University of Virginia Library

Lopatkiewicz
& Yates

The Democrats
Find Another Myth

We happened to be passing
through the lounge of the men's
room in the Senate Office Building
the other day, as is our custom
when we want to get the inside
track on what the Democrats are up
to, and we happened to stumble
across the biannual legislative strategy-planning
conference of the
"loyal opposition." We sensed that
the meeting was an important one
as Louisiana's Senator Russell Long
was wearing a jacket and shoe-string
tie rather than his customary bib
overalls and tee shirt.

The Democrat elite had drawn a
number of elevated shoe-shine
chairs into a circle and were in the
process of squabbling over who was
to get the highest one.

"Once again, let me remind you,
gentlemen, I am the leader of the
Party." Hubert Humphrey orated
as we walked in.

Senator Edward Kennedy,
perched atop the prize, plastic seat,
smiled his boyishly diplomatic
smile and rejoined, "This seat has
been in the family for years. And,
besides, I'm always higher than
anybody else."

As the ex-vice-president curled
his lips back to continue his verbal
assault, the reedy voice of Senator
Mike Mansfield trilled soothingly
that a compromise was at hand.
"Need I point out, gentlemen, that
seniority has its place in the
Congress," he asked rhetorically,
casting a glance in the direction of
Speaker of the House McCormack.

With a minimum of dissatisfied
grumbles from the ranks of the
Democrat leadership, the sleeping
House Speaker was brusquely lifted
by his nurses from his portable cot
and deposited atop the lofty perch.

Dropped The Gavel

Senator Fred Harris leaned impatiently
toward the Speaker's
withered ar and bellowed that the
meeting should be called to order.
Mr. McCormack started, smacked
his lips and croaked that the
meeting was, in fact, in session. He
dropped the gavel with an impressive
thud and slipped back into
unconsciousness.

Senator Harris was immediately
on his feet with his mouth open,
ready to launch into the heart of
the discussion, when Senator
Mansfield raised his hand and
pointed out that a chairman for the
meeting had not been agreed upon.
Mr. Humphrey announced that he
was, of course, available, but was
immediately met with an outburst
of opposition.

"What qualifications do you
think you have," Senator Edmund
Muskie asked bluntly.

"Well, I thought I was leader of
the party," Mr. Humphrey said, the
tears welling to his eyes.

"Kennedy Best Qualified"

Senator Muskie crossed his legs
and replied, "I think we're forgetting
the purpose of this strategy
meeting, which is, of course, to
fabricate myths. Now, there is no
doubt in my mind that the man
best qualified for this task is my
esteemed colleague from Cape Cod,
Senator Kennedy."

The group fell into an impressed
silence. Even the ex-vice-president
had nothing to say.

Before Senator Kennedy could
retrieve the gavel from the floor.
Senator Harris was on his feet
again. "Now, we all know that the
central issue this year is going to be
inflation," he said. "After all, we
went to all the trouble creating it,
why not use it?"

"Okay, now how are we going
to fool the people into believing the
Republicans are responsible for it?"
asked Senator Mansfield.

Senator Kennedy blurted, "I
happen to know a Harvard economist
who's perfected the theory
which makes it look as if saving
money causes inflation."

Long-Range Good

Senator Harris giggled admiringly
and remarked, "You know, I
don't think this is going to be so
hard after all. Those Republicans
are so busy working for the
long-range good of the country that
they don't even have time to worry
about anything important, like
winning seats in Congress in
November."

"All we've got to do is grind out
some more irresponsible legislation
which will give Nixon a black eye
when he sees through it and turns it
down." Senator Kennedy chimed
in.

"We'll send it to the White
House as fast as we can write it and
let Nixon veto himself right out of
office," crowed Senator Harris.

"Pull A Nixon This Year"

Senator Long, having checked a
wallet-calendar to make sure that
he was not up for re-election in
November, now gained the
attention of the group as he
declared, "Why don't we pull a
Nixon this year?" To explain
himself, he stepped into the center
of the circle and suggested that
ex-President Johnson stump the
countryside on behalf of Democratic
Congressional candidates.

With a shriek of anguish,
Speaker McCormack awoke from
his slumber and dashed from the
room. Equally horrified, the rest of
the gathering scattered in all directions.

As slipped through the
swinging doors, we glanced back
just in time to see the solitary
figure of the ex-vice-president
climbing into the highest chair and
muttering, "And they wouldn't
even let me get my shoes shined."