University of Virginia Library

ACT V.

SCENE I.

CHARINUS
coming from home in a travelling habit.
Once more, ye sacred doors, I bid you hail,
And to that greeting join, Farewel for ever!
To-day, for the last time, I lift my foot
Over my father's threshold. From this hour
All uses and enjoyments of this house
Are gone, destroy'd, estrang'd from me for ever.
Ye houshold Deities, who guard my parents,
And shed your influence on our family,
To you I recommend their lives and fortunes.
I must seek other houshold Gods, must seek
Another city, and another country:
At Athens I abide no more. Where vice
Each day grows more and more predominant;
Where treachery and friendship are so mingled,
They cannot be distinguish'd; where all joys,
Dearest and best, are ravish'd from me; there
I would not live,—no, not to be a king.

SCENE II.

Enter at a distance EUTYCHUS.
Eut.
Fortune! who seest the deeds of Gods and men,
Sole arbitress of all events on earth,
I thank thee! Thou hast rais'd me from despair.
Is there a God now happier than I?
All that I sought and wish'd for was at home.
There I found friendship, life, society,
Festivity, and joy, and jollity;
These boon companions chas'd the baleful troop
Of anger, enmity, disaster, folly,
Perverseness, sorrow, weeping, banishment,
Distress, and solitude. Oh grant, ye Gods,
I soon may find Charimus!

Cha.
(not seeing him)
I am prepar'd,
Thus furnish'd as you see. I cast away
All equipage and pomp: my own companion,
My own attendant, horse, and groom, and squire:
Master at once, and servant to myself,
I carry my own baggage.—God of love,
How absolute thy sway! for thou canst make
The coward confident, and fright the brave!

Eut.
(not seeing Cha.)
I'm thinking where to find him.

Cha.
(to himself)
I'm resolv'd
To seek her over all the world. No river,
Mountain, or sea shall bar my way. I fear
Nor heat, nor cold, nor wind, nor hail. Let rain
Descend in torrents, or the scorching sun
Parch me with thirst, I will endure it all.
No rest, no respite, night or day I'll take,
Till I have lost my life, or found my love.

Eut.
Whose voice is that?

Cha.
And Oh ye Gods, who make
The traveller your care, protect me!

Eut.
Jupiter!
Is that Charinus?

Cha.
Citizens, farewel!

Eut.
Ho! stop, Charinus!

Cha.
Who recalls me?

Eut.
Hope,
Safety, and victory.

Cha.
What would you with me?

Eut.
To keep you company.

Cha.
Go seek some other.
For the companions that I have at present,
Hold me, and will not part with me.

Eut.
Who are they?

Cha.
Care, misery, distraction, pain, and sorrow.

Eut.
Scurvy companions! drive them hence. Come hither.

Cha.
If you'd speak with me, follow.

Eut.
Stop, I say.

Cha.
'Tis idle to delay a man in haste.
The sun is going down.

Eut.
Direct your haste
This way, instead of that you now persue,
And better speed will follow it. This way
The wind is prosperous, do but shift your sail.
Here's a fair western breeze, and there the south
Heavy with rain: this spreads a peaceful calm
Over the bosom of the deep, and that
Works up the billows to a foam. This way!
Make towards the land, Charinus! Don't you see
How black the clouds are yonder, how the shower
Hangs ready to burst over you, while here
Prevails eternal sun-shine, and fair weather?

Cha.
The omens that he speaks of should deter me.
I'll turn that way.

Eut.
Ay, now you're wise, Charinus.
Advance this way. Another step! another!
Stretch out your hand tow'rd mine. D'ye hold me?

Cha.
Ay.

Eut.
Stay! whither are you going?

Cha.
Into exile.

Eut.
What to do there?

Cha.
The same that wretches use.

Eut.
Fear nothing: I'll restore you to content,
Ere you depart.

Cha.
I will depart directly.

Eut.
Attend, and I'll transport you with glad tidings.
Stop! I'm your friend, and bring the best of news.

Cha.
What news?

Eut.
Your mistress—

Cha.
What of her?

Eut.
I know
Where she is—

Cha.
Do you?

Eut.
Safe and sound.

Cha.
Safe! where?

Eut.
Oh, I know where.

Cha.
But I had rather know.

Eut.
Can't you be quiet?

Cha.
No: I'm all emotion.

Eut.
I'll make you calm and quiet, never fear.

Cha.
Nay, prithee now, inform me where you've seen her.
Not a word? Speak. You kill me with your silence.

Eut.
She's not far off.

Cha.
Where? Shew me, if you see her.

Eut.
I do not see her now indeed, but saw her
A while ago.

Cha.
And shall I see her?

Eut.
Ay.

Cha.
The least delay is tedious to a lover.

Eut.
Still are you fearful? I'll inform you all.
I have no dearer friend on earth, than he
Who has her now in his possession; none
To whom I am more bound in love and duty.

Cha.
I don't concern myself with him, but her.

Eut.
I'll talk to you of her then: tho' indeed
I never thought of telling that at first.

Cha.
Inform me, where she is then.

Eut.
At our house.

Cha.
A charming house! a well-built house indeed!
Built in a happy hour! if this be true.
But how may I believe it? Have you seen her?
Or do you speak from hearsay?

Eut.
I have seen her.

Cha.
Who brought her thither?

Eut.
What a silly question!

Cha.
Well, I allow it.

Eut.
Don't you blush, Charinus?
What signifies who brought her—

Cha.
So she's there?

Eut.
She's there, I promise you.

Cha.
For this good news
Wish what you please!

Eut.
Suppose I do?

Cha.
I'll pray
The Gods to grant your wish.

Eut.
Ridiculous!

Cha.
Let me but see her, all my cares are over.
—Why don't I strip this habit off?—Within there!
(Calling.
Ho! somebody come forth, and bring my cloak!

Eut.
Well done! this pleases me.

Cha.
In good time, boy!
(To a lad who enters.
Here, take this doublet, and this furniture.
Nay, never stir: stay there! that if these news
Prove false, I may persue my journey still.

Eut.
Don't you believe me?

Cha.
Most implicitly.
But, prithee, introduce me.

Eut.
Stay a little!

Cha.
Why so?

Eut.
It is not time to enter yet.

Cha.
You torture me.

Eut.
There is no need, I say,
That you should enter now.

Cha.
And why not now?

Eut.
There's no occasion for it.

Cha.
No occasion?

Eut.
'Tis inconvenient to her.

Cha.
Inconvenient
To her, who loves me; whom I love so dearly?
—He trifles with me most egregiously.
Fool that I was to credit him! 'Tis all
A trick to stop me.—Give me back my doublet.

Eut.
Nay, do but hear me!

Cha.
Here, boy! take this cloak!

Eut.
My mother is enrag'd against my father,
For bringing Pasicompsa to our house,
While She was in the country; and supposes
That Pasicompsa is my father's mistress.

Cha.
(not regarding him)
I've got my belt.

Eut.
And she is now enquiring
The truth of that affair within.

Cha.
(still inattentive)
—And sword.

Eut.
And should I introduce you now—

Cha.
(still inattentive)
—And bottle.
And thus accoutred I march off.

Eut.
Hold, hold!
Hark ye, Charinus!

Cha.
No, no, Eutychus;
No tricks on travellers!

Eut.
I mean no tricks.

Cha.
Won't you allow me to persue my journey?

Eut.
I can't allow you.

Cha.
Why do I delay?
In, boy! (Exit Boy)
I am already in my chariot;
The reins already in my hand.

Eut.
You're mad.

Cha.
Why do not I directly on to Cyprus,
Seeing my father drives me into exile?

Eut.
Nay, cease this folly!

Cha.
No; I am resolv'd
Never to cease to search for her—

Eut.
I tell you,
She's at our house.

Cha.
For all, that he has said,
Is falshood.

Eut.
Nothing but the real truth.

Cha.
I'm now arriv'd at Cyprus.

Eut.
Follow me:
And you shall see the object of your wishes.

Cha.
I've enquir'd after her, but cannot find her.

Eut.
I'll not regard my mother's anger now.

Cha.
Still will I on in quest of her. I'm now
Arriv'd at Chalcis: I encounter there
My old Zacynthian host, and let him know
My errand thither; ask if he has heard
Who brought her thither, and who now detains her.

Eut.
Have done this trifling, and walk in with me.

Cha.
“Faith,” says mine host, “the figs, Sir, at Zacynthus
“Are no bad figs.”

Eut.
Your host is in the right.

Cha.
“As for your mistress, I believe, I've heard
“She is at Athens.”

Eut.
He's another Chalcas.

Cha.
I go on board, set sail, and come to port.
Now I'm at home, return'd from banishment.
Ha! my friend Eutychus, are You there? Save you!
How have you been, friend? How are both my parents?
What! sup with you? I'm much oblig'd to you.
To-morrow, if you please; to-day at home:
For that's but right and decent.

Eut.
You are dreaming.
The man has lost his senses.

Cha.
Heal me then;
Quick! minister your medicines, like a friend.

Eut.
Follow me then.

Cha.
I follow.

Eut.
Gently, gently!
You tread upon my heels.—But do you hear?

Cha.
I've heard too much already.

Eut.
You must bring
My mother into humour with my father.
For she's enrag'd at present—

Cha.
Prithee, hence!

Eut.
About the girl—

Cha.
Nay, hence, I say.

Eut.
So mind!

Cha.
So hence, I say! I'll render her as mild
As Juno, when she is at peace with Jove.

[Exeunt.

SCENE III.

DEMIPHO, LYSIMACHUS.
Dem.
As if now you yourself had ne'er been guilty
Of such a thing as this?

Lys.
'Fore heaven, never.
Never, I promise you: and even now
I scarce know whether I'm alive, or dead.
My wife is so enrag'd about this wench,
She foams again.

Dem.
I'll pacify your wife,
Make your excuse, and reconcile you both.

Lys.
Follow me then.—But see! my son comes, forth.

SCENE IV.

Enter EUTYCHUS.
Eut.
(to Cha. within)
I'll to my father now, and let him know
My mother is quite pacified; and then
Return immediately.

Lys.
(listening)
This promises.
Well, Eutychus?

(Going up to him.
Eut.
Ha! well met both!

Lys.
What now?

Eut.
My mother is appeas'd and satisfied.
You may join hands again.

Lys.
Good heav'n be prais'd!

Eut.
As for you, Demipho, I let you know
You've lost your mistress.

Dem.
Plague upon your news!
What means all this?

Eut.
I'll tell you. D'ye both mark me?

Lys.
Both.

Eut.
When'er men of rank are ill-dispos'd,
Their evil disposition stains that rank.

Dem.
Very true.

Lys.
True indeed: but 'tis a truth
Bears hardly upon you.

(To Dem.
Eut.
Why that's true too.
And at your age it ill becomes you, Sir,
To ravish from your son, a youthful lover,
His newly-purchas'd mistress.

Dem.
How is this?
Is Pasicompsa then Charinus' mistress?

Eut.
How the old fox dissembles!

Dem.
Not at all.
My son inform'd me he had purchas'd her
To wait upon his mother.

Eut.
For which reason
You purchas'd her, young lover? Eh, old boy?

Lys.
Well said! Go on. I'll second you. Let's both
Work him, as he deserves, for this!

Dem.
Confusion!

Lys.
(on one side)
To use his son so ill!

Eut.
(on the other side)
So scandalously!
To drive him into exile!

Dem.
Is he gone?

Lys.
Peace, scarecrow! an old fellow, like yourself,
Should have done meddling with those matters.

Dem.
True.
I own I've been to blame.

Eut.
Peace, hatchet-face!
Your age should not admit of crimes like these:
For as the several seasons of the year
Bring with them different fruit, in human life
So have our actions their fit seasons too.
If then old men, like you, without restraint,
Pass in lasvicious wantonness their age,
Where is the safety of the publick weal?

Dem.
Alas! I'm ruin'd.

Eut.
Youth alone should follow
The trade of basket-making.

Dem.
Well, e'en take
Basket and basket-maker to yourselves!

Eut.
Restore them to your son: let him enjoy them.

Dem.
With all my heart: I give my full consent.

Eut.
In good time truly! now you cannot help it.

Dem.
Nay, let him ask whate'er revenge he will,
And he shall have it for this injury.
But, prithee, make my peace with him: I beg
He may not be incens'd: for had I known,
Had he inform'd me, tho' but jestingly,
She was his mistress, now by Hercules,
I never would have tried to tear her from him.
I beg you then, sweet Eutychus; intreat you;
You're his companion; lend me your assistance.
Take an old fellow under your protection,
And you shall find he will not be ungrateful.

Lys.
Ay, ay, intreat him to forgive your crimes,
And spare the follies of your youth.

(ironically.
Dem.
Again?
Cruel! d'ye persecute me still? I hope
A time will come I may be even with you.

Lys.
No: I gave over those pranks long ago.

Dem.
Henceforward, so will I.

Lys.
Not you. Your mind
Will soon return to its old bent again.

Dem.
Nay, prithee now, have done; or if you please,
Horsewhip me!

Lys.
Truly you deserve it richly.
And when your wife shall come to know of this,
She'll do it too.

Dem.
She need not know of it.

Eut.
No, no: she shall not know of it: ne'er fear!
Let us go in! it suits not your affairs
To talk in such a publick place as this,
And make a witness of each passer-by.

Dem.
'Fore heaven, you are right: the story too
Will be the shorter; so let's in directly!

Eut.
Your son is at our house.

Dem.
I'm glad to hear it.
We can pass thro' the garden home again.

Lys.
Hold, Eutychus, I must enquire one thing,
Ere I set foot within the house.

Eut.
What now?

Lys.
Every man looks to what concerns himself.
Inform me therefore, if you're very certain
Your mother's anger is appeas'd.

Eut.
Quite certain.

Lys.
Take care!

Eut.
Depend upon't.

Lys.
I'm satisfied.
But prithee don't deceive me!

Eut.
Do you doubt me?

Lys.
Well, I believe you; yet I am afraid.

Dem.
Come, come, let's enter!

Eut.
Hold! before we go,
Pass we the laws against old men; the laws,
By which henceforward they shall hold them bound!
“Whoever hath attain'd his sixtieth year,
“Be he or husband or old batchelor,
“And shall attempt to wanton with the wenches,
“Be it decreed, we deem him impotent;
“And for his ill-timed prodigality,
“Doom him to lose the little he has left.
“Henceforth let none forbid his youthful son,
“To wench, or keep a mistress—decently;
“On pain of losing more, than 'twould have cost,
“Had he indulg'd him in it!—From this night
“Be these our laws in force against old men.”
Young men, farewell! and if ye like these statutes,
Enacted to make fathers dutiful,
Now ratify them with your loud applause!