University of Virginia Library

13. XIII.
ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES

Friend Wales,—You remember me. I saw you
in Canady a few years ago. I remember you too.
I seldim forgit a person.

I hearn of your marrige to the Printcis Alexandry,
& ment ter writ you a congratoolatory letter
at the time, but I've bin bildin a barn this summer,
& hain't had no time to write letters to folks. Excoos
me.

Numeris changes has tooken place since we met
in the body politic. The body politic, in fack, is
sick. I sumtimes think it has got biles, friend Wales.

In my country we've got a war, while your country,
in conjunktion with Cap'n Sems of the Alobarmy,
manetanes a nootrol position!

I'm fraid I can't write goaks when I sit about it.
Oh no, I guess not!

Yes, Sir, we've got a war, and the troo Patrit
has to make sacrifisses, you bet.

I have alreddy given two cousins to the war, & I
stand reddy to sacrifiss my wife's brother ruther 'n
not see the rebelyin krusht. And if wuss cums to
wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of blud my able-bodid
relations has got to prosekoot the war. I think
sumbody oughter be prosekooted, & it may as well
be the war as any body else. When I git a goakin
fit onto me it's no use to try ter stop me.

You hearn about the draft, friend Wales, no
doubt. It causd sum squirmin', but it was fairly
conducted, I think, for it hit all classes. It is troo
that Wendill Phillips, who is a American citizen of
African scent, 'scaped, but so did Vallandiggum,
who is Conservativ, and who wus resuntly sent
South, tho' he would have bin sent to the Dry Tortoogus
if Abe had 'sposed for a minit that the Tortoogusses
would keep him.

We hain't got any daily paper in our town, but
we've got a female sewin' circle, which ansers the
same purpuss, and we wasn't long in suspents as to
who was drafted.

One young man who was drawd claimed to be
exemp because he was the only son of a widow'd

mother who supported him. A few able-bodid
dead men was drafted, but whether their heirs will
have to pay 3 hundrid dollars a peace for 'em is a
question for Whitin', who 'pears to be tinkerin' up
this draft bizniss right smart. I hope he makes
good wages.

I think most of the conscrips in this place will
go. A few will go to Canady, stoppin' on their
way at Concord, N. H., where I understan there is
a Muslum of Harts.

You see I'm sassy, friend Wales, hittin' all sides;
but no offense is ment. You know I ain't a politician,
and never was. I vote for Mr. Union—that's
the only candidate I've got. I claim, howsever, to
have a well-balanced mind; tho' my idees of a well-balanced
mind differs from the idees of a partner I
once had, whose name it was Billson. Billson and
me orjanized a strollin' dramatic company, & we
played The Drunkard, or the Falling Saved, with a
real drunkard. The play didn't take particlarly,
and says Billson to me, Let's giv 'em some immoral
dramy. We had a large troop onto our hands,
consistin' of eight tragedians and a bass drum, but

I says, No, Billson; and then says I, Billson, you
hain't got a well-balanced mind. Says he, Yes, I
have, old hoss-fly (he was a low cuss)—yes, I have.
I have a mind, says he, that balances in any direction
that the public rekires. That's wot I calls a
well-balanced mind. I sold out and bid adoo to
Billson. He is now an outcast in the State of Vermont.
The miser'ble man once played Hamlet.
There wasn't any orchestry, and wishin' to expire
to slow moosic, he died playin' on a claironett himself,
interspersed with hart-rendin' groans, & such
is the world! Alars! alars! how onthankful we
air to that Providence which kindly allows us to
live and borrow money, and fail and do bizniss!

But to return to our subjeck. With our resunt
grate triumps on the Mississippi, the Father of
Waters (and them is waters no Father need feel
'shamed of—twig the wittikism?), and the cheerin'
look of things in other places, I reckon we shan't
want any Muslum of Harts. And what upon airth
do the people of Concord, N. H., want a Muslum
of Harts for? Hain't you got the State House
now? & what more do you want?

But all this is furrin to the purpuss of this note,
arter all. My objeck in now addressin' you is to
giv you sum adwice, friend Wales, about managin'
your wife, a bizniss I've had over thirty years experience
in.

You had a good weddin. The papers hav a
good deal to say about “vikins” in connexion tharewith.
Not knowings what that air and so I frankly
tells you, my noble lord dook of the throne, I
can't zackly say whether we had 'em or not. We
was both very much flustrated. But I never injoyed
myself better in my life.

Dowtless, your supper was ahead of our'n. As
regards eatin' uses Baldinsville was allers shaky.
But you can git a good meal in New York, & cheap
too. You can git half a mackril at Delmonico's or
Mr. Mason Dory's for six dollars, and biled pertaters
throw'd in.

As I sed, I manige my wife without any particler
trouble. When I fust commenst trainin' her I institooted
a series of experiments, and them as didn't
work I abanding'd. You'd better do similer.
Your wife may objeck to gittin' up and bildin' the

fire in the mornin', but if you commence with her
at once you may be able to overkum this prejoodiss.
I regret to obsarve that I didn't commence arly
enuff. I wouldn't have you s'pose I was ever
kicked out of bed. Not at all. I simply say, in
regard to bildin' fires, that I didn't commence arly
enuff. It was a ruther cold mornin' when I fust
proposed the idee to Betsy. It wasn't well re-ceived,
and I found myself layin' on the floor putty
suddent. I thought I git up and bild the fire myself.

Of course now you're marrid you can eat onions.
I allus did, and if I know my own hart, I allus
will. My daughter, who is goin' on 17 and is
frisky, says they's disgustin. And speakin of my
daughter reminds me that quite a number of young
men have suddenly discovered that I'm a very en-tertainin'
old feller, and they visit us frekently,
specially on Sunday evenins. One young chap—a
lawyer by habit—don't cum as much as he did.
My wife's father lives with us. His intelleck totters
a little, and he saves the papers containin' the
proceedins of our State Legislater. The old gen'l'man

likes to read out loud, and he reads tol'ble
well. He eats hash freely, which makes his voice
clear; but as he onfortnilly has to spell the most
of his words, I may say he reads slow. Wall,
whenever this lawyer made his appearance I would
set the old man a-readin the Legislativ' reports. I
kept the young lawyer up one night till 12 o'clock,
listenin to a lot of acts in regard to a draw-bridge
away orf in the east part of the State, havin' sent
my daughter to bed at half past 8. He hasn't bin
there since, and I understan' he says I go round
swindlin' the Public.

I never attempted to reorganize my wife but
once. I shall never attempt agin. I'd bin to a
public dinner, and had allowed myself to be betrayed
into drinkin' several people's healths; and
wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible, I continuerd
drinkin' their healths until my own became
affected. Consekens was, I presented myself at
Betsy's bedside late at night with consid'ble licker
concealed about my person. I had sumhow got
perseshun of a hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin'
sum cranky observations of Mrs.

Ward's in the mornin', I snapt the whip putty
lively, and, in a very loud woice, I said, “Betsy,
you need reorganizin'! I have cum, Betsy,” I
continued—crackin' the whip over the bed—“I
have cum to reorganize you! Ha-ave you per-ayed
to-night?”

* * * * * * * *

I dream'd that night that sumbody had laid a
hosswhip over me sev'ril conseckootiv times; and
when I woke up I found she had. I hain't drank
much of any thin' since, and if I ever have another
reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out.

My wife is 52 years old, and has allus sustaned a
good character. She's a good cook. Her mother
lived to a vener'ble age, and died while in the act
of frying slap-jacks for the County Commissioners.
And may no rood hand pluk a flour from her toomstun!
We hain't got any picter of the old lady,
because she'd never stand for her ambrotipe, and
therefore I can't giv her likeness to the world
through the meejum of the illusterated papers; but
as she wasn't a brigadier-gin'ral, particerly, I don't
s'pose they'd publish it, any how.

It's best to give a woman consid'ble lee-way.
But not too much. A naber of mine, Mr. Roofus
Minkins, was once very sick with the fever, but his
wife moved his bed into the door-yard while she
was cleanin' house. I told Roofus this wasn't the
thing, 'specially as it was rainin' vi'lently; but he
said he wanted to giv his wife “a little lee-way.”
That was 2 mutch. I told Mrs. Minkins that her
Roofus would die if he staid out there into the
rain much longer; when she said, “it shan't be my
fault if he dies unprepared,” at the same time
tossin' him his mother's Bible. It was orful! I
stood by, however, and nussed him as well's I
could, but I was a putty wet-nuss, I tell you.

There's varis ways of managin' a wife, friend
Wales, but the best and only safe way is to let her
do jist about as she wants to. I 'dopted that
there plan sum time ago, and it works like a
charm.

Remember me kindly to Mrs. Wales, and good
luck to you both! And as years roll by, and accidents
begin to happen to you—among which I hope
there'll be Twins—you will agree with me that

family joys air the only ones a man can bet on with
any certinty of winnin'.

It may interest you to know that I'm prosperin'
in a pecoonery pint of view. I make 'bout as much
in the course of a year as a Cab'net offisser does, &
I understan' my bizniss a good deal better than sum
of 'em do.

Respecks to St. Gorge & the Dragon.