University of Virginia Library

Last year a student was aroused.
From his sleep by the common
desire for titillation. Being uninformed
and thus not having heard
the tails of Dixie News, he travelled
to Alderman Library in search of
some good, clean filth. He discovered,
however, that the volumes
of pornography known to exist
there were locked up on the 5 - M
floor.

As Liquifactionists, we are
naturally concerned about the welfare
of the common student. It is
this desire to promote the welfare
of the Library as a hole that
motivates us in this matter, not any
desire to impugn the so-called
morals of any of the librarians.
Therefore we feel compelled to
reveal the following facts, which
originally led us to the conclusion
that all the sex books were in the
5-M section:

(1) Not a single member of the
University community has ever
been admitted to the 5-M floor and
been heard from again.

(2) Many of the porno books
listed under the obscure topic of
"Literature - Immoral" in the card
file, are in the HQ600-HQ800
range. These books cannot be
found anywhere in the non-5M
sections of the library and have not
been checked out.

(3) The 5-M section is fortified
so that no one other than library
officials can get to it.

(4) Library officials have from
time to time hinted that all the
porno books are in the 5-M section.

These facts naturally led us to
the conclusion that the sex books
are locked up in the 5-M section. In
The Cavalier Daily we were, therefore,
quite shocked to read that the
5-M section contains Arabic farm
books. As this issue is quite
important to all of us, we hereby
request the formation of a Blue
Ribbon committee to inspect the
5-M section and report its findings
to the student body. This committee
should be composed of outstanding
members of the University
community (.i.e.o., the president
of the student council, the president
of the university, the emperor
of the Liquifactionist Party and
Birth Control Club, and Tom
Gardner).

In the meantime, we leave you
with the following questions:

(1) If the 5-M section contains
Arabic farm books, why all the
tight security?

(2) If they aren't in the 5-M
section, where are all the sex
books?

(3) Could it be that stricter
security measures are necessary to
prevent the librarians from accumulating
their own bedside collections
at the expense of the rest of the
university?