The Poems of John Byrom :: :: University of Virginia Library

'Tis not to tell what various Mischief springs
From wrong Ideas fix'd to Words or Things,
When Men of hasty and impatient Thought
Will not examine Matters, as they ought,
But snatch the first Appearance, nor suspect,
What is so oft the Case, their own Defect.

II.

Defect—which, if occasion offers, makes
The most absurd, ridiculous Mistakes,

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To say no worse;—for Evils to recite
Of deeper kind is not our Task to-night,
But just to versify a case or two
That grave Divines relate, and, when they do,
Justly remark that, in effect, the prone
To hasty Judgment make the case their own.

III.

When Martin Luther first grew into fame,
His Followers obtain'd a double Name:
Some call'd 'em Martinists, and some again
Express'd by Lutherans the self-same Men.
Meaning the same, you see, and same the Ground;
But mark the force of Diff'rence in the Sound.

IV.

Two zealous Proselytes to his Reform,
Which then had rais'd an universal Storm,
Meeting by chance upon a publick Walk,
Soon made Religion Subject of their talk;
Its low Condition both dispos'd to own,
And how corrupt the Church of Rome was grown.
In this preliminary Point indeed,
Tho' Strangers to each other, they agreed;
But, as the Times had bred some other Chiefs,
Who undertook to cure the common Griefs,
They were oblig'd, by further hints, to find,
If in their choice they both were of a Mind.
After some winding of their Words about,
To seek this secondary Problem out,

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“I am,” declar'd the bolder of the two,
“A Martinist, and so, I hope, are you.”
“No,” said the other, growing somewhat hot,
“But I'll assure you, Sir, that I am not;
I am a Lutheran; and, live or die,
Shall not be any thing beside, not I.”
“If not a Martinist,” his Friend replied,
“Truly, I care not what you are beside.”
Thus Fray began, which, Critics may suppose,
But for Spectators would have come to Blows;
And so they parted, Matters half discuss'd,
All in a huff, with mutual disgust.

V.

The prose Account of Dr. More, I think,
Relates the Story of two Clowns in Drink.
The Verse has cloth'd it in a different strain;
But, either way, the gentle Hint is plain,
That 'tis a foolish Bus'ness to commence
Dispute on Words, without regard to Sense.

VI.

Such was the case of these two Partizans;
There is another of a single Man's
Still more absurd, if possible, than this
Must I go on, and tell it you? (Chorus:)
“Yes, Yes.”

VII.

A certain Artist, I forget his Name,
Had got for making Spectacles a Fame,
Or “Helps to read,”—as, when they first were sold,
Was writ, upon his glaring Sign, in Gold;

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And, for all Uses to be had from Glass,
His were allow'd by Readers to surpass.
There came a Man into his Shop one Day:
“Are you the Spectacle-Contriver, pray?”
“Yes, Sir,” said he; “I can, in that Affair,
Contrive to please you, if you want a Pair.”
“Can you? pray, do then!” So at first he chose
To place a youngish Pair upon his Nose,
And Book produc'd, to see how they would fit;
Ask'd how he lik'd 'em. “Like 'em? Not a bit.”
“Then, Sir, I fancy, if you please to try,
These in my Hand will better suit your Eye.”
“No, but they don't.” Well, come Sir, if you please,
Here is another Sort, we'll e'en try these;
Still somewhat more they magnify the Letter:
Now, Sir?” “Why, now—I'm not a bit the better.”
“No? Here, take these that magnify still more;
How do they fit?” “Like all the rest before.”

VIII.

In short, they tried a whole Assortment thro',
But all in vain; for none of them would do.
The Operator, much surpris'd to find
So odd a Cast, thought, sure the Man is Blind!
“What sort of eyes can you have got?” said he.
“Why, very good ones, Friend, as you may see.”
“Yes, I perceive the clearness of the Ball;
Pray, let me ask you: can you read at all?”
“No, you great Blockhead; if I could, what need
Of paying you for any Helps to Read?”
And so he left the Maker in a Heat,
Resolv'd to post him for an arrant Cheat.