University of Virginia Library

Letters: Puncture Balloons

We the undersigned would like
to puncture the following illusory
balloons:

Illusory balloon number 1: The
University police do not need guns.
They do, in fact, need guns. Everyone
in this perilous time of an
ever-increasing crime rate, a time
in which rioting, raping, looting,
and burning show flagrant disregard
for our country's proud
tradition of a law abiding citizenry,
a time in which draft card burners
and even certain officials in high
places flaunt their lack of patriotism,
needs a gun.

Illusory balloon number 2: Marijuana
should be legalized. Students
do not, in fact, need marijuana.
No one in this perilous time in
which rioting, raping, looting, and
burning show proud disregard for
our country's flagrant tradition of
a law abiding citizenry, a time in
which draft card burners and even
certain officials in high places flaunt
their lack of patriotism, needs
marijuana.

Illusory balloon number 3: This
country needs Lyndon Johnson.
This country does not in fact need
Lyndon Johnson. No country in
this perilous time in which our
country's proud tradition of
rioting, raping, burning, and certain
officials in high places, a time
in which law abiding looters burn
their citizenry, needs Lyndon Johnson.

Illusory balloon number 4:
Fascist Ungodly Communism is
not taking over. Fascist Ungodly
Communism is in fact taking over.
Anyone can see that in these
perilous times of an ever increasing
law abiding citizenry which
disregards our country's proud
tradition of raping, rioting, drafting,
and burning certain high officials,
Communism is taking over.

On Girls' Rack

I am writing you this letter
because I don't know who else to
turn to. Dean Runk and the other
fine men who run the University
were not in for some reason when
I attempted to contact them, so it
is to you that I am addressing my
complaint.

I am an old biddy that lets
girls rack in my house on big
weekends. It's not that I and my
27 cats appreciate visitors, just
that we can really use the eight
bucks we get from each.

Anyway, on the last big weekend
I took in three girls from the
neighboring women's colleges, and
their deportment, as well as that
of the "gentlemen" who escorted
them, was an outrage and an indecency.
Even my cats were
grossed out.

The first girl had the audacity
to come in 14 minutes after my
11 p.m. curfew, and she was up
to no good in the time she was
out, I can tell you. According to
my stopwatch she spent three
minutes, thirty-two and four tenths
seconds sparking on the porch
with her boyfriend, and I have
films to prove it.

The second girl I suspected of
imbibing the Devil's nectar and
the Breathalyzer test I gave her
after she fell asleep proved it.
Shocking.

The third girl was, on the other
hand, a model of deportment. Unfortunately,
her escort dumped on
her and she was forced to take
a taxi back to my house. At
least she got in at a decent hour.

What is the younger generation
coming to?

Marijuana

I have been applied at your
editorials favoring more and better
laws and a revision thereof in concurrence
with present-day restrictions
on Marijuana. I feel I should
write and inform both you, and
your readers, of the most terrible
and simply awful hazards of the
weed Cannibas Setibus. I have been
closely related to the stuff for
many years and I know what I
am talking about. You're poor
parents must be absolutely
ashamed of you- putting such
things like that in your paper. I
know what I am talking about as
I have said, so listen to me.

Besides, I am older, therefore
know more than you. This weed
leads to death, destruction, wildness,
insanity, and a generally good
time, which as I am sure you will
agree, is deplorable. Being as I
know what I am talking about
because I am older than you, I
know that you will reconsider
your horrendous position and get
off the stuff. From now on be
a nice little Virginia Gentleman and
stick to bourbon.