University of Virginia Library

Scene 3.

Vincent. Edmond. Testy. Rashly. Meanwel.
Vin.
Come, we will hear this cause try'd.

Ed.
See the Judges
Have tane their seats, while we stand here for evidence.

Tes.
My worthy friends, y'are come unto a cause
As rare, as was your unexpected coming
From the supposed grave—

Rash.
To th'point I pray.

Tes.
How quick you are! Good Mr. Rashly, know
(Though I crav'd your assistance) onely I
Supply the chief place in Authority.

Rash.
And much good do't you. I have other business—
Your Neece Sir was too good for my poor son.

Tes.
How's that?

Mea.
Nay Gentlemen, we came to end
A business: Pray begin no new one first.

Rash.
Well Sir, I ha'done.

Mea.
Pray Sir fall to the question.

Test.
Bring in the parties.
Ent. Quic. Nat. Phil.
The first branch of the question rises here
If Quicksands wife, my Neece, be dead or living
Speak Gentlemen. What can you say to this?

Vin.
Quicksands affirm'd to us, that she was dead.

Edm.
Though, since in a destracted passion
He sayes she lives.

Qui.
She lives, and is that strumpet,
From whom I sue to be divorc'd.

Mea.
That Moor, there?
Did you wed her since your fair wives decease?

Qui.
That same is she, and all the wives I had
That black is but an artificial tincture
Laid by my jealousie upon her face.

Rash.
This is most strange.

Nat.
Braver and braver still,
I aim'd but at a cloud and clasp'd a Juno,
Will you be onely mine?

Phi.
I have sworn it ever.

Nat.
Then I am made for ever.

Test.
Remove her, and let instant tryal be made
To take the blackness off.

Qui.
Then if her shame,
And my firm truth appear not, punish me.

Tes.
However, your consent to be divorc'd
From Millicent is irrecoverable.

Qui.
Before you all, Ile forfeit my estate
If ere I re-accept her.

Rash.
Then she's free.

Tes.
Now Mr. Banelass—

Nat.
Now for the honour of Wenchers.

Tes.
Your fact is manifested and confest.

Nat.
In fewest words it is.

Tes.
Are you content
To take this woman now in question,
If she be found no Moor to be your Wife,
In holy marriage to restore her honour?

Nat.
Or else, before you all, let me be torn
To pieces; having first those dearest members,
In which I have most delighted, daub'd with honey,

Tes.
This protestation
Is clear, without respect of portion, now,
Or that she is my Neece: For you must know
She is no Neece of mine that could transgress
In that leane kind: Nor must she ever look
For favour at my hands.

Nat.
I am content, to take her as she is,
Not as your Neece, but as his counterfeit servant,
Hoping he'le give me with her all about her.

Qui.
My chains, and Jewels, worth a thousand pounds,
I'le pay it for my folly.

Nat.
'Twil be twice
The price of my pawn'd goods. I'le put the rest
Up for your jeers past on my friends and me.

Mea.
You are agreed.

Nat.
To take her with all faults.

Enter Philis white.
Phi.
I take you at your word.

Qui.
Hah—

Nat.
Hell and her changes.

Phi.
Lead by the hope of justice, I am bold
To fix here fast, here to repair my ruins.

Nat.
The devil looks ten times worse with a white face,
Give me it black again.

Phi.
Are we not one, you know from the beginning?

Nat.
Get thee from me.

Tes.
Sirrah you have your suit and your desert,
'Tis your best part to pass it patiently.

Rash.
'Tis Winloss daughter; we have found the error.

Qui.
I am confounded here. Where is my Wife?

Tes.
I, that's the point must now be urg'd. The Law
Asks her at your hands. Answer me, where is she?

Qui.
I am at my joys end, and my wits together.

Mea.
You have brought her fame in question: Tis reveng'd
Now you are in both for her life and honour.

Tes.
Speak villain, Murderer, where is my Neece?

Qui.
I have snar'd my self exceeding cunningly;
That quean there knows.

Nat.
Take heed, Sir, what you say,
If she must be my wife. Hands off I pray,
These are my goods she wears. Give me 'em, Phil.
For fear he snatch, Ile put 'em in my pockets.

Phi.
Sweet heart, my own will hold 'em.

Nat.
Sweet heart already! we are soon familiar.

Phi.
You know we are no strangers.

Rash.
Well Mr. Quicksands: because you cannot answer
(To put you by the fear of halter-stretching)
Since y'have ingag'd your word and whole estate
To be divorc'd: And you good Mr. Testy,
If you'l be willing yet that my poor son
To wed your Neece, as I shall find it lawful,
Ile undertake her safe recovery.

Tes.
I have in heart given her your son already.

Rash.
And he has her already.
Ent. The. Mil. Ar. Lu. Dio. Winloss.
As for example, see Sir.

Qui.
See, see, the heaven that I am justly fallen from,
O may I yet find favour.

Mil.

Nat.
What a pox no, I tro—My wife that must be?

Phi.
'Twas your own doing, to put me to my shifts.

Nat.
The devil shift you, then you will be sure
Of change enough.

Win.
O shame unto my blood.

Nat.
I will henceforward councel all my friends
To wed their whores at first, before they go
Out o'their hands.

Tes.
How can you answer this?

Qui.
I utterly deny't upon my oath.

Phi.
So do I, and safely for any act.

Nat.
That's well agen.

Phi.
It was but in attempt, I told my Mistriss,
Had it been done, sure I should nere have spoke on't.

Nat.
Those are the councels women can onely keep.

Phi.
Nothing in act I assure you.

Mil.
In him 'twas foul enough though.

Mea.
O hateful vice in age.

Tes.
'Tis an old vice grown in him from his youth,
Of which bring forth for proof his bastard there.

Ent. Buz. Arn.
Buz.
I fear we shall be whipt for counterfeits;
My long coats have a grudging of the lash.

Arn.
I see my old Masters face again, and I will
Fear nothing.

Buz.
Then Ile bear up again—
Hay diddy daddy, come play with thy Baby
Dindle dandle on thy knee, and give him a penny,
And a new coat, o ho—

Qui.
My grief and shame is endless.

Vin.
Let not grief master you, Mr. Quicksands.

Ed.
We are your friends, and pitty your afflictions.
What will you give us now and we'le release you
For ever of this changling charge of yours?

Vin.
And prove he's not your bastard. Speak now roundly.

Qui.
I'le cancel both your mortgages.

Vin.
A match. Now look you Sir, your quandam servant,
All but the beard he wore; for loss of which
We'le recompence him.

Qui.
O Buzzard, Buzzard, Buzzard.

Buz.
O Master, Master, Master. Your servant and no bastard,
Nor father of your Ideot in Norfolk,
He's there, and well Sir, I heard lately of him.

Qui.
How couldst thou use me thus?

Buz.
How could you turn me away so?

Tes.
Ha, ha, ha. Come hither Buzzard. Thou shalt not want a Master.

Arn.
Nor I, I hope, while my old Master lives. Y'are welcome home Sir.

Rash.
And thou to me my good old servant Arnold.

Qui.
Well fare a misery of a mans own seeking;
A tough one too will hold him tack to's end,
This comes with wiving at threescore and three;
Would doating fools were all serv'd so for me.

Tes.
To shut up all: Theophilus, take my Neece,
We'll shortly find a Lawfull course to marry ye.

Rash.
I will take care for't. Arthur, take my daughter
With a glad fathers blessing.

Mea.
And mine with it, wishing my daughter were as well bestow'd.

Dio.
Sir take no thought for me, till my strict life
(By making man, and the world meer strangers to me,
In expiation of my late transgression
Gainst maiden modesty) shall render me
Some way deserving th'honour of a husband.

Rash.
Spoke like a good new woman.

Tes.
How now! do you look squemish on your fortune,
Sir her's a Gentleman shall maintain her blood
As worthy as your own till you defile it,
Tis best you cleanse it again.

Nat.
Cadzooks I will—
Forgiv'me for swearing, and turn Precisian, and pray
I'the nose that all my brethren whoremasters spend no worse.

Phi.
My father—

Win.
O my child.

Nat.
Though Mr. Quickssands made a Mock-marriage with his English Moor,
Ile not mock thee.

Tes.
Enough, enough. I hope all pleas'd at last
But Master Quick-sands here.

Qui.
I yeeld to fortune with an humble knee,
If you be pleas'd, your pleasure shall please me.