University of Virginia Library

12. XII.
ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND.

OLONZO WARD.

Afore I comments this letter from the late rebil
capitol I desire to cimply say that I hav seen a
low and skurrilus noat in the papers from a certin
purson who singes hisself Olonzo Ward, & sez he
is my berruther. I did once hav a berruther of
that name, but I do not recugnise him now. To
me he is wuss than ded! I took him from collige
sum 16 years ago and gave him a good situation
as the Bearded Woman in my Show. How did
he repay me for this kindness? He basely undertook
(one day while in a Backynalian mood on
rum & right in sight of the aujience in the tent)
to stand upon his hed, whareby he betray'd his
sex on account of his boots & his Beard fallin'
off his face, thus rooinin' my prospecks in that
town, & likewise incurrin' the seris displeasure

of the Press, which sed boldly I was triflin' with
the feelin's of a intelligent public. I know no
such man as Olonzo Ward. I do not ever wish
his name breathed in my presents. I do not recognise
him. I perfectly disgust him.

RICHMOND.

The old man finds hisself once more in a Sunny
climb. I cum here a few days arter the city catterpillertulated.

My naburs seemed surprised & astonisht at
this darin' bravery onto the part of a man at my
time of life, but our family was never know'd to
quale in danger's stormy hour.

My father was a sutler in the Revolootion
War. My father once had a intervoo with Gin'ral
La Fayette.

He asked La Fayette to lend him five dollars,
promisin' to pay him in the Fall; but Lafy said
“he couldn't see it in those lamps.” Lafy was
French, and his knowledge of our langwidge was
a little shaky.

Immejutly on my 'rival here I perceeded to
the Spotswood House, and callin' to my assistans

a young man from our town who writes a good
runnin' hand, I put my ortograph on the Register,
and handin' my umbrella to a bald-heded
man behind the counter, who I s'posed was Mr.
Spotswood, I said, “Spotsy, how does she run?”

He called a cullud purson, and said,

“Show the gen'lman to the cowyard, and giv'
him cart number 1.”

“Isn't Grant here?” I said. “Perhaps Ulyssis
wouldn't mind my turnin' in with him.”

“Do you know the Gin'ral?” inquired Mr.
Spotswood.

“Wall, no, not 'zackly; but he'll remember me.
His brother-in-law's Aunt bought her rye meal of
my uncle Levi all one winter. My uncle Levi's
rye meal was—”

“Pooh! pooh!” said Spotsy, “don't bother
me,” and he shuv'd my umbrella onto the floor.
Obsarvin' to him not to be so keerless with that
wepin, I accompanid the African to my lodgins.

“My brother,” I sed, “air you aware that
you've bin 'mancipated? Do you realise how
glorus it is to be free? Tell me, my dear brother,

does it not seem like some dreams, or do you
realise the great fact in all its livin' and holy
magnitood?”

He sed he would take some gin.

I was show'd to the cowyard and laid down
under a one-mule cart. The hotel was orful
crowded, and I was sorry I hadn't gone to the
Libby Prison. Tho' I should hav' slept comf'ble
enuff if the bed-clothes hadn't bin pulled off me
durin' the night, by a scoundrul who cum and
hitched a mule to the cart and druv it off. I
thus lost my cuverin', and my throat feels a little
husky this mornin.

Gin'ral Hulleck offers me the hospitality of the
city, givin' me my choice of hospitals.

He has also very kindly placed at my disposal
a small-pox amboolance.

UNION SENTIMENT.

There is raly a great deal of Union sentiment
in this city. I see it on ev'ry hand.

I met a man to-day—I am not at liberty to
tell his name but he is a old and inflooentooial

[ILLUSTRATION]

"I knew when my Reginald staggered into the dooryard that he was on the Die." See page 81.

[Description: 483EAF. Image of Reginald staggering into the garden as his wife watches from the doorway, smoking a corncob pipe.]

citizen of Richmond, and sez he, “Why! we've
bin fightin' agin the Old Flag! Lor' bless me,
how sing'lar!” He then borrer'd five dollars of
me and bust into a flood of terrs.

Sed another (a man of standin and formerly a
bitter rebuel), “Let us at once stop this effooshun
of Blud! The Old Flag is good enuff for me.
Sir,” he added, “you air from the North! Have
you a doughnut or a piece of custard pie about
you?”

I told him no, but I knew a man from Vermont
who had just organized a sort of restaurant,
where he could go and make a very comfortable
breakfast on New England rum and cheese. He
borrowed fifty cents of me, and askin' me to
send him Wm. Lloyd Garrison's ambrotype as
soon as I got home, he walked off.

Said another, “There's bin a tremenduous Union
feelin' here from the fust. But we was kept down
by a rain of terror. Have you a dagerretype of
Wendell Phillips about your person? and will you
lend me four dollars for a few days till we air once
more a happy and united people.”

JEFF. DAVIS.

Jeff. Davis is not pop'lar here. She is regarded
as a Southern sympathiser. & yit I'm told he was
kind to his Parents. She ran away from 'em many
years ago, and has never bin back. This was showin'
'em a good deal of consideration when we refleck
what his conduck has been. Her captur in female
apparel confooses me in regard to his sex, & you see
I speak of him as a her as frekent as otherwise, & I
guess he feels so hisself.

R. LEE.

Robert Lee is regarded as a noble feller.

He was opposed to the war at the fust, and draw'd
his sword very reluctant. In fact, he wouldn't hav'
drawd his sword at all, only he had a large stock of
military clothes on hand, which he didn't want to
waste. He sez the colored man is right, and he will
at once go to New York and open a Sabbath
School for negro minstrels.

THE CONFEDERATE ARMY.

The surrender of R. Lee, J. Johnston and others

leaves the Confedrit Army in a ruther shattered
state. That army now consists of Kirby Smith, four
mules and a Bass drum, and is movin rapidly to'rds
Texis.

A PROUD AND HAWTY SUTHENER.

Feelin' a little peckish, I went into a eatin' house
to-day, and encountered a young man with long
black hair and slender frame. He didn't wear
much clothes, and them as he did wear looked on-healthy.
He frowned on me, and sed, kinder
scornful, “So, Sir—you come here to taunt us in
our hour of trouble, do you?”

“No,” said I, “I cum here for hash!”

“Pish-haw!” he sed sneerinly, “I mean you air
in this city for the purpuss of gloatin' over a fallen
peple. Others may basely succumb, but as for me,
I will never yield—never, never!”

“Hav' suthin' to eat!” I pleasantly suggested.

“Tripe and onions!” he sed furcely; then he
added, “I eat with you, but I hate you. You're a
low-lived Yankee!”

To which I pleasantly replied, “How'l you have
your tripe?”

“Fried, mudsill! with plenty of ham-fat!”

He et very ravenus. Poor feller! He had lived
on odds and ends for several days, eatin' crackers
that had bin turned over by revelers in the bread-tray
at the bar.

He got full at last, and his hart softened a little
to'ards me. “After all,” he sed, “you hav sum
peple at the North who air not wholly loathsum
beasts?”

“Well, yes,” I sed, “we hav' now and then a man
among us who isn't a cold-bluded scoundril. Young
man,” I mildly but gravely sed, “this crooil war is
over, and you're lickt! It's rather necessary for sumbody
to lick in a good square, lively fite, and in this
'ere case it happens to be the United States of
America. You fit splendid, but we was too many
for you. Then make the best of it, & let us all give
in and put the Republic on a firmer basis nor ever.

“I don't gloat over your misfortins, my young
fren'. Fur from it. I'm a old man now, & my
hart is softer nor it once was. You see my spectacles
is misten'd with suthin' very like tears. I'm
thinkin' of the sea of good rich Blud that has been

split on both sides in this dredful war! I'm thinkin'
of our widders and orfuns North, and of your'n in
the South. I kin cry for both. B'leeve me, my
young fren', I kin place my old hands tenderly on
the fair yung hed of the Virginny maid whose lover
was laid low in the battle dust by a fed'ral bullet,
and say, as fervently and piously as a vener'ble sinner
like me kin say anythin', God be good to you,
my poor dear, my poor dear.”

I riz up to go, & takin' my yung Southern fren'
kindly by the hand, I sed, “Yung man, adoo! You
Southern fellers is probly my brothers, tho' you've
occasionally had a cussed queer way of showin' it!
It's over now. Let us all jine in and make a country
on this continent that shall giv' all Europe the cramp
in the stummuck ev'ry time they look at us! Adoo,
adoo!”

And as I am through, I'll likewise say adoo to
you, jentle reader, merely remarkin' that the Star-Spangled
Banner is wavin' round loose again, and
that there don't seem to be anything the matter
with the Goddess of Liberty beyond a slite cold.