University of Virginia Library

Anti-February

Thus far today, we've seen fit to do away
with Vice President Agnew and fraternity
hazing practices. So, to continue our miasmic
vein, and to come up with something of broad
appeal to the silent majority types in our
readership, we propose doing away with
February. We're damn sick and tired of
February.

January, while definitely not our favorite
month, at least has some character. You can
count on snow and freezing temperatures in
January and you can bear them because there
has to be some winter sometime and January
stolidly and predictably provides it. March, on
the other hand, is delightful. Temperatures are
moderate, kite-flying breezes blow, and the
end of the month generally delivers on its
promise of Spring.

February has no such virtues to recommend
it. It will occasionally tease you with
sunny skies, only to follow them with sleet
that afternoon. Instead of January's blanket
of snow, February delivers a quagmire or a
sheet of ice; skies are always grey with no
prospect of getting better. In fact, more
people commit suicide in February than in
any other month.

So why not move Valentine's Day,
Lincoln's birthday and Washington's birthday
to some other part of the calendar and just do
away with February entirely? January would
be much better if it were followed by March,
a month which would be enhanced by its
proximity to winter. February has no use at
all and ought to be abolished.