MY PENSION.
I
What, take away my Pension! a word with you, Lord Grey;
You cannot be so barbarous! you mean not what you say;
I have enjoyed, for seven years, twelve hundred pounds a-year,
'Twas granted me by George the Fourth, how can you interfere?
I really hoped you'd think it right to grant me an extension;
It never once occurr'd to me you'd take away my Pension!
II
The thing's so inconvenient, you'll force me to retrench—
Indeed, retrenchment will not do, you'll send me to the bench!
How can you serve a lady so! oh! if I were a man,
I'd call you out, my noble lord, and end you with your plan.
You might retrench in many little ways that I could mention,
But what on earth possesses you to take away my Pension!
III
You ask about my services; but surely to intrude,
And ask a lady such a thing, is little less than rude.
Of course I could explain to you—My Lord, I say again,
If 'twas my pleasure so to do, of course I could explain;
I'm sure I've many female friends of vastly less pretension,
Who've met with greater recompense—then don't disturb my Pension!
IV
Reform may all be very proper, in a certain line,
I never can object to it, it's no affair of mine.
Reform the House of Commons, and correct abuses there,
But don't reform my little house in Green-street Grosvenor-square.
Don't seize my jewels, to allay the popular dissension—
You can't appease the radicals with my poor little Pension.
V
The revolutionists abroad have stirr'd up all this fuss:
But can your lordship tell me, what are Paris mobs to us?
Because the papers bore one so about the row at Brussels;
Must English ladies interfere with foreign people's bustles?
Now be assured, my noble lord, 'twas folly set the French on;
You really are not call'd upon to take away my Pension.
VI
Propriety might prompt your economical design,
In many cases doubtless,—but believe me not in mine;
Were I alone, I now might make a sacrifice, 'tis true,
But all my family, you know, have little pensions too;
My brothers and my cousins would go mad, were I to mention
The revolutionary scheme of giving up a pension!
VII
I think it would be setting an extremely bad example
In times like these, when people are endeavouring to trample
On all our ancient usages, and raising such a storm
About the place and pension list, and radical reform.
I say, my Lord, that I should feel deserving reprehension,
If I—by these intimidated—threw away my pension.
VIII
I'm quite convinced the only way of setting matters right,
And making common people see things in a proper light,
Is keeping up the ancient aristocracy of course,
And keeping down plebeians with a military force;
The lower orders really are so dull of comprehension,
They can't see the utility of granting me a pension.
IX
The truth is this—(you must not deem these few remarks intrusive)—
The aristocracy are not sufficiently exclusive.
They call on mistress this and that, and curtsey at a ball
To people who, in point of fact, are nobodies at all!
I never could perceive the use of smiling condescension—
It makes the upstarts insolent, they cavil at a pension.
X
When I am at my country seat, I shun this growing evil,
No member of the middling ranks presumes to call me civil.
I never call on them, and if one dares pay me a visit,
She comes in some old-fashion'd gown, and I and Laura quiz it;
And at the race-ball once a year, I set the upper bench on,
In high unbending dignity,—so I deserve my pension.
XI
Now pray, my lord, consider this, you're ruined if you grant
Concessions of this sweeping kind the common people want.
The aristocracy must not be interfered with thus:
Pray tell me what are starving individuals to us?
To pacify the radicals, and end all this contention,
We'll call my little income by some other name than pension.
XII
Of course, my lord, you can retrench in ev'ry other way,
The clerks in public offices may scribble on half-pay;
The captains and the cornets, and the curates may be fleeced,
(The incomes of the bishops, by the by, should be increased).
I see you are convinced, my lord, and through your intervention,
I trust, in spite of Mr. Hume, you'll let me keep my pension!
