University of Virginia Library

Commie Conspirators

The Department of Health, Education and
Welfare has warned us all about the terrible
dangers of cyclamates, which can apparently
cause cancer in mice and therefore are
construed (and rightfully so) as a danger to
the health of human beings. HEW banned
cyclamates from all sorts of things like soft
drinks and other consumables. The
government people forced the corporation
giants like Pepsi-Cola to knuckle under and
take the cyclamates out of their diet drinks.
But did it ever occur to you that in its zeal to
keep the big boys honest, HEW might have
neglected to enforce its ban on the millions of
petty cyclamate peddlers?

Well, it sure occurred to us. We had this
hunch that there must be thousands of crafty
cyclamate pushers planting the seeds of cancer
in our very bladders and probably getting paid
directly by the Commies over in Roosia. No
telling what cyclemates can do to your
precious bodily fluids. So we sent some of the
crack Cavalier Daily investigators out into the
field to find out exactly how much substance
there was to our cyclamate conspiracy
theories.

The results, friends, are shocking proof that
the invidious and atheistic Commies have
penetrated to the very core of the American
heartland. Right here in Charlottesville, yea in
the very halls of Mr. Jefferson's University
these conspirators are at work attacking your
bodies. One member of our crack investigating
team decided to stop by the Cabell Hall Cave
and have a cup of coffee before leaving on his
investigatory mission. Being rather corpulent,
he reached for the artificial sweeteners that
Food Services places so enticingly on display
along with the cream and coffee.

Sure enough, there it was right on the
package. Our crack Cavalier Daily chemical
analysis team never had to go into action; for
right there on the package (the gall of these
Russian agents!) were the words, "92.3 per
cent cyclamates." Yes, as hard as it might be
for some of the more somnolent and pinko
members of the community to believe, Food
Services is part of the International Commie
conspiracy. And if anyone who is not a
Commie agent wants to see the proof, the
packet of cyclamate poison is under lock and
key in our offices, where it can be seen by
right-thinking Americans.