The Ingoldsby Lyrics | ||
OCCASIONAL PIECES.
Ode.
In the autumn of 1824, Captain Medwin having hinted that certain beautiful lines on the burial of Sir John Moore might have been the production of Lord Byron's Muse, Mr. Sydney Taylor, somewhat indignantly claimed them for their rightful owner, the late Rev. Charles Wolfe. During the controversy a third claimant started up in the person of a soi-disant “Dr. Marshall,” who turned out to be a Durham blacksmith, and his pretensions a hoax. It was then that a certain “Dr. Peppercorn” put forth his pretensions to what he averred was the only “true and original” version, viz. :—
And he look'd confoundedly flurried,
As he bolted away without paying his shot,
And the landlady after him hurried.
When home from the club returning;
We twigg'd the Doctor beneath the light
Of the gas-lamps, brilliantly burning.
Reclined in the gutter we found him;
And he look'd like a gentleman taking a snooze,
With his Marshall cloak around him.
And we managed a shutter to borrow;
We rais'd him, and sigh'd at the thought that his head
Would consumedly ache on the morrow.
And we told his wife and his daughter
To give him next morning a couple of red-
Herrings with soda water.
And his Lady began to upbraid him;
But little he reck'd, so they let him snore on,
'Neath the counterpane just as we laid him.
When beneath the window calling,
We heard the rough voice of a son of a gun
Of a watchman “one o'clock” bawling.
From his room in the uppermost story;
A rushlight we placed on the cold hearth-stone,
And we left him alone in his glory.
Hos ego versiculos feci, tulit alter honores.—Virgil. I wrote the lines, Smith owned them—he told stories. Thomas Ingoldsby.
The House that Jack Built.
A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE.
As performed with great applause at Westminster Hall, on two successive days, viz., May 16th and 17th, 1826.
that was short all the while,
and wouldn't go deeper
under the sleeper,
that propped up the House that Jack built.
appointed to see to,
the driving the pile
that was short all the while,
and wouldn't go deeper
under the sleeper,
that propped up the House that Jack built.
that were filled up with rubbish instead of brick,
by Mr. Peto
appointed to see to,
the driving the pile
that was short all the while,
and wouldn't go deeper
under the sleeper,
that propped up the House that Jack built.
who took such care,
to order the spandrels stout and thick,
to be filled up with rubbish instead of brick,
by Mr. Peto
appointed to see to,
the driving the pile
that was short all the while,
and wouldn't go deeper
under the sleeper,
that propped up the House that Jack built.
who went there ev'ry morning and back again,
to Laing the survey'r,
who took such care,
to order the spandrels stout and thick,
to be filled up with rubbish instead of brick,
by Mr. Peto,
appointed to see to,
the driving the pile
that was short all the while,
and wouldn't go deeper
under the sleeper,
that propped up the House that Jack built.
and wondered the house should have lasted so long,
as he told James Day from Drury Lane,
who went there every morning and back again,
to Laing the survey'r,
who took such care,
to order the spandrels stout and thick,
to be filled up with rubbish instead of brick,
by Mr. Peto,
appointed to see to,
the driving the pile
that was short all the while,
and would not go deeper
under the sleeper,
that propped up the House that Jack built.
who “just gave a look,”
and agreed with the foreman steady and strong,
who saw that matters were all going wrong,
and wondered the house should have lasted so long,
as he told James Day from Drury Lane,
who went there every morning and back again,
to Laing the survey'r,
who took such care,
to order the spandrels stout and thick,
to be filled up with rubbish instead of brick,
by Mr. Peto,
appointed to see to,
the driving the pile
that was short all the while,
and would not go deeper
under the sleeper,
that propped up the House that Jack built.
who found fault with the work,
at which John Cook
had just taken a look,
and agreed with the foreman steady and strong,
who saw that matters were all going wrong,
and wondered the house should have lasted so long,
as he told James Day from Drury Lane
who went there every morning and back again,
who took such care,
to order the spandrels stout and thick
to be filled with rubbish instead of brick,
by Mr. Peto
appointed to see to,
the driving the pile
which was short all the while,
and wouldn't go deeper
under the sleeper,
that propped up the House that Jack built.
who wouldn't give a penny,
for all the work
found fault with by Smirke,
at which John Cook
had just given a look,
and agreed with the foreman steady and strong,
who saw that matters were all going wrong,
and wondered the house should have lasted so long,
as he told James Day from Drury Lane,
who went there every morning and back again,
to Laing the survey'r,
who took such care,
to order the spandrels stout and thick
to be filled with rubbish instead of brick,
by Mr. Peto
appointed to see to,
the driving the pile
that was short all the while,
and wouldn't go deeper
under the sleeper,
that propped up the House that Jack built.
every one in a three-tailed wig,
who examined George Rennie
that wouldn't give a penny,
for all the work
found fault with by Smirke,
at which John Cook
had just taken a look,
and agreed with the foreman steady and strong,
who saw that matters were all going wrong,
and wondered the house should have lasted so long,
who went there every morning and back again,
to Laing the survey'r,
who took such care,
to order the spandrels stout and thick,
to be filled with rubbish instead of brick,
by Mr. Peto
appointed to see to,
the driving the pile
that was short all the while,
and wouldn't go deeper under the sleeper,
that propped up the House that Jack built.
with his pockets so full,
who “forked out” three hundred thousand pound
for a tumble-down house that fell to the ground,
and paid all the fees,
with a great deal of ease,
to all the grave counsellors bouncing and big,
every one in a three-tailed wig,
who examined George Rennie
that wouldn't give a penny,
for all the work
found fault with by Smirke,
at which John Cook
had just given a look,
and agreed with the foreman steady and strong,
who saw that matters were all going wrong,
and wondered the house should have lasted so long,
as he told James Day from Drury Lane,
who went there every morning and back again,
to Laing the survey'r,
who took so much care,
to order the spandrels stout and thick
to be filled with rubbish instead of brick,
by Mr. Peto
appointed to see to,
the driving the pile
that was short all the while,
and wouldn't go deeper
under the sleeper,
that propped up the House that Jack built.
sing huzza for John Bull
with his pockets so full,
who forked out three hundred thousand pound
for a tumble-down house that fell to the ground,
and paid all the fees,
with a great deal of ease,
to all the grave counsellors bouncing and big,
every one in a three-tailed wig,
who examined George Rennie,
that wouldn't give a penny,
for all the work
found fault with by Smirke,
at which John Cook
had just given a look,
and agreed with the foreman steady and strong,
who saw that matters were all going wrong,
and wondered the house should have lasted so long,
as he told James Day from Drury Lane,
who went there every morning and back again,
to Laing the survey'r,
who took such care,
to order the spandrels stout and thick,
to be filled up with rubbish instead of brick,
by Mr. Peto
appointed to see to,
the driving the pile,
that was short all the while,
and wouldn't go deeper
nor prop up the sleeper,
that let fall the House that Jack built.
Neither the Board of Commissioners, the superintendents, or the operatives are here intended. Sleeper is a technical term, implying a particular piece of timber used in the foundations of buildings.
The Dark-looking Man.
The man's dark-looking, him with caution see to!
At the “Somerset,” close by St. Mary-le-Strand,
When 'tis painful to think what a discord began
'Twixt a Merchant so brave and a Dark-looking Man.
Oh! nobody mentions, and nobody knows;
But the waiters were scared, and away they all ran,
And “Bring pistols for two!” cried the Dark-looking Man.
Every hair of his wig stood on end on his head;
John, William, the Barmaid, Jane, Susan, and Nan,
All fled from the wrath of the Dark-looking Man.
And in came the beadle, the watch, and patrol;
While Morris and Blackman cried, “Seize him who can!
In the King's name, lay hands on that Dark-looking Man!”
Must yield (as the bard sings too truly) to odds;
Alas! 'tis in vain to contend with a clan,
So they bore off to Bow Street that Dark-looking Man.
The Justice exclaimed, as he eyed them afar;
But the Merchant declared he knew nought of the plan,
“I am quite in the dark,” cried that Dark-looking Man.
As the Magistrate turned to that Merchant so brave:
“I care not,” quoth he, “how this quarrel began,
But I beg you'll shake hands with that Dark-looking Man.
Had I let you alone, think what might have occurred;
While Jack Ketch had finish'd that Dark-looking Man.”
O'er his camlet-cloak collar, adorn'd with gilt chain,
“Shake hands with a stranger? 'Tis never my plan.”
“I'll be hang'd if I do!” said that Dark-looking Man.
Lock them up till they find satisfactory bail.”
Thus ended the feud with a flash in the pan
Of that Merchant so brave and that Dark-looking Man.
MORAL.
Attend to the moral I draw from my lay:
Shun strife, nor let port e'er your senses trepan,
Above all, don't fall out with a Dark-looking Man.
Mother Goose's Tale;
OR, NURSERY RHYMES FOR CHRISTMAS, 1828.
My “friend and benefactor” a piping of his eye!
When his mouth was opened the clerk began to sing,
“Is not this a pretty dish? suppose we both take wing!
Five bankers in the parlour are looking rather funny!”
The clerk then in the carpet-bag was packing up his clothes,
“Send out and call a ‘Jarvey,’ ere somebody ‘turn nose!’
“Not a single sixpence!” (aside) “three bags full!”
Then I must wander
Up stairs, down stairs,
To my lady's chamber!
For cash was the cry, and his purse was bare.
Where he had been sitting so sly;
He had put in his thumb for a slice of the ‘plum,’
And now come to wish them ‘Good-bye.’
Adown Charing Cross,
In a dark green chariot and a grey horse!
To open the gate, a mile out of town;
Where we were going to she did not ask it—
Into her hand I slipp'd a half-crown;
“Old woman, old woman, hip,” said I,
“Can't you contrive a small bit of a lie,
To tell them we're off to the Isle of Sky?
For they'll be after us by and by.”
And he was wondrous wise,
And he went with us in the chaise,
And kept out both his eyes;
And when he saw that all was safe,
With all his might and main,
He got into another chaise,
And so went back again.
There is a little place call'd Pill, and there I bid it come.
They lay in bed till the clock struck ten.
Up jumps Rowland, and looks at the boat,
“Come, brother Jemmy, 'tis time we're afloat!”
“You go before with the bottle and bag,
And I'll come after, and carry the ‘swag!’”
We fill'd it with nothing but victuals and drink:
When we'd victuals and drink, we set off with our diet,
Lest the silly old landlady should not keep quiet.
It's very wrong
Exchequer Bills to borrow;
If we can catch the little dog,
He shall be whipt to-morrow.
And Rowland loved good brandy,
And Rowland loved a pretty girl
As sweet as sugar-candy.
And heigh, my Bishop so leary!
Ellis, and Ruthven, and Cope,
They hunt for them far and neary!
Now they go round, round, round,
Now they go backwards and forwards,
And now they go down, down, down.
Thus began his prayers,
“Take him by his right leg,
Take him by his left leg,
Take him by his right leg,
D---me, take him by his ears!”
Sir George and his fiddle,
They watch'd at his door till noon:
Cunning Tom laugh'd to see them all wrong,
And voted Sir Richard a ‘spoon.’
Is gone on the deep,
And they can't tell where to find him;
Let him alone,
For he'll never come home,
Nor leave any cash behind him.
GRAND CHORUS OF MARINERS.
See saw, saw the waves,Saw the waves asunder;
A great knave a-top of the deck,
And a little knave under.
Childe Nugent.
A Fragment.
With a picke axe and a spade,
For he longs to view a patriot true,
And to find out of what he is made.
He hath roam'd farre and wide—
He hath traversed the lande of fayre Englande,
And Portingale eke besyde.
A patriot for to fynde,
Bote never yet mote Childe Nugent get
A patriot to hys mynde.
With hys spade and hys picke axe;
Was never a resurrection man
Dyd give more lustie thwacks.
And dygg'd with might and maine;
Was never a Byschope and never a Burke
Colde sooner a styffe one gayne.
He hath dygg'd both northe and southe,
And he cometh at last to the dead man's skull,
With hys thigh bones cross'd in hys mouthe!
In a voice both loud and dread;
I wis a tale of Portingale,
That well mote awaken the dead.
Awake and arise, I praye!
Though I stand here a living man,
And thou art a lump of clay.
How I may a patriot be;
For never I ween was a patriot seen,
An' thou, John, wer't not he!”
And groan'd three eldritch groans,
As from out of hys mouthe, to the northe and the southe,
He spat out hys own thigh bones.
Ne wonder that he dydde;
For never, I ween, did mortal eyne,
Spie such an unearthly quidde!
And he laughed loud laughters three;
“Now lithe and listen, thou venturesome wight,
That wouldest a patriot be.”
Virgo Infelix.
Pulchra puella;
Voluit esse melior
Cum fuit wella.
Infelix virgo?
Aqua fortis
Urens a tergo!
Nescio sanè;
Attamen vixero
Si non any.
Sanctus Johannes.
Quibus recommendatus?
Pluribus Zanies.
Johannes præfatus?
O'Driscoll Billy
Olim nuncupatus.
Sed pictor signorum,
In Tipperariâ,
Inops bonorum.
Sedet sublimis
In curru, celebratus
Prosâ atque rhymis
Fuit origo?
Sanatio mira
Marchionis de Sligo.
Dementiæ vestræ?
Imo sane fuit
Dominus Ingestriæ.
Tui quam miseresco,
Sine sheetis blanketsve
Dormientis al fresco!
Hic intus jace,
In Longum a Longo
Requiescas in pace!
Encomium Longanum.
Physicians who cured all incurable ailings,
But ne'er yet was doctor applauded in song
Like that erudite phœnix, the great Doctor Long.
Some think him a god—all a Lusus Naturæ,
The whole animal system, no matter how wrong,
Is set right in a moment by great Doctor Long.
Through the torrid, the frigid, and temperate zone;
The wretch, just expiring, springs healthy and strong
From his bed at one touch of the great Doctor Long.
The Pope, the Grand Llama, the King of Japan!
The Great Chinese autocrat, mighty Fon Whong,
Was cured of the ‘doldrums’ by fam'd Doctor Long!
Doctor Horace, “Naturam cum furcâ expellas,”
“Dame Nature” (i.e.) “you must poke with a prong,”
Pretty poking she gets from the great Doctor Long.
The Greeks all pronounce him θειοτατον τι.
Dutch and Germans adore him—the Irish among,
“To be sure he's the dandy!” Go bragh, Doctor Long!
There's small harm in quaffing pure hydrocyanic;
But he never found out it was good for the throng,
When scrubb'd on their stomachs by great Doctor Long.
To sweep one's inside as you'd sweep out a flue;
No climbing-boy, urged by the sound of the thong,
Can brush out your vitals like great Doctor Long.
After breaking poor Jeffries' the box-keeper's pate;
A bumper of Nantz, in a cup of souchong,
Was prescribed as a tonic by great Doctor Long.
A duck for a crest, with the motto, “Quack, quack;”
To the proud name of St. John (it should be St. Johng,
Which would rhyme with the surname of great Doctor Long).
Thou Raffaelle of physic, thou pride of our age!
Alas! when thou diest, and the bell goes ding-dong,
Sure Hygeia herself will expire with her Long.
“Long life long await this long-headed physician,
Long, long may Fame sound with her trumpet and gong
Through each nation the name of the great Doctor Long!”
Sir George Nayler, Knt., Garter King-at-Arms, etc., a signal example of the fallacious foundation of the proverb, which saith, “Grocers do not like plums.” We counted yesterday, on his armorial majesty's carriage and harness, eight-and-twenty coronets, two-and-twenty garters, and eighteen crests, besides full coats of arms, mantles, etc., as the story-book says, “all very grand.”
Relics of Antient Poetry.
No. I.
[When goode Kynge Wyllyam ruled this lande]
The following curious old ballad is said to have been lately discovered by that erudite antiquary, Mr. John Britton, who assigns it to the twelfth century. As it is not to be found in the collections of either Percy, Ellis, or Ritson, we willingly give it a place:—
And was a worthie Kynge;
The Queene he one daye dyd commande
To attende a fayre Christ'nynge.
And make a mightie dinne;
Then who so ready as Lorde Holdernesse,
To let Kynge Wyllyam inne.
With Lordes and Ladyes tenne;
The Byschoppe is there with hys great bygge wygge,
The Clerke he sayeth Amenne.
And she spake on bended knee;
“Now Largesse! Largesse! our gracyous Queene,
I pray thy Majestie!”
And they kneelid on the grounde;
“Grammercy!” quoth our gracyous Queene,
“For thy mede here is Fiftie Pounde!”
And she laughed loud laughters three;
“Now God prosper longge our Noble Kynge,
And eke his gaye Ladye!”
The Mither, I trow, was shee!
“Now naye, now naye, thou olde fatte Nurse,
In sooth thys may not be.
And Susanne and Pollie, all fowr,
Servynge women of lowe degree,
Doe wayt within mye bower.
Be welle and trewly payde;
To Susanne tenne, and to Pollie but fyve,
For she is the Kytchen Mayde.
May well thy guerdon bee.”
“Now naye, now naye!” quoth that olde fatte Nurse,
“In sooth that may not bee!
I begged on my bended knee;
I wyll have alle—our gracyous Queene
Dyd frankly give it me!”
In fayth it shall notte be donne;
Our Lady forefend thou shouldest have alle,
And mye other fowr Maydens nonne!”
And a wrathful man was hee;
“Thys olde fatte Nurse is a Female Dogge,
And here she no more may be!”
And smakid her soundlie and welle;
One smacke on her cheeke, one smacke on her eare
And one smacke where I maye not telle.
“That ever I was borne!
The Devyll flie awaye with Lord Holdernesse,
And poke hym with his horne!
Who colde smyte mee on the hyppe,
And colde smacke the cheeke of a ladye,
When he mote have kissed her lyppe!
And all faytours fals and mene,
Who wolde take fyftie pounde from a pore a pore old Nurse,
And leave her bote fyfteene!”
From my researches in a scarce tract, entitled Hume's History of England, I conclude the monarch here alluded to is the celebrated William of Normandy, sometimes called William the Conqueror, who came over in the famous Spanish Armada, and killed Queen Elizabeth at the battle of Agincourt. His uncle, William the Second, who succeeded him, and was surnamed Roofus, from the beautiful ceiling he put up in Westminster Hall (see the Ramsbottom papers in the possession of Theodore, King of Corsica), was never married. William the Conqueror married the daughter of Caleb Baldwin, Earl of Flanders, the “gracyous Queene” here alluded to. J. B.
Mr. Harris Nicolas, in his‘Synopsis of the Peerage,’ assigns 1621 as the date of the first creation of this title. It became extinct in the person of Humphry Clinker, 15th Lord, killed by the savages in the island of Owhyhee, A.D. 1540. J.B.
Probably Thomas A'Becket, or Cardinal Wolsey, who both flourished in this King's reign; the former was afterwards Archbishop of York, and suffered death for stealing the crown out of the Record Office in the Tower of London. J.B.
The “Mither,” here mentioned, was, in all probability, the celebrated Anne Boleyn, wife of John Wilkes, fourth Earl of Holdernesse. The fate of this beautiful but unfortunate woman, who was hanged at Tyburn, in 1745, by order of the inhuman Jeffries, for aiding in the escape of King Charles the First after the Battle of Blenheim, is matter of history. For a minute account of her execution, see Augustine ‘De Civitate Dei,’ and the ‘New Bath Guide.’ J.B.
I can find no account of these “fowr maydens” in all my friend Mr. Cawthorne's most valuable circulating library. It is, however, not unlikely that the “Pollie” last mentioned was the daughter of Mr. Peachum, some time keeper of his Majesty's gaol of Newgate, and afterwards the wife of Macbeth, the notorious highwayman who robbed and murdered Banquo, Member for Corfe Castle, in the fourteenth century. There is, however, a trifling difficulty as regards dates. For her history, see Gray's tragedy of ‘The Beggar's Opera.’ J. B.
A truly Royal present, amounting to about three hundred and seventeen pounds, four shillings, and threepence halfpenny of our present money.
By the laws of chivalry, as contained in the Napoleon Code, it was a heavy offence for a knight to strike a female, and was usually punished, especially during the period of the crusade, by setting the criminal in the pillory. Sir Philip Sydney narrowly escaped this degradation at the siege of Acre. J.B.
An awful imprecation, not unsuited to the complexion and creed of the dark ages, which preceded the invention of gas-lights, when infernal agency was believed in by every one; the story of the devil's flying away with Doctor Foster is familiar to most, though there is some reason to doubt its authenticity. Romulus, king of Greece, and Matthew Hopkins, Archbishop of Paris, were said to have been similarly disposed of; also a tailor (name unknown), as is recorded in the old ballad of Chevy Chase:—
“And the devil flew away with the little tailor,And the broad cloth under his arm.” J.B.
Part II.
[It was a Butchere wyth hys traye]
Another of those interesting remains of which we have already given a specimen, was read at the last meeting of the Antiquarian Society. The MS. in which it and about fifty more are contained is an illuminated one, but imperfect, wanting both title-page and colophon. It is said to have been discovered at Bristol, in the bookstall of Peter Hyson, Esq., A.S.S., who, through the kind intervention of our antiquarian friend, has furnished us with an illustrated copy.
Walked forth to buy hys meete,
And he mette wyth a queere lookynge calfe
Hangynge uppe by hys feete.
I praye thee telle to mee,
If ever in alle Ledenhalle
Thou fayrer veale dydst see?”
If thys be never a one?”
“Poh! never heede hys ears and tayle,
Bote take hym for a crowne!”—
hee is too farre gone;
Vy, blesse your eyes,
Hee aynt noe syze;
Hee vont cutte uppe tenne stone!”
Thyne haggling is in vayne—
For soche a bargayne, atte fyve bobbe,
Thou ne'er mayst see agayne!
Before thou leav'st mye stalle,
For Spryngge is comme, and veale doth ryse,
Whyle other meetes do falle!”
O tempte me notte, I praye;
Here bee fowr hogge, and ane tyzzie downe!”—
“Welle, poppe hym inne thye traye!”
Of the period when calves were first introduced into this country we have no certain account. It must, however, have been previous to the age of Elizabeth, inasmuch as we find England in that reign already celebrated for its beef, then commonly partaken of at breakfast, its introduction to the dinner-table being the innovation of a later age. That eminent naturalist, Mr. P. Hyson, has proved to demonstration that veal must have been antecedent to beef, as the maturity of the one is necessarily preceded by the precocity of the other; indeed, veal may be defined as beef in an incipient state. According to an antient distich preserved by that erudite antiquary, Mr. Puffman, [Hofman] of Bishopsgate Street Within,
Came over to England all in one year.”
If there be any truth in this tradition, the era must be that of King John, who was formally excommunicated by Pope Leo the Tenth (Ganganelli) for granting Catholic Emancipation, and refusing to kiss his toe. The dissolution of the monastic orders followed, and the Reformation was soon after brought about, principally through the preaching of the celebrated Martin Bree. This supposition is further countenanced by a passage in the old play of King John, by Barber Beaumont and Fletcher, in which the Lord Falconbridge, addressing the Archbishop of Austria, is made to say “And hang a calve's skin on those recreant limbs,” a recommendation which would seem to intimate that calve-skins were rare at that period, and worn only as an article of dress, on state occasions, by the principal nobility.
Leden, or as it is now spelt, Leadenhall, was formerly a Dominican Convent for monks of the Order of St. Francis. It occupied the site on which the market now stands, having Gracious (now Grace-church) street to the west, and to the east a magnificent pile of building belonging to the Honourable East India Company, against whom these ambitious ecclesiastics maintained a long litigation in the Court of Chancery on the subject of tythes.
Jackasses are supposed to be indigenous in this country; it is at least certain that they were common in the time of Richard the Conqueror, and the breed has by no means degenerated. From the peculiar sagacity of this “fine animal,” its name is held in great veneration in the City of London, as the symbol of “absolute wisdom,” and has not only been frequently conferred as a title of honour upon aldermen, but has even been supposed to lend a lustre to the name of the chief magistrate himself. Mr. Kempe, in his valuable History of the New Post Office, mentions a rare print, representing a Lord Mayor in his robes of office with an ass's head on. It were superfluous to speak farther of the ass, in its emblematic capacity, before a society which has so deservedly affixed A.S.S. as a proud distinction to the names of its members. As an article of food, the flesh of the ass is now little in request, except at corporation dinners and other civic entertainments, and occasionally, in the form of sausages, in the more thickly inhabited parts of the metropolis.
From this term of address it would seem that the salesman, or master butcher, here alluded to, was a person of distinction, or a member of a body corporate. Ealdermann, or Eorlderman, was a title of honour amongst the ancient Scandinavians or Scavengers, and is still used by their descendants, the Low Dutch, as the appropriate designation of an elderly lady. It was the custom formerly, for Eorldermen to ride upon white horses (see Tillotson and Jeffrey Monmouth passim). Their persons were held to be inviolable, and the form of an imprecation is still extant, made use of towards an offender who had inflicted an injury on one of their body— “Zoundes, Sir! you've cutte offe the Eorldermanne's thumbe!”
This title must not be confounded with the modern “Alderman,” an office of great dignity and importance, usually filled by persons of respectability.
Bobbe, an antient coin, equal in value to one shilling of our money. It was styled a Bobbe, from Robert Bruce, last Sovereign Prince of South Wales, who was slain in battle by Edward the Third, and whose effigy and legend it bore. One of these scarce coins is now in my possession, the head much defaced, and the inscription altogether obliterated.
A curious illustration of the state of the gastronomic thermometer in days of yore. Its fluctuations seem to have been nearly the same in all ages. My learned friend, Mr. Michael Scaley, whose experience in these matters is too well-known to need farther comment, affirms, that, “Weal is allays dearest a'ter Chrissmus.”
The Boar, or “Hogge,” was the well-known cognisance of the House of Lancaster, and usually stamped on the coins of all the Princes of that dynasty. When William the Third, surnamed the Crook-back Tyrant, from causing Perkin Warbeck to be smothered in the Tower, fell at Bosworth Field, Joseph de Lancaster, the sole survivor of the family, fled to America, where it is believed he still resides, exercising, in imitation of another great living potentate, the humble occupation of a schoolmaster. Mr. Heseltine's assertion, that he became a bricklayer in St. Giles's parish (vide ‘Last of the Plantagenets’), and built a stack of chimneys at Eastwell Park, for the Earl of Winchelsea, is a pleasing fiction, but utterly at variance with facts as developed by the severity of historical research. The precise value of the Hogge I have no means of ascertaining. The Tyzzie is the same as the Tizzy, i. e., sixpence, and was current during the “wars of the Roses,” so called from a noble but turbulent family, which recently became extinct in the person of the late George Rose, Esq., M.P., for the borough of Christ Church, Hants.
Correspondence.
[A quarrel between two gallant captains, originating in a charge of evading the subscription due to the Junior United Service Club, and terminating, after a long correspondence, in an appeal to Sir Richard Birnie at Bow Street, gave rise to the following pleasantry, which appeared July, 1830.]
No. 1.
Captain Hogshead's best compliments—begs Captain SquirtWill just drop him a line, and be pleased to insert,
At what hour to-morrow or next day 'twill suit him,
To let his young friend, Captain Pills, come and shoot him?
No. 2. REPLY.
Captain Squirt, Captain Hogshead's kind note has read o'er;He doesn't think proper to say any more.
No. 3.
Sir,—Your note's such a queer one, I really don't knowIf you mean to encounter my friend Pills or no,
No. 4.
If I don't hear by ten, I conclude it ‘No Go.’No. 5.
Sir,—Captain Mouth has just brought me your verbal despatch,I shall tell Captain Pills you won't come to the scratch,
Although in the dark you've been joining to flout him,
And all sorts of tarry-diddles telling about him.
No. 6.
Sir,—It having been settled this day in committee,That your friend, Captain Pills, has behav'd himself pretty;
Captain Squirt now no longer to shoot him refuses,
Wherever he likes and whenever he chooses.
No. 7.
Sir,—I beg leave to put what I told you in writing,I must say I think it's all nonsense this fighting;
Suppose they shake hands—think no longer of slaughter,
But finish—I'll join—with hot brandy and water!
No. 8.
Sir,—Either beg pardon at once for your malice,Or—zounds! sir—come over and fight me at Calais!
No. 9.
Sir,—My friend Captain Squirt, who's as bold as a lion,Says as how he conceives Captain Pills is a ‘shy un.’
A voyage in a steam-boat he don't choose to hazard,
He has waited three days for a slap at his mazzard;
So his character now he will hinge upon that,
He will fight in England, and d—n me that's flat!
No. 10.
Sir,—You know we agreed when you gave me a call,That France was the best place for powder and ball,
And if you've chang'd your mind—why, I hav'n't—that's all.
No. 11.
Sir,—You know you told lies, and said everything bad,And you ought to be 'sham'd of yourself—so you had!
And won't let me fight, why my courage you doubt,
Come over, I tell you, or soon you'll have got
What you won't like at all-but I shan't tell you what.
No. 12. Calais.
Sir,—I meant to have lick'd you, and bought a new whip,But the beak bound me over; I've giv'n 'em the slip,
And here I'm now staying your carcase to drub,
If you don't come, by Jove, I shall write to the club.
No. 13.
Sir,—It's devilish provoking your keeping one so,Captain Squirt should have come and been shot long ago;
I beg we no longer attendance may dance,
It's deuced expensive this stopping in France.
No. 14.
Sir,—Captain Squirt I can never adviseTo fight anywhere else but at Battersea Rise;
To take any more notice of any ‘sich’ man,
Who would not fight
When he very well might,
But for full thirteen days kept clean out of sight.
If you write any more I shall very much thank
You to pay the post, or to put it in a frank.
No. 15.
Sir,—As to writing, 'tis grown such a bore,That I don't mean to trouble you never no more;
But since Captain Pills is my crony, I feel
That to call him “a man” is not very genteel.
No. 16.
Sir,—I don't mean to quarrel, indeed never do,But I hope I'm at least as genteel, sir, as you.
No. 17.
Dear Squirt,—As to Pills, whom I know well enough,I thought his palaver in Down Street all stuff,
But what 'twas about it is so long ago
I've forgot, but I think 'bout his brother poor Joe;
No. 18.
I don't recollect, I can't tell, I don't know.No. 19. DECLARATION.
We think and agreeThat far better 'twould be
For the parties to stand on the beach near the sea.
Brave Pills close to Calais, Bold Squirt down at Dover,
With the Channel between 'em, then let 'em shoot over.
So witness our hands, and our seals, well and truly;
S. H.—R. H. M.—London.—10th day of July.
A Strand Eclogue.
Scene—An upstairs room in Somerset House. The Antiquarian Society assembied in full fig. At the upper end of a long table a President's chair vacant, in front of which Mr. Martin, the Librarian, is occupied in placing a large cocked hat on a velvet cushion. The clock striketh eight—a short pause, which is at length broken by sundry fidgettings, hemm-ings, and other signs of impatience. Mr. Amyott, the Treasurer, riseth, and preludizeth.(Treas.)
The clock has struck; 'tis waxing late!
See, full three minutes after eight!
I move then, since my Lord's not here,
That Mister Gurney take the chair!
(Cries of “Hear! hear!” “Chair!” “Mr. Gurney in the Chair,” etc. Hudson Gurney, Esq. ascendeth the vacant Throne, sitteth down, getteth up again, bloweth his nose, tum loquitur.)
(Pres.)
Now, Gentlemen, since time is precious,
While they get ready, to refresh us,
The tea, the buttered toast, and muffin,
With other requisites for stuffing,
That cheer our hearts, and fill our bellies,
Let us to business!—Mr. Ellis!
(The Junior Secretary riseth, bland, and rubicund, taketh out his spectacles, wipeth carefully, and placeth them on their proper supporter, cleareth his throat, boweth to the Chair, and proceedeth.)
Sir—Gentlemen—ere we proceed
Farther; permit me now to read
My worthy colleague's minutes, treating
Of what was said and done last meeting!
(Mr. Senior Secretary Carlile handeth the minute book across, the Junior Sec. receiveth it with a gracious smile, openeth it, and readeth.)
(Jun. Sec.)
Presented—first, a Bow and Arrow,
Supposed the same with which the Sparrow
Cock Robin's bosom did transfix;
(See Mother Goose, vol. I, page 6).
Discovered underneath a hay-rick
In Herefordshire—by Dr. Meyrick, (Hear! hear!)
Much like another in the dwelling
Of Dr. Meyrick's son, Llewellyn.
Read—The accompanying essay,
Some forty folios as I guess, a
Brief statement, luminous, and clear,
Of how 'twas found, and when, and where,
With arguments of greatest nicety,
In favour of its authenticity.
(Mr. Caley riseth and walketh up and down, with his hands behind his back, to keep himself awake. Mr. Hallam offereth him snuff, which he declineth, and reseateth himself. The Junior Sec. goeth on.)
Read—by the Secretary (me, Sir,)
A paper touching Julius Cæsar,
Tracing his progress all through Cantium
To London, then called Trinovantium,
Proving the Tower he founded in 't
Was not that building near the Mint,
Stained so by foul and midnight slaughter,
But one on t'other side the water,
Converted now, its source forgot,
T' a Manufactory of Shot. (Mr. Caley falleth asleep.)
Presented—by the Junior Sec.,
(Myself again) a Royal wreck,
An antique Thimble, that, with which,
In seventeen hundred forty-six,
Flora Macdonald drove her stitches,
While mending Prince Charles Edward's breeches,
When, from Culloden forc'd to fly,
He tore them in the Isle of Sky.
(A portly Member, at the lower end of the table, riseth abruptly.)
(Memb.)
The Young Pretender wore a kilt,
He had no breeches.—
Hang that Gwilt—
(aloud and smiling)
Sir, pardon me, my paper shows
That Prince Charles Edward wore the Trews
Even before he passed the border,
And tore the seat—
(Mr. J. B. Nicholls)
Chair!
(Sir Ev. Home)
Order! Order!
(Jun. Sec.)
Sir—really—may I never stir,
If I—
(Mr. Crofton Croker)
I rise to order, Sir,
The learned Secretary knows
All precedent against him goes,
He can't forget when Mr. Caley
(Perhaps for him a thought too gaily,)
Expended much deep erudition
Upon a certain “deposition”
Of witnesses i' the fifteenth century,
Touching how Queen Anne Boleyn went awry,
The reading, in that very case, he
Opposed, himself, from delicacy.
(Jun. Sec.)
Sir, I assure you, not one particle—
Pres.
Proceed, Sir, to the following article.
We'll not discuss that matter now!
To your decision, Sir, I bow—
These interruptions— (Mr. Caley snoreth.)
—Mr. Brayley,
Pray give a jog to Mr. Caley.
Mr. B— shaketh the Keeper of the Augmentation Office by the shoulder; Mr. Crofton Croker singeth the end of a pen in the candle, and applieth it to his nose at the same time. Mr. Caley sneezeth, and openeth his eyes.)
(Jun. Sec.)
Elected—on certificate written
By our prime Counsellor, John Britton,
John Day, Esquire, of Great St. Mary
Axe, a most learned Antiquary,
Whose well-known name requires no gilder,
Foreman to Mister Rennie, Builder,
And sole constructor of the palings
I' the Park, with sundry other railings
In Essex, Sussex, and in Kent,
And of a foot-bridge 'cross the Brent!
—That's all, Sir, and, the minutes ended,
A name, which has been now suspended
The usual time, for ballot calls;
Produce the—
(Sen. Sec.)
Here's the box and balls!
“Charles Hyson, Bookseller and 'Squire,
Of High Street, Bristol, Somersetshire,”
His Testimonials signed and written
By our prime Counsellor, John Britton.
(The ballot box is passed round by Mr. Martin. Mr. Crofton Croker waggishly secreteth seventeen black balls, and depositeth them slily within the cavity. The box is handed up to the President, who stretcheth forth his right hand towards the cocked hat, while he openeth the drawer with his left. A start—President withdraweth his right hand as if it had touched a red-hot poker; great consternation in his countenance on viewing sable intermixture in drawer. Much temporary confusion in the assembly. On counting balls the “joke” is discovered; President gravely rebuketh ill-timed pleasantry on the part of Member unknown—box passed round again; Candidate declared unanimously elected on A.S.S.—C. Hyson. Esq., led to the table by J. Britton, Fsq. [proposer and seconder]—President riseth, putteth on cocked hat, hind side before.)
(Pres.)
Sir, We, the President and Fellows
Of this most grave Society, jealous
Of our own fame and reputation,
Have made due search and inquiration
Into your merits, and discerning
Your genius, deep research, and learning,
Finding you qualified, no less
Than we, to be A double S,
We do admit you 'mongst our fellows,
(That fire's out, Martin, fetch the bellows),
An ornament, and Shining Light.
(The newly-elected Fellow puffeth his cheeks as about to return thanks, but words are wanting; Mr. Martin puffeth the fire; Mr. Fohn Britton puffeth himself and friend, as follows:—)
(Mr. J. Britton)
I rise, Sir, as I always do,
Not that I've much to say that's new,
But were I not my powers to try,
You'd wonder what was come to I;
Besides, I've got a thing to show,
An article of great virtu,
A piece of antique crockery ware,
Dug up not far from Brunswick Square,
The fragment of an earthen pot,
With a handle—whether it had not
Another once, is all a guess,
The letters S P, or P S,
Are plain, which stand for Publius Spurius,
Or Spurius Publius—
(Mr. Hoffman)
—Dear! how curious!
Permit me, sir, to feel the handle—
Pray, Mr. Caley, snuff the candle!
(Mr. Crofton Croker)
Allow me, sir (what precious muffs!)
You know friend Caley never snuffs.
(Mr. Britton proceedeth)
Now, sir, before my speech I close
I've one more member to propose.
The Gentleman I'm going to mention,
Is famous for a grand Invention;
Revival, I should rather say,
The greatest far of this our day,
Which some may think a mere absurdity,
Or rank among the hearty purdity.
You've heard of Nimrod, Prince of Greece,
The same that stole the Golden Fleece,
And founded, after many a year,
The Melton hunt in Leicestershire?
A “mighty Hunter” he, you know,
God knows how many years ago;
Though his receipt has long been lacking,
'Tis known he used most famous Blacking,
Which became lost unto the trade
Somewhere about the third Crusade,
I needn't say no more, 'tis plain
You all anticipate me, and
When I name Warren of the Strand,
I cannot entertain a doubt
You'll hail him with a general shout;
So move, as now my speech I've ended,
That he “as usual, be suspended.”
(Hear, hear!” “Bravo!” etc., from the Brittonites; “No! No!” “Stuff!” “Puff!” and other expletives from the refractory. The President, with his cocked-hat en echelon, at length announceth that Robert Warren, Esq., is elected Fellow by acclamation.)
(Mr. J. Britton)
Now our Society may boast—
(Sir Ev. Home)
Pooh! Gammon! here's the tea and toast!
The tray is brought in—a simultaneous rush at the muffins—Mr. Martin is scalded by a cup of coffee upset on his inexpressibles, and, in the confusion, our Reporter quitteth the room.
Qu. Artes perditæ? This distinguished Antiquary's orthography, like Lord Duberly's, “is a little loose.”
Garris v. Kemble.
A true and particular report of the case, Harris v. Kemble, as not heard in the House of Lords, September 5, 1831.
With his fine head of hair,
While the Chancellor's look was so glum,
That on t'other side Plunket
Appeared much to funk it,
And Lyndhurst kept biting his thumb.
His brief who had read hard,
Began to address these great men;
While behind, Mr. Pepys,
Sat drawing little ships
On the back of his brief with his pen.
Came up in a hurry,
In bag-wigs, knee-breeches, and swords,
As two gentlemen more
Set open a door,
And let in three queer-looking lords.
In his tabard of state,
To the Chancellor then made a bow;
In a kind of a growl, he
Says, “Here's my Lord Cowley,
Who is come here to promise and vow!”
Says, “My lord, pray sit down,
You're quite welcome—I never dissemble.”
So Lord C., after that,
Puts on his cocked hat,
And goes and sits down near Miss Kemble.
In the lobby without,
As if twenty or more were a-talking;
And in came a summons,
“A message from the Commons!”
Says the Chancellor, “Pray let 'em walk in.”
With a score more who toil
In committee, to wait longer scorning,
Came and said, “We agree
Mrs. Turton to free
From her husband. We wish you good morning.”
“It's high time to go home;
Sir Edward, pray stop your red rag!”
Then Counsellor Pepys
Never opened his lips,
But popped his brief into his bag.
Gave a wink with his eye,
And shut up his brief without sorrow,
Saying, “Earned with much ease,
This morning, my fees,
And hey for ten guineas to-morrow!”
The Modern Ixion:
OR, THE LOVES OF JOSEPH DALE AND ELIZA BAINES.
All ye who feel for true Love's pains!
Just twenty-two was Joseph Dale,
Fifteen he deem'd Eliza Baines:
Ne'er throbb'd with passion than the swain's;
And though she ne'er had met his view,
That heart adored Eliza Baines.
Who dash'd out Mary Ashton's brains,
But one, alas! as void of truth)
First told him of Eliza Baines;
And how salt tears, like wintry rains,
In torrents flow'd for Joseph Dale,
All heedless of Eliza Baines.
With store of gold and wide domains;
And blest the youth ordain'd to share
All this with fair Eliza Baines!
He pens, and softly thus complains,
“If you loves me as I loves you,
I'll wed with sweet Eliza Baines.”
Its glittering domes and gilded vanes,
And sadly roams till almost dark,
In hopes to meet Eliza Baines.
(One epithet the Muse disdains
As all unfit for poet's song),
He hies to seek Eliza Baines;
So pensive peeping through the panes—
But ah! those curst Venetian blinds
Seclude the fair Eliza Baines.
He pours his fond melodious strains,
And coughs and sneezes—not a sigh
Responds from Miss Eliza Baines.
If any spark of friendship reigns
Within thy bosom, breathe a vow
To bear me to Eliza Baines!”
True love in absence best sustains;
There dwells a limner in Cheapside
Will paint one for Eliza Baines.
The fatal fray on Belgium's plains
They act—a mimic Waterloo!
There may'st thou see Eliza Baines!”
A surly jarvey took the reins;
“My fare's two bob!” he hoarsely bawl'd;
Ah! how unlike Eliza Baines!
From every hand applauses gains;
Applause from Joseph Dale?—Ah! no,
He thinks but on Eliza Baines.
That form an upper box contains;
Yon orange turban trimmed with blue—
It is—it is Eliza Baines.
He cries; and scarcely yet refrains
To scale that box's topmost height,
Though darkly frowns Eliza Baines.
A snob his other arm detains,
With “Blow my vig! the fellow's drunk!”
He reck'd not of Eliza Baines!
Why still delight in mortals' pains?
Why rouse him from his dream of love?
Why cry, “There's no Eliza Baines!”
Dire thoughts of vengeance entertains,
False Thornton owns, a knave confest,
“'Tis all my eye about Miss Baines!”
His nose the spouting claret stains;
Fierce Joseph strikes so swift, so true,
Thus hoax'd about Eliza Baines.
Of pity they bestow no grains
On one who could his friend betray,
To love a false Eliza Baines.
And forc'd to reassume the reins,
The whip, the box he lately left
Rejoicing, for Eliza Baines;
Ixion's fault—Ixion's chains
He shares like him, condemn'd to feel
He clasp'd a cloud in Betty Baines.
The Cabouat Tragedy.
The Roman bard feelingly laments that many great names have failed to reach posterity— Carent quia vate sacro. Those of Messrs. Cabouat and Simon, two of the most illustrious cut-throats of modern times, will at least not be lost for want of this advantage. It is but two days ago that we had to report their execution, and a poem of 150 stanzas is already published, composed by one of the most brilliant geniuses, which must immortalize their memory. We regret much that its length precludes our giving this splendid effusion entire and in its original language; “Half a loaf,” however, says the adage “is better than no bread,” and therefore we venture to Shenstonize a few verses, commencing with its opening address to “Tout bon et sensible cœur.”
Each tender heart that throbs with pity,
Your very cores will all turn pale
Before I've got through half my ditty.
Whose sons-in-law took much in dudgeon
A will they thought not quite the thing,
So beat his brains out with a bludgeon.
One); they who for his blood did hunger,
Were a sad and thorough-going scamp,
Call'd Adolphe Cabouat the younger,
In dress and mien though somewhat neater,
And Peter Simon was his name—
Ah! how unlike to Simon Peter!
The bard goes on to relate the marriages of the two daughters of Pseaume, the death of Cornelie, Simon's wife, and her fatal will which sowed the first seeds of enmity in her husband's breast, and eventually produced such a dreadful result. She thus consigns her children to the care of the Abbé:—
When I am gone and toll'd my knell is,
Be thou to them a new mamma,
And fill their little darling bellies.
According to my true intention;
They will be better far with thee
Than with that chap—I shall not mention.”
E'en then she could not charge a crime on
The man she once had lov'd, nor bring
Her pen to write “that rascal Simon.”
In describing the marriage of Eliza Pseaume with Cabouat, so reluctantly consented to by her father, he alludes to the efforts of Madame Pseaume to overcome her husband's reluctance to the match:—
And had a soul above base Mammon,
Cried, “Dearest, do indulge the child!”
The Abbé only answered, “Gammon!”
His then so seeming harsh denial
Had saved himself a bitter pill,
His daughter many a bitter trial;
Her future lot foreshadowing evil in;
She wept so while the knot was tied,
She set the very parson snivelling.
After recounting at great length the perpetration of the
Nor thought on him they'd used so cruelly,
All reckless that they soon might sup
On sulphur broth with brimstone bouilly.
Many just compliments are paid to the presiding judge, M. de Sansonetti, and the rest of the Bench, as well in prose as in verse, and the whole is at last wound up with the affecting adieus of Simon to his family and to the members of the Court that had condemned him:—
And thou, illustrious Sansonetti!
Sage Thiriet, counsel for the Crown!
Gents of the Jury, Grand and Petty!
Mercy I hope not, nor will ask it;
My knowledge-box into your basket!”
The Brave Lieutenant Fitch.
And some of Hercules,
Of Conon and Lysander,
And of Miltiades;
There's none have reach'd the pitch,
With their tow-row-row-dow-dow,
Of the brave Lieutenant Fitch.
On Lisbon turn'd their tail,
A “mob of thirty people” came
And took me out of jail.
I arm'd them all with broomsticks,
And a crow-bar like a switch,
With my tow-row-row-dow-dow,
Wav'd brave Lieutenant Fitch.
To march to Fort St. John;
We boldly stormed the outworks—
For the garrison was gone.
I sprang upon the sentinel
And knock'd him in the ditch,
With my tow-row-row-dow-dow,
Oh! brave Lieutenant Fitch.
I marched with five and drum,
And the girls all cried, “Huzza my boys,
Lieutenant Fitch is come!”
You behaved yourself as `sich,'
With your tow-row-row-dow-dow,
My brave Lieutenant Fitch!”
As well as Villa Flor,
Cried, “Such a valiant fellow
Me nevare see afore!”
In Fame's historic temple
He vell deserve a niche,
With his tow-row-row-dow-dow,
Dis brave Lieutenant Fitch.”
The whole o'the hostile squad;
The “mob” all roared and shouted,
And “I felt like a god!”
And wasn't the Queen of Portugal
A lucky little—witch,
With her tow-row-row-dow-dow,
To have Lieutenant Fitch?
Of max, and drink each one,
Here's luck and a jolly scramble
For every mother's son!
All grow exceeding rich,
With their tow-row-row-dow-dow,
Like the brave Lieutenant Fitch.
Lines Left at Hook's House in June, 1834.
Were a-sailing by
At Fulham Bridge, I cock'd my eye,
And says I, “Add-zooks!
There's Theodore Hook's.
Whose Sayings and Doings make such pretty books.
Still keeping my eye
On the house, “if he's in—I should like to try;”
With his oar on his knee,
Says Dick, says he,
“Father, suppose you land and see!”
Says I to he;
“Together! why, Dick, why how can that be?”
And my comical son,
Who is fond of fun,
I thought would have split his sides at the pun.
And knocks at the door—
When William, a man I'd seen often before,
Makes answer and says,
“Master's gone in a chaise
Call'd a homnibus, drawn by a couple of bays.”
“Just lend me a pen;”
“I wull, sir,” says William—politest of men,
So having no card, these poetical brayings
Are the record I leave of my doings and sayings.
A Parody.
My Lord P—loquitur—Thou must raise the wind for me—
But ere you go, Tom Moore,
Here's a snug douceur for thee!
And a bill at six months' date—
And I'll sign whate'er you send me,—
Get the cash at any rate!
They still must trust me on;
Till you the cash have found me,
“Call again” to every one!
And my fainting spirits sink
When they pull the area bell,
So be off and fetch the “chink!”
Of thousands half a score,—
Hark! there's another dun;—
Adieu! adieu! Tom Moore!
It need scarcely be said that the Tom Moore addressed in the above pathetic lines was not the poet, but one whose name was mixed up with that of a noble lord in certain bill transactions which came before the public.
Lament.
Dr. Taylor loquitur.Ochone! ochone!
For the portrait of Soane,
Jerdan! you ought to have let it alone;
Don't you see that instead of removing the bone
Of contention, the apple of discord you've thrown;
One general moan,
Like a tragedy groan,
Burst forth when the picture-cide became known.
When the story got “blown,”
From the Thames to the Rhone,
Folks ran, ran, calling for ether and eau-de-Cologne;
All shocked at the want of discretion you've shown!
If your heart's not of stone,
You will quickly atone.
When it's once stitched together, must see that it's Soane
Lines
Written in Harrow Churchyard, on the occasion of a wedding being delayed by the absence of the officiating minister.
Mr. Bruce, Mr. Bruce,When the matrimonial noose
You ought here at Harrow to be tying,
If you choose to ride away
As you know you did to-day,
No wonder bride and bridegroom should be crying.
It's a very great abuse,
Mr. Bruce, Mr. Bruce!
And you're quite without excuse,
And of very little use
As a curate,
Mr. Bruce!
The Church's Petition.
Passing through the Parish of Flempton, County Suffolk, a few days since, we were much struck with the picturesque appearance of the parish church—in ruins. While gazing upon it in the twilight, with that look of pensive abstraction which sits so well upon our fine features, and which the hour was so calculated to encourage, on a sudden the church door opened slow and wide, mouth-fashion, and a voice from within, which sounded like the cracked double G of a decayed organ-pipe, uttered the following Lament:—
With half a tower, and scarce a decent door;
The hard churchwardens leave me in the lurch,
And rural deans, despairing, give me o'er!
Untouch'd by workman since the ancient years
Of Blastus Godly ; and my belfry's wreck
Excites the nervous congregation's fears.
I view around me on the Bury road,
Where wanton wealth profusely decks the ground,
And cherish'd pheasants find a safe abode.
The sum that gives one keeper yearly bread
Would patch my ruins, that neglected nod,
Envying the snugness of each humbler shed.
But a few stones to fence me from the cold—
A boon denied not to the ploughman's home,
Or barn, no matter how unsound and old.
Now that success your famed Bazaar has blest;
And when the poor have shared their due relief,
Pray, for Heaven's sake, bestow on me the rest!
Just to describe me in the plight you see;
A stronger case can scarce be found than mine,
In thine own “Stories of Mendicity.”
To see a Christian Mosque so scant-equipt
Like an old shiver'd lime-kiln past its work,
Or a sham ruin with the ivy stript.
Can scarcely match my melancholy state,
When the churchwardens sold the steeple bell
To buy strong liquors, and a bull to bait.
Ye who roll past in daily coach and four,
Find a few pounds for my repair; the search
Will scarce exhaust your overflowing store!
A worthy lady, authoress of “Tales of Mendicity,” printed and sold at bazaar aforesaid, for the benefit of the county hospital.
To Dr. Roberts, with a China Jug.
Dear Doctor,—This jug, which can't foam with mild ale,While you turn down its top so, to look at its tail,
Was not Toby Fillpot's—and yet on the whole,
It's as good as the jug of that thirsty old soul;
For boozing about it will answer as well,
And when fill'd with my mixture will bear off the bell.
When you chance in the dog-days to sit at your ease,
A pint of sweet mountain, as old as you please,
With a bottle of iced soda-water allay,
Then of honest old “Stingo,” a pint pour away,
Pop in nutmeg, one slice from a cucumber cut,
And then drink till you're full as a Dorchester butt.
A body of friends should you long entertain,
And they empty it often—why, fill it again;
Don't potter about Toby Fillpot's brown jug,
Say, “That for old Toby!—give me my white mug;
It's sacred to friendship, white wine, and mild ale,”
So up with its mouth now and turn down its tail!
The Two M.P.'s.
BEING A TRUE AND PARTICULAR ACCOUNT OF THE GRAND MILLING MATCH THAT DIDN'T TAKE PLACE.
T'other morning, “I say, sir,
You've called me a Roué, a Dicer, and Racer;
Now I'd have you to know, sir,
Such names are ‘no go,’ sir;
By Jove, sir! I never knew anything grosser.
Extremely distrest is
At your calling her Lais. She's more like Thalestris,
As you'll find, my fine joker,
If you only provoke her,
She's a d—l if once she gets hold of a poker.
And not underhanded,
I write thus to say, I'll be hang'd if I stand it.
So give up the name
Of the man or the dame
Who has made this infernal attack on my fame,
A man you're afraid of,
Or, turn out, my Trump, and let's see what you're made of.
With percussion locks, sir,
Will give you your gruel—hang me if I box, sir,
And I've sent my old Pal in,
My ‘noble friend Allen,’
To give you this here, and to stop your caballing!”
“What a spoon you must be,
Tommy Duncombe, to send such a message to me.
Why, if I was to fight about
What my friends write about,
My life I should be in continual fright about!
Wrote that thing about you,
One word's worth a thousand—Blow me if I do!
If you will be so gay, sir,
The people will say, sir,
That you are a Roué,—and I'm
Yours,
Jemmy Fraser.”
Lines on the Birthday of Sir Thomas White.
THE ANNUAL TRIBUTE TO HIS MEMORY.
Sir Thomas WhiteWas a noble knight,
Extremely desirous of doing what's right;
So he sat himself down one beautiful night,
When the moon shone so bright
That he asked for no light
Beyond that of her beams, and began to indite
His last will,—so remarkably good was his sight,—
And he charged and bound down his executors tight,
As soon as his soul should have taken its flight,
To erect a good school of proportionate height,
Length, and breadth—Suffolk Lane he proposed for its site,
And its order what architects term Composite—
In which all such nice little good boys who might
At the date of their entrance have not attained quite
Not to give way to spite,
Nor to quarrel nor fight,
But to show themselves always well bred and polite,
Keep hands and face clean, and be decently dight
In clothes of a grave colour rather than bright—
At least not so light as remark to excite—
And to make Greek and Latin their chiefest delight;
To be mild in demeanour, in morals upright;
Not to kick, nor to bite,
Nor to pinch, nor affright
Each other by practical jokes, as at night
By aping a goblin, humgruffin, or sprite;
And never to wrong of so much as a mite,
Or a bat, or a ball, or a hoop, or a kite,
Any poor little schoolfellow—Oh, what a plight
I am in after all—poor unfortunate wight!
I can't make my number of verses up quite;
For my paper's expended,
My rhymes too are ended,
And I can write no more, for I've no more to write;
So if a line short, I'm in hopes, Mister Bellamy
Will pity my case, and not cease to think well o' me.
The Coronation.
A VISION.
(Private and confidential.)
But O, I can't tell how it was, I somehow fell asleep;
A sort of day-mare seized me then, if so aright I deem,
And a vision wild came o'er my mind “which was not all a dream.”
Through a Dollond's patent telescope with the wrong end at my eye,
And thus, as though a fairy hand there all things did compress,
“Fine by degrees” each object seemed and “beautifully less.”
And little Dukes and Duchesses knelt round her little throne,
And a little Lord Archbishop came, and a little prayer he said,
And then he popped a little crown upon her little head.
In a little mulberry-coloured coat, or rather Pompadour;
A little sword was by his side, all glorious to be seen,
And little inexpressibles all of the apple-green.
Which he waved a little to and for as ensign of command,
And there was a little robing-room and he stood just by the door,
And he watched all going on within in his coat of Pompadour.
A little cup and saucer and a little coffee-pot,
And when the little Queen was heard her little nose to blow,
He waved and all the little fiddlers played all on a row.
And all the vision wild at once it vanished into smoke,
So let us sing long live the Queen, and the flagman long live he,
And when he next doth wave his flag, may I be there to see!
A Song of Sixpence.
No. I.
“Mr. B--- sends his bill back—won't pay it—and begsTo inform the Committee they're regular ‘legs,’
And have charged him too much for his ham and his eggs!”
No. II.
“Dear Sir—The Committee direct me to sayThat the bill's quite correct which was sent you to-day;
It was not eight o'clock when you sat down to dine,
And we charge for the table from four until nine.
They have not the least wish your remonstrance to stifle,
But you're wrong—and they'll thank you to pay that'ere trifle!
I am further desired to inform Mr. B—
That, in calling them ‘legs,’ he makes rather too free.
No. III.
“You may tell that banditti, the --- Committee,Not a chop-house would charge me so much in the City.
'Twas no dinner at all; I meant only to sup;
If you say that I dined you're a lying old pup!
You may tell the Committee again—and I say it,
They are ‘legs’—and sixpence!—I'm hanged if I pay it.
No. IV.
“Sir—Once more the Committee direct me to state,When you sat down to dinner it had not struck eight;
When you come to consider what ‘table’ means here—
Cloth, napkin, wax, vinegar, mustard, oil, beer,
Pepper, pickles, and bread at discretion—it's clear
The additional sixpence can never be dear!
So you'd better fork out, sir, at once; if you won't
They must really enforce it—and blessed if they don't!
No. V.
“Take the sixpence, you thieves! I say still it's a chouse;Your threat to ‘enforce’ I don't value one—
And hang me if I ever set foot in your house!
VI.
“Sir—Since writing my last I have asked the adviceOf my friends Mr. Bacon and Governor Price,
And the governor says ‘he'll be—sir’ if I'm
Not a jackass for writing what I thought sublime;
‘It's just what the --- fellows wanted; you'd better
Get somebody else, sir, to write you a letter
Withdrawing your own.’ So I have, and I'll thank
The Committee to mark that this comes by a frank.
No. VII.
“Mr. Winston presents his best compliments—begsTo inform Mr. B--- he is somewhat mistaken
If, having got into his scrape by his eggs,
He thinks to get out of it now by his Bacon!
Advertisement.
(February 4th, 1845.)
I have paid Mr. Lee
For Jessie, and all that is due,
Of which I am willing
Not one single shilling
Shall e'er be repaid me by you.
Both I and the baby,
Oh, don't let revenge be your plan!
But knock at my door,
Pray see me once more—
Come to Islington, that's a dear man!
Your height, person, and size,
And your name too, I have not a doubt,
That wherever you roam,
Abroad or at home,
J.J.B., you'd soon be found out!
Want to hurt you—you beast!
But mind, J.J.B., and beware!
For your own sake and mine
Come to-morrow and dine,
And don't drive me on to despair!
Sum and Substance of a New Domestic Tragedy.
Act I.
The Duchess of Ormond, rich, comely, and fat,Is in love with a man in a “shocking bad hat;”
And the Duke coming home from a ball, about two,
Finds the man in her bedroom, and says, “Who are you?”
Of her Grace, ere you married her, three years ago!”
Says the Duke, “We were married in France, so, of course,
I must go back to France then, and get a divorce.”
Act II.
Four years have elapsed, and, released from her vows,The Duchess is now Mr. Mortimer's spouse,
And her happiness has but this single alloy—
Mr. Mortimer don't like the Duke's little boy;
So catching, one day, the young gentleman tripping,
He seizes him rudely, and gives him a whipping:
Mrs. Mortimer grows very angry, and sends
Master Charles, that same afternoon, home to his friends.
Act III.
Six months more are gone, and the Duke is preparingTo take his son with him to France, for an airing;
And poor Mrs. Mortimer, hearing of this,
Steps across to the garden to give him a kiss;
Mr. Mortimer follows, and, being so tall,
Has no very great trouble in climbing the wall:
Mr. Mortimer says, “Here are pistols for two!”
“By all means,” says his Grace, “it's no bad way of thanking
Your Worship for giving my boy such a spanking!”
So each cocks his pistol, and no more is said,
But the Duke sends a bullet through Mortimer's head,
And they let down the curtain the moment he's dead!
The Ingoldsby Lyrics | ||