University of Virginia Library

Crime & Punishment

by Frank Conneen

Many readers have complained
of the poor job the CD has done
concerning the momentous issue
of refrigerators. In an effort to clear
up this mess once and for all I have
interviewed the MAN in charge of
making such decisions. For the
purpose of anonymity I shall refer
to him as Mr. Official.

"Mr. Official, exactly what
efforts have you made toward
reaching a wise and just decision
concerning refrigerators."

"I'm glad you asked me that
question. The information that you
have read on the issue was
completely collected by student
groups hoping to sway my opinion
and it can therefore be ruled out as
false propaganda."

"In other words you haven't
done anything."

"Now I want to make one thing
perfectly clear and that is I don't
get paid to run around the country
collecting useless information,
therefore I have not now, not
ever.. not never done any such
research on this ridiculous subject.
I am trying very hard to curb
inflation by not wasting the
University's money on a subject I
have already made up my mind
about long ago."

Closed Mind

"Uh, yes. . . well uh, you mean
you already closed your mind on
the subject before you read the
current facts and figures?"

"I'm sorry I don't make any
definite statements. My assistant
does all that for me."

"Well, what would your
assistant have to say?"

"Why he would say, and I want
to make this crystal clear, that we
shouldn't give into the rash
demands of those degenerate
communist bums. If we let them
have refrigerators, mom knows
what else they'll want."

"Then you, er your assistant,
sees this issue as a focal point for
more to come."

"My assistant thinks so, yes."

"What do you think they'll want
next?"

"I'm glad you asked me that
question. They'll probably want
antennas next. We never should of
let them have TVs. Now they want
refrigerators, next it will be TV
antennas. What is our apple pie in
for next? But we're not going to let
them have refrigerators. We made a
mistake with the TVs, we're not
going to do the same thing with
refrigerators."

Harmful Antennas

"What possible harm can they
do with TV antennas?"

"I'll tell you what. Its not what
they will do with the antennas but
what the antennas will do to them.
With the antennas they will be able
to see the TVs. They'll start
watching all of those corrupt news
programs. Every Saturday morning
the TV will pour out corrupt
violent strewn kiddie cartoons. If it
wasn't for those corrupt news
stories last spring we would never
of had a strike. WE can't afford to
have the type of student influenced
by Dick Dastardly running around
these grounds. We must stop this
tide of protest and demonstration
here and now by standing firm on
our refrigerator policy."

"Then you are for the
censorship of the press?"

"Now I want to make one thing
perfectly clear, I am for a free
and uncensored press. My assistant,
however, is trying to get rid of
those corrupt degenerate newsmen
who distort my views and opinions.
We must get good honest men in
those positions who see things as I
do."

"Sir, I understand that you are
going to allow a few selected dorms
to have refrigerators in the near
future. Is this true?"

"Yes. But this is only a
temporary maneuver. We're going
to make life hell for those who
have refrigerators. We're going to
search their rooms every day. We're
going to harass them day and night
until they are sorry they ever got
refrigerators in the first place."

In Conclusion

"Sir, in conclusion would you
like to make an address to our
readers that I can definitely attribute
to you."

"I'm pleased as punch that you
asked me that question. My fellow
Virginians I come to you today
with a heavy heart. There are
certain elements on these hollowed
grounds who wish to corrupt our
University. They want to bring
refrigerators into our dorms. I feel,
and I want to make this perfectly
clear, that these elements are only a
small minority who with loud
bigoted voices drown out the true
desires of the great intelligent silent
majority who feel as I do that
refrigerators should remain out of
the dorms. And so to protect the
interests of the majority I shall
remain firm and follow a policy of
keen law and order. We must not
allow ourselves to be ruled by the
rock throwing radicals. Good night
my fellow Virginians and sleep well
reassured that I will protect your
interests."

"Thank you Mr. Official."
Readers please stand by for an
unbigoted news analysis by Mr.
Assistant.