University of Virginia Library

Arthur Hoppe

Once upon a time there was a
young lad named Horatio Alger,
who was determined to struggle and
persevere and somehow get himself
a good education. A good sex
education.

But the little lad faced many
hurdles. The first was the local
school board, which voted 5-4
against showing Horatio any sex
education films. The second was
Horatio's parents, who voted 2-0
against allowing Horatio to attend
any Adult Movies.

"Adult movies," thundered
Horatio's father, "are corrupting
the morals of our youth and
destroying our American way of
life."

So Horatio was 18 and on his
own before he saw his first Adult
Movie. He didn't, of course,
understand it. But he thrust forth
his chin and vowed to persevere.

For two years, Horatio
persevered. He saw Adult Movies
thrice weekly and twice on
Saturdays. "It was a hard struggle,"
he said proudly on reaching 20,
"but at last I have won myself a
good sex education."

It was then that he met Miss
Penelope Trueheart and fell in love.

"All I desire on this earth," he
said, falling to his knees one night
in her apartment, "is to be the
father of your child and spend the
rest of my life as your husband."

"Oh, dearest," said Miss
Trueheart ecstatically, "when will
we be married?"

"As soon as we have a child,"
said Horatio, drawing on his good
sex education. "For we can't have
one afterward, you know. People
never do."

"And how do we have a child?"
she asked, blushing modestly.

"There are several ways," said
Horatio. "The easiest, I believe, is
for you to smoke a cigarette on the
couch. I will pounce on you. You
hand will go limp and the cigarette
will fall on the carpet. (We can use
an ashtray, I suppose, if you worry
about fire.) And then you will cry."

"I don't smoke," said Miss
Trueheart.

"Then we'll have to throw our
clothes on the floor," said Horatio,
"though it isn't very tidy. But
please turn up the heart first as we
have to lie under just a sheet and
talk. Then I will go for a drive and
you will cry."

"Will you take me in your arms,
dearest?" she asked hesitantly.

"Yes," said Horatio. "In the
shower."

"I don't have a shower," said
Miss Trueheart, close to tears.

"Well, I guess we can skip that,"
said Horatio dubiously, as he threw
his tie on the floor, "Come, my
love, I can hardly wait."

So they threw their clothes on
the floor, got under the sheet,
talked, and then Horatio dressed
and went for a drive while Miss
Trueheart cried.

But, oddly enough, though they
faithfully repeated this routine
every night for seven years, they
never did have a child.

With his good sex education,
Horatio privately blamed Miss
Trueheart for neither smoking nor
having a shower. But he was too
gallant to say so.

Moral: Adult Movies may,
indeed, destroy our way of life.
And the human race along with it.