 | CHAPTER VI. Tales of the good woman |  |
6. CHAPTER VI.
Now all was confusion and uproar in the village
of James Town; for now the Indians finding themselves
discovered by the accident of Anne Burras
having walked farther into the wood than was
usual at this time of the day, when the colonists
were commonly all at dinner, surrounded the
place with the signal of the terrible war whoop.
It was a scene of sad dismay to many; but each
man of the bold spirits that inhabited the place,
nerved his waning strength and wasted spirits, to
meet the tugging of the perilous moment. They
came forth like shadows of men to fight what they
believed was their last fight; yet still the daring
spirit revelled in their sunken eyes, and the
same reckless uncalculating gallantry, which precipitated
them on the new world, supported them
them. There is something gloriously inspiring in
the approach of battle.
In the midst of this turmoil and uproar, were
seen Master Justice Knapp, and Master Hyacinth
Lavender, advancing to the barriers, one armed
with a vast broad sword, the other with an enormous
club, in lieu of the rusty weapon which as
before premised, had grown fast to the iron scabbard,
so that the steel and the iron were become
one and indivisible.
Though the justice affirmed to the last day of
his life, that he was valiantly seeking the enemy,
yet it appears upon the record, that he was going
exactly the wrong way for consummating his purpose.
He was making all convenient haste towards
the centre of the town, instead of the outward
defences, when he was encountered by Master
Lavender, who addressed him as follows:—
“Now Justice, if thou hast the valour of a bumble
bee, give these copper coloured villains one
sting ere thou goest the way of all flesh; if it be
only for an example to the rising generation. Toe
the mark like a man.”
“Look ye, Master Lavender,” quoth the Justice;
“if my vocation were to keep the peace
here, instead of encouraging fighting by my example,
thou shouldst see me enact prodigies of
unheard of valour, marry.”
“Aye, and unseen too,” quoth Lavender.
the bench, invisible. Couldst thou reverse the
argument, and display the same valour in the field,
thou dost on the bench, and the same discretion
on the bench thou dost in the field, marry, thou
wouldst be a most heroical Justice, and a most
justice like hero. Eh! Justice,” continued he as
the dismal war whoop twanged on the ear from a
distance, “how dost like that quaver? On my
conscience, I do believe thou tremblest.”
“I was born in time of a great ague, and have
been much given to shaking ever since;” quoth
the Justice.
“Ah! that was a saucy trick of fate,” rejoined
Lavender. “Hadst thou been born in a great
fever, thou mightest peradventure have been valiant.
The world hath lost a most invincible champion
thereby.”
“Harkee, Master Lavender,” replied Knapp, “if
thou wilt do me the good office to cover me from
harm with thy body in the coming battle, I will
requite thee hereafter, by a dispensation for all future
offences against law or gospel. I will on my
honour.”
“Cover thee with my body,” quoth the other;
“an I were sawed into deal boards, that would
be impossible. “But I'll promise if thy valour
should chance to effervesce too rampantly, to allay
it with thy invaluable specific of cold water.”
“Good, if I don't sprinkle thee for this, say
“Why,”—here Master Lavender indulged in a
great laugh, “why justice hast been robbing
Guy of Warwick of his toaster? 'Twas a shrewd
omission not to take his porridge pot for an helmet.
But come, let us exchange armour; thou
shalt be the valiant Hercules with his club, and
I the invincible Guy. I see thou dost not mean to
fight; thy sneakers are up already.”
“I not fight!” replied the Justice. “'Sfoot! I
have maintained a bridge, and driven a score before
me at a time, when I was young.”
“Aye,” quoth the other; “non-combatants,
quaker bullocks without horns. If they had been
swine, thou hadst never stood the encounter of
their bristles, I'll be sworn.”
“Why thou smooth chinn'd Catamite,” exclaimed
Knapp; “thou profane seeker of milliners' shops,
whose entire knowledge consists in the newest
fashions, wouldst have me turn coward, and wantonly
run into danger, that I may escape death?”
“Pish! lend me thy weapon. Mine is safe in
the scabbard, you know; or I had long since made
an example of thee—'tis buried in the rust of
ages.”
“I'll not lend thee an inch of it, even though it
were in thy half starved weasand. What though
I did not mean to seek danger, danger may seek
by frightening the enemy away.”
“Well,” rejoined Master Lavender, “since thy
valour is likely to prove altogether defensive, and
thou wilt not lend me thy sword, I will make thee
my shield, and advance under cover of thy rotundity
to battle.”
“What! convert me into a moving breastwork!”
quoth Knapp.
“Marry, yea;” answered the other. “Move on
thou huge folio of obsolete statutes in wormeaten
vellum, that art sheer bullet proof. Trip, trip
thou volume of unrighteous decisions! By this
light thou goest. Why I do believe thou hast tied
up thy valour as the man did his legs, for fear
they might run him into danger. Come, `roll on
thou fair orb;' revolve thee, thou huge father
Earth. O! for the lever of the learned heathen
Greek.”
“Away! thou sun burnt, smoke dried caterpillar,
knave thou;” cried the Justice, as Master Lavender
pushed him out, at the moment the whooping
of the savages announced that they were
advancing in the direction pursued by Lavender.
While this scene was passing, Smith, Percie,
Vere, Harrington, and other stout spirits of the
colony, were marshalled in another quarter, consulting
on the best mode of repelling the assailants,
But little time was left for this, and but few words
were wasted on the occasion. It was the opinion
savages, in their poor entrenchments, it was better
to sally out boldly, and thus take them by surprise.
“Hand to hand, foot to foot, and breast to breast,
say I,” cried the gallant Vere; “if we fall, amen;
'twill only be cheating famine. We have no
wives or children to fall into the hands of these
bloodhounds, when we are gone. They shall be
welcome to all I leave behind.”
“True, Arthur Vere,” replied Smith; “but we
have motives equally strong to preserve ourselves.
A siege will starve us; a battle may give us victory
and food; a dinner or a grave. Are we all
agreed?”
“All, all;” cried the others.
“Come on, then, fellow soldiers, follow me;”
cried Smith, as he dashed out upon the savages
now thronging onward, and attempting the little
stockade that surrounded the town.
A scene of bloody contention now ensued; a
contest such as old Homer describes, hand to
hand, and man to man. As the struggle continued
to wax hotter and hotter, the whoops of the
Indians gradually ceased, and nothing was heard
but blows, and pantings, and groans of the dying.
The savages were five to one; but the skill, the
coolness, the superior weapons of the white men,
balanced the superiority of numbers; and the fight
continued for some time apparently equal. But
we decline administering to the blood thirsty propensities
scarcely relish a work either of fact or fancy, unless
it is plentifully sprinkled with human gore. We
delight not in carnage, even on paper, and cannot
find in our hearts to put scores of christian
people to death in cold blood, even with the point
of our pen. It is doubtless from having become
so familiar with such murderous legends, that the
most tender hearted young ladies who would not
kill a fly, or even a cockroach, do not scruple to
commit half a dozen murders of an evening, upon
the bodies of young gentlemen, as innocent as
a pair of white kid gloves. Suffice it therefore to
say, that the valour of Smith and his party at
length triumphed. Jack o' the Feather fell by
the hand of that dauntless adventurer, and the
savages discouraged by his loss, retreated into
their impenetrable woods again.
But much as we dislike to administer to the carnivorous
propensities of our fair readers, we cannot
in conscience pass over an exploit of Master
Lavender, which deserves to be transmitted to the
latest posterity. We left that valorous dandy,
propelling Justice Knapp to the scene of battle,
as he verily believed, and as the reader will doubtless
remember, unless he hath peradventure fallen
asleep, for want of that zest which gives such
irresistible attraction to the modern romance, to
wit: blood and murder.
The progress of Master Lavender, as might be
refractory, and backslided from time to time.
At length they gained the outward defences of the
town, as it happened, precisely on the side opposite
that where the battle raged most fiercely. This
was a trick of fate; for as we before observed,
Master Lavender lacked not that courage which
was common to the age.
“Push on Justice,” exclaimed Lavender, as they
emerged into the open space between the town
and adjoining wood. “'Fore heaven, if thou wert
a Lord Chancellor, or a suit in chancery, thou
couldst not get on more deliberately. I might as
well have turned snail, and gone to battle with my
house on my back. Push on, I say; the glory will
be all reaped before we come.”
“Let them reap and welcome. I decline such
harvesting.”
“'Sdeath! the battle will be over before we
come.”
“So much the better; the latter end of a feast
is preferable to the beginning of a fray. 'Tis a
maxim in law.”
“Dost see the enemy, Justice?”
“As thick as hops, marry.”
“Which way?”
“Yonder, to the left.”
“Then wheel thy rotundity that way. Zounds!
why thou art as long in making thy evolutions as
mother Earth.”
As these worthies approached the confines of
the wood, a savage darted out upon them, which
the Justice perceiving, very adroitly turned round
behind Lavender, and climbed a tree hard by,
with a degree of activity little to be expected in
one of his make. The Indian in the mean time
cautiously approached, scrutinizing the enemy
closely, and on seeing he was only armed with a
club, advanced boldly to battle, while Master Lavender
communed with himself as follows:—
“Now my trusty sapling be true as steel, and
thou shalt have ballads made on thee like the
swords of the rascally errant Knights. If I fall,
on my life I'll lay all the blame on thee. I wash
my hands of it. Come on thou painted he Jezebel.”
A furious combat now ensued, which ended at
length to the immortal renown of Master Lavender,
who had practised at quarter staff, at the
White Conduit House, in merry London. After a
good deal of manœuvring, and vast feats of activity
in making and avoiding blows, the Christian
Knight at length succeeded in planting his cudgel
with such sound emphasis and good discretion
upon the bald pate of the Pagan, that had not his
scull been of extraordinary thickness, it had certainly
split like a ripe pumpkin. As it was, he fell
and lay as if dead.
“Hah! boy,” quoth the victor, “there's North
Country for you. Now will I carry my captive to
of cold water. But first will I plant this
trusty scion in some rich bottom, where it shall
grow lustily, and furnish cudgels for the commonwealth.
Woe to the first man I meet who hath
ever looked askance at me, for he has not long to
live. I do pronounce him a most unhappy shadow.
And as for that trusty poltron, Justice Knapp, him
will I speak into a carcass incontinently. Now
for my trophy.”
Turning round as he finished his soliloquy, Master
Lavender discovered, to his great confusion,
that the Indian had taken the opportunity to get
up and run away.
“Eh,” quoth the disappointed champion, “as I
am a true man and invincible, the counterfeit copper-washed
man hath made himself invisible—absconded—evaporated,
broke his parole and defrauded
me of my immortal fame. O! fate, fate!
If that caitiff, Justice Knapp, had only staid to
bear witness to my exploits, it had been something.
But now no soul will believe me though I
swear to it. Yet I will swear, and that lustily
too.”
He was proceeding in the direction where the
confusion of the fight seemed by the noise to be
the greatest, when he heard a cough as if from
one of the trees at a little distance.
“Another prize!” quoth he. “If I don't cudgel
I am the last edition of a fool.”
Peering about cautiously, he at length discovered
the veritable apparition of Master Justice
Knapp, gazing ruefully from his lofty perch.
“What!” cried he, laughing, “is it you, my trusty
companion in arms? Now will I bring down this
strange bird and have it stuffed entire for a new
species. Justice! why Justice Knapp, I say, art
so proud of getting up in the world thou'lt not
speak to an old acquaintance. Why, marry, Justice,
deliver thy responses—hoot a little, or I'll
murder you for a dumb owl.”
“Master Lavender,” quoth the Justice, “an
thou hast the bowels of a silkworm, help me to
get down. I did climb this tree, being sorely
smitten with the sight of a most beautiful cudgel,
with the which I did resolve to back thee valiantly.
The tree, if it could speak, would swear to it.”
“Why thou false rogue,” cried the other, “hast
forgot thy immeasurable toaster?”
“What,” rejoined Knapp, “wouldst have me
take odds against an enemy, by matching my
sword against his club? Thou knowest nothing
of the laws of errantry, Master Lavender. But
come now, my dear friend, help me down, will
you?”
“I help thee down? I'll see thee set up to be
shot at for sixpence, first. Let thyself go. I'll
warrant thy natural alacrity in sinking will bring
“You wont? Then 'fore Heaven I'll tickle
thee, thou accidental champion. I will not only
withhold my testimony to thy valour, but swear
I saw thee running away from a poppoose, armed
with a turkey feather. I will.”
“Lookee, Justice—wilt swear, if I help thee
down, thou sawest me smite a savage sorely to the
earth?”
“Two dozen. I'll not stick at trifles, an thou'lt
help me speedily.”
“Descend then, thou old bald pated magpie,
while I catch thee as a boy does an over-ripe apple,
lest it should burst in falling. Dart from thy
sphere, most majestic orb; but beware of coming
head foremost, good ursa-major, or thou'lt arrive
wrong side outwards.”
“Have done with thy scurvy jests—a joke out of
place is as bad as a limb out of joint. I will essay
me; stand ready, and catch me if I fall.”
“Come on then—there now, take care of thy
footing, Justice! By this hand, if I had'nt chanced
to read that fear lent a man wings, I'd have sworn
the fiend helped this fellow up the tree. Softly,
softly, Justice; remember thou art the depository
of my immortal fame. So, so, there now, here's
my back; if it sustain thy enormities of flesh and
wickedness, I will beard that fellow, Atlas, to his
teeth. Now Justice.”
Master Lavender hereupon bent down upon all
fours, to receive his burthen, while the Justice,
whether by accident or design, letting himself go,
lighted on his back, and almost crushed him five
fathoms deep into the sand. Master Lavender,
jumping up with some difficulty, exclaimed—
“If I did'nt think some overgrown, stall-fed
world had tumbled on my back, instead of my being
on the back of the world, may I never wear a
satin doublet more. The monster hath crushed
me.”
“O! O! ah! ah! oh!” exclaimed the Justice.
“Why how now,” quoth the other, “art hurt,
Justice?”
“Mortally—the king's touch cant save me.
Thy weight hath made excellent paste of my
bones.”
“O! father Abraham! what an ungrateful villain
to accuse me, whose every bone can bear witness
against thee. But come, arise. I swear by
all the fat saints of the calendar, if I did not require
an eye witness to my exploit, I would turn
thee on thy back like a turtle, and leave thy fat to
melt like butter before the sun. But thou'lt swear
lustily, Justice?”
“Like a true man—shalt be in the chronicles,”
quoth the Justice, and thereupon the two departed
for the quarter where the battle had raged most
violently, but where the quiet which had succeeded,
indicated the defeat of the assailants.
| CHAPTER VI. Tales of the good woman | |