University of Virginia Library

David Giltinan

Fraternity Men:
The Boring Bunch

"Fraternities have grown more
broad minded." says Tom Pearcy
(Sigma Chi) "Some of my best
friends are Non-Fraternity..." Tom
peers earnestly at the interviewer
"know what I mean?"

Most of us don't. Is Tom's
sudden tolerance just another of
many clever ploys to entrap the
liberal freshman or does it represent
the grudging re-adjustment of a
once formidable monolith, now
whittled down to size?

A drab Homecomings Weekend
and a markedly listless rush season
suggest the latter, as does a recent,
semi-literate, C.D. letter from some
I.F.C. stooge who peddles frat life
by resorting to sly hints about
"future business connections".

More ominous is the editorial
luke warmth to the fraternity
system displayed by my boss,
Kappa Sig President and Publishing
Dynasty Heir, Tommy "Jes' Folks"
Adams.

Enervated by such desertions,
and distorted by incompetence,
The Terrible Voice of Society now
whimpers anemically in those
dwindling crannies of especially
timid freshmandom that harken to
it at all.

Tragic

This is tragic, of course, because
the University needs Fraternities
desperately, even if students don't.

To solicit Alumni contributions,
The University has, at no meager
expense, aggregated a small army of
surly reptiles whose raison d'etre is
ramming heads together and whose
hobbies are known to include
tossing lightweight students off
porches and watching their bones
shatter.

These Mesolithic refugees
enthusiastically demolished their
dormitory last year and threaten to
wreak similar havoc upon the
University's academic and 'cultural'
environment. They must be satiated
with automobiles, 'grunts' and sex,
lest they grow despondent and fall
to bump heads properly next
weekend.

Most important, they must be
flattered, and made to feel at home.

Where, in an "academic
community" is one likely to find a
coterie of numskulls so fatuous as
to heap adulation upon, and stand
in awe of, a football player?

Now you're catching on.

Whence derives the fawning
entourage? Transcending football,
and ignoring latent homosexuality,
we discern two compelling factors
behind fraternity membership-cowardice
and greed.

Cowards are those who would
rather do nothing, elaborately, with
ten of their fellows than confront
their stagnating psychic trivia with
the creative demands of isolation.
This craven, collective mediocrity is
called 'Brotherhood' and much
admired by leftists, for here is
found the archetypal Socialist Man,
joyously surrendering his ego (oh
heavy burden!) and welcoming
various humiliations and
degradations to cement his
dependence upon the group.

Greed

Greed, at the other extreme,
motivates the manifest jackass who
really believes the 'Brotherhood'
will someday straighten his path, at
another's expense, through the
tangled Capitalist Jungle.

To deprecate Fraternity life
then, is to ignore the needs of the
above groups, and to invite disaster.

For, if their life-style is any
indication, half the people
attending the College are confused
or wearied by academics. They find
creative experiences only slightly
less tedious than Vietnam or
Daddy's Office and desire primarily
to endure their four years here with
as much entertainment and as little
thought as possible. These people
are often wealthy, occasionally
bright and universally lazy.

What are they doing at a
University? Nothing. Their
enrollment is regrettable, but
inescapable, and like the football
players they must be accommodated,
not because they warm the hearts
and loosen the pockets of the
alumni (their parents) but because
they will BE the alumni.

Boring Bunch

Devoid of curiosity, the sinc qua
non of the academic village, these
are a boring bunch, as rising
numbers of ex-Brothers are quick
to attest. "I left PiKa," says a
typical case, "after hearing the
same conversation for the
thousandth time."

Their most notable enterprise,
the Big Weekend, is a Sisyphean
attempt to prove that sheer audial
and chemical bombardment can
give life to the dead. It epitomizes
the modern American ethic of
quantity over quality, extended ad
absurdum on a spiritual scale.

Now suppose that, instead of
conveniently segregating itself, this
sleazy sleepy hoard was turned
loose upon the University full time?
There would ensue a veritable tidal
wave of frustrated piffle.

One's social idiosyncrasies,
endlessly scrutinized, would
become the order of the day and
the verbally enshrined tripe
presently confined to the likes of
PiKa would rebound from every
abatement.

"I couldn't believe some of those
turkeys, "said one young social Czar,
now unwinding in the University
Diner after a grueling Smoker
Session, "I had to pretend to write
down their names to get rid of
them...and that one frog, who kept
looking at my date. EEECH."

Say what you will against
fraternities, only they stand
between us and all that
'Brotherhood'.