Maggots :: :: University of Virginia Library

Thatcher.
Down, down to the Clod out of which thou art made
Nor with Tinder-box-hoof my Ladder invade
The Pot shall be mine in spight of thy Spade

Gardener.
And dares the poor Thatcher with the Gardener vye
Sure his Noddle's grown giddy with sitting so high
Let our Titles be try'd by the next that comes by

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Thatcher.
Content! (Gardener,) And content; and look over the plain,
Where Cuddy the Shepherd comes trotting amain:
Who but he should decide which is best of the twain?

Thatcher.
Tho' a Shepherd may be partial, he's honest and true,
He's old, and he's grave, and he Justice will do,
And Cuddy will be equal to me and to you.

Gardener.
But look, he's just here: pr'y thee tell him the Tale;

Thatcher.
Stay, Cuddy, and judge whether Trade must prevail,
For the best of our two wins a Pot of good Ale.

Cuddy.
I'll stay while I can, but then quickly begin,
As either expect the Honour to win!
For my Landlord in haste has sent for me in.

Gardener.
Once straining of Complements now would be vain,
The eldest and noblest of Trades I'le maintain;

Thus demonstrated.—Cain built a City before any Iron-work was invented; he could not therefore have Tiles to cover it:—Ergo, 'twas done with Thatch, or somewhat equivalent.

Gardener was Adam, but a Thatcher was Cain.

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Thatcher.
Not so fast Mr. Gard'ner! with Reeds and with Boughs
His Father before him had cover'd a House

Dubartas in his Poem of the Creation, describes Adam's rude draught of building in that manner.

Sure you dare not deny what Dubartas a vows

Gardener.
The Hero's from Gardens and Solitudes came
And sallying from thence fill'd the World with their Name
But who ever heard of a Thatcher of Fame?

Thatcher.

Epicurus his Study and Schools being in a Garden, was so notorious, that his Principles are thence call'd,—The Doctrine of [the Garden.]

Epicurus indeed from a Garden did rise,
But Atheism never can a Thatcher surprize,

This even the Epicureans confess a strung Inducement to the belief of a supream Being, the Author of the World; and therefore give their Followers a Caution against it. So Lucretius, Book 5. p. 141.

For even those few exalted Souls that know
The Gods must live at ease, not look below;
Free from all medling Cares, from hate and love;
If they admire, if view the World above,
They wonder how those glorious Beings move.
They are entrap'd, they bind their slavish Chain,
And sink to their religious Fears again.

Mr. Creeches Translation.

Since he alwayes is viewing the Sun and the Skys.

Gardener.
From the tops of their Houses Ægyptians must own

If the Gardener puts a fallacy on the Thatcher, let him look to it himself; I only am to explain his meaning thus far,—That in Ægypt, from the tops of their houses the Ægyptians frequently used to view the Heavens, living in a Champain Countrey.—Hence Astronomy, and as some say, Idolatry.

To the rest of the World Idolatry's flown
And too many Gods are scarce better than none

Thatcher.
If you're driven into Ægypt, and fly from the Greek
Very far from your Lodge, one need not go seek

Part of the worshipful God-heads of Ægypt, which, tho' of the two more tolerable than the Crocodile; yet, had Horace liv'd there, or many others, they had certainly, as to that point of the Compass, turn'd Atheists.

To find out the omnipotent Onion and Leek

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Gardener.
Their Trophies Kings, Captains and Emperors bring,
And all over-board for one Shovel they fling;
But who ever heard of a Thatcher a King?

Thatcher.
The Gallows and Garden when all other means fails!

When Dyonisius the Tyrant of Sicily was expell'd, he went to Corinth, and there set up School-master.

Thus Dennis when scap'd from Sicilian Jayls,
Fell from cutting of throats to cutting of tails.

Gardener.
Each Beggar the name of the Thatcher can tell,
For nothing you're fit but a Cottage and Cell;
I with Princes and Lords by their Palaces dwell.

Thatcher.
Thatch keeps out all Care as well as all Cold.
Besides by my Grandsire I've often been told,

The Church of Glastenbury, the ancientest certainly in England, if the Monks do'nt lie, was built, the sides with Hurdles, and thatcht with Straw.

That Straw has been Cov'ring for Churches of old.

Gardener.
Scarce once in a Moon you mount from the ground,
And another Trade too, or you'll starve, must be found,
I ha' still pleasant work that holds all the year round.

Thatcher.
No doubt on't; and Winter must never infest
Your fortunate Regions with Summer still blest,

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Nor fix you like a Cuckow clung up in his Nest!

Cuddy.
Brave Boys, both! so well you each other abuse,
There's hardly between you a halter to chuse
I judge that to make one another amends,
I drink off the Ale, you shake hands and be Friends.

135

The Second Dialogue, Between the Herring, and Whale.

First and formost, (and before I tell you by what Art I make these Gentlemen speak) 'tis the part of an Honest man to acknowledge, and repay what he has borrow'd. This Line is but little alter'd from that in Rehearsal.

“I am the bold Thunder—the brisk Lightning I.

In the next place—By what Art Magick can I perswade Fishes to speak, who are mute to a Proverb, and no more enclin'd to prating than Fryer Bacon's Brazen-Head? Why, first take notice that's a Vulgar Errour, and a scandal on the free Citizens of the Ocean: they are silent indeed when dragg'd into our Element, nor should we much, I believe, be more enclin'd to Oratory, if Head and Ears covered in theirs. Again, 'tis plain they have a voice, prov'd from the Whale, who is his Battle with the Sword-fish and Thrasher, describ'd below, roars with such an audible voice, he may be heard three Leagues off. If all this ben't enough, I'me sure they may as well pretend to speech as Lucians Bed, and Lamp; by which Figure I shall introduce Chamberpot and Frying-pan, two or three pages hence.

Whale.
I am the bold Whale.

(Herring:)
—And the brisk Herring I.

Whale.
Thro' the Ocean I roll.

(Herring.)
O're the Shallows I fly.

Whale.

By this Verse you may learn, if you understand Logick—first that the Whale understands Latin; and secondly that he's Proctor of the Ocean.

Per fidem be gone from my presence! How dare
The ridiculous Mouse with the Mountain compare?

Herring.
Take my Honour, take my Life! to my Post I'll abide,
Now I find such Authority plain o'my side,
Tho' you swell, yet, unless the Rehearsal do's lie,

“I'd sooner have a Passion for a Whale,
“In whose vast bulk tho'store of Oyl do's lie,
“We find more Shape, more Beauty in a Fly.

There's ten times more Beauty and Shape in a Fly.

Whale.
Tho' with ease I could breath thee to nothing again,
Or spout thee a Mile, to thy Enemies, Men;

134

Once upon a time Phæbus having nothing else to do (perhaps when Jupiter gave him a Holiday) descended to some Wake or other, and undertook the Fidler for a Wager; but being like to be baffled, he had no remedy but to call his Godship in, and fright the Poor fellow so (whose name I should have told ye was Marsyas) that he made him leapt out of his Skin.

Like Phæbus I'll stoop from my glittering Throne,
And even descend to dispute for my own;
A couple we'll chuse, who the Umpires shall be,
The Dolphin is mine.

(Herring)
—The Shrimp my Referee.

Whale.

How should the Whale know that piece of Philosophy? Why might not Aristotle teach him when he leapt into the Water, as wisely as Empedocles into Fire? But 'tis contrary to his Hypothesis, who denied a beginning of the World, and consequently the Chaos, &c. Why, then Arion when cap'ring on the Dolphins back, instructed that Dolphin, that Dolphin his Son, and so down to the Whale.—and there's the short and the long on't.

When in the Abyss I no longer did sleep,
But kind Mother Nature call'd me out of the deep;
What a Gulph did I leave i'the space whence I came?
What a Cantlet of Chaos was spent i'my frame!
When Nature the Whale into Being did bring,
She smil'd, and she cry'd—He is made for a King.

Herring.
Tho' a World of dull Bullion your essence do's hold,
Scarce an Atom of Soul was cast into the Mould,
Room enough, and to spare lavish Nature allows,
But provides not a Tenant to suit with the House:
As for me, tho' she veils me with Flesh, and with Skin,
Yet my Form's little else but pure Spirit within:
And in vain you your Bulk for your Monarchy bring,

'Twas the custom among the Goths to chuse a little man for their Prince.

For if the Ocean were Goth-land who but I should be King.

135

Whale.
Not alone on my Bulk I intend to rely;
My Strength, and my Courage with my Magnitude vye:
My side is too thick for a Spear or a Dart;

If you wo'n't take the Whales word, 'tis but stepping to Rumford Road, or the Physick-Garden in Oxford, where a couple of Whales Ribbs are to be seen, neither inferiour in bigness to a lusty Rafter.

Huge Rafters of Ribs barricado my Heart.
Even Neptune himself is afraid when I roar,
And his quiv'ring Court dive away to the Shore.
With a courage undaunted I'll a Navy assail,
And disorder whole Squadrons by a brush with my Tail.

Herring.
Your strength and your Valour must needs be Divine,

One way of Whale-fishing is striking at him with an Iron fasten'd to a long Rope, then letting the Rope loose, the Whale beats up and down till it for loss of blood yieldeth up the Ghost.

When you're caught, like a Gudgeon with a Hook, and a Line:

By this compar'd with what went before, 'tis probable that tho' the Whale was for the Neotericks, the Herring keeps close to the old Philosophy, and according to that, holds the Moon to be the cause of Tides.

When spite of Dame Luna, at Ebb 'twill be flood,
And you make a Spring-tide all around with your Blood.

Whale.
The Laws of hard Nature forbid to withstand,
That Forreigner Man, the fierce Tyrant o'th' Land:
'Tis the Sea is my Kingdom, and the Waters must own,
At home I have ever been Monarch alone.

Herring.

The Story is thus. The Thrasher and Sword-fish are two Fish, the Whales implacable Enemyes. The Sword-fish having a sharp bone in his Head, gets under his soft Belly, and makes him rise to the Top of the Water; where the Thresher with his Wash-beetle Tayl, beats him down again, and between them both they Thump him so unconscionably, that he crys murder so loud you may hear him three Leagues off.

Yes, as oft, as the Sword-fish, and Thrasher will please
To leave off their Sport, and allow you some ease:

138

On your Noddle and under your Paunch they are set,
While one Reyns you in, 'tother makes you Curvet;
Then Neptune indeed may shake when you roar,
Tho' you're Nine-mile at Sea, they can hear you ashore.

Dolphin.
All to Arms! all to Arms! while we scolding sit here,
Look! look where the Enemyes fleet do's appear:
The Fishermans Navy with sail, and with Oar,
That has often among us made Havock before.

Shrimp, Herring.
I boyl—and I broyl till my Jerkin do's crack.

Whale.
And I feel barbed Irons like a Grove on my back:
'Tis in vain with such Odds for the Combat to stay,
All shift for your selves, and I'll lead you the way.

142

The Third Dialogue, Between Chamber-pot and Frying Pan.

Chamber-pot.
Stand off! nor with rude Smut disgrace

Hence take notice, to the Honour of the Poet, 'twas a Pewter Chamber-pot, and to the Honour of the Maid, 'twas newly scoured.

The Glories of my brighter face!

Frying-pan.
Tho not so glib my Face be seen,
Yet all I'me sure's as sweet within.

Chamber-pot.
You in the Kitchin drudge alone,
None handles you but greasie Joan!

Frying-pan.
I always lend, but you receive;
Which is most brave, to take, or give?

Chamber-pot.
Oft Maid and Mistriss fetch me out,
To wash their their Lilly-hand and Snowt.

Frying-pan.
You're civil sure, and use I hope
With Water to allow 'em Soap.

143

Chamber-pot.
Yes, such as ne're, at worst, indures
To scowre so foul a Mouth as yours.

Frying-pan.
O what a fragrant Hogo rose
But now, to twinge a swounding Nose?

Chamber-pot.
Such as when you were made a Tool,

A known story of a Lords Cook and Fool.

To Fry the Break-fast for the Fool.

Frying-pan.
All bulg'd and yellow you must fall
At last behind some ruin'd Wall;
Or melt, and to your Masters loss
Leave both at once your stink and dross.

Chamber-pot.
Take then, since me you'll thus Incense,
These marks of my Benevolence:
Such Water as if Fame says true,
Diana on Acteon threw;
Which as some learned men surmize,
With flap of Fox put out his Eyes:
And least of Rary show he brag,

Diana, on his viewing her Dimensions, and the rest of her Virgins, as naked as ever they were born, sprinkled him with some of her own Holywater, and turn'd him into a Stag.

Bewitcht poor Hunter into Stag.