Crosse, my Annagram,
How mighty in my great command I am,
Now will I tell some trauels I haue had,
Some (as I remember) I'le recite,
Should I name all, 'twere almost infinite.
The cause why siluer look'd so pale and wan?
He, in reply was quicke, and answer'd straite,
Because so many for it lay in waite.
And did men thinke in what diuersity
Of fashions men for me in waite doe lye,
They would agree together in a tale,
That I had reason to looke wan and pale.
I haue of Treason, bin made Instrument
To betray Kingdomes, and to circumuent,
To vndermine, and to subuert the states
Of Empires, and of mighty Potentates.
I haue caus'd murther, cruell Homicide,
Foule Fratricide, vnnaturall Paricide.
For which a curse doth vnto me remaine,
A Runuagate, and a Vagabond like Caine.
And though that God in thundring Maiestie
Forbad man to haue any Gods but he,
Yet many thousands that command, forget,
Not minding God, their minds on me they set .
To purchase me, men haue forsworne and sworne,
And from the Booke of life their names haue torne.
For me the Sabbath is prophan'd with workes
Of Christians labours, worse then Iewes or Turkes.
For me those Parents that haue nurst and bred
Their children, by them are dishonoured,
For to haue me (to endlesse ioy or woe)
Some children care not where their Fathers goe.
I with the deu'ls sole helpe (my sole partaker)
Haue bin an vniuersall Cuckold-maker:
For where nor wit, or beauty could come in,
In any shape I could admittance win.
I make the Husband sometimes keepe the dore,
The whil'st (for me) his wife doth play the whore.
And many times (to moue all hell to laughter)
I made a Mother Bawde vnto her Daughter.
I'forc'd a Virgin cast off continence
And Chastity, and put on Impudence.
I made a reuerend Iudge to take a Bribe,
I made a Scribe a forged Name subscribe,
I caus'd a Miser sell his soule to hell,
Because I here on Earth with him should dwell.
And eighteene yeeres he kept me day and night
Lock'd in a Chest, not seeing any light.
And though my lot was thus a Slaue to be,
Yet was he a farre worser Slaue to me;
For he had vow'd himselfe to death to pine,
Rather then spend one penny pot of wine,
Although he late had swallow'd downe his throat,
Stinking fresh Herrings threescore for a Groat.
And he did bide this slauish misery,
On purpose to debarre my liberty.
At last this poore, base penurious Knaue,
Was borne (the way of all flesh) to his Graue:
And his braue heire vpon his backe had got
A mourning merry sute, long look'd I wot,
He the next day let flie the ill got treasure,
And I began to see some worldly pleasure;
From my old Masters Chest I was assum'd
To my young Masters pockets, sweet perfum'd,
'T a bawdy house, of the last new translation
He bare me with him, for his recreation,
There for a maydenhead he plaid a game,
Where eightscore more before had done the same:
There did my Master Knaue discharge the score,
And went, and left me with my mistris Whore.
I stai'd not in her seruice long, for shee
Was not two dayes before she set me free,
For hauing got a Frenchified heat,
She was prescrib'd a Dyet and a sweat,
She gaue me to the Surgeon, for some Lotion,
For Unguents, and a gentle working Potion,
For Plaisters, and for oyntments in a Box,
And so I left my Mistris, with a Pox.
The Surgeon me to the Physician sent,
From him I to th'Apothecary went,
But there I thought that Hell I had beene in,
And all the Fiends had in his Boxes bin.
For it appear'd to me that all his drugs
Had got the names of the infernall Bugs:
Zarzaparilla, Colloquintida,
Auxungia Porci, Cassia Fistula,
Egiptiacum, Album Camphiratum,
Blacke Oxicrotium, and white Sublimatum.
But soone my Master freed me from my feare,
He to the Tauerne went and left me there.
And whilst I in the Vintners house remain'd,
Some knowledge of my Masters state I gain'd.
Let no man say that drunke, my selfe I showe,
For what I speake, I vnderstand and know.
I'le shew some discommodities that waite
(For the most part) on euery Vintners state.
First, if a rowe of houses stands together,
All of one bignesse form'd, no oddes in either,
If one of them be to a Vintner let,
Amongst the rest at double rent 'tis set.
70
But a poore penny in a quart is wonne:
Besides, he sometimes in the Caske doth finde,
Of Lees sixe Gallons, for a Lagge behinde.
And more, when in the Celler it is laid,
The Carmen, and Wine-Porters must be paid.
And by misfortune if the Caske be weake,
Three or foure Gallons in the ground may leake,
Or taking vent, it may grow dead and flat,
And then the Vintner little gets by that.
And if he be a fellow of free heart,
He now and then must giue a pint or quart.
His Candles (night and day) are burning still
Within his Seller, lest his Wines should spill:
And if two Kennell-rakers chance to come,
To come i'th euening, they must haue a roome,
And ouer one bare pint will sit and prate,
And burne a Candle out (perhaps) thereat,
Whilst all the Drawers must stay vp and waite
Vpon these fellowes, be it ne'r so late:
The whilst a Candle in the Kitchin wastes,
Another to his end ith'Seller hastes,
One with the Guests, another at the Barre,
Thus for one pint, foure Candles burning are.
By day-light, this I haue seene some to doe,
Call for a pipe, a pint, and Candle to,
By that time he hath done, 'tis quickly counted,
To what large summe the Vintners gaines amoūted.
Besides all this, his charge is euer great,
For seruants wages, cloathes, and fire, and meat,
For linnen, washing, Trenchers, losse of Plate,
For Glasses broken (by the course of Fate)
Besides, he hath some scores, which if you looke,
They make his posts look white, & black his book:
And if a debter seu'n long yeeres doe stay,
But six pence for a quart of wine hee'll pay,
When if a Merchant doe a Vintner trust
For his forbearance deare he answer must.
And when some Guests haue liquor in their braines,
How they will swagger in their roaring straines,
Out goe their swords, and by the eares they fall,
And now and then one's nail'd vnto the wall.
The man and's wife abus'd, his seruants beaten,
No moneyes pay'd for what is drunke or eaten,
His house in question brought, a man is kill'd,
His and his wiues heart both with sorrow fill'd,
And whereas other Trades their labours end
At night, till midnight He doth still attend,
At euery Groomes command officiously
He waits, and takes hard words most courteously.
He that amongst these harmes can purchase profit,
Much good may't doe him, he is worthy of it.
My Masters Vintner Trade, I thought to touch,
Because I cannot thinke his gaines is much,
I loue them all, my lines here manifests,
And so God send them honest sober guests.
From thence vnto the Wine-Marchant I went,
He presently me to the market sent:
For Butter, and for Egges I was exchang'd,
And to the Country with my Dame I rang'd.
Her Husband gaue me to a lab'ring Ditcher,
He to the Ale-house went, and bang'd the Pitcher.
To stay long there, I was exceeding loth,
They vs'd so much deceit with nick and froth.
My Master Host, vnto the Brewer gaue me,
The Malt-man came on Munday, & would haue me,
He to the Alehouse brought me backe in haste,
From thence I quickly to the Baker past,
My seruice there was very short and briefe,
He plac'd me with a Miller and a Thiefe,
That was a merry Master for the nonce,
He got his liuing cogging with two stones;
I next dwelt with a Butcher, that had tricks
To liue and thriue by Mutton and by pricks.
Thus haue I oft beene tossed to and fro,
From bad to worse, from misery to woe,
From miserable Slaues, to Prodigals,
To arrant Thieues, and to good Hospitals,
To good and bad, to true men and to Taylers,
To Fiddlers, Pipers, Fishmongers, and Saylers,
To Mercers, Grocers, Drapers, Tinkers, Peddlers,
To Fruiterers, for Pipins, Plumbs, and Medlers,
To Silk-men, Sadlers, Turners, Tylers, Glasiers,
To Tripewiues, Mealmē, Gardners, Grasiers, Brasiers,
To Plummers, Bricklay'rs, Smithes, and Carpenters,
To Dyers, Goldsmiths, and to Playsterers,
To Noble-men, to Water-mea, and to Ioyners,
To honest men, to Knaues, to clipping Coyners,
To Knights, to Beggers, Scriu'ners, Colliers, Lawiers,
To Stationers, to Printers, Silk-men Sawyers,
To Fooles, to Wise-men, Dunces, and to Doctors,
To Harlots, Varlots, Serieants, Bayliffes, Proctors,
To Papists, Protestants, and Puritans,
To Traytors, Subiects, Matchiuillians,
To Catchpoles, Beadles, Iaylors, Ironmongers,
To Cooks (whose labours do asswage mēs hungers)
To Cuckolds, Bawdes, to greasie Pimps & Panders,
To Cowards, valiant men and stout Commanders,
To Fishers, Fowlers, Shepheards, Queristers,
To Feather-makers, Girdlers, Barristers,
To Players, Bearewards, Fencers, to goodfellowes,
To those that make no breath, yet cā make bellows,
To Pewt'rers, Shoomakers, and Buttonmakers,
To Marshals men, and dirty kenell-rakers.
71
To Iuglers, Iesters, Masons, Barbers, Spurriers,
To Woodmongers, to Tapsters, and to Salters,
To Ropemakers, for Cables, Ropes, and Halters,
To Painters, Pointers, Hackney-men, and Skinners,
To Hearb-wiues, Fish-wiues, & such scolding sinners
To Cutlers, Parrators, to Posts, to Iudges,
To Druggists, Felmongers, and to toyling Drudges,
To Hatters, Powlterers, Coniurers, and Farmees,
To Priests, Clerks, Sextanes, Sorcerers, & Charmers,
To Bowyers, Chandlers, and Astronomers,
To Gulls, to Gallants, and Embroyderers,
To Basket-makers, Milke-maydes, Iewellers,
To Comfit-makers, and Soliciters,
To Yeomen, Hostlers, and to Vnder-Shrieues,
To Millainers, to Chamberlaines, and Thieues,
To Cappers, Faulkners, Plow-men, Haberdashers,
To Coopers, Weauers, Scullions, Coblers, Trashers,
To Hunts-men, Gunners, Grauers, Rhethoricians,
To Coachmen, Tuckers, Potters, and Musicians,
To Reapers, Spinners, Caruers, and Suruayors,
To Orators, to Carriers, and Puruayors,
To Clothiers, to Logicians, Mowers, Sheermen,
To Clockemakers, Collectors, Miners, Carmen,
Tobacco-sellers, Netmakers, Men, Boyes,
To Sharkes, Stales, Nims, Lifts, Foysts, Cheats, Stands, Decoyes
T'a Cut-purse, and a Pocket picking Hound,
To as mad Rogues as euer trod on ground.
To married men, to Batchelers, to Lads,
To sober fellowes, and to drunken Swads,
To Maydes, to Wiues, to Widdowes, & Whores,
To liberall mindes, and hungry hide-bound Boores,
To Midwiues, Chimney-sweepers, Beadles, Nurses,
To Seampsters, Laundresses, and Gossips purses,
To Drummers, Draimen, Pyrates, Drawers, Glouers,
To Trumpets, Whitsters, Ratcatchers, and Drouers,
To Hang-men, Side-men, to Churchwardens, Cryers,
To Fluits, Horse-coursers, Sellers, and to Buyers,
To Prisoners, to Night-farmers, & to Broome-men,
To all estates of forraigners, and Freemen:
I could name more, if so my Muse did please,
Of Mowse Traps, and tormentors to kill Fleas:
For Ballads, Table-bookes, and Conny-skins,
For ends of Gold and Siluer, Poynts and Pins:
For Knights, and Madames made of Ginger-bread,
And many a stale and musty maydenhead.
These Masters haue I seru'd, and thousands more
Of all degrees and Trades, on seas and shore.
And amongst all the places that I had,
Whereas I found one good, I got ten bad;
If I did serue a poore man but one day,
I fiue yeere (for it) with the rich would stay.
I haue bin Twelue-pence seuenty od long yeere,
And to the world I'le make it plaine appeare,
That where I had one Master lou'd the poore,
I had ten Drunkards, that did loue a Whore,
For each houres seruice good men had of mee,
To my great griefe I seru'd bad people three.
I weare the Kings badge, yet flie from the King,
And to a Misers Chest I profit bring.
The words I haue are Latine, which implies,
That I should waite vpon the learn'd and wise,
But for one Scholler, that can vnderstand,
I haue seru'd twenty Artlesse fooles command.
My seruice to the Poets hath bin euill,
I ranne more swift from them, then from the Deuill,
I know not well the cause, but they and I
Together long could ne'r keepe company.
I haue a true excuse that will defend me,
They loue me not, which makes e'm quickly spend me.
But there's no great loue lost 'twixt them and mee,
We keepe asunder, and so best agree.
They that doe loue me best, beyond Sea dwell,
For there I am like to a soule in hell,
From whence there's no returning, and so I
In the Low Countries or in Germanie,
If they doe get me once vpon their shore,
'Tis ten to one I ne'r see England more.
I haue seru'd Cut-purses, and high-way Fellowes,
And haue brought ten thousand to the Gallowes,
Were he the arrantst Thiefe that euer 'twang'd,
For my loue he would venture to be hang'd.
Some Scriueners, & some Post Knights (it appeares)
Fo louing me too much, haue lost their eares,
There's many a reuerend Bawde rode in a Cart,
For bearing vnto me a louing heart,
There's many a swee-fac'd Punk hath bin perplext,
Whip'd, & behind her back, much grieu'd & vext,
Some of my Masters, would take paines to haue me,
And like to Barbers, wash, clip, poll, and shaue me,
In this I onely differ from a Whore,
We both haue wicked followers great store:
The whore they may kisse, clip and coll, and strip,
Me they may safely kisse, but neuer clip.
And now and then, like imitating Apes,
With Brasse, Tin, Iron, they counterfeit my shapes.
They lou'd me more then honesty requires,
But commonly the Hangmin payes their hires.
Thus though I be but of a small account,
I haue had power to make my Master mount,
And some againe (by their owne bad endeuour)
I haue had power to sinke them downe for euer.
To some I am (in comming) slowe as Lead,
But quicke as Quicke-siluer, againe soone fled.
Suppose that any mischiefe that could be,
Had lately bin by th'onely meanes of me,
As casting good men into great distresse,
T'vndoe the Widdow and the Fatherlesse,
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Or hang'd a guiltlesse man, that did no wrong:
Corrupted a chaste Mayd, intic'd a Wife
To folly, and to loath her Husbands life:
If I had bin the meanes to worke all this,
Or ten times more such actions of amisse,
Yet doe I looke as white as Innocence,
And neuer blush, at the most vile offence.
Nay more, there's none will (for my faults refraine me,)
But euery one will straitway entertaine me.
If treason (through my meanes) bee thought or wrought,
I neuer am vnto my triall brought:
For I haue had the triall touch before,
And am so knowne, I shall be tride no more.
For though I be in ill, chiefe formost Actor,
No man suspects me for a malefactor,
And if there be one man that will reueale me,
There are at least ten thousand will conceale me.
Indeed I was a Pagan borne at first,
And since in Christendome I haue beene nurst,
So they might haue me to encrease their pelfe,
Many are turn'd worse Pagans then my selfe.
For I no God or deity did know,
To whom I should my loue and seruice show:
But they forsake their God, whom they know well,
And make a God of me, an Infidell.
So, though I be but of a Heathen state,
I am no base Apostate, Reprobate.
Look on the hearbs, the flowr's, the fruits, the trees,
Fowles of the ayre, the painefull lab'ring Bees,
And aske their Owners why they breed and spring,
His answere is, they must him money bring.
Note but the toyling Plow-man, he is sowing,
He's hedging, ditching, taking, reaping, mowing,
Goes to bed late, and rises before day,
And all to haue my company, hee'll say.
For me with dagled Gownes, and dirty ham'd
The Hall at Westminster, ith' Terme is cram'd,
Such writing, running, sweating, interceding,
Remouing Causes, Pleading, Counterpleading,
Aske the cause why, the answer true will be,
Their wrangling and their strife is all for me.
Looke in the Towne, how folkes throng to & fro,
So thicke, one cannot for another goe,
And how the Shops with Wares are furnish'd out:
How euery one stares, pryes, and gapes about.
Demaund the reason, all will answer make,
They watch, & waite, cause they would money take.
I know, not why my reputation's such,
But still my credit hath beene wondrous much,
I am more willing taken, now and then
Then a seal'd Bond of any Aldermen,
For by long proofe, the Prouerbe true doth say,
That ready money euer will away.
I am no worse then I haue beene of old,
When thrice my worth, for me was bought & sold,
For I could once haue paid a quarters rent
For a small Garden, and a Tenement,
And that (for me) of Barly, Wheat or Rye,
Three times as much as now a man might buy:
The cause why now I not so much attaine,
Is (that I am not lighter halfe a graine)
But that through greedinesse, and hatefull pride,
I still am ill imployde, and worse applide:
For though the world be in a tott'ring state,
Yet am I constant alwayes at one rate,
Let house, land, cloathes, food, high or lower rise,
I am in value, alwayes at one sise,
Raise the price vp, or let it fall downe lowe,
A shilling is but Twelue pence, all men know,
I am the same I was, 'tis onely men
Haue lost the consciences they harbour'd then.
I might (as they might vse me) be a blessing,
And they make me the cause of their transgressing,
Some to obtaine me into mischiefe runne,
And some to spend me haue destruction wonne:
There's many a Master, where I vs'd to dwell,
That tooke delight (with me) to purchase hell.
And all the vicious wayes they ranne a side,
They made the Deuill and me, their onely guide:
(Perhaps) their Fathers went to hell to haue me,
And their mad heires, run the same way to leaue me,
The whilst a haire-brain'd needy crue beset me,
And gallop to the Deu'll amaine, to get me.
Thus vilely, how to get, and keepe, and spend me,
Three quarters of the world doe still attend me.
I haue made Mariages in many a place.
Where hath bin neither beauty, wit, or grace,
All's one for that, I am of that high price,
I can make vice seeme vertue, vertue vice.
I am of that great power, and high command,
In ioyning house to house, and land to land:
That where one hath a dwelling to abide.
One hundred knows not where their heads to hide:
And as one may three hundred Tenants haue,
Fiue hundred know not where to haue a graue.
Far though from Earth man hath originall,
And to the Earth, from whence he came doth fall,
Though he be Earth, & can claime nought but earth,
(As the fraile portion due vnto his birth)
Yet many thousands that the earth doth breed,
Haue no place (certaine) where to lodge or feed:
In which respect mens pleasures are behinde
The Birds, and Beasts for they contentment finde
With the prouision dame Nature giues,
Free (wiout money) euery Creature liues,
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They haue and hold, as their owne interests.
And man, that hath a reasonable soule,
Whose reason countermands each beast and fowle,
Within whose face, a Maiestie is seated,
Beyond all Creatures that were e're created;
Yet let him but want money, and 'tis plaine,
He's th'onely briefe and abstract of disdaine,
Despised, scorn'd, deiected, and contemn'd,
And round about with miseries behem'd.
Search all the worlds Records from age, to age,
And view Times variable Pilgrimage:
Note that though Fortune (in her tott'ring guise)
Hath play'd at Foot-ball with great Monarchies,
Yet shall you finde how euer States haue varied,
How-euer things were carried or miscarried,
That money still bare the commanding sway,
To whom both right and wrong, and all obey.
Should all the Witches in the whole world sit
In Counsell, and imploy their damned wit,
And haue the aydes of all the fiends of hell,
With many mumbling Necromantick spell,
And all this toyle and paines of their should be,
To bring Pecunia into infamy,
To cast my Lady Argent in disgrace,
And make some other thing supply her place:
The fruits of all their labours they should finde,
Would be like throwing feathers 'gainst the winde:
For in mans heart 'tis rooted with such loue,
That nothing else but Death can it remoue.
And many humane reasons doe approue it,
That aboue all things earthly he should loue it,
Do'st thou want honour, money straite will buy it.
Although ten thousand needy Slaues enuie it.
Would'st thou an office thy estate to reare,
Money will helpe thee to't man, neuer feare:
Do'st want wit how to guide and gouerne it?
If thou hast money thou canst want no wit.
Art thou a damned Matchiuillian,
Thy money makes thee held an honest man.
Hast thou a scuruy face, take this of me,
If thou hast money, 'tis not seene in thee.
Would'st haue a Whore, a coach, smoke, drinke, or dice?
Money will bring thee all at any price.
Woul'dst haue all pleasures in variety,
Money will thy insatiate wants supply:
Then seeing money can doe what it will,
Haue not men reason to regard it still?
Some things there are that money cannot win,
But they are things men take small pleasure in;
As Heau'n, and a good Conscience, Vertue, Grace,
He that loues Money, cannot these imbrace.
For he whose heart to Money, is inclin'd,
Of things Cœlestiall hath but little minde.
If Money were a woman, I doe see,
Her case most pittie pittifull would bee,
Because I thinke she would no louers haue,
Except a Gowty miserable Knaue:
One that all night would by her lye and Grone,
Grip'd with the Collicke, or tormenting Stone,
With stinking coughing, grūting, spitting, spauling,
And nothing but Contagious Catterwalling.
Besides hee'd be so Iealous day and night,
He would not suffer her goe out of sight:
That sure I thinke her Case farre worse would be,
Then is the Turkish Galley slauery.
For none but such as those whome Age hath got ,
Are in the Loue of Money extreme hot.
And when as Hearing, Sent, and Taste, and sight,
Are gone, yet Feeling Money's their delight.
The whilest a Young-man, full of strength and pride,
Would make her goe by water, Run and Ride,
Force in all things to supply his neede,
For Recreation, or to Cloath and Feede,
Compell her to maintaine him fine and braue.
And in a word make her his Drudge or Slaue,
And all his Loue to her would be so so,
For hee'd but kisse her, and so let her goe.
Thus if It were a Woman as I say,
Her Case were lamentable euery way:
For Old men within Doores would euer worr'y her,
And youngmen round about the world would hurry her.
That were she matchd with either yong or old,
Her miseries would still be manifold.
But this Commanding bright Imperious Dame,
Vsde well or ill, Shee's euermore the same:
Locke her, or Let her loose, she cares not which,
She still hath power the whole world to bewitch.
I call to minde, I heard my Twelue-pence say,
That he hath oft at Christmas beene at play:
At Court, at th'Innes of Court, and euery where
Throughout the Kingdome, being farre and neere.
At Passage, and at Mumchance , at In and in,
Where Swearing hath bin counted for no Sinne,
Where Fullam high and Low-men bore great sway,
With the quicke helpe of a Bard Cater Trey.
My shilling said such swaggering there would be quoth he
Among the wrangling Knaues for me
Such shouing, sholdring, thrusting, thronging, setting,
Such striuing, crowding, iustling, and such betting,
Such storming, fretting, fuming, chafing, sweating,
Refuse, renounce me, damne me, swearing, cheating,
So many heauy curses, plagues and poxes,
Where all are losers, but the Butlers boxes:
That sure in hell the Deuils are in feare,
To curse and to blaspheme as they doe there.
Whilst without touch of conscience, or of sence,
They abuse th'Almighties great Omnipotence,
And this wicked stirre that they doe make,
Is me from one another how to rake.
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They make themselues much worse to pocket me.
These Gamesters make this time a time of mirth,
In memory of their blest Sauiours birth.
Whose deare remembrance, they doe annually
Obserue with extreme odious gluttony,
With gurmandizing beastly belly filling,
With swinish drinking, and with drunken swilling,
With ribald Songs, Iigges, Tales, & gawdy cloathes,
With bitter cursings, and most fearefull oathes,
That svre my shilling saith, the Heathen will
Not entertaine the Deuill halfe so ill;
But worship Satan in more kinde behauiour,
Then some professed Christians doe their Sauiour.
In Saturnes raigne when money was vnfound,
Then was that age with peace and plenty crown'd,
Then mine was thine, Thine mine, and all our liues,
All things in common were, except our wiues.
But now the case is altred (as they say)
Quite topsie-turuy the contrary way:
For now mens wealth is priuatly kept close,
The whilst their wiues are commonly let loose.
For he whom loue of money doth besot,
For's owne soule, or's wiues body, much cares not.
It bewitch'd Achan at the siege of Ai,
For which the Israelites did lose the day:
It made Gehezi false in his affaires,
And gain'd the Leprosie for him, and's heires,
It with th'Apostle Iudas bore such sway,
That it made him the Lord of life betray;
And Ananias and his wretched wife,
By suddaine death it made them lose their life;
And Diuine stories, and prophane, recite
Examples of such matters infinite,
'Tis said in Salomons Dominions,
That Siluer was as plenty as the Stones:
But sure the sinne of Couetise was not
Amongst them either borne, or scarce begot.
For all that Siluer, and a great deale more,
Rak'd and Rip'd from the Europian shore,
From Asia, and Sun-parched Africa,
And from the wombe of vast America,
From which last place the Potent King of Spaine,
Eleuen millions in one yeere did gaine,
And from Pottozzy Mines he daily had
Three hundred thirty thousand Ryals made.
To speake what mighty summes King Dauid won,
And left them vnto Salomon his Son,
Of Gold one hundred thousand Talents fine,
Siluer one Thousand thousand, from the Mine,
Besides from Ophír he had at the least,
Three thousand Golden talents of the best.
Iosephus doth of Dauids Tombe thus write,
How th'hidden Treasure there was infinite,
The Basons, Candlesticks, and Censors all,
Lampes, Organs, Instruments most musicall,
Ports, Altar, Tables, Hindges the Gates to hold,
They were all made of pure Refined Gold.
Besides six hundred Shields and Targets more,
The King causd all with Gold be plated o're.
Besides the Richnes of his Royall Throne,
The like whereof elsewhere was neuer none.
When the Great Macedonian did subdue
Darius, and his haples Persian Crue,
'Tis said his Treasure did so much abound,
Twenty nine thousand Talents there was found.
And more he saith (if we may credit this)
How that in Susa and Persepolis,
They found, of Siluer to encrease their store
One hundred seuenty thousand Talents more
When Cyrus Conquer'd Crœsus Crœsus lost
Three hundred millions of good Gold almost,
'Tis writ that Midas Treasure so amounted
Innumerable, not be Accounted.
Sardanapalus an Assyrian King,
Neere eight score millions to the fire did bring.
Where fifteene daies did burne his house, & pelfe,
His whores, & ('mongst the rest) his wretched selfe.
And Plutarch saith, Marke Anthony spent cleare
Of Gold, full sixe score millions in one yeere.
What should I speake of Cleopatraes Treasures,
Or wealth, or Triumphs of the Roman Cæsars?
Or what they were whose riches haue bin such?
Or who they are that now possesse too much?
But here's the question, seeing times of old
Did yeeld such store of siluer and of gold,
And seeing daily more and more is found,
Digg'd in aboundance from the solid ground,
I muse which way the Deuill all is gone,
That I, and thousand thousands can haue none.
I know my selfe as able to abuse it,
As any man that knowes well how to vse it,
But sure I neuer should my Master make it,
But as my seruant take it, and forsake it.
I haue described in particular
What Twelue-pence is, how it hath trauell'd far:
How to all ages, Sexes, Trades and Arts,
It comes and goes, it tarries and departs:
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In pressing men to serue by sea or land,
How Bakers thirteene penny loaues doe giue
All for a shilling, and thriue well and liue,
How it a pottle of good Clarret buyes,
How 'tis a quart of rich Canaries prise,
How for a thousand things 'tis daily ranging,
And is so round a summe, it needs no changing,
How vp and downe the world he still doth firrit,
And takes no more rest then an ayery spirit.
Then at the last my Muse to minde doth call,
The mighty power of money in generall,
And how all ages still haue had good store,
Musing the cause my selfe can haue no more.
And Money hauing writ all this for thee,
Shew not thy selfe ingratefull vnto me:
But as I know thou canst, so preethee grant
That when I want, thou wilt supply my want,
Reward thy Poet, that doth set thee forth,
I'le loue thee still, according to thy worth.
I haue set downe all these Masters of Twelue pence, not in order as they are in degree, but as hee trauailed from man to man, good and bad, poore and rich, without any order.
Heere are a strange gallymawfrey of Twelue-pences Masters, honest men & Knaues like hearbs & weeds in a Hotchpotch.
I speake not against honest mirth, friendly Gaming, nor good cheere, but against the vnlawfull vse of these Recreations, and abuse of God.
And more the Captaines 5000. Talents, and 10000 pieces of Gold, and 10000. Talents of Siluer, besides Brasse and Iron.
FINIS.
| All the workes of Iohn Taylor the Water-Poet | |