University of Virginia Library

Lopatkiewicz& Yates

The Nouveau-Riche
Mark Another First

With all the funds flowing into
the University from the Defense
Department these days, hardly
anyone has noticed the new drain
on the Treasury being funneled into
the "academical village" by the law
and order division of the government.
In fact, virtually no mention
at all has been made of the Justice
Department's proposal to establish
the Martha Mitchell School for the
Nouveau-Riche on the Grounds.

According to a press release
from the office of the manager of
Watergate East, the school is being
established for the purpose of
"perpetuating the inspiring ideals of
upper-middle class America embodied
in the wife of our Attorney
-General."

The statement goes on to reveal
that Vice-President Spiro T. Agnew
has agreed to dedicate the school in
Charlottesville while the windowpanes
of his office are replaced.
Contacted at a reception for the
Supporters of the People's Junta of
Greece, Mr. Agnew announced that
he would make use of the opportunity
to lash out at "the intellectual
encephalitis of northern universities."

Mrs. Mitchell, arriving at the
Charlottesville airport on Air Force
Three, explained that the
University has been selected as the
site for the new school primarily
because of its "courage in weathering
the socialist campaign on
aristocratic America and maintaining
complacency in the face of
twentieth-century progress." She
beamed, "John always did consider
it an outstanding institution." The
Attorney-General's wife added that
she was especially impressed by
the University administration's receptivity
to academic courses being
dictated by outside interests.

Mrs. Mitchell was in Charlottesville
to view the site of her new
school. She toted a portfolio at
various architectural designs of the
school in the red and white,
Jeffersonian-Georgian-Neo-Gothic
style which has become so popular
at the University.

She expressed chagrin when
acting-University President Here
ford broke the news that the tract
of land west of Newcomb Hall Grill
given to her family by King George
III would not be available for the
school as the Army ROTC detachment
had already commandeered it
for their projected simulated Southeast
Asia jungle training compound.
However, her spirits were buoyed
when Mr. Hereford offered the
Colonnade Club as an alternative
site for the school, a choice which
Mrs. Mitchell termed "most
obvious" after viewing the
promises.

Popping a handful of caviar hors
d'oeuvres into her mouth and
relaxing with her feet up on the
buffet table following her tour,
Mrs. Mitchell turned her attention
to the curriculum of the new
school. Episcopalian Doctrine,
Communist Trends in Ethnic
America, and Slum-Lording I-II
were among the courses she
mentioned would be required for
the B.A. When asked if she felt
there would be sufficient student
interest demonstrated in the
school's courses, she noted that a
high-placed University official
currently studying in the British
Isles had assured her he would force
through a rule requiring all
University first-year students to
take Republican Cloth Coat I-II.
She added that all related work
would be done in the Commerce
School.

No definite plans for a graduate
program in the school have been
drawn up. However, Mrs. Mitchell
hastened to point out that as soon
as a professor senile enough to
advise graduate students is found,
such a program would be instituted.

Mrs. Mitchell has let it be known
that those teaching in her new
school would receive salaries
"substantially above" that of the
average University Professor. She
noted that numerous queries about
these positions have already been
received from professors in other
schools of the University. "Sounds
like everyone's got his car to the
ground around here," she remarked
admiringly.

She noted that security checks
are being run on all applicants
required for prospective
employment by the government.
"It's not a particular area of
academic achievement that's
necessary for teaching in the new
school," she said, "It's the attitude
we're interested in."

Turning her wrath on student
activism, Mrs. Mitchell snapped,
"Any of those hippie student jerks
that tries to interfere with our
programs here will be sent to
Moscow in exchange for two
intellectual Communists!" She
noted that the property requirement
for candidates for the school's
Student Council representatives
would be minimal.

Concerning textbooks for the
new school, Mrs. Mitchell expressed
pleasure over an "excellent
kickback scheme" which has been
worked out with the Corner bookstores.
"Those cheap paperbacks
are unequivocally out," she
chortled.

Gathering her winter furs
around her, she summed up her
feelings about the new project by
remarking that is looked as if the
school would even clear a profit its
first year of operation.